The change ( his mate)

Chapter 14: Afraid to love

Lara

I wouldn’t let Grayson near me after my first successful change, so Leo had taken me to the forest, changed and joined me. His wolf was brown like mine, he led me out deeper into the forest. I’d followed him nervously, I didn’t know the man, just that his name was Leo. I instinctively knew he was my alpha, so I relaxed after a while, the alpha would look after me.

He made me run with him and it felt freaking amazing, the wind ruffled my fur, I had to slit my eyes to protect against the wind and I ran much faster than I could as a human.

Leo caught two rabbits and tossed one at my feet. I was supposed to eat this? I felt bad for maybe a half second before instinct and hunger kicked in, the wolf wanted it. I lay down and took a bite, it tasted good, really good and I ate more hungrily, tucking in until there was nothing really left.

Over the months I got used to my new life, I adapted fast because I’d only ever dreamed of something like this being real. I’d always adored wolves, felt at one with them and now I was a wolf, a werewolf, talk about fantasy coming to life! So I didn’t struggle settling in, the only part I struggled with was the change itself, that stayed brutally painful and twice I’d almost not made it through into full wolf form, Leo helped remind me that I’d done it before and been fine, I could do it again.

Over time the pain was still there, but it became almost a part of me, like when you have a dull aching throb of pain somewhere on your body, for so long you almost forget it’s there at times. Ok, it was way worse than that but it somewhat worked like that, the pain didn’t control me anymore and the more regularly I changed the less painful it was, if I left it too long the pain was as bad as my first one.

I’d left it so long once, afraid of the pain that the full moon had come and forced it upon me, ripped the change through my body so violently I’d passed out and when I came to I vowed never to leave it that long again.

Leo had been teaching me all this, that if you didn’t change then the moon would force you to once a month. Leo was a handsome guy for someone in his forties, he still looked like he was in his mid twenties, which I understood now was why Grayson had said he was a brother.

He had dark brown eyes like my mother had when she was alive and along with my weird a.ss daddy issues I found myself wanting his attention, I wanted his affections and for him to care about me. I didn’t know how he felt towards me, he was always friendly and kind, but I’d grown up to learn never trust anyone, that people were fake.

I knew he had been mad about the whole situation, I’d heard him and Grayson arguing and yelling at one another about it, the risk Grayson had taken even being in wolf form near the area, the risk of biting me and giving me a worse death than the mutts bite would have. Did he like me being here now? Or was he simply being polite knowing he had no real choice.

As for me and Grayson, well, it was complicated. I was still hurt over his breaking up with me even if he’d told me why he’d done it, that part of me that believed I wasn’t good enough for anyone, that no one could ever love me wouldn’t let me believe him.

I felt resentment and betrayal that he’d bitten me knowing I had less than five percent chance of surviving, I was hurt that he would have wanted to put me through such a t.orturous agonising death rather than just allowing the fever from the mutts not so perfect bite to kill me.

I knew Grayson hadn’t wanted me die, but he’d known the survival rate was laughable and still done it anyway. I was mad about the lies, I understood why he’d lied about Leo, they’d never pass for father and son, but he’d even lied about his job, he wasn’t a painter and decorator, he was a part-time doctor, he’d tried explaining he had to keep his real life as secret as possible, but I still chose to stay mad.

Maybe that wasn’t the only reason I was mad, maybe I was hiding behind that excuse to protect myself. I was still madly in love with him, his drop dead good looks didn’t help and I was terrified of giving it another chance, of being with him and then him deciding I wasn’t worth that much of a fuss after all and toss me away again, only this time for real.

So I didn’t allow him to get too close, sometimes I caved and would enjoy his affections, would enjoy his lips on mine, his arms around me. After I’d go to my room and cry in my pillow so the others wouldn’t hear me. Every time I gave in to his affections I only wanted more, loved him more, but I was addicted to him, I could never resist for long.

If we weren’t being affectionate then we were arguing. I learnt real fast just how much of a bad temper Grayson had, I’d seen it when it wasn’t directed at me, I’d seen the rage and anger flare in his eyes when I drove him mad, but he knew better when it came to me, he never lashed out or threw things at me. It usually consisted of him ducking while I threw things at him.

I had never been like this in my life, well, that was a lie, I had, usually when I’d kept all my anger and pain for so long and then someone would tip me over that edge and it would explode. I would yell and curse, throw some things and then calm down. I was worse as a werewolf, I couldn’t bottle everything like I used to, my temper was almost as bad as Graysons. I tried to control it, but I couldn’t, the wolf in me didn’t care.

A year had passed and I’d met most of the pack, there were twenty pack members and all male, I was the only female which had taken me a while to grow comfortable with, Leo never showed any interest in me romantically so I’d relaxed, it was only him and Grayson that lived in the main part of the ranch house.

It was huge though, think of a motel all one level, the ranch was kind of like that. Grayson, me and Leo lived in the main house, and some of the other pack members lived in the adjoining homes, from the outside it looked like all one long building, steps led up to a porch that ran from one end all the way to the other, the walls of the place were painted red, peeling with age, Grayson kept telling Leo he would repaint, but he still hadn’t gotten around to it yet. He may have lied about being a painter and decorator, but was damn good at I’d noticed as I saw all the work the house had done, Leo said it had been Grayson.

Some pack members preferred to live alone, they’d come join us for runs sometimes or visit to hang out and use the forest to change safely. Some of the males had responded to me, some flirted, some made disgustingly inappropriate jokes, and one or two had tried groping me. That all stopped when Grayson caught one of them, Jay, making some gross comment about me and him finding a quieter place, tried to touch my b.reast.

