My Perfect Mate

My Heart is Shattered

I was besides myself, I kind of figured it would happen soon I just wasn’t expecting it this soon. I was definitely surprised. Gavin had pulled out a light blue box with a white ribbon wrapped around it. “Tiffany’s” was written in cursive across the top. Gavin removed the outer box to reveal another gray, felted box inside. He slipped from behind the table and knelt down in front of me. I looked down at his face, his eyes were flickering gold with anticipation. He raised his eyebrows, “Are you planning on answering baby?” I didn’t realize that I hadn’t said anything for a while. I wiped the tears from my eyes and nodded my head frantically. When Gavin realized what I was trying to say, a mega watt smile spread across his lips. “Is that a yes?” he asked, I think just to make sure. “YES!” I squeaked. Gavin plucked the ring out of the box, it was a stunning. It had a 3 carat, cushion cut diamond in the center of a sterling silver band. There were at least 20 smaller stones surrounding it, creating a halo setting. The clarity was so spectacular, I though that it was going to blind me. Gavin slipped the engagement ring onto my left hand before slowly standing to his feet. He pulled me off of my chair and wrapped his arms around me. I couldn’t believe how happy I was in that moment. I wanted to hang onto every last detail.

After the big proposal, Gavin and I sat back down and enjoyed our dinner. We laughed and talked, going through multiple bottles of wine. When our plates were cleared by an awaiting Omega, Gavin slapped his hands on top of the table. “Are you ready for part two?” I c****d my head to the side. There was more? His eyes lit up as he linked my thoughts.

Oh baby there is so much more!

Gavin led me out of the dining room into the backyard, there was still some dwindling light. I loved this time of year, the sun didn’t fully set until at least 9. I was facing towards the mountains taking in the beautiful scenery. Gavin came up behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist. I heard the click of a camera, I turned around slowly and smiled when I saw Katie behind us taking pictures. I’m sure she got a good shot of me smiling at her. When she lowered the camera I turned fully and ran over to give her a hug. “What are you doing here?” She smiled past me before looking back at me, “Gavin told me what he was planning, I brought of the idea of an impromptu engagement shoot. I majored in photography in college, I wanted to be able to share in this moment with you guys.” I was so surprised at how much he had planned out. I was anxious to get through the rest of the pictures, I’m not one to stand in front of the camera. “Now hush, we don’t have much light left.” Katie put the camera back up to her face and shooed me back towards Gavin.

“I feel like we got a lot of really good shots!” Katie and I were standing just past the treeline, staring at her camera screen. These photos were stunning, I couldn’t wait to display them. When she got to the last one she looked up, “I should let you guys get back to it! Matt and I will be sitting around the bonfire when you’re ready.

Once Katie had disappeared past the trees I turned to Gavin. “Okay mister, what else do you have planned?” He gave me a smirk and reached out his hand. We walked a little ways until we made it to a small clearing on the edge of our territory. I was amazed to find a picnic blanket surrounded with candles. Gavin led me over to a spot on the blanket. I peeled off my heels and sat down and crossed my legs. Once Gavin was sitting he reached over to the basket and started laying the contents in front of me. “And last but not least, a blueberry cheesecake.” my eyes lit up as the sweet aroma hit my senses, my mouth started to water. Noni made me this very cheesecake every year for my birthday since I was 2. It quickly became my favorite. Her strawberry rhubarb pie is a close second.

We packed up the basket and cuddled up to look at the night sky. Today was exhausting but perfect. I sighed deeply as my body started to relax. Gavin leaned his head down and kissed behind my ear. “Bug? I have a question. Do you think that it’s strange that you’re not pregnant yet?” I was kind of taken a back by his question. I didn’t think that he thought about stuff like that. Most men would get uncomfortable when it came to ovulation and cycles. I tilted my head back slightly, “I do think that it’s odd. I know that we’ve both been under a lot of stress lately. That could have something to do with it. I was just thinking about this the other day but I didn’t want to push anything.” He lowered his chin and nuzzled into my neck. “I normally wouldn’t think twice about it, I just didn’t want to freak you out. I know that you have a lot on your plate with all the programs and traveling that you’ve been doing.” I sat up slightly and shifted my weight to my hips so I could look at him in the eyes. “I didn’t think that we were really ready. If you want, I will make an appointment with Dr. Nelson and see if she can give me some answers.” Gavin looked ashamed, “I only want you to do that if you are ready for the results. If you are ready to be a mom then I would say go for it, but if you’re not sure, I don’t want you to put yourself through unnecessary pain. There’s probably nothing wrong with you. It might be me. I know that my parents struggled for years. Once they had me, it was much easier for them to get Kevin.” I nodded as he talked. “I think I’m ready, I would just rather know now than later.” Kevin leaned forward to give me a kiss. He poured all of his passion and love into it, my whole body melted into his arms. He wrapped his hands into my hair, I could feel my body ignited at his touch. When he broke away, he reached forward and pulled me into his lap. I curled up tight as he wrapped a spare blanket around me. I drifted off with the clear sky above me, wrapped in my fiance’s arms.

