6. Work it out
2060 Words
Wendy POV I wake up with Damien beside me, softly snoring into my neck. Yesterday feels like a dream; something neither one of us thought would happen. I've been a b***h towards him for so long, and I seriously don't know how to stop!
Not even once have I stopped to listen to his side of the story and try to see things from his perspective; that makes me feel shame. This man has done everything in his power to help me from the beginning, and I've repaid him by being selfish.
I've been holding on for this anger for so long that I can't let it go. The betrayal is deep inside me, and I guess it's a side effect of all the people who mistreated me in my life. Pain, betrayal, lies; this is all I know! I've become a person I despise, but somehow, I can't do anything about it right now.
Even though I show others that I'm strong, inside I'm breaking down every single night. My mental illness has become worse over this last year, and most nights I'm lying in my bed in pure agony with tears pouring out of my tired eyes.
In the end, the only things I have left to hold onto is my anger and pride. Without it, I'm going to drown, and I don't have time to breakdown again. I will solve this somehow, because our children deserve to have their parents together. But above all, Damien and I deserve to be happy for once.
"Good morning, beautiful. What are you thinking about?" Damien asks with his eyes still closed.
I stop my train of thought and realize that my fingers are playing with his soft curls. He opens his beautiful royal blue eyes and look straight at me, I'm feeling slightly embarrassed that I was touching him while he slept. But he just smiles at me.
"You don't have to stop," he chuckles.
I smile and continue to massage his scalp delicately. He looks at me puzzled, waiting for me to answer his question. I want to answer, but at the same time, I don't want to scare him with the ghost house, aka my mind.
"I was just thinking about how easy all of these problems could have been out of the way if we were honest with each other," I answer absentmindedly.
Damien looks at me anxiously and carefully studies my face. I can't tell you about my dark thoughts yet, because I can't trust him yet. He has lied to me several times, and it is I who have been left with the pain every time. I'm just not ready.
There are so many things I want to tell him. I want to tell you about how his laughter makes my stomach flutter, about how his smile can make a gray day the best of the whole year, about how his lips embrace me in the most amazing way and about how his love gives me the strength to keep moving forward.
All those things I want to tell him but can't because I'm scared. Yes, you read correctly; I admit that I'm afraid. Because the moment I say these things right out when he can hear, then I put myself in a vulnerable situation if he doesn't feel the same way.
I'm not afraid to fall in love; I'm afraid to be the only one who falls in love. There is so much that I can lose if I get into this headlong without thinking beforehand. My kids need me, and it's for them I'm stable. But if Damien breaks my heart one more time then I'm not sure if I can survive.
"Honey, you're thinking too much. Do not think about such dark things that can ruin the little imagination we built up inside this room we are in. for once in your life, let go of your control. I know you're a strong and independent woman, it's something I admire incredibly. But sometimes you need to relax, it will be all right, " he says softly, kissing me on the forehead.
"It's easy for you to say! Every time I relaxed and released the control, something terrible has happened shortly thereafter. I can't let go of everything, even though I want to, and it scares me. How am I supposed to give our children the best when I can't even control how I think for myself?" I wonder and sigh soundly.
"Wendy, look at me, please," he says and I do as he requests. "You're the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. Without you, I would never have experienced how true love really feels, and without you, I would never have had four wonderful children who compliment my days. The five of you have given my life meaning, and I am forever grateful."
We look at each other in silence, afraid of what will happen if we break the silence. I do not know who moved first, but our lips meet, and for a moment it's easy to forget our complicated story. We kiss each other in a way that can only be described as desperate.
Our missing of each other sneaks upon us as a predator prepares to attack its prey. Suddenly the thoughts of loneliness and betrayal creep into me, and then completely spoil the mood. Damien notices it and interrupts the kiss. I rise and put my clothes on. My mind is blank when I move towards the door.
