Collateral Damage |+18|

9. You have all the control here, Defne. [Part 1]

You have all the control here, Defne.

Defne.

I seriously don't understand how I let myself be convinced to do this.

As the waitress leaves with our drink order, I meet Levi's eyes across the table. Slowly, I watch as the corners of his lips lift until he's breaking into a creepy smile. He looks like the cat that ate the canary, but a more morbid version of it.

I roll my eyes.

"Begin..."

"You're so nosy," I tell him.

"Defne, we have to strengthen our ties" is Kacey who speaks, sitting next to me. "And what better way to do it than to count our sorrows?"

"I'll start," Levi says. "Last year, a girl kicked me in the balls at my birthday party in front of all my family and friends."

Kacey laughs and turns to tell me with a funny look on her face, "I was there, it was the most hilarious."

"I understand her" I whisper. "The girl, I mean. You have a great ability to arouse the desire to hit any part of your body."

"How violent."

"And why did she hit you?"

"I had f****d her and I didn't remember her name."

Wow, I'm not surprised.

"And how did she show up at your birthday party?"

"My mother invited her" and for the first time I see shame on his face.

"I don't understand."

"Here" Kass jumps into the seat next to Levi and puts her arm around his shoulders. "Our man, he still lives with his parents."

If I was drinking something, I would have spit it out.

"What?"

"In my defense" Levi holds up a finger, demanding our attention when we won't stop laughing. "My apartment is above my parents', with its own entrance, so it's not so literal either."

"Why do you still live with your parents?" I ask. "How old are you?"

He shows me three fingers, so I assume it's thirty.

"I live with my parents because I save on food" he says smiling. "My mother has the best seasoning of all and I'm not giving it up, thank you."

"You're such a baby" Kass teasingly tells his, pinching his cheeks.

"Back on topic, my mother saw the girl leaving my apartment the day before, thought she was my girlfriend and not a casual f**k, so she invited her to the surprise party my whole family was throwing. The rest you can assume."

In fact, I laugh, unable to believe that this big man who struts around like a peacock, still lives with his mother and has skirt problems worthy of a teenager.

"Your turn, Kass."

"Oh, no" she whispers. "I'll pass."

"Your turn, Kass," Levi and I repeat simultaneously.

The waitress returns with our drinks, giving Kacey more time to run away from her confession. I sip on my pineapple margarita as I watch with delight as Kass blushes, looking reluctant to confess. This all feels sweet like revenge, since they practically dragged my feet here. So I take this as a little payback for forcing me to talk about my love life.

"I had to resign from the company where I worked before because..."

"Because...?"

"Because I found my boss f*****g my mother!" She explodes, drawing the attention of nearby tables.

Levi bursts into laughter, Kacey slides in her seat to hide further and I stare at her dumbfounded.

"What?"

"He's my stepfather now. I didn't see fit to continue working for him, so I quit and here I am."

Something heavy drops into my stomach, souring my drink.

I wonder what Kacey would think about my relationship with Matt. While well, we're not explicitly in a relationship, I think the intentions are clear. And I'm embarrassed, for the first time, about what others might think of me if it all starts to spiral out of control.

Levi seems to read my mind and hits Kacey with his elbow, gently pointing at me. She seems to understand, because her face falls and she rushes out to say: "Oh no, Defne. Matheo and you..."

I close my eyes, realizing that she already knows.

"Is it so obvious?"

"When you're around, he can't take his eyes off you. And in the last month he's been to the design department more times than he has in the last two years. It's obvious, Defne. There are already rumors about you two fucking."

"Christ, Levi, tact," Kacey tells him in a stern voice.

"No, it's okay," I calm them down. "It's just... I don't know what's going on with me and him. I think I... I like him."

"We know, honey."

"And when I'm around him all I seem to care about is him. I completely forget all the reasons why I shouldn't..." I'm not able to finish, the knot in my stomach gets tighter.

"You know you're the one who has everything to lose if a relationship arises between you, right?"

"Levi..."

"I'm sorry, Defne, but it's the society we live in. And while he'll still be the boss, you'll be branded as an opportunist. And if things go wrong..." Levi denies with a fatalistic expression, making it clear what he means.

"My career is at stake" I agree.

But the f****d up thing is that things will go wrong. I know that. Because I'm here for a reason and when he finds out, he's going to hate me. He's going to hate me like he's probably never hated anyone. So the leap I'm making for him will take me straight into the void. And I'm jumping it in spite of it, because my eyes are open and I know what's in store for me when it's all over. But I just can't find the strength in me to walk away from him. I can't.

And I'm sure he wouldn't let me step back at this point either.

As if my thoughts have summoned him, my phone vibrates with a message from him.

Matheo: What are you doing?

I look up at the guys, who just by looking at me seem to know who I'm talking to.

I hurry my fingers and reply.

Defne: I went out with Kacey and Levi.

Matheo: Place.

I give him the name of the bar and immediately I get his reply.

Matheo: I'm on my way.

I jump in my chair and immediately turn towards the entrance, thinking he's already going to show up there. When I gave him the name of the place, I thought he was just asking me out of curiosity, not because he was going to show up here.

"He's coming, isn't he?" Levi guesses.

I nod, feeling shivers run through my body in anticipation.

"I've never seen Matheo Slade so consumed by anyone, Defne," Kass tells me, "I always thought of him as almost emotionless, like a robot. Then you came along and I see him feeling everything. It's fascinating to watch."

"You're a romantic, Kass, but you don't see the trouble Defne is getting into" Levi looks at me. "When things go wrong, which they will because it's the fate of all relationships, you're going to be the one who gets hurt the most. Him? He'll still be on the throne of his empire, making millions of dollars a day. You? You'll be left with your reputation on the floor, a probably ruined career and a broken heart."

"Don't be a pessimist."

"I'm a realist, Kacey, and you should be on my side. We should be protecting her, not encouraging her to walk into the lion's den."

I gulp and swirl my drink, thinking about his words.

I could tell Matt the truth. I could approach him, ask to speak alone and explain the impossible position my father has put me in. I could tell him how he has kept me for years threatened to do his bidding, how he uses against me the only card he has in his favor, which is my mother. And she is the only person I could blindly give my life for and my father knows it.

I could do all that, but what I don't know is how Matt would react to my words.

Would he believe me?

If I confessed everything, would I be clearing the bumps in our paths to have a beginning without deception?

Or would I be digging my own grave if at the end of it all, he decides to hate me?

Because he is so straight, such a perfectionist, so right in everything he does. He accepts no gray areas, only black or white. So I don't know if I can afford to trust him. While he's been flexible with me, I can't put my mother's life on the line expecting a reaction from him that I don't know if he's going to get.

“There he is," says Kass, gesturing with a nod of her head towards the door.

Over my shoulder, I watch him enter along with Sebastian and, to my surprise, Scarlett comes with them. In the distance, I see him looking around until his eyes find me, but I look away, returning to my drink.

Goosebumps rise on the back of my neck and I know he's still looking at me, but I try to ignore him.

If there are already rumors in the company, the last thing I need is for Sebastian - who in addition to being his partner, is his best friend and my superior-, to see us interacting together in a bar.

"He's looking this way" Kass waves her hand, as does Levi, and I still can't look at him.

"He wants to come over, but Scarlett is pointing to a table across the room" this time it's Levi talking.

"And... