Reina of Hanneau (English)

DAYS FILLED WITH WORRIES

A week has passed, and Reina still cannot shake off the unsettling feeling from Mitsuei’s nightmare.

Agitated, Reina sits on the chair facing the garden. The only thing that she can see outside is the snow-covered ground. Pure white all around.

And seeing nothing but the snow makes Reina feel lost. 

Mitsuei had come to the resort to assist with the closing process. Because the snow has been falling incessantly, he decided to put the operations on hold for the time being. No one would want to leave their houses in this sort of weather.

“Sweetheart, I brought some tea for you.”

Reina jolts in her seat as she didn’t expect her mother to come in. She thought that Helen was still in her room trying to have an afternoon nap.

“You seem so deep in thought the entire day. So I figured, maybe you need someone to talk to,” Helen initiates, putting aside the tray she had brought.

Reina stands up, helping her mother with the tea. She returns to her seat and resumes her usual in the past few days. She can’t easily let go after seeing Mitsuei struggling with his past. Whatever is troubling him, he seems to have never moved on, although it was years ago.

“Mother?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

Helen stares at Reina full of anticipation. She has been waiting for Reina to open up. Her daughter has been looking troubled for days now. 

Judging by Reina’s expression and actions, she is worried about something that has to do with her husband. She made it so evident that even young Kayomi noticed it. Kayomi even asked her a favor to ask Reina since she thinks something might be wrong with her and her father.

“Mother, did father ever experience dreams about his time in the imperial army? Even after he retired?” Reina asks without looking at Helen.

Her attention is fixed on the softly falling snow from the sky. She is well aware that her mother is the ideal person to counsel in such situations. Her father and Mitsuei, after all, served the same role.

She barely knows anything about Mitsuei. She had nothing on him that he readily shared.

All she knows is that his father encouraged him to enlist when he was just sixteen years old. Despite the fact that she was only a child at the time, Mitsuei was already risking his life for the country.  

She remembered meeting him when she was a child. His father openly disapproved of her mother being a Westerner. Therefore, she never heard anything about him again.

If anyone could give her any advice, that would be her mother. She only wishes that her father is also here. Ryouta will surely give her ways to deal with Mitsuei's anxiety and pain.

“A nightmare of memories, you mean?” Helen scoffs, reminiscing those sleepless nights with Ryouta.

“Yes. Mitsuei awoke in the middle of the night last week. He was shivering profusely and shaking violently. He began to tear up as he came to, claiming that he had returned to the battlefield. He stated that while everything seemed to be genuine, he did not initially believe that I was there with him.”

“Oh, that sounds awful. Had he been experiencing that before?” 

Reina loses her voice. She is not sure how to answer her mother without exposing her type of relationship with Mitsuei. She is concerned that what she says will leave an impact on her mother's opinion of her and Mitsuei.

But at the same time, she needs to know what she can possibly do to help him. And she knows that Helen can be of assistance. 

“It -- it was the first time I witnessed it. Mitsuei would not really -- tell me anything, to be honest,” Reina lowers her head, somehow hesitant of opening up.

Helen gives her a questioning look as if she is still perplexed. While attempting to shift her look away from her mother's piercing eyes, she begins to feel nervous. She refills her cup with tea, hoping to distract herself and her mother at the very least.

Helen sighs as she looks away from Reina. It does make sense why Reina is worried. She can relate as she also had gone through the same thing with Ryouta. Only, she hadn't had any help before. So she needed to figure everything herself. 

“Your father did struggle in a similar situation. It had taken him years to get over it. It’s like he can never forgive himself for the atrocities he caused others. He got depressed at some point. He even became paranoid that he could never trust anyone. Even me,” Helen mumbles under her breath with sadness. 

“Oh, mother.” 

Reina is sorry for reminding her mother of her saddest moments. Her parents had been struggling with a variety of issues in the world even before they married. Her mother, in particular, battled for everyone's acceptance.

