A Promise to Live Again

Letter date: July 7, 2023 Dear Body, I wanted to THANK YOU, for being with me for the last three decades and nine years of my existence in this world. Thirty-seven and a half years of my life to be exact and I spent those years alone without a biological mother. It was a rollercoaster ride from the start, but you managed to face it. YOU FACED EVERYTHING—such as your fear—without hesitation. You DESERVED to be praise FOR being a man of determination. You know my pain and my wounds, my woes and rejections. You listened to; my pleas and cries, to my agony and frustrations, to my gains and losses, and to my loneliness and LONGING to my real mother. You were there when I fought in between darkness and light. Thank you for being a strong person. I should pat you at the back for such a job well done. You did everything to continue with your life. You scolded me several times. You yelled at me in my mind. You even stopped me FROM committing suicides countless of times. And that is why, I wanted to say thank you, because you CHOSE to stay by my side and STOOD beside me to keep my feet unmovable ON the ground. You are thoughtful enough to let me feel how worthy I am as a human being. When my mother left me when I was two and a half years old, I was like a delicate creation of God who KNEW nothing about life. What I only knew back then was to play and did not even understand why I must live with my biological father without her. I have lived with him for the past 25 years, and I know that you knew back then how broke and miserable I was. I have to obey my father's rules. I must respect his decision to love someone else and marry another woman. I was not even a part of his lifelong plan. And I hated it. I even have to endure the heavy hands of my stepmother. In her eyes, I was a PIECE of trash and only her servant. You knew it all. You knew all the sufferings I went through dealing them. From the lashes of broomsticks made of bamboo to my feet, TO the thickness body of rectangular wood to my butt, from the whip of A long black belt to my hands, down to my ears BEING PINCHED and in between my thighs, to tying my body AGAINST the wall of the house, slapping my face and my stomach BEING PUNCHED, you saw it all. You witnessed the blood spilling FROM my mouth RUNNING DOWN my lips, BRUISES AND WOUNDS in my hands EVEN MY feet, and the worst of all, YOU SAW ME being unconscious after receiving all of that beating from them. Laughable, right? Or shall we say, an unforgettable childhood and teenager memories of mine to remember. During the night, while everyone was peacefully sleeping, you cried bitterly, hiding all those pain you HAVE felt. UNDER the bed cover, you let your tears FLOW down silently FLOODING your pillow AS IF IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN COMFORT YOU WHILE MAKING SURE NO ONE WOULD hear it. It was too painful, EVEN TOO unbearable to see, and YOU WERE speechless for me. And the most painful words you whispered and I heard from you was, you were hoping that your mother was there protecting and comforting you. Behind those smiles you portrayed; you HID your loneliness, you HAVE KEPT your affliction for years, you carried your burden alone, and you even REFUSED TO HAVE your revenge in yourself. You just let your tears speak of what was happening WITH you. You WERE ABLE TO hide your unstable emotions in your smile. Do you regret it? I bet, you never regretted it. You are one of a kind when dealing these KIND OF THINGS. How did you do it? It was because of your mother. You made your lost mother an inspiration of yours to conquer those challenges and became brave enough to fight for it. You grew up as a strong, determined, and well-educated person. You deserve a hug, my dear body. I am so proud of you. But... your body can never go on like this forever. I know how exhausted you are. I know how tired you are. And I think, its about time. Now, is the right time for me to end your melancholy. I have done my best to keep your mind and body healthy. Its time for you to take SOME rest. I am so sorry for leaving you. I don't know what else to do. I have no reason to stay in this world anymore. The only person and the reason why I WAS ABLE TO MOVE forward IS already dead. The person I longed to see when I was young has been dead for more than 10 years. And I was not even with her WHILE SHE’S trying to catch her last breath, calling my name. I was not even allowed to see her grave. What do you think I should feel about it? How can I go on? How can I smile if I am hurting a lot because of her? It hurts my heart so much. I am in pain and my heart is in peril. And the only way to stop this agony of my heart is to die right away. I have to leave your body, so you can be free from all of these; anxiety, depression, loneliness, undeniable and unjust treatment, feeling unworthy, being unloved by the person closest to your beating heart, and mourning for the lost of my one and only precious mother. I don't want to hurt you anymore with all of these tortured miseries in your body. The sooner, the better, you will be free! Saying goodbye, Your Soul ... After writing all of these to myself in a sheets of paper, I folded it and put it in a black envelop, leaving it in the center table of my condo unit. In the four corners of my wall, I smiled. I stared at the open window. I gently close my eyes and heave a sigh of farewell in my mind. Then, from the twentieth floor of the building where I live, I started to run, jumped out of the window and fly freely with arms wide open, closing my eyes and let the gravity pull my body into the ground.