I woke up in the middle of the night, I don’t know why exactly but when I finally came to, I really had the urge to pee. I sprang out of bed, careful not to jostle anything. I sprinted to the bathroom and barely made it.

When I went to wipe I noticed some blood on the toilet paper. Okay that’s not normal. I wasn’t supposed to get my period for another two weeks. As I started doing the math in my head, I suddenly got this blinding pain in my lower abdomen. It was one of the worst pains that I have ever felt in my life. I clutched my stomach and screamed as all of my nerve endings exploded. I looked down and there was a lot more blood this time. “f**k, f**k, fuck.” I have never felt like this before. I haven’t heard from Scarlet in a couple days, I wanted to talk to her. Hopefully she knew what was going on.

Scarlet? I need you where are you?

I’m right here girl

Scarlet, what the f**k is going on? I’ve never felt this pain before.

Scarlet lowered her head, she looked crushed.

I think I know what’s going on and it’s not good. Let me wake up peter, I think we need to get to the hospital.

My mind started to spiral. I started shaking from fear. Then I felt my mind starting to slip. I could feel the darkness coming, I was about to faint. Before my body could hit the floor, I felt Gavin’s arms quickly grab me. He scooped me up and then we were running.

I woke up with a jolt. I was in the hospital, I have no idea how long I was unconscious for. I surveyed the room, Gavin wasn’t in here but I could hear him yelling in the hall. “Why is she not awake yet? You said that it was a simple procedure. What sedatives did you give her?” I heard a woman’s voice echo just as loud as his. “Alpha, please calm down. When Luna wakes up I will explain everything. Now if you’ll excuse me, I would like to go check on her.” Go Dr. Nelson! Most people were too terrified to go up against their Alpha. I hated when Gavin got like that, but I knew that he was just worried about me.

A few seconds later Dr. Nelson came in around the corner, “Ah, Luna! I’m so glad that you are awake. I know that you may be confused, but I will explain everything.” Once Gavin heard her say that I was awake, he sped in around her and rushed to my side. He swept up my hands and started kissing my knuckles. “First of all, how are you feeling physically?” I took a minute to assess myself. That’s when I felt a dull pain in my lower abdomen, but then I felt something else. I felt empty, cold, and devastated. It quickly registered in my brain as to what had happened. I had a miscarriage.

My hands slowly raised to cover my mouth and I closed my eyes tight as tears threatened to spill out. Dr. Nelson noticed my change in demeanor. She reached down and placed her hand on my shoulder. I looked up at her with tears blurring my vision. She sucked in her lips and nodded slowly. That’s when I lost it, I was heaving back and forth in the bed. I felt like my heart had been ripped into a million pieces. How could I feel this way without even knowing that I was pregnant. Gavin shot up like a rocket, “What’s going on? Stella, what’s wrong?” I couldn’t move my lips to explain. I calmed myself a bit and grabbed his hand and placed it on top of my stomach. It took him a second before he realized what I was talking about. He sunk to his knees on the side of my bed and buried his face in my stomach. I sat up slightly and wrapped my arms around his head as he sobbed in my arms.

It was the most devastating moment of my life. I hadn’t noticed that I skipped my period last month. We were so caught up with training and traveling that it hadn’t even registered. I didn’t have any other symptoms of being pregnant so I went on with my normal life. That’s when it hit me, oh my god, was this all my fault? I had still been smoking and drinking all this time. I started to spiral again at the possibility of me being the reason that my baby wasn’t here anymore. I started crying hysterically again. Bringing Gavin’s attention back up to me. He had still been laying in my lap. “Baby, calm down, it’s going to be okay.” I shook my head at him, I tried to get my words out but I couldn’t get all of them, “my...fault...this is...” I threw my hands over my face and my body started to convulse in anger. I felt Dr. Nelson’s hands on me, “Luna, please calm down. This is not your fault. Please calm down, let me explain.” It took both Gavin and Dr. Nelson to hold me still so I could calm down. When my body wasn’t cooperating Dr. Nelson said in a stern voice. “Luna, if you do not calm down, I will have to give you something to make you calm down, okay? I don’t want to do that. You’ve been through enough as it is, please Stella. Let me explain.” I finally was able to calm my heart rate down enough for them to release me. I took a couple shaky, deep breaths before turning to Dr. Nelson. “I’m so sorry,” she slowly shook my her head at me, “You have no reason to be sorry. I can understand how you feel. I’ve been here in your shoes many times myself.” She reached behind her and rolled her stool closer so she could sit by my bedside. She placed her clipboard down in her lap before reaching for one of my hands.