Even when she and Haru were born, their situation was still difficult. They barely had to leave home and her mother had a difficult time making them understand.

“Don’t worry. Despite all the difficulties, it was all worth it.” Helen smiles as she shifts her attention to Reina. “Sweetheart, I can’t say that my advice would be effective. After all, we are different from each other. And the way people cope up with problems differs, too.”

“I understand that, mother. I’m just at loss on what to do when he -- shuts himself -- sometimes.”

“He is similar to your father in some ways.” Helen chuckles at the memory. Ryouta was also stubborn as a mule, and she had to work hard to gain his trust. But it is somehow different with Mitsuei. She can sense more than just trust issues. “I think he badly needs someone to confide to. But he is afraid to face whatever that is bothering him.”

Reina lowers her head, absorbing the words her mother had said. Aside from that fear Helen mentioned, the truth that Mitsuei doesn’t trust her might be an added fact why he doesn’t want to share anything with her. 

She blindly entered the deal he offered for the sake of her unborn child. She had always thought that she was sacrificing herself for her child’s future. But she got more than what she needed. And it is all thanks to Mitsuei for accepting her without reservations. 

And now, he needs her help. How will she ever gain his trust? What does she need to do to break through the high wall that separated them? 

“Reina. Don’t ever think that Mitsuei doesn’t trust you or that you are unreliable.” Helen takes Reina’s hand. She is worried that perhaps Reina might have interpreted her words differently. "Do not put any pressure on him. All it takes sometimes is a little time for someone to truly open themselves to others. ”

“I guess, that is true.” Reina sighs with a frown spread across her face. “But I want to make him feel better. I feel insignificant when I cannot do anything for him.”

Helen smiles with sad eyes. She knows exactly what Reina is feeling. When she encountered a similar situation in the past, it frustrated her. So much that she almost gave up. 

“I know it's hard, sweetheart. But if you show aggression, he will only step away. I know because your father was extremely doubtful. And since I am stubborn, I kept pushing and pushing only for him to pull away.”

“Yet here we are. In the end, it somehow worked,” Reina chuckles, teasing her mother to lighten the mood.

Indeed, her parents might have clashed because of their similarities. However, it seems to have worked fine for them. 

Even until now, both of them have been behaving like it is still the first year of their marriage. An ideal couple and family she had once wished to build.

“That is true. When I first met your father, it never occurred to me that we would get married and have a family. He used to hate Westerners. Part of that is the empire’s influence. It was still hard to take even though I love him. And I almost gave up.”

Helen raises her head to stare at the white flurry outside. Going down the memory lane brought about bittersweet memories. 

“Enough about me.” Helen playfully slaps Reina’s hand, trying to put on a pleasant face. “What I want you to do is, make Mitsuei feel peace. If he isn’t ready yet to share his troubles, being there for him as support would at least lessen the hardship.”

Reina nods her head in response. “I will, mother. I just hope he will learn to rely on me with this matter.”

“Just promise me not to be assertive. Or else it might end up in a heated argument,” Helen warns earnestly.

“Of course, mother. I would never resort to such a thing.”

That is what Reina had promised. But in the end, she feels more restless than she was a few days ago. 

And now that she is standing in his bedroom, she cannot just wait until her husband opens up. She wants to do something for him.

Mitsuei is still inside the bathroom just meters away from his bed. She walks around aimlessly, waiting for him to exit the bathroom door. 

She has a gut sense that if she doesn't talk to him, she won't be able to sleep.

“Why aren’t you in bed yet?”

When Reina hears Mitsuei's voice from behind, she jumps in surprise. He just came out of the bathroom, still wiping his face with a towel.

His face looks refreshed from the bath. So much different when he woke up from that nightmare. 

As much as she wishes for them to go to sleep in peace, but knowing that he is suffering inside won’t give her peace of mind. 

It pains her to see him pretending that he is okay.

More than anyone, she knows what it feels like to suffer without anyone else knowing. 

“Mitsuei, can we please talk?”