A Shade of Midnight

SIXTEEN

His hand was warm against mine and it was a test of stubbornness. We had been closer than this many times. There was even a time when I perched on his lap while his hand roamed around my body for everybody to see. Ngunit habang hawak niya ang kamay ko ngayon ay hindi ko napigilan ang pamumula ng mukha ko. I need to find a distraction.

So I asked, "So you're training women Valyrian warriors?"

"Trying to." He gazed at the sweeping land in front of us. "I banned women slavery the moment I became High Lord and gave chances to them to be able to fight on their own." He looked at me.

"But as you can see, the warlords are difficult. Bryen tried to form a special fighting unit amongst the women warriors, trying to prove that they have a place on the battlefield. So far, he's managed to train a few dedicated warriors. The Valyrian men make life so miserable that some of the women left. Like what Mel said, Valyrian men are assholes. They think women are lesser than them and they should remain to do chores. But so far, among the warlords, Cidran is the only one who lets the women train without complaint."

I nodded. Hindi nga nagreklamo si Cidran ngunit halata naman na pinapahirapan niya ang mga babaw sa mga gawain sa paligid. Enough to tire them and not to the training. I knew this history. I knew Valyrian women were treated poorly. Treated as slaves and breeding stocks for future Valyrian warriors. And perhaps having them fight alongside the men on the battlefield is something that makes them feel less like a man. They are assholes, indeed. 

"Some camps issued laws that if a woman was caught training, she is unmarriageable. I can't fight against things like that. Well, maybe I can but it would mean I would have to slaughter the warlords of each camp and raise personally each and every one of their offspring."

"And yet your mother loved them. And you wear their tattoos. Az and Bryen too."

Napangiti siya sa sinabi ko at saka tumingin sa kanyang braso. "I got the tattoos to honor my mother, to honor my brothers, who have fought every day of their lives for the right to wear them."

"Bakit hinahayaan mo lang si Cidran na tawagin si Bryen nang ganoon?"

"Because I know when to pick a fight with Cidran. At alam ko na magagalit si Bryen kung pahihirapan ko si Cidran kung kayang-kaya naman niya itong gulpihin."

Napalunok naman ako ng laway. Of course, they could easily crush each and every Valyrian warrior in the camp.

"Have you ever been so pissed that you just want to eradicate all of them?"

He shrugged. "I did just earlier. Ngunit naalala ko ang bagay na binigay ni Cidran sa amin noon. Most camp lords would have never given us a chance to become a true Valyrian warrior but Cidran gave a half-breed and two bastards the right to join the Rite."

"What's the Rite?"

Tumingin siya sa akin. "So many questions today." He chuckled. "The Rite is when warriors go into those mountains." He pointed to the mountains behind us. "Walang sandata, walang pagkain, walang damit maliban sa suot namin. Lahat ng mga Valyrian na lalaki ay papasok sa gubat na iyan para maging isang kilalang mandirigma. A few hundred Valyrians head into the mountain at the start of the week—hindi lahat nakakalabas."

"Pinapatay niyo ang isa't-isa?"

"They try to. For food, clothes, vengeance maybe, or glory. Hinayaan kami ni Cidran na sumali sa Rite pero sinigurado niyang magkahiwalay kaming tatlo nina Bryen at Azrael. He let us join but he didn't want us to get out."

"Anong nangyari?"

"Nahanap namin ang isa't-isa. And then we killed our way out of the mountains. Turns out, a good number of Valyrian men have been conspiring to eliminate the three of us. They thought they could outsmart us. Later they discovered they were wrong." A brutal statement. Napatingin ako sa kanya. And for a moment, I could see it: blood-splattered, savage, fighting, and slaughtering to get to his friends, to protect and save them. The Vicious, The Savage, The Unyielding. The words floated in my head once again. Just like that night when I saw him having his nightmares.

Tumingin siya sa akin. "Let's start our training, then."

But I didn't feel like training so I asked, "When—when did you meet Maxim?" I didn't really know the whole story but from the bits of information I got, I can tell that Maxim and Raven were quite close before. 

I knew what Raven's father had done to Maxim's mother. About how he'd killed Maxim's mother. Hindi ko masyadong inisip iyon ngunit matapos ang mga nangyayari sa gaming dalawa ni Raven, I need to know.

Raven's face was a mask of patience. Then he said, "Show me something impressive you've learned during your training, and I will tell you. Training for answers."

"I know this kind of game."

He smirked.

I sighed. "Very well." With fast hands, I wield the Valyrian dagger that Brye had given me. I swiftly brandished it in his direction, the dagger making a sharp sound on the wind. As if t could cut the wind itself. Raven dodged and was about to attack my wrist when I twisted my body and elbowed his back. He staggered forward.

Raven smiled in amusement ngunit agad din itong nawala. "Maxim is younger than me by a few years. We got to know each other during various court functions. He..." Raven clenched his jaw. "He seemed decent for a High Lord's son. Better than most of the son's of the High Lord of the Northeast Court. But Maxim's brothers were equally as bad. Kung gaano kabait si Maxim, ganoon rin kasama ang kapatid niyang lalaki. At alam ng mga kapatid niya na si Maxim ang pipiliin ng ama nila para maging susunod na High Lord. I saw what Maxim went through under his brother. I am a half-breed Valyrian and I had to prove myself and defend my power. Nakita kong halos magkapareho kami ng pinagdadaanan kaya naman nilapitan ko siya. I befriended him. Sought him whenever I was able to get away from the war camps of the court. Baka naaawa lang ako sa kanya noon but I taught him some Valyrian techniques."

Brothers? Ang alam ko ay dalawa lang silag magkapatid. But he has brothers?  Why has nobody from that house told me about it? Rosalind, Tyrell--they didn't tell me about it. Were they warned by Maxim to keep the truth from me?

Tila nakita naman ni Raven ang kalituhan sa mga mata ko. "He didn't tell you he had three brothers?" 

I shook my head. "Ang alam ko lang ay ang kapatid niyang si Vern na naging kasintahan ni Meredith noon. He was exiled." 

He nodded. "Vern was eldest. But Maxim had two other brothers who are as wicked as Vern." 

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I remember Rosalind told me that Vern was excited as he was plotting the death of Maxim.

I looked at him. "Did anyone know that you befriended him?"

Tumaas ang kilay bago niya ipinosisyon ang sarili para sa training and then gave a pointed look at my hand.

I scowled at him. I played the dagger in my fingers before I attacked. He managed to hold my wrist and twist it dahilan para mabitiwan ko ang punyal. He twisted my arm and I yelped in pain as he held it tight. His mouth on my ears.

He whispered, "Try harder."

I gritted my teeth and with every strength, I tipped my head back at natamaan ang mukha niya. Nabitiwan niya ang kamay ko at napaatras siya. He was holding his face. Ngunit agad naman siyang nakarecover.

"Bryen and Azrael knew," Raven went on. "My family knew. And they didn't like it." His eye turned cold. "Maxim's father was threatened by it. Threatened by me. He was weaker than both me and Maxim, so he wanted to prove to the world that he wasn't. One day, my mother and my sister were to travel to the camp to see me. I was supposed to meet them halfway, but I was busy training the new unit and decided to stay."

My stomach turned cold dahil hindi ko kayang pakinggan ang susunod na sasabihin niya. I wished I had something to lean on as I felt my knees getting weak.

"Maxim's father and his brothers set out into the Valyrian wilderness. They knew my mother and sister would be there because I told Maxim. And Maxim told his father that I had plans to see them. But I wasn't there. His father and brother slaughtered my mother and sister anyway. Maxim was there too."

I began shaking my head. Emry's Marconi? He looked gentle. He looked kind. And he slaughtered Raven's family? My eyes were burning as I looked at Raven.

"It should have been me," he said, and I understood. Dahil ganoon din ang naramdaman ko noon nang ibaon ko ang kutsilyo sa isang inosenteng tao matalo lang si Meredith. It should have been me.

"They put my mother and sister's heads in boxes and sent them down the river—to the nearest camp. Maxim's father placed their violet eyes in a jar and kept them as his trophies. I'm surprised you didn't see them displayed in the study."

My knees buckled. My gut threatening to be hurled out. I was going to fall to my knees and weep. But Raven only looked at me and the dagger on the ground and said, "What else?"

Perhaps it was the cold, perhaps it was his story, that I didn't realize I was running in his direction as I held the dagger tightly. I brandished it as hard as I can ngunit nasangga ni Raven ang kamay ko. I used my knee ngunit nasangga lang din niya iyon. I stepped back and turned to give him a kick on the side of his head but he just effortlessly stopped it. I used that as leverage to lift myself. I placed my other feet on his other shoulder and closed my legs together dahilan para maipit siya doon. Then with all my might, I twisted my legs and we both fell to the ground.

I removed my legs from him and he got up. We sat on the grass as he continued, "When I heard, my father also heard about the news. So he went to the South Court at once that night. I went with him. I did not hesitate to slaughter his brothers. It was easy. Annoyingly easy. Because I had planned to make them suffer before I take their lives. But they were weak and it was too easy for me. I was once so tempted to go to that island where their eldest brother was exiled but I figured he wasn't part of it. So I stayed in the manor and killed his other two brothers without mercy. At nang makarating ako sa kwarto ng ama ni Maxim, he was already dead. My father had killed Maxim's mother as well."

"You killed Maxim's father? Then who...? And you said before that Maxim's mother had asked for her death."

"Emry's Marconi is not his real father. Kapatid siya ng ama ni Maxim. And as for Maxim's mother, she had asked my father to kill her. She asked my father to spare Maxim's life and take hers instead. My father was furious and he did not hesitate. Maxim blames me anyway and I don't see the need to correct him. After killing Maxim's mother, my father went to Maxim's room."

I shut my eyes. I couldn't stop shaking my head. I can't believe I am just hearing this now.

I couldn't breathe. Then Raven said, "Sinubukan ko siyang pigilan. Hindi siya nakinig. Papatayin niya rin sana si Maxim. And I couldn't... after all the deaths, I was done. I am so done with it. I didn't care that Maxim was there. I didn't care when he told his father and brothers about my mother and sister being there. I didn't care when he let his family slaughter my mother and sister. I didn't care that he was willing to kill me too had I been there with my family dahil ayaw hindi niya kayang kalabanin ang ama at mga kapatid niya. I was done with death. Kaya pinigilan ko ang ama ko sa harapan ng pinto ng kwarto ni Maxim. Sinubukan niya akong paalisin sa harap niya ngunit biglang bumukas ang pinto sa likuran ko. Maxim opened the door and saw us. Saw the blood coating our hands and making a mess in the hallway. I didn't get to say a word and Maxim killed my father in one blow. We looked into each other as we were both suddenly crowned High Lord the same night. And then I ran."

And that's when I knew that Rosalind's story had not been the truth. 

Maxim had murdered Raven's family. Ang lalaking minahal ko noon—pinatay niya ang pamilya ni Raven na walang ginawa kundi ang ituring siya bilang kaibigan. Naalala ko pa noong sinabi niyang pinatay ng kalaban niya ang kanyang ina. That Raven had done it—

"He didn't tell you any of that."

"I—I'm sorry," I breathed, my voice hoarse. Everyone in that house had lied to me.

"Why? What do you have to be sorry for?"

"Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko alam na nagawa niya iyon—"

And Raven thought that I had been comparing him against Maxim. Against the man who killed his whole family.

The people he'd love most—gone. Slaughtered in cold blood. Slaughtered by Maxim. Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko. Maxim didn't tell me all of it. He didn't tell me his family was the one who started it. Napatingin ako kay Raven.

No wonder he'd made Maxim beg that day when I was introduced to him formally. No wonder he uses every chance to taunt Maxim. At hindi ko mapigilang isipin na baka kinuha ako ni Raven para lang makaganti kay Maxim. But I shook my head.

No. He didn't take me here to get revenge on Maxim. Although, I have no doubt that Raven enjoyed interrupting that day when I was almost married to Maxim. Saved me from that wedding, actually.

"Delta," he called but my hands were still gripping the dagger harder than I should.

Maxim was kind. The one who showed kindness to me that made me fall for him. He was one of the few that showed me kindness and my weak self had fallen for it. I had fallen for the man who showed me what I wanted to see. Who told me what I wanted to hear. But after I almost lost my life to save him, everything changed. I wasn't the weak girl who needed saving anymore. My past self had been broken, replaced.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I rasped.

I looked at him, in his Valyrian gear, weapons strapped on his waist. And then I saw the words. The perfect words that would describe him. He looks terrifying, vengeance and wrath incarnate. But if you understand the words deeper, the poem would show how beautiful he is, how selfless, how broken.

"Dahil ayokong isipin mo na nilalason ko ang utak mo para talikuran mo siya," sabi niya.

The poem--I could already form the words inside my head. I want to write him.

I walked closer to him and he just looked at me. I didn't hesitate to place my hand on the cold skin of his cheeks and caress it gently. And looking up into his face I said, "I want to write you."

He leaned into my hand and placed his hand on mine as he said, "I would like it if you write about me being naked."

He grinned and I couldn't help but smile. A smile so broad and without restraint.

* * *