7. Regaining my twin soul
2204 Words
Wendy POV
The heart feels heavy inside my chest, and I don't know how to handle anything anymore. Damien gives me chances repeatedly, but I can't accept them for some reason. I no longer feel worthy of Damien's love and care; the darkness embraces me.
I won’t do this anymore; I can’t do this anymore. My psyche is not powerful enough to forgive Damien, not yet. There are so many things I will never be able to get out of and get over, the dishonesty of my ’parents’ is one of them.
I should cling to what I can, which is my work and the dark life I became embroiled in. Given that everything else is falling down in front of my feet, I still think my priorities are well set. It's hard though to pretend like nothing's wrong.
The kids are confused, and I don't blame them. The situation with Damien and me is more complicated than ever before. It was a bad idea to at all try to pretend that nothing has happened and continue where we rejoiced in the joy we once shared with each other.
The thing is, this isn't Damien's fault, no, it's mine. It is I who have problems within me that temporarily can not handle, and before I have managed to figure out how to do it is an unnecessary risk to be with me when I am anything but stable.
"Mom?" Noah's voice caresses my soul in a way only he can.
I look towards the doorway where my lovely little prince stands and looks at me with eyes that are a mixture of mine and Damiens. His eyes search me, and I wave my hand to indicate that he should come to me, which he also does with a smile.
"How are you, baby?" I ask and lift him in my lap.
"I feel sad," he replies low. "As if someone ate all the ice cream in the whole world."
I have to make an effort not to laugh him in the face. It is noticeable that he is my son, when the official worst that could happen would be if all the ice cream disappeared. My boys have all the charm of them, aren't they amazing, or is it my mom-instincts that think so?
"Then why do you feel sad?" I ask and kiss his cheek lovingly.
“I wish daddy was here with us. You’re much happier when you’re with him, and we like happy mommy more, who doesn’t cry,” he replies, looking soberly at me.
My gaze is studying Noah carefully. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, any kind of insurance that he also knows what's going on in my bedroom at night. So far, I have confirmed that two out of four know how I really feel, do Darby and Fiona know too?
“Noah, honey. Sometimes relationships are difficult and complicated. It’s not always mommies and daddies will agree on things. Sometimes one can hurt the other, and it doesn’t have to be on purpose, but it hurts anyway,” I honestly answer and look at my nice boy.
“But why can’t it be simple?” he asks and looks at me with his big eyes.
Well, Noah, why can things never be simple? It's a question I asked myself more times than I've changed my underwear in my life. This is not a conversation I can have and make him understand because he is a child. At the same time, I want to make him understand, but for this to happen, I have to tell him everything.
I can't do that. What would it look like if Noah comes to school and tells him that his parents are the leaders of two mobs? You can see for yourself why this is not an opportunity, even if I wish it were. I don't particularly appreciate having to lie to any of my kids, but sometimes it's needed.
“Do you remember a few months ago when you asked me why Elvira in your class doesn’t have as much money as we do? It’s because life is neither fair nor simple. That you will learn as you get older, “I respond, smiling. “But until you grow up, I will protect you with everything I have and love you until my last breath.”
He smiles at me and seems happy with my answer. I did my best to explain, but on the other hand, I cannot say that we live in a dark and selfish world where the strongest survive while the weaker ones are wiped out. Such life events he must learn on his own as an adult.
No matter how much I want to protect my children, I cannot protect them from reality. They will be shaped into their own strong individuals, make their own choices, and learn life lessons the hard way that everyone else has to make an example is heartbreak.
"Go play for a while, baby. Mom has an urgent call to make, " I say, smiling, and he speeds away out of the room.
It's time I grab my problems and my insecurities; the first step is to talk to Adrien. He has been my best friend for many years, and I will not be able to live my life without him by my side. I was never really mad at him; I understand that now. I dial the number and wait.
"Hello?" responds his broken voice.
"Hello, Adrien," I answer softly.
He becomes silent, and at first, I think he has hung up, but then I hear his crying on the other side. I patiently wait for him to gather himself, because I know that these are tears of relief, and not of pain. He's been waiting for me.
"I'm so sorry, Wendy," he sobs.
"I know, Ri, I know. What do you think of coming over for a while?" I ask and smile to myself.
"Absolutely! I can be there in ten minutes!" he exclaims happily.
"See you then," I answer and hang up the phone.
I'm still sitting in my office chair, smiling to myself because I know my best friend is on his way to me. Damien may be the love of my life, but he can never replace Adrien's place as my twin soul. I remember in high school that a lot of people thought we were twins, considering we behaved the same way.
