Call Me By My Name

Ch.6

Royale

After dropping me off at the villa, I asked Legend to stay with me. I wasn’t expecting much, just wanted to pass a mini hump of getting to know him. Wanted to see where his head was at. I had so many questions that I knew I couldn’t just go straight into asking. I was hoping that maybe I could get just enough out of him to see if I could really go ahead and bring up the topic of Atlas.

We had multiple drinks and small talk, nothing personal. Just talk about the petty things neither one of us actually cares about. Every now and then, we’d ask each other questions about our favorites. His favorite color was blue and yellow,music was R&B and Soul like his mother; subject was technology and math, show was Games of Throne,book was The Art of War, Anime was Tokyo Ghoul and movie was Natural Born Killers.

Hearing his favorites had my therapist mind doing all sorts of flips. Many matched the outward side of him, but it was the inwardly that had me peaked. Yet, nothing I gathered and analyzed so far could help my judgment on bringing up Atlas. I’ve met serial killers and hard-core criminals that were great fathers, but that was because they wanted to be or at least a part of them wanted to be.

Not wanting to overstep and push more than I should, I steadily listened to what he was willing to share. Eventually, the liquor started catching up with us. We decided to share a shower and talked a little bit more before he fell asleep. Watching his sleeping figure lying next to me, was like those short nights five years ago.

Nothing has changed about him. Unlike me, who picked up a few pounds and gained some maturity in my appearance, he still looked like a cool but troubled late twenty-year-old. What hadn’t changed was the hardness that occupied his face even as she slept. I hope he has lessened his demons since we saw each other, but with how hard his jaw was clinging in his sleep and the fact that he was still dealing with Dario, I doubt it.

Hearing my phone vibrate, I slid off the bed a little to retrieve it. I saw it was Carla's number and knew it had to be Atlas. I silenced the call before throwing on my robe and making my way out of the room. I barely made it out of the room before another call came through.

“Yes, Atlas.”

“You didn’t call me back.” My son’s soft yet annoyed voice came through the phone.

“Sorry, I was busy but why are you still up?” I asked as I made my way out of the villa and into the garden.

“You promised me you’d call and I haven’t heard from you.”

“Baby, I’m sorry I didn’t call but you knew I was going to be busy.”

“A promise is a promise, mom.”

“You’re right. So, tell me about your day. How was the tech class?”

I took a seat on the metal bench where I could see the ins and outs of my villa and listened to Atlas ramble on about his day. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that he’s only turning five in a few months. The boy had the vocabulary of a teenager if not an adult, an interest in anything technological which I’m guessing he got from his father, and the tolerance of a senior citizen. I missed him and couldn’t wait to get back to him.

Once he was done giving me the rundown on his day, he made me promise I’d call him in the morning before hanging up. I sat outside for a few thinking. I know that we would be more than okay with Atlas never meeting or knowing anything about his father. I also knew that in time the situation would make a liar out of me and become a mental hiccup for my son.

To say that trying to properly think this whole situation through wasn’t fxcking me up was an understatement. I didn’t know where to begin and was doubtful of where I'd end up. After what felt like an hour of processing with no results, I decided to attempt to go to sleep and pick up the overthinking when I woke up.

Legend was still strenuously sleeping when I made it to bed. I sent a silent prayer that he would sleep throughout the night and that our nightly encounters from five years ago would not resurface. Unfortunately, he woke up a little after two in the morning punching the air and screaming.

I made the mistake of jumping awake, causing him to go into full attack mode. His hands wrapped around my neck as he straddled me. I fought to breathe but I didn’t fight him. I called out to him, telling him I needed him to come back to me. This time is a lot more extreme than five years ago. At some point, I was gasping as I told him that I needed him to come back for the sake of our son.

The ordeal couldn’t have lasted more than five minutes, but it felt like a lifetime. Just as my windpipe was on the verge of being crushed and I started seeing stars from lack of oxygen, he slowly released my neck. Even in my delirious state, I knew he wasn’t fully with me. While gasping for air with tear-stained eyes, I could see his glazed eyes studying me.

As he ripped off the robe and his mouth started to harshly claim every inch of me, I knew this wasn’t the real him. At least it wasn’t the him that I got to see and be around after his night terrors. He was still fighting his demons in that borderline state. I let him use me until he could find his way back. Well, that was before he spoke.

“You’re calling me as if you know me by a name that’s not truly mine and claiming a child that can’t be mine. Why must you hoxs always try to claim me, always try to tame me? Do you think you’re the first to claim a baby by me?

Just another great pretender. No matter, neither you nor this so-called kid can’t be mine. I can’t be claimed. I already belong to another, but I’ll let you continue pretending just for tonight. Just once, I’ll give you the honor of pretending that you’re her, my Mel.”

____

“Mama, when are you coming back?”

“In a few days, baby.” Probably tomorrow, but I'm not going to tell him that, knowing he was going to pester me until he knew I was for certain. Hell, I wasn't certain.

“That’s long.”

