Personal Violation

Chapter Two

Chapter TwoThe plane landed and Sarah drove home in a fog. She felt alone and isolated. Entirely out of character, she was not going to attend her morning presentation. She hadn't even called anyone to tell them she wouldn't make it. Her part of the presentation just wouldn't happen. She hadn't called John to tell him what had happened. She was afraid to tell him; afraid and ashamed. He would be angry. He would want to kill Nolan. And worse yet, he might start to look at her differently. What had she done to encourage this? How did she let herself get into this situation? She had asked herself countless times why she had opened the door to her room. Why she had let him in after he had forcibly kissed her? She felt foolish and blameworthy. She was partly responsible for this. Sarah had always told herself that she was a strong woman and that something like this could never happen to her. She always thought she could be in control in any situation.

Sarah arrived home at 10:30 a.m. and immediately turned on the shower. She took off her clothes, climbed under the showerhead and began to soap herself, over and over again. The memory and the trauma could not be washed away. She couldn't make herself clean again, and she felt like she was falling from a cliff; no control and no way out. Sarah knew that the r**e had taken away parts of her that she could not reclaim. She had been damaged.

Sarah dried off and put on a nightgown. She knew that she should seek medical attention, but she didn't want to tell anyone. She wasn't ready to face what had happened to her, and all that it would mean. She climbed into bed, and cried until she drifted off into a troubled sleep. At 7:00 p.m., John came home and found her in bed. She wanted so badly to tell him what had happened, and how she had been violated, but she couldn't find the words. She heard herself tell him that she was feeling under the weather, even while she was pulling the covers to her chin to conceal the remaining bruise discoloration on her arms, shoulders and neck. He kissed her and tucked the covers over her. He told her that she had been pushing herself too hard and that she needed to give herself a chance to recover. He asked if she needed medicine or food and she said no to everything. She told him that she just needed rest.

He closed the bedroom door, not knowing of the trauma that his wife had endured. It was a second awful day when she didn't get help, and when she kept a terrible secret. A second terrible day when she wasn't sure that she wanted to live anymore. It felt like an eternity.

On Friday morning, John kissed her and asked if he could get breakfast for her. She refused. She was still under the weather, but things would get better. She had to promise him that if she didn't feel better by tomorrow, she would make a doctor's appointment.

Sarah stayed in bed all morning. She drifted off to sleep for short periods and then awoke to the stark reality, rediscovering the nightmare all over again. She sat up in bed and found herself sobbing uncontrollably. After a time, she got up and put on a robe. She made her way into the bathroom and opened up the medicine cabinet. She considered the bottles on the shelf. There was a full bottle of aspirin, and there were a number of Vicodin left over from John's old back injury. She stood staring into the cabinet, wondering whether there were enough pills there to allow her to end the pain that inflicted her every waking moment. She wasn't sure, and she didn't want John to come home and find her. She told herself that there had to be another way through this.

Sarah walked around the house, aimlessly looking for some diversion from the reality that tore her apart. She took a seat in the living room and stared out the living room window, not noticing the sunny day outside. A dark cloud had taken her mind, and seemed to be closing in on her. Her life had been taken away from her, and there seemed to be no point in continuing.

At 1:00 p.m. her phone rang. The caller ID said it was Angie Barnett, her best friend since college. She let it ring three times, and then hit the button. “Angie,” she said, tearfully.

“Sarah, what's wrong.” There was silence. “Sarah, what is it.”

“Angie, I was r***d,” she cried out, the words pouring out of her, almost involuntarily.

“Are you at home?”

“Yes.”

“I'll be there in twenty minutes.”

Sarah felt some small measure of relief in telling her friend about the nightmare she had been secreting. She put on coffee and sat at the kitchen table to wait for her friend. She didn't have to wait long. There was a knock at the front door and Angie was calling her name. “Sarah, it's me. Let me in.”

Sarah walked to the front door and opened it slowly. Angie threw her arms around Sarah as soon as she stepped inside. “My God, Sarah, are you okay?”

Sarah shook her head. “No, I don't think so.”

“What happened? Who did this to you?” Her friend was angry, and ready to fight.

“Thank you for coming, Angie. I don't think I've ever needed a friend like I do today.”

They sat down on the couch and Angie took Sarah's hands in hers, and didn't let go for two hours as Sarah told her the story. The kiss in his room, his invasion into her room and what he did to her. She told Angie about her guilt and shame. She should never have let him in. She should never have been in a situation where that could happen.

Angie shook her head. “Right, and people shouldn't be where robberies occur so they don't get robbed or shot. This is not your fault, Sarah. This is that f*****g pig you work for and he needs to be held accountable.” She took a deep breath, fighting back anger she felt toward the man who attacked her friend. “Are you okay, physically?”

“Not great. The pain isn't what it was, but I'm sore. It's a constant reminder of what he did. Not that I need to be reminded.” She drew a breath, and then added, “I had a little bruising on my face from where he slapped me. I put make-up over it when I got home, and now it's pretty much faded.”

“Have you seen anyone? I mean a doctor?”

“No.”

“Did you call the cops?”

Sarah was quiet and then said. “I thought about it a lot, but I worry about what comes from all that.”

“What do you mean?” Angela blurted out excitedly, “You have to turn this sick mother fucker in.”