Grayson had lost his s.hit, grabbed Jay, punched him in the face breaking his nose and pinned him against the wall, threatening that if he so much as looked my way again he would punish him for it.

I hadn’t known what he meant by punishing back then, I knew now. Grayson was the pack enforcer, if someone stepped out of line they got sent to him, it was rare for him to punish a pack member, it was only done in extreme circumstances, I don’t know the details of how he punishes them, just that it involves lots of painful instruments and t.orture.

Once word got around about Graysons threat everyone had backed off and left me alone. It wasn’t just the threat, he also made it clear to everyone that I was his mate even though I’d told him over and over that we were not a couple. In his eyes I was his mate and nothing I said or did could make him change his mind.

I’d tried it, I’d argued, screamed, yelled, thrown things at him, even broke his jaw once, by accident of course, but his feelings never changed. I pushed all the buttons, tested how far I could go, but there didn’t seem to be a limit. The most I did was rile him up, make him punch holes into walls, storm off, sometimes yell back, but that was it, he never treated me badly, he never hurt me, not even with words.

A year with them also meant a year of training how to fight and protect myself, there were other supernaturals out there and though we had supernatural strength they had their own set of skills. Honestly, I’d always been a bit of a tomboy, so I really enjoyed the training sessions, I felt cool, not that I’d ever admit that to anyone.

I was feeling c.rap about myself right now, I came inside the house after a run with Grayson and was annoyed that I’d been weak and let him touch me, let him provide me pleasure with his fingers and laid cuddled up in his arms after, it always felt like he’d won when I did that, not that he was playing any games, but, I don’t know, I wanted to convince him I didn’t care about him and for him to leave me alone, everytime I gave in to a moment of passion I was convincing him of the very opposite.

Only in my room while I lay in the dark did I dare admit the truth to myself, I did care and I did love him, too much and that was the problem, if I gave in and opened myself up I was terrified of not being wanted, it was what I was used to, and if Grayson decided he was bored of me it would kill me, so I kept my heart at a safe distance.

When Leo wanted to take us out for a meal I couldn’t ignore my feelings or behaviour towards Grayson. I sat up front in the car with Leo who was driving, I knew if I sat in the back Grayson would sit with me, this way he was forced to sit away from me. Petty, but I couldn’t help it.

Grayson was in a bad mood too, p.issed that id just left him out in the woods to wake up and find me gone. He hated that, he always panicked thinking I’d finally decided to run off and leave, I knew i never would though.

A middle aged waitress came to our table and asked what we’d like to drink. She had a jowly face and light brown hair cut to a bob, she was blushing the whole time, her eyes flicking between both Leo and Grayson.

Leo was a handsome guy in a Liam neeson kind of way, someone you wouldn’t look at in the street and think damn he’s so hot, but someone you’d get to know and find attractive because of his personality.

Leo was polite and ordered coke, I ordered the same while Grayson completely ignored her until she repeated, “and you sir?”

He finally grunted a reply of having the same as us and she went off to get them while we looked over the menu.

I chatted with Leo casually, it had taken forever for me to lose my shyness with him, but now I was comfortable enough to chat, so I did, I spoke about some funny incident with Kai that happened last week and purposely ignored Grayson.

Wherever we went, whether it was a restaurant, to the town, even walking down a quiet street, it made no difference, Grayson could never escape the attention of girls. He didn’t even try to make an effort with his clothes and hair, but it made no difference, this was a nice restaurant Leo had taken us to and Grayson was wearing his usual attire, jeans and a t-shirt, not even one of his muscle fit ones just a plain white t-shirt. It didn’t matter, he was well built and his muscles were on display with the short sleeves, his dark blonde hair was its usual tousled mess, never deciding whether it wanted to be wavy or curly and ended up both somehow.

While he was distracted looking at the menu in his hands I looked at him and saw what everyone else saw. Flawless looking skin, lightly tanned, chiseled jawline, a nice nose and pretty blue eyes and full lips.

He looked perfect like some Greek god, model agents would have been tripping over themselves to get him to work for them if they saw him, I knew not all of him was perfectly flawless though. His damn temper for one, bad manners towards people two, a jerk, I could go on.

Body wise he wasn’t flawless either, I knew he had a long thick scar that ran from the top side of his left ribcage down towards his belly button. He had a smaller scar on his shoulder, and another ragged thick scar on his right thigh. I didn’t know the stories behind them, I refused to ask not wanting him to think I cared.

We gave our orders and I noticed the moment we had sat down that we were being watched, actually, Grayson was being watched, by a young gorgeous blonde with dark blue eyes and a body to die for.

She was thin and slender with a nice chest size, not too big and not too small, she wore a short black skirt with a white shirt tucked into it, probably work clothes.

She was with two friends or maybe work colleagues. I looked at her and then Grayson, they would make a gorgeous couple, I wasn’t jealous, pfft.

She couldn’t keep her eyes off of him and I felt sorry for her when Grayson got up to use the restroom. I knew what would happen, had seen it before more than once.

When he returned, her friends had encouraged her to get up and ask him for his number. She was blushing, but stood up and walked towards the restroom as he came out. He didn’t even glance at her until she stood in front of him, blocking his path. He looked at her coldly.

“Hi, I was wondering, if you’re single, could—”

“I’m not,” he interrupted.

She opened her mouth to speak and he jerked his thumb towards our table at me. “I’m with her, she’s my partner.” He walked around her and came and sat back down leaving her to scuttle with shame back to her seat. I kicked him under the table. “Stop saying that!”

“What, darling?”

He knew exactly what, I growled in frustration and got told off by Leo for sounding too inhuman. Argh!

We ate dinner and halfway through Grayson had stretched his leg out, brushing it against mine and leaving it there. I scowled at him but he only grinned back at me.