A Promise to Live Again

Chapter 1: Love and Deception

July 06, 2018

“You're not an actor in a television drama, so stop acting up in front of me, Eugene. Do not make a fuss out of it!” I see his eyes rolling like a Ferris wheel with gestures way too insulting.

“Why? Aren't you guilty of scamming your own flesh and blood? Is that why, you would rather let me die than to accept and love me as your own biological brother?” I tried to keep my cool as I throw some questions on him, which I needed to calm down instead of hearing just an answer from him.

“Of course, I love you as my brother. Why are you even asking that kind of question?” His eyes does not tell the truth and I really hate it. I hate it especially when he is lying! He's full of sarcasm.

“Don't make a fool out of me. I was already stupid enough from your deception, older brother. Everything that comes out from your mouth were all lies! You have been lying with me for a long time, and you’re not even ashamed? Your eyes and gestures speaks the real truth. The real you. YOU'RE LYING! WHEN YOU SAID THAT YOU LOVE ME, THEN WHY CAN'T I FEEL IT? TELL ME? WHY?!” Anger came gushing out from my very soul which triggered me to vent out my frustrations at him. He paused for awhile then answered me in painstaking way.

“Then, fine! Do you really want to know the truth, huh? You are not my real brother! We are not your biological family!” He yelled as he continued to glared at me, like he's about to punch me in my face.

“What have I done to deserve this, older brother? Why are you doing this to me? WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME?!” I walk towards him and grabbed his collar. We were looking at each other's eyes as if we’re archenemies while my right hand was already clenched into fist. I am controlling myself not to throw a fit on his face. I don't know how long can I control it.

This pains me so much that I even forgot that it's not good for my heart to get mad. But what’s harder is the fact that I need to keep controlling how I feel while avoiding his eyes or even ignore his hurtful words. Damn, I badly want to throw a punch on his deadly glare.

“WHAT? You want to punch my face? GO! COME ON! GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT! PUNCH ME, NOW!” My fist is about to strike on his cheek, but I am hesitant to do it. I am not a bad person. So, I loosen my grip on his collar and backed out.

I just turned around and started walking away from him. But then again, his last words hit me like a dagger pierced unto my heart, leaving me a different level of pain.

“Screw you! You f*****g crazy hearing impaired lavish person. I hope I won't see your face again! I just used you to pay all of my debts. And now that I am fully paid because of you, I don't need you anymore! I don't even love you! You are not my real brother and you will never see the person you are looking for because she is dead for more than ten years! You are a piece of s**t!”

I did not look back. If earlier, I was able to control my emotion and did not even shed a tear, now I could not take it anymore. Tears came running down my cheeks as I hurriedly walk, finding my way back to my car outside. Then, in my mind I greeted him.

“Happy Birthday, older brother.”

I managed to get inside the car and drove away. But in the middle of the road, along Tagaytay Road, I stopped the car and punched the steering wheel repeatedly. I shouted at the top of my lungs. I let it out everything that's causing me this pain.

“Why? God! Why is this happening to me? I did everything to make them happy. Why do I need to feel this pain? Do I really deserve to be mocked? Am I not good enough? Were my efforts to help them not even good enough for them to love me back?”

The first time I met them, I was very happy. I cannot even describe the amount of happiness I felt back then. They were struggling to find money to pay for their debts: their monthly rents, to buy for their basic needs, and even medicine for him and his family. I was like a blessing in disguise for them. That's how I was able to see the sincerity through his eyes for taking care of me. It was the first time I actually felt happy. That someone was finally asking how I have been doing.

“How's work, my brother?”

“Are you tired? You can sleep for a while then I will wake you up after I prepare your breakfast.”

“I love you.”

Those words have sent strong connections to my brain which made my heart flutter. I thought I could never feel that kind of happiness in my life. It felt like I was on a cloud nine. And it was also the first time I have received the kind of love from an older sibling. Those comforts and warmth I felt lasted for about five years. Then, I found out that they were just faking it. I was a fool, a total i***t.

The day I stopped helping them was when I have to pay all their debts together with the loans I acquired from different loaned sharks and loan institutions. That’s the day which I noticed that they changed. My older brother didn’t care for me anymore. I can't give him all the things he wanted. I ceased giving him monthly allowance. And stop seeing him in his rented apartment in Quezon City.

He pushed me away while I was trying to explain myself and convince him to understand that I can no longer extend my hands to them. I did it a few times while trying to persuade him to consider my situation, that I also have a life to work on, that my mind and body needed some rest to continue with my career, paying for the remaining and existing debts I owed because of them.

But he never listened. He scolded me so many times without basis. I just kept quiet. I did not argue with him. I did everything to control my anger, to fight back and release my predicaments. I would always choose to walk away, avoiding to be his nemesis.