“You know what they do to women who come forward. They say that she wanted it, and now she's had second thoughts because she's married. She's a w***e. Let's explore her s****l history and see what we can find to attack. Jesus, Angie, the victim of r**e gets to be the victim over and over again.”

“I understand,” Angie said softly, “but the alternative is to let this s**t go on every day; to let him do it again.”

Sarah was silent a few moments and then said, “I just don't know if I can face all that.”

“Since when?” Angie said. “The Sarah that I know can stand up to any man and demand accountability. There is no way she lets him get away with this.” She paused and said, “I know that a large number of women who have been r***d or sexually assaulted never come forward because it's so hard, but that only assures two things. The first is that the woman remains a victim for the rest of her life, and the second is that the son of b***h just walks free to do it to someone else.”

Sarah nodded. “But how do I escape feeling so ashamed about it all? Part of me just wants to never speak of it again.”

“Yeah, that's what your boss wants, too.” She reflected a moment and then asked, “Have you told John yet?”

Sarah silently shook her head.

“You need to tell him, Sarah. If you don't it becomes a trust issue between you and John.”

Sarah nodded slowly. “I know that you're right. I just haven't wanted to face that conversation. I'll tell him tonight.”

“And go see a counselor, and a lawyer, right away.”

“A lawyer?”

“Yes, damn it. This is not okay and this asshole needs to know it's not okay.”

“What did you tell work about why you're not there?”

“Nothing. I haven't called anyone.”

“All right. Ask the lawyer what you should do about that.”

“I don't know which lawyer to call.”

Angie pulled out her cell and dialed a number. “Justin Evans, please. This is Angela Barnett.” There was a slight pause and then Angie said, “Justin, you were telling me about a good employment lawyer on the employee side recently, you remember that?” Angie pulled a pen and paper from her purse during the brief silence that followed. “Yeah, I have a close friend who has a significant employment issue.” Angie scratched some information onto the page and then asked, “This is the guy you most recommend?” Another pause. “Great. Thanks, Justin.”

She handed Sarah the paper. “You need to call, Scott Winslow at Simmons and Winslow. Here's his info.”

“That name is familiar somehow.”

“Good employment lawyer. He got a big verdict against Consolidated Energy last year for a whistleblower.”

“I think I remember hearing about that case.”

“Promise me two things, Sarah. Promise me that after you tell John, you'll see a counselor and that you'll make an appointment to see Scott Winslow.” Sarah looked worried, so Angie added, “You don't have to commit to do anything more, but go talk to him.”

Sarah was momentarily quiet and then she nodded slowly. “Okay, I will.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.” Sarah hugged her friend and said, “Thank you so much, Angie.” She was quiet a moment and then asked, “Can you stay with me until John comes home tonight? The world looks a little better when I'm with you.”

“You bet. Let's go get some coffee and get down to some real girl talk.” She smiled. “We can get through this together.”

* * *

At 5:00 p.m., Sarah called John and asked him to come home early. She told him it was important and they needed to talk. He said he would leave right away.

When they hung up, Angie said, “This will be hard for him, too, Sarah, but he's not the victim here, you are. And you do not have a thing to apologize for. You just want everyone on your team to help you. That's what John needs to keep as his priority.”

“You are amazing, Angie. I don't know what I would do without you.”

“You will never have to know that, my friend.”

They hugged each other, holding tight. When they pulled back, Sarah could see that Angie was crying.

As John walked in, Angie hugged him and said, “She needs your help, John.”

He looked puzzled as Angie walked out of the house. He turned to Sarah and said, “What is it, sweetheart? What's happening?”

They sat down next to each other on the couch and she said, “I need you to listen carefully and not overreact, because that will make it worse.”

“Okay,” he said, and waited for her to continue.

“I was r***d Wednesday night.”

“What? Oh, my God. Are you okay?”

“I'm not great, but I'm doing my best to hang in there.”

He threw his arms around her and held her tight. She stayed in his arms for what seemed like minutes. He pulled back and looked into her eyes, keeping his arms around her neck, and trying to suppress his own emotional reaction, knowing he needed to see through the anger. He had to be a calming influence and listen carefully to her.

“Who did this?”

“Jim Nolan.”

“Jesus. Your boss r***d you?” Anxiety filled his face. “You need a doctor. Did you get checked out?”

“I haven't seen anyone yet. Physically, I'll heal. I'm just sore.”

“Jesus Christ, that son of a bitch.”

She gave him a moment and then said. “It happened at the hotel on Wednesday night after we both came back from our meetings. He pushed me against a wall and kissed me and I walked away. Then he came to my room and knocked. He told me it was to apologize for his behavior.”

“Oh, s**t,” John muttered, anger getting the better of him. “I'll kill that…”

“John. Just listen to me, please.”

“Okay, okay,” he said, trying to regain control.

She took him through all of it. Everything that happened.

“I feel so ashamed, John. I shouldn't have opened that door. Maybe I should have done something else differently.”

When he saw the hurt and fear in Sarah's eyes, he set aside his anger and put his arms around her. “Sweetheart, you did nothing wrong. Nothing. And together we will make it through all of this, I promise.”

She teared up and said, “I'm so sorry, John. And I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. Some crazy part of me thought that you would think less of me for letting it happen.”

He held her close and told her, “I love you so much. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.” He suppressed flashes of anger that arose in the midst of his overwhelming feelings of sorrow and compassion for the woman he loved. He wanted to protect her. He wanted to cry. He wanted to kill James Nolan.