Sinful Desires

5 Fragile

Heather's Point Of View

Do you know what sucks at loving someone? That is feeling the excitement whenever you see them. Your heart is racing like crazy as if you are going to have a heart attack. That you became fragile whenever you see them and makes you want to forgive them as soon as you see them again. You want to fall in their arms even though you know that they did something that you didn't like. Those things are what I am feeling right now. I hate myself for being fragile whenever he is close to me when I told myself that I won't let any man make me like this.

My father also cheated on my mother countless times and she would always forgive him. They would act as if nothing happened, continuing their daily lives after the betrayal but what happened would always be on my mind. I won't forget the days that I see my mom crying herself to sleep. I can hear her silent cries that she is trying to hide from me but her every sob breaks me. She was so broken but she would always forgive him as if nothing happened. She would still love him the same and accept him even though there are times that he won't go home to us for a month. Her reason was always that he was a good father and husband for letting a roof underneath our heads even though I know that she was the one who was paying the bills and doing everything just for us to have something to eat whenever my ‘good' father is having another affair.

Ethan knows all about this and promised that he wouldn't do the same mistake that my father did. I was afraid to love him at first but I put myself at risk by loving him. We even got married because he made me feel that not all men are going to cheat which I know. After all, I saw how my uncle loves my aunt, my mother's sister. Our married life was happy and full of life. Every day I feel like I am in a dream or fantasy. He made me feel like I am his queen who he would love, protect, take care and shower with gifts. My fear of him doing the same choice that my father did. I won't call it a mistake because cheating is a choice and mistakes aren't meant to be done over and over again. Mistakes would be your lesson not to do it again especially when you have hurt someone that you love. In his case, my father didn't. It became his disease that made my mother suffer.

“Heather, I am asking where have you been?" Ethan asked once again.

Hearing his voice makes it even harder to resist. Now, I am wondering why did I come home when I could stay at my mother's house. I am not ready to forgive him yet but at the same time, I am afraid that if we don't talk about these things then our relationship would end up in the trash. This confuses me but doesn't know where to ask for advice because I don't trust my mom about these things. She can't even handle her relationship before.

“Why are you interested?" I said coldly before going up the stairs.

I can feel that he is following me but I chose to ignore him. Our room was in front of the staircase but I chose the guest room that is too far from our room. I don't want to sleep in our room for now because I still feel disgusted with him. He was cheating on me with my best friend. I know that they have known each other for a long time but if they like each other why would Ethan go through a lot of trouble just to make me risk everything and marry me? They should have let me be at peace.

“What do you want, Ethan?" I said annoyed because he followed me to the guest room.

His eyes never left mine while he walked toward me. I got lost in his icy blue eyes which I hate about me because he cheated on me but here I am. Ethan sat on the bed beside me and holds my hand. I tried taking it from him but he just took it again, locking it with his fingers.

“Baby, why did you walk out on us?" He said as if he was confused.

I look at him with confusion. Is he really going to deny everything that I have seen? I saw everything with my two eyes so he can't deny everything anymore. He is already caught in the act and I am amazed at how he is going to make me stupid when I saw him already. The nerve of him denying everything.

“Don't ever call me baby, Ethan as if there is no problem. I caught you and Margot fvcking each other's brains out in your office." I said with anger in my voice. “I am not stupid so don't ever deny it because I saw it with my own eyes. You cheated on me, Ethan even though you promised that you are not going to."

He tilted his head as if he is still confused about what I am saying which makes me even more annoyed. I tried pulling my hand from him but he didn't let go of it. He held me like he is afraid that I would walk out on him again but as long as he is holding me, it felt like I am going to break every moment now. I can feel that I am going to forgive him as if nothing happens but it's against my belief. I believe that if a man chose to cheat on you even when you gave him everything like good s3x, support, love, loyalty, and respect then he is not the right man because he is not contented especially when you have trust issues but chose to risk it just to be with him.

“But I didn't, Heather. Margit and I were just talking. We even let the door open because I am not comfortable being with her in the same room, alone." He explained that looks sincere.

What he said made me doubt myself. There is a dark secret that I haven't told him about myself. I notice it before we even got married, the time that I was still eighteen. This is something that I hide because I already had some medicine to take to avoid everything but it seems like I forgot to drink it on the night of our anniversary because I was so busy preparing. I remember taking one but I am not sure because I was so occupied and excited for Ethan to come home.

“Let's see about that," I said to him before lying down and turning around so he won't see me confused about everything.

Some people would still argue but in my case, I am not sure if what I saw was real. If proved that everything that I saw was not real then I will admit my condition to Ethan because he deserves it. Margot won't go to the office tomorrow if she ever did something to me because I know her. She would be afraid to face me because she knows what I am going to do with her. They should go hide in their holes if I find out that what I saw was real.

The next day, I told Ethan that I am going to the office with him. I didn't tell him that I would only go there to see if Margot went to work. He is driving quietly and we are both not talking to each other because I am still mad at him but there is something in me that wants to open up a conversation like I used to do. Maybe he can feel me so he didn't bother to open up a topic also.

We reached the office quietly. Everyone greeted us both and I greeted them with a smile on my face. This time I took some pills so I would know everything. When we reached the floor where his office at, I saw Margot talking with her officemates with a huge smile on her face.

“Good morning, Heather." She greeted me with a smile on her face, kissing my cheeks.