A Shade of Midnight

TWELVE

By dinnertime, I dined with Al. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan sina Raven but Al told me that sometimes, they just disappear and do something only they know. Kaya naman hindi na ako nagtanong pa. As for Mel, she's usually holed up in her apartment at lumalabas lang kapag kailangan na niyang lumabas. Kaya naman silang dalawa lang ni Al ngayon ang kumakain sa bahay.

It was nice to have a companion. Someone who can umderstand her and talk to. Sinabi niya kay Al ang naging usapan nila ni Raven kaninaat tumawa lang ito.

"It's nice though that you managed to stop him to continue brooding. It takes a miracle to stop when he prepares to brood," Al said.

I heaved a sigh as I ate the piece of meat on my plate. I tried to hide the sense of pride I felt when I heard what Al said. It takes a miracle but all it took from me was the talk of those lacy undergarments. Hindi ko maiwasang pamulahan ng pisngi. It was definitely desperation that pushed me. At dahil doon ay nasabi ko ang bagay na kailanman ay hindi ko akalaing masasabi ko. But then again, I had to do what I need to do at that moment. And that is to not leave Raven with his thoughts.

Matapos naming kumain ay naupo muna kami sa living room. Kumuha si Al mg isang bote ng wine sa cellar ng bahay ni Raven.

"We have to put these wines to good use," sabi niya sa akin at tumawa nalang ako. She poured me on my glass before she poured some on hers.

We spent the few hours talking but mostly, it was just Al who talked about the beautiful and terrible places she has visited. Nakinig lang ako sa kanya at tumatawa sa mga kwento niyang nakakatawa.

By the time it was midnight, napagpasyahan niyang umuwi na sa kanyang apartment. Naubos namin ang isang bote pero parang wala lang iyong epekto sa kanya. She almost drank all the contents of that bottle by herself. Kaya naman kaunti lang ang nainom ko.

When I was finally alone, I decided to clean up the mess we made. Hindi pa rin umuuwi sina Raven at hindi ko alam kung nasaan sila. Nang matapos ako sa paglilinis ay napagpasyahan kong matulog na lang. The two handmaidens were nowhere to be found and I was thankful that for a while, I get to enjoy things alone. It didn't feel lonely. It felt rather refreshing. Maganda iyong paminsan-minsan ay napapag-isa ka. It gives you time to think. Kaya naman bago ako matulog ay agad akong kumuha ng panulat.

Raven said I have gotten better at using Sandovian scripts so I wrote down everything I wish to tell Matthew Guderian. I know his fondness for me and I will put it to good use. Since I have been in Raven's household, I have learned to do things my own. Raven lets me do things my way which is something I am thankful for. I am tired of being controlled. I am tired of being told what to do. And this letter I am writing, this is something I will do for the North Court as its emissary.

I read the letter again and again bago ko ito isinilid sa isang puting envelope, sealing it with the North Court's official seal. Agad ko naman iyong inilagay sa table sa kwarto ko.

Naalala ko naman ang sinabi ni Al kanina. That it takes a miracle to stop Raven from brooding. Somehow, it made me feel fulfilled. I tried to ignore the slight sense of triumph as I climbed into bed. But I couldn't help thinking about it even as I fell asleep.

***

I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was the ceiling. Agad kong napatingin sa orasan sa gilid ng kama at nakitang alas dos na ng madaling araw. I jolted upright. I didn't have any nightmares. I woke up because of a noise. I twisted to the open window. There were stars on the clear skies. Nothing out of ordinary. Ngunit ang naririnig kong ingay ay nagmumula mismo sa loob ng bahay.

Agad akong bumaba sa kama at naglakad palabas. And that's when I heard it better. It came from the room just a few doors away from mine. Raven's.

I walked down the dark hall and went to his door. I did not hesitate to yank the door open and there he was, sprawled on the bed. A piece of blanket covering his naked torso.

"Raven," I called, my voice seeming to get colder with the cold wind going in from his open windows.

The light from the moon poured right into him. His eyes were closed. But his brows were furrowed. He was gripping his bedsheets and I know what it was. I know it very well. Because once upon a time, I was just like that. The nightmares that never cease to haunt me every night, causing me to hurl my guts out.

"Raven," I said as I walked closer, slowly. The veins on his arms were protruding dahil sa higpit ng pagkakahawak nito sa bedsheet. And he was groaning and grunting na parang nahihirapan.

"Raven," I called as I touched his arms and shake him gently ngunit walang naging epekto iyon. And then he started thrashing the sheets. His grunts suddenly turned into growls as if he was ready to kill anyone who would go near. But I didn't care. Hindi ako nagdalawang isip na umakyat sa kama niya. I held his hands, his shoulders, his stomach. His skin was freezing as I found my hands back to his shoulders and then I shouted his name.

