I'm a coward.
917 Words
They keep on saying through every advice that I should love myself first so that people would love me too. That I shouldn't give the hundred percent me when I fall in love. That I should remain even a little part for myself because if I give my all to someone, nothing will be left for me but pain and depression. But how would I know that I'm not really giving my all to the one that I love? How would I know that I'm not loving myself enough to remain something when he suddenly left me? Confusion suddenly hit me and I seem so lost. I'm so eager to know the answer to my questions because it leave me too many confusing fallacies in my head and it just keeps getting harder.
I closed my eyes and feel that beating thing inside me. I put my palm right on my chest and I felt how my heart suddenly interacts with my pulse. It was so damn fast yet seems so slow. It wasn't normal. I walked towards the mirror and saw my own reflection in it. The person whom I've been looking at since then. The only person whom I've witnessed every bit of transformation since the young stage until now that I'm already an adult. Suddenly, my mouth whispered, "Do I really love myself?". I touched my cheek, blinked my eyes, caressed my hair and pinched my body. I'm physically fit. I've grown up. I'm perfectly okay. I never let myself starve, I drink a lot of water everyday, I go to sleep on the right time and I have enough knowledge about everything. I'm not into a***e of drugs and alcoholic drinks and I never attempted suicide. When I fell in love, I certainly give everything that I can just to make him feel how much l love him. But when things are getting worse, I would take the initiative to stay away and let go so that I would have enough time to bring back every broken piece of me in a way that I would never feel that I am already nothing. When I'm in love, I give my hundred percent love to that someone because I am sure enough that there would always be another hundred percent love for myself. It is because, I believe that the love that we have for ourselves is completely different for the love that we give to others. It's just that we are a bit confused whenever another relationship ends and we felt like we have given everything to them, leaving nothing for ourselves. But the fact that you keep going on through your life and caring for it since then, it's a big proof that you're loving yourself more than they ever know.
Whenever I feel like the whole world had turned its back on me, when everything seems to start falling apart, and whenever I f*****g mess up on everything, I'll drive all the way to the city, contact my ever supportive friends and have a blast inside a party club. Just for a night, I wanna forget all the hatred, misfortunes and mistakes that I have done in my life. Just for a night, I want to drown myself with alcohols than to keep struggling from the flood of pain that life gave me. Just for a night, I wanna forget about everything, about the heartaches, about family problems, and about my imperfections. Just for a night, I don't wanna be me.
Hand me those whiskeys and vodkas and beers. Drag me to the dance floor and let's go crazy all night. The music is deafening but that's just how I love it. I don't wanna hear my heart breaking again and again. I don't wanna hear how people judge me to someone who's really not me. These hard drinks make me feel really numb. And I'm enjoying this feeling. It takes all the pain and heartaches away. I can't feel how my tears fall down into my cheeks as I dance. I can't feel how people stepped down on me over and over again. All I can feel is this swollen kind of skin. Everything is plain numb. Go on, dance with me. Let's go partyin' all night long until we all get tired and all. Get wild with me. Feel my resentment in this world. And don't you ever make me stop.
I'm a coward. I know that. You don't have to keep telling me that because I know that completely. I want to escape this life by just being drunk and all. I am too coward. I am too weak. And it's because of all the judgments and trials that each one of you had given me. All I want is a break. Freedom. Nothing was left from me and I want to bring my old self back. I know this won't help but just let me. You know nothing about me but my name and how I act when I'm drunk. But you don't know my whole story and the way I think when I'm in my room, sitting alone and crying. Alcohol, music and party with wild friends are the only things that can make me laugh. Because in just one night, it wasn't me. It was the freedom within me.
So come on. Let's toast for this night and we'll go partyin' until we go wild and crazy. Cheers! let's go get wild and drunk.
?MahikaNiAyana
- Writer
