Make me fall in love

Day 4- Part II

Jennifer's POV:

While waiting for Dr. Nannes to finish with his other appointment , I texted Richard about how his exam went and if he found a ride home.

Ric♥️: It went well! I think it'll be fine, most of the things we went over were on the exam thank you Jen for helping me and all that. And yes I did find a ride, Jessica took me home but we're getting pizza now. I'm with her and Simon. Got to go.

Oh okay... Send me a sexy picture of you.

I am still waiting for my turn. It has been five minutes and there's only four minutes until my appointment.  I heard the girl cry.  So, I don't think my appointment is going to happen any time soon. Dr. Nannes doesn't let you just go if he thinks you're not okay, he stays and talks to you and once you seem to be okay, he lets you go. To make sure you're okay, he says.

My mobile buzzed.

I'm home, here's that sexy picture.

My eyes widen, I didn't think he was going to do it, I was joking I didn't want the picture, I'd like to see it for myself not in a picture! I was about to  text  him not to send me a nude when I receive the image. A pizza. She sent me a picture of a pizza with the caption 'enjoy '. Things like this really do make me wonder how I did I not like him before.

I replied back.

Oh my god Save me a slice? Please please pretty pleaseeeee?

What do I get?

Now you're just being greedy.

Anyway, aren't you supposed to be in your appointment?

Dirk has another patient, I'm hearing her cry so I'm guessing they're going to be in there for another 10 minutes, I don't mind though. So what are you doing?

Listening to music, Jess and Simon are here. We're facetiming Ben. Nick is texting Jess telling her to meet him, is that safe?

If they use protection it will be

You know what I mean... i***t

Ay man, Nick probably just wants to talk to her, if she tells him she doesn't want anything, he'll understand and move on. He isn't the annoying type or clingy either. If they're texting it should be because he has interest in her but don't let her get her hopes up, though.

you're no help

Why aren't u replying. Talk to me.

"lol look who cant get enough of me ☺️" I replied back.

you're entertaining, that's all.

sure thing, love, sure thing.

So this is how you do with other people? I'm actually curious as how you get so many people to do things with you...

That's insulting, love, haven't you seen me?

haha okay.. I'm sure there's more to it than how you look, tell me?

"I don't know, I mean yes, I look good and others like me but they also like the idea of me. They all see me as this hot girl with a cool personality and an open mind... I'm flirty and I'm honest. Guess people just like me." I texted back.

So if you were going to get with a girl, how'd you do it? He asked.

Idk, normally I don't put much effort. Why are you asking? You're going to cheat on me? I thought one wasnt supposed to cheat in relationships, if you do it, i'll do it.

Noooo! I've never cheated on anyone before, I wouldn't do that, not even to you... Altho this is a fake relationship, I wouldn't do that

Erm.. this isn't a fake relationship. This is real, this is very, very real. a short term thing , i give you that but isn't fake, I'm being honest with you, I'm being 100% real with you, I'm showing you who I am and I'm letting you in, don't tell me that you've thought that how I've been  a lie. don't insult me like that.

No I didn't mean that, i didn't think that. He apologized.

I didn't reply, I don't know why his message made me angry, I know we weren't really going to last and I had to keep reminding myself that this was a game but it isn't fake... I am being real with him, why would she think that this is fake? I actually think this has been the real me that I've been in so long, and he thinks it's fake...

He texts again.  Jen, I'm sorry?

Right when I read his message, Dirk opened his office door, exactly 10 minutes, I knew it. A girl around my age comes out with him, she has puffy red eyes and a runny nose, I smiled at both of them as she left and I walked inside Dirk's office.

"I have a lot of things to tell you." I said as he sat down, he chuckled and I sighed. My relationship with Dr. Dirk Nannes isn't normal .  I've been consulting him since my brother passed away, 3 years  to be exact, I even call him sometimes when I'm having a hard time, I'm pretty sure someone could say that what we have is a friendship where I pay for his friendship. He knows every single thing about my life and I just find it helpful to come here once a week sometimes twice to just tell him how everything has been.