Ngunit hindi pa rin siya tumitigil. Nagsimula na akong kabahan. Kaya naman agad akong lumuhod sa gilid ng kama niya at sinampal siya ng ubod nang lakas. My palm stung but he didn't move. I hit him again, shouting his name.

And then his hands were on me, flipping me. Suddenly, he's already on top of me, his hand pinning me with expert skills to the mattress and his wrist on my throat.

I went still and he did too. His violet eyes were wild as he looked at me and he was breathing hard. His face pale, his eyes wide and scanning.

"Raven," I breathed. Ever so slowly, I raised my hand and touched his face. His skin was freezing cold but I didn't flinch. I stared at him as I continued to caress his face with so much gentleness, soothing him, wordlessly saying that it's alright, that I am here, and that he didn't need to be scared. His eyes were still frantic as he looked at me and I saw, not a kernel, but his eyes were laced with fear I have never seen before. The vulnerability he has never shown anyone. And that's when I realized that everything he shows to the others was all his masks. And right here in front of me is the real Raven Lancel. Haunted with his nightmares, his fears, and everything he feared to happen. He was just like me and somehow, I felt connected to him. Somehow, I wanted to wrap my arms around him, comfort him, just like what he did to me when I was hurling my guts out in the cold bathroom floor.

"It was a dream," I said. His hand was so cold against my wrists. "It was just a dream."

He looked at me and then it was as if he broke out from a trance of fear and guilt and then I saw something different from his eyes.

"Delta," I said. "I am Delta." His eyes were laced with recognition. His breathing was jagged, uneven. I gripped the wrist that held my throat. "You were dreaming."

I stared into his eyes and saw him slowly calm down.

His room was similar to mine. The big was so big that it could even accommodate Azrael and Bryen. And he was naked above me. Utterly naked. Pinigilan ko ang mga mata kong tumingin sa ibaba. I settled on his face and the tattoos on his chest.

"Delta," he said, his voice hoarse. Na para bang galing siya sa pagsigaw.

"Yes," I said. He studied my face and then his hand at my throat and then released me immediately.

Nanatili akong nakahiga sa kama habang nakatingin sa kanya na nakaluhod. He was rubbing his hands on his face. My traitorous eyes indeed dared to look lower than his chest ngunit mas nakuha ng attensyon ko ang tattoo na nasa kanyang mga tuhod. A castle crowned by three stars. It was beautiful yet brutal, somehow. 

"You were having a nightmare," I said, easing into a sitting position. He was staring at his hands and he was still breathing hard. Then he looked at me.

"I'm sorry."

Napatingin ako sa kanya. Studying him carefully. "This is why you stay here in this house. That's why you don't stay at the house where the others are. You don't want them to see this."

Just how selfless can you be, Rhys?

"I normally don't get nightmares as worse as this. I am sorry it woke you."

Mahigpit akong napahawak sa aking damit, just to stop myself from touching him.

"How often does this happen?"

His violet gaze drifted at me and I knew the answer right before he said, "As often as you."

Napalunok ako ng laway. Pushing down the lump in my throat. "What did you dream of tonight?"

He shook his head, looking toward the window, to the sky full of stars. "There are memories from that manor, Delta, that are best left unshared. Even with you."

He had told me enough horrific things before. Things that he had done and had to go through and they were beyond nightmares. I reached to touch his elbow.

"When you want to talk, let me know. I won't tell the others."

I was about to slide off the bed when he grabbed my hand. "Thank you."

Tiningnan ko ang kamay niya, ang mukha niya and I saw pain lingering there and then exhaustion. The face he never let anyone see. I pushed up to my knees and braced my hands on his arm before I leaned and kiss his cheek. His skin was warm and soft beneath my mouth. I looked at the male before me, vulnerable and scared. And to think that he had stayed and comforted me when I have nightmares on my own.

His eyes were a bit wide as I pulled away and he didn't stop me as I eased off the bed. At nang malapit na ako sa pinto, tumingin ako sa kanya.

Raven still knelt on his bed, head bowed, his tattoos stark against his skin. A fallen prince.

As glorious as he looks

there is something nobody else took

his pain and suffering, paired with guilt and exhaustion

was all that makes him a masterpiece in the making.

But there is something beautiful with fallen things

Like how leaves drift gracefully away from autumn leaves.

Words suddenly poured inside my mind as I looked at him. I have stopped writing after my soul was broken. And yet here I am, playing with words inside my mind as I stared at the High Lord. The words remained, shining faintly in my mind, in that hole inside my chest.

The hole that was slowly starting to mend itself.

* * *