"There's a lot of things I never told you, but I think it's time now," he suddenly says and I stop with my hand on the door handle. "I have tried to find the words that I searched for in the fog, I feel how time is running out but I try to catch up. Usually, do without the light but need a streak, even though it's something I may never have said and told you; so have you always had your special place in my heart. Thought our thing died a long time ago but so be it now, I was hoping we were going to a new place to settle. You're so f*****g fine, dying just to see you and I feel like I'm heaven when you let me give you. I love it when we go to bed and you jump close; I'm thinking 'hope we have something and that it will carry'. Since the first time I saw you, you've been my dream girl, and even though we went our separate ways, I've never forgotten you. I've only been hiding from what I've always wanted; always knew never wanted to want a future to share with you. I feel like we have something and I know you feel it too, just keep yourself close here with me. You are my rainbow, my beautiful rainbow; which I never reach. No matter how many steps I take, I'll never get there. If you could just stand still, I had a chance. Want to wake up with you every morning fall asleep with you every night, you have caught my heart but never put it in any cell. I think of you all the time have all the time wanted to become the only man for you; make the dream come true and live in it. I would do anything for you, I've never felt this way for anyone else before like I do for you. For you, everything is a mess, for me, everything is so clear and just wants to have a life with you and look both forward and backward. Want to know everything about you, hear your whole story, tell me about days both dark and fun. Want to be the one that is there for you when it falters, the one that you turn to when life does not click. I want to keep you warm in the winter, blow you cool in the summer, kiss your lips and hold on until you fall asleep. My beautiful rainbow I try to catch up and find my treasure before it becomes night. My heart beats an extra beat every time you text. Just feeling that you care about me beats most of it, but the feeling when I have you in my arms it's the best. Want you as my last never have someone next, because it feels so f*****g good with you. If I'm going to travel through life, I want to have you, I love to see you laugh you're so nice when you smile. There is nothing I would rather than you and I become something more so just give me a chance and I promise to give you everything. 'Standing beside you through everything and being with you everywhere, wanting to take the path you take wanting to go the way you go', all I think is there on the couch when I hold your thigh. My heart beats flips and goes in 120 just by touching you, love to just look at you how good you are at and bring you. I'm here for you when I never forget you can't let go of the idea of us and the dream coming true."
"I don't know how to start, but I miss you like hell. Miss that time, when you lay here in my arms, miss your laugh, miss your smile. Sometimes you can be a pain in the ass, but I love your behavior. Vodka and drugs cannot help, you are in my thoughts and you are in my heart. I'm trying to behave, trying to change. You know you were my everything, but everything has changed. I know I'm f****d up and I know I'm weird. Many times I've thought that I would sacrifice my life, to see you for a second. But when one is broken, then the thoughts fly around. Most often I sit there alone, on the bench in the fog. I think about us and I cry for hours. I miss your warmth, miss your lips. I want to shoot myself in the head because I f****d my chance. Now I wake up at night, see shadows in the ceiling, and do not dare to fall asleep. I have to be awake because love is a drug and I end up completely hurt. That's why I have stopped counting time, I count my tears. You were my everything you were my best friend, and now it's cold without you. You will always be in my heart. I just want to wake up and feel your smell, but everything has crumbled; everything that we built up. I want to touch your hair, hear your voice, feel your head resting on my chest; but my heart is broken and tears are running. The thoughts go around ’it's probably best if I disappear’. You said I was your princess, you said I was your angel, but still, I lie alone and freeze in bed at night. All of this took me so hard, I see you in some other, baby wherever I go, and I know it was hard. I felt completely alone in the world, became suicidal. 'Now it's enough, I just want to take the easy path’ I thought more than once. Because I didn't get it, nothing at all. I'm deep down and I feel the lump in my throat every day,” I respond with tears running down for my feels, yet again I've ruined something good, I really shouldn't be here.
I run out of the apartment with my breaking heart, because at the same time we kissed, I remembered the unavoidable, our marriages. He's marrying someone and so am I. This was just a fantasy, a fantasy that never can become reality...
A/N:
Hi everyone!
This was a heavy chapter, I know. But a lot of my readers have asked me to write an emotional one where they speak their feelings, so... Here you are!
Tell me what you think!
Lots of love<3
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