“First of all, this was not your fault. You had what is called an Ectopic pregnancy. When your egg was fertilized about 6 weeks ago, it didn’t move from your Fallopian tube. Normal embryos are supposed to migrate down to your uterine wall for implantation. When your embryo got stuck in your Fallopian tube, it started to grow at an accelerated causing some major inflammation. Eventually, the pressure became too much and your Fallopian tube started to tear. That’s what was causing your pain and bleeding.” she took a deep breath before she continued. “Luckily we were able to get you into emergency surgery to stop further damage and repair your Fallopian tube. Unfortunately, I couldn’t save the embryo. Sometimes these things happen and they are not in our control.”

She stared at me, waiting for my response. I couldn’t open my mouth to speak so I just nodded my head slowly. She gave my hand a quick squeeze before releasing it. “You just need a little bit of rest and I want to put you on some mild antibiotics to curb any possible infections. You should be ready to go home as soon as tomorrow. Now, get some rest. I’ll be back to check on you later.”

Once she was gone, I turned to Gavin who was still speechless. “Gavin, please come lay with me?” His face softened a bit as he climbed in beside me. I couldn’t feel a slight pinch of pain as I readjusted to accommodate Gavin’s body. Once we were situated, I placed my head on his chest and let the tears flow. I guess it just wasn’t your time bean. I placed my hand on my stomach, where bean had been just a short time ago. We will always love you bean. I closed my eyes tight as more tears fell down my cheeks. Gavin kissed the top of my head as he rocked me back and forth. “Shh, sleep now bug. I’m right here.” I took a few breaths and drifted off to sleep.

I was in and out of sleep. Every time my body wanted to wake up I would tell my brain to shut it down. I didn’t want to be awake, I didn’t want to think about any of this. I was so crushed, I didn’t know how to process it just yet. Then I realized that I wasn’t the only one that was hurting. I knew that Gavin was devastated too, he just hid it much better. The next time my body tried to wake, I let the light of the room in. Gavin was still wrapped around me, he was gently snoring behind me. I tilted my head back towards him and inhaled his scent, something was off about him. I knew that something had changed. I didn’t want to wake him so I stealthily reached for my nurse’s button. After a few seconds, Alicia chimed in, “Good afternoon Luna, what can I do for you?” I started to whisper, hoping that she would lower her voice. “I was wondering if I could eat anything?” She must have gotten the message because she totally whispered back. “Of course Luna, I will have a menu brought in for you. I have to ask? Why are we whispering?” I giggled quietly, “Because Alpha is sleeping and I don’t want to wake him.” there was a short pause. “Oh got it!”

Gavin was just starting to stir as they brought my food in. I wanted something light, so the kitchen made me chicken noodle soup in a bread bowl. I had them send up some for Gavin too. It was almost 4 o’clock in the afternoon. We had been in the hospital for almost 14 hours and neither of us had eaten yet. Gavin sleepily sat up and stretched out his arms. He swung his legs off the bed and stood up. I gave him my best pout when he turned around. “What? What did I do?” I shook my head at him, “Nothing, I was just kidding. I just wasn’t didn’t want you to get out of bed.” I gestured to the covered container on my tray, “I had them send up a bread bowl for you too, you need to eat.” Gavin gave me a small smile, I knew that he didn’t feel like eating but he knew that he needed to. He grabbed the chair by the window and pulled up next to my bed. We ate in silence for a while, I was almost done eating when he turned to look at me. “Bug, are we going to talk about this?” I looked at him and set down my chunk of bread, I closed my eyes and took a shallow breath, “Gavin, I know that we need to talk about this, but I’m not ready. In all honesty, I don’t think I ever will. I am trying to so hard to keep myself from feeling the pain that is ripping through my heart. I need a little more time to adjust. I also don’t want anyone to know about this, for now at least. I haven’t really let it settle myself. I don’t need other people’s sympathy while I try to accept this earth shattering, soul crushing, and utterly devastating news.” I took a small pause before lowering my voice. “All I need right now is you, I know that we can get through this together. It’ll hurt like hell for a while, but it will get easier overtime. I think the best way is for us to do it alone.” He hung his head a little and nodded. “I completely agree. People will find out when it is time. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page. At the end of the day, I love you more than anything in this world. I swore to protect your head and your heart, I just want you to know that I will always be here for you. No matter if you want to cry, kick, or scream.” He held tight onto my hands and leaned down to kiss my knuckles.

We will get through this, we just have to.