The children are obviously thrilled when they hear that Uncle Adrien is coming to visit. With that little carrot, I even get them to go to clean their bomb strikes, also called rooms. I do not understand how they manage to make such a mess in such a short time.
When it knocks on the door, I take a deep breath and move slowly to open. Adrien stands outside, and when our eyes meet, he bursts into tears once again. I open up my arms and smile at my twin soul. He runs them get the ladder, and I catch him with ease.
We stand there together and hold each other as if our lives depended on it, which they in and of themselves do in a way. I can't imagine a life without my partner in crime; we need each other in a way that neither Damien can replace for me nor Jaxon replace for him.
"What about a cup of coffee?" I ask softly after a few minutes, and he nods sobbing in response while wiping his cheeks.
We walk in together, and I go into the kitchen to start the coffee maker that I prepared earlier. He sits down at the kitchen table and carefully studies me as I move from cabinet to cabinet to find the cookies I always keep in stock because I know he likes them.
It doesn't matter that we've barely talked in a year, I love my best friend, and that's never going to change. Love comes and goes, as with Damien, but family always stays. Adrien and I may not be family through blood, but certainly through our bond.
I finally find the cookies and put them on a platter. At the same moment, the coffee maker sounds and indicates that it is ready. Quickly and gradually, I fill our cups. I put out the juice, some cinnamon buns and four glasses on the sink, because I know the kids will want to have sweets too.
"Fiona, Darby, Caleb, and Noah, there's juice for you on the sink!" I shout before I put the cookies and cups on the kitchen table in front of Adrien.
Footsteps stomp away from the bedrooms, and all four of them stumble in. Their eyes are looking around the room as if they are looking for a professional killer who sneaks around the house. I sigh and point towards the sink where everything is prepared; apparently, they didn't listen properly to what I was shouting.
”You're old enough to pour yourself,” I tell them, turning to Adrien. "How are you?”
"It's absolutely amazingly good now, when you finally talk to me," he responds softly and smiles big.
For some reason, I feel almost shy of his words, and I don't know why. It's no secret that Adrien is an excellent flirter not only towards men but also women. He is gay, but loves to flirt with everyone. A master seducer and charming as hell!
"Hey, you! Don't use your superpowers on me!" I laugh and he does the same.
I have always called his abilities superpowers, because I know no one else who can get anyone into bed as quickly as Adrien can. He's not a male w***e or a player even though you might think so; he's just everyone's mother-in-law's dream.
“How have you been?” he asks and looks at me uncertainly.
”It’s been tough for a while, but I’m trying to keep moving forward, “ I answer low and look away.
”I know you guys shared a meeting a few days ago that didn’t go so well, do you want to talk about it?”
”There’s not much to talk about,” I say with a sigh. “I ruined it, as usual, with my dark thoughts.”
“What really happened?”
I tell him in detail what has been said and how we had behaved with each other the day before. He listens carefully and comments only a little occasionally. Suddenly he wraps his thumb over my cheek, and at first, I do not understand why. Not until it gets wet again, and I realize I'm crying.
” It’s never easy for the two of you, is it?” he says with pity and looks at me sadly.
“Obviously not,” I sob and give an embarrassing half-laugh.
“What’s stopping you?”
Yeah, what's actually stopping me? Everything? Nothing? It is difficult to answer a question to which I myself do not know the answer. My feelings flood me and suffocate me slowly until I drown repeatedly, that's not even possible to explain.
“I don’t know. I feel like I don’t deserve it. As soon as I start to be happy and have what I want, it’s as if my brain decides that I don’t deserve it. I can’t let go of everything as simple as he wants me to be able to do. He is wounded and rightly so! I am very well aware that I made him feel bad, and I even take full responsibility for it. The main problem is that he seems to want to pretend that nothing happened and return to what once was. I can’t, because nothing is as it once was. Besides, I have a big thing that I hide from him.” I say, looking shamefully down my lap.
“What?”
I lean forward to him and whisper in his ear. His eyes widen, and he looks at me like I just told him I'm responsible for the h*******t. I do not fold under his gaze but instead wait for the reaction I know I will get…
"Have you lost your goddamned mind, woman?!" he exclaims exhorted.
There's the reaction I've been waiting for! If I hadn't been his best friend, I might have had a bang. Now I just have to explain everything in a way to make him understand why I have to do all of this, even though I don't want to…
A/N:
Hello everyone!
Wendy has finally taken the first step towards a clearer and more peaceful mind. She's going to need Adrien if she's going to make it. What did all of you think about this chapter? I'm curious to hear your thoughts!
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