"You want to sit down or—"

"No, I'm okay with standing, helps to concentrate better." I interrupted him as I paced his room, how do I tell him this without making it sound bad. I know what he's going to say already anyways... "So I did something and I don't know how I feel about it, I don't know if it was the right thing to do either."

"Why don't you think it was the right thing to do?" I am going to answer him but my phone vibrated, I unlocked it to read Richard's message.

Richard: I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I know this isn't fake.. I just... I don't know... after all we're going to be overwith this in a month right?

"Because at first I am pretty sure but now I'm not so sure how this is going to end ." I answered Dirk putting my phone back in my pocket. "You know how sometimes you say that I do things and I give myself a reason for them but in reality I'm deceiving myself because I don't want to accept the real reason?" I asked him, he nodded, he has said that to me so many times... "Well I think I did it again. I did something and I gave myself a bunch of excuses and reasons and now I think that the reason why I did it was completely different from the ones I thought were my real reason, do you understand? Like I did it because I thought it was a bet, a challenge, a dare, to prove people that I could do it... But now, I think that maybe.Well perhaps I'm just— You know, confused?"

"Alright how about we begin from the beginning?" He asked as my phone vibrated again. "What happened?"

Jennifer, I'm sorry I don't want you to be mad at me, I didn't mean it, you've been honest with me and I appreciate you letting me in and I'm sorry if this set us back a step .

"Well, remember last week, when I came on Friday? We are talking about Richard? Well ,you said that maybe I am afraid to realise that in reality I like him and that I, unconsciously, treated him the way I did so I could talk to him and make him feel certain way about me, make him notice me and also I am scared of someone who could touch me in an emotional level.Anyway, after I went from here, I went to a party— Don't worry, I didn't drink. Thqt party lasted until Saturday afternoon, after that I went home with this guy... And I was with him when Ben and Richard walk in. We talk and all this, and guess what!? Richard has a girlfriend! A girl.. As in he's not gay. So I started to think about this and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to know about him, it turns out his girlfriend is away and they aren't really together because they broke up before the girl left but Richard still wants to be with her or something.Anyway, next day, I kiss him. I don't know why I did that, he said he didn't like me and he said a lot of stuff that hit a nerve ,Dirk. Anyway, that day I had an argument with Kevin which I will tell you later. So, I went home and I asked a few people to come over, because I wasn't feeling okay. Nick and I start to talk about this stupid bet we made, the one about kissing 100 people? Well I wanted to stop the bet just because I wasn't feeling it and one thing led to another, I end up making this bet with Nick that I have to get with Richard in order to win the whole bet, stupid right?  Well, then Richard came and  I kiss him again I don't know why I did that. Turns out he doesn't like me because slhe thinks I'm a d**g addict? Anyway, I ended up making a deal with him that we would be in a real relationship for a month, he gets to know me, the real me and in the process we have to make each other fall for the other, and the one who loses gets a broken heart. But hear this, so far yeah? I've been the one to do this and that, to be nice and I don't want him to do anything because I think— I-I— Oh doc, I'm fucked..."

Again my mobile vibrated.

I understand if you don't want to talk to me, I understand my text pissed you off, I'm sorry.. but just text me back so I know that you're not, you know, somewhere dead?

I rolled my eyes at the message, why would I be dead? he knew I will be with my psychologist.

"Well, for one thing you don't cease to amuse me." Dirk laughed, "Do you want me to be honest or professional? Or do you want to tell me something more?" Dr. Nannes ask .

"Be honest about this."

"I think that you know what you're feeling but you don't like it or you don't want to accept it because you didn't see it coming, you can't control it and we both know that you like to have control over things. What you think or might feel for Richard is way out of your control which is what scaring you. I think you've gone through all this trouble to go out with the guy to give yourself an excuse to get close to him and the fact that you're the one doing everything to make him fall for you could say that you don't need him to do anything so you'd fall for him because you're alr—"

"Woahh- Do not say it, doc,just  don't say it." I put my hands in the air and shake my head rapidly, he cannot say those words. "I think that maybe I like him a little too much and now I'm liking him a little bit more and I feel bad about the ending of this bet because obviously I'm going to make him fall for me and I'm going to have to break up with him."

"Tell me something, what happens if he doesn't fall for you? And why did you come up with such a bad ending? Why make him fall for you and then break his heart? What did he say to you that hit your nerves?"

"he said I don't know love,  I don't want to be loved and I am hard to love and I couldn't love." I said angrily, I am getting worked up for no reason.

"I know love, I knew love and it was pure and innocent, the love you have for your siblings is the strongest.No type of love could match that love. but then—my heart broke but that doesn't mean I can never love again, I lost my brother and that destroyed me but I can love someone romantically, it has nothing to do with my loss. I'm not ready for commitment but it has nothing to do with losing Kayden."

"It has nothing to do with losing him but what about the way that you lost him?" He asked and I tensed up. Here we go back to this subject.

"As you said many times, Kayden decided to leave you and you took that as your fault, we've been through this, it has nothing to do with you, it wasn't your fault."

"No, I don't want to talk about that." I shook my head. My phone vibrated again. This time, I ignored it.

"I haven't thought about what would happen if he doesn't fall for me, I guess that's not an option. But I can tell you that I came up with the bad ending because at that moment I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to make him love me and then simply leave him. Because— Because he judged me not knowing how much it hurt to lose someone who meant so much to you, maybe if he loves me half as much as I loved my brother, maybe he'll understand why I am like this and he'll  regret his words."

Now , I opened the text Richard sent. Okay so you don't want to talk to me. I get it... I guess if you want to stop the month relationship thing, I get that too. I'm sorry. Just know that this few days have been enough to make me like you as a person. If we can... I'd like to be your friend? Just friends and we can still talk and be you know, friends.. I like getting to know you. I'm sorry Jennifer.

"You want him to understand you?" He asked. I nodded then shook my head, is that what I want? "Why don't you explain it to him, with words instead of making him suffer?"

I sat down sighing,

"I don't know but I got in a fight with Kevin." I change the subject because that's enough about Richard. "My parents want to tell him the truth, they want to tell him what really happened with Kayden and how he was in l the last couple of months, but I don't want him to know. I still can't go to the cemetery or that house. I can look at my parents but I still feel like I need to blame them. I don't want Kevin to know because I'd have to explain to him what happened and I don't want to, I don't want him to think that I didn't do anything to help him. I've been trying, you know? To go to the cemetery or to the house or talk about him.  it just reminds me of him too much and I can't handle thinking about him without seeing an imagine of him, of those last two minutes I was with him."

"Have you ever heard that say, The truth will set you free?" He ask and I roll my eyes.

"That's crap. I'd rather not know some truths to be honest." I interrupt him and he laughed shaking his head. "Doc, I'm tired. I don't know how to figure out anything, you know? This strange feelings I get when I'm with Richard. Kevin wanting to know more about Kayden and getting in fights with me. Sometimes I feel so lonely. I feel like this void is never going to be filled. Everything seems so hard at times, I don't think I'll ever truly get over it, I don't think I'll ever be a full person, I feel like I've lost my half soul.

"Jennifer, are you still having suicide thoughts?" He asked making my whole body tense. "Are you harming yourself in any way again?"

"No." I sighed.

"Would you tell me if you did?" He ask, I nod.

"Oh would you look at the time, 3:49, we finished 10 minutes earlier. Can I go home?" I smiled getting up. He sighed but nodded, he knows that sometimes I just come so I can complain and some time I really need to talk, today I just needed to rant out and I'm done.

"Think about what I told you, its good to let people in, Jennifer" He says as we walks out of his office. There's another girl waiting for him.

I make my way to my car.

I was busy. I'm on my way home, we'll just talk there.

I texted Richard. When I get home, I'm not going to talk because I don't need to talk about this, I just need to make him fall for me.