“I’ll be home before you know it.” I was trying to coax my annoyed son to no avail. This is the longest I’ve been away from him, and he wasn’t taking it all that well. The boy truly acts like he owns me. That’s why I’ve already decided to cut my vacation short. I’m not all that happy, but there’s not much I wouldn’t do for mine. However, right now I’m not sure I can give him all he is asking for.

Reminding myself where I was and who was around and not trying to go down a rabbit hole, I promised to bring him back whatever he wanted before hanging up the call. Seeing that the parents and the others were still enjoying their brunch, I took a deep breath and got my shxt together.

“Who was that?” shxt, speak of a devil. I turned to find Legend standing behind me. His expression was neutral but the tone and glint in his eyes were far from that. If I could, I would have slapped myself for being too distracted to care for my surroundings properly.

“No one for you to be concerned about.” I turned my head back to watch the others' happy gathering. How the hell did I miss him not being among them?

“Last time, you fxcked me when you had a soon-to-be husband. What is this one this time?” His voice was laced with venom. I couldn’t help but smile. I guess that’s the route we’re taking. I could feel his eyes on me and I’m sure they were nothing good.

“I didn’t fxck you this time. So, it shouldn’t matter.” That was one of my problems; I couldn’t help but poke a bear when I knew damn well, I should be running the hills. Plus, after his drunk and mental dialogue early this morning, there was only so much I could take. I already hit my quota with him and acting like all was peachy.

His silent fury strides towards me as he held my gaze with those deadly blue eyes was more of a turn-on than a fear. At a random and problematic moment, I couldn’t help but admire his gracefulness. In those fitted black slacks and white short sleeve shirt with the two open buttons, it was hard not to stare.

At a time when all my senses should be urging me to run, I found it impossible to because something beyond his looks kept me captivated. It’s the oddest thing. Everything about him screamed danger, but it was alluring beyond words or comprehension. I can’t help but welcome it with open arms.

I could imagine this is what the devil would look like. A man unhinged who easily bends you to his will without even trying. Woman would go to war and cause unfathomable sins for him, and men would bow at his feet. Both from fear and the same admiration I was having now.

“You’re right. It doesn’t.”

His words said one thing, but his actions were saying something else. His jaw was clenched, eyes glazed over, and body tensed. We were in an open space that was at least eighty degrees, yet as he sat beside me, I got the chills. There was this silent threat hovering around him, and I couldn’t understand why I was suddenly feeling it or why he was projecting it.

Unintentionally, I found myself scooting away but his strong arms pulled me back and held me there. It felt like my waist was on fire from where he held it. There was no pain or pleasure, just the need to get as far away as possible. Nothing about this felt right. The fear of him was too sudden and unwarranted but I felt it, nonetheless.

Taking a deep breath, I tried calming myself down. Even as his hold around my waist got painful, I somehow was able to find common ground within myself. I guess decades of practicing made it easy. He was studying me, trying to read me. It wasn’t that hard. I’ve been through a lot but I never quite learned to hide myself.

Once I got my nerves to settle down, the threatening feeling of his disappeared. At least in my mind, it did. He was still squeezing claim to my waist, awaiting whatever answer to his unspoken questions. More than anything else, I found this moment between us to be comical. We barely knew each other and after that grand speech, here he was brooding because he assumed that I was on the phone with a guy.

“Are you upset?” He didn’t respond. The tenseness in his shoulders told me he was. Seeing how he still had that look on his face and was holding on to me with such fierceness, I found myself drawn to testing the waters. More like the tides at this point. I wanted, no I needed to clarify a lot of things after what he said and was willing to push further into this conversation to get a clear understanding to see if my son stood a chance.

Time went by and still no response. Between watching him and keeping an eye out for the others, I eventually said fxck it. Placing a hand on his that was holding me, I removed it and quickly got up. His grand speech was still loud in my mind and this whole interaction was just confusing and downright annoying. I’ll believe it if he doesn’t remember a word that was said during his night terror faze, but I don’t believe that he didn’t mean any of it.

It shouldn’t matter but it did and I won’t lie and say that it was solely for my son’s sake. What he said hit me hard and the deadly silent treatment wasn't helping. Yes, the parents had me engaged when I handed him my vxrginty on a silver platter, but Atlas was his. Even so, not once had I laid claim to him, nor even spoken up about our son until his deranged night terror when he almost killed me. Even then, it was to get him out of that hell hole he was stuck in.

I might be levelheaded and understanding, but I wasn’t a saint. A pretender, I’d never been called until this early morning and, oddly enough, I found myself acting like nothing was said or happened. It's only been a few hours and I was already sick and disgusted with myself for entertaining it. Now, I am basically called a hxe. Good looks and being a spxrm donor weren’t worth all of this.

“Wait, don’t leave.” I heard him calling and running after me, but I needed a moment to gather my thoughts away from him. I kept walking without looking back. I didn’t have to, because before I could reach the double doors to get inside the venue, my eardrums were shot with loud booms and my vision clouded with black smoke. In an instant, I was on my rear before either my body, eyes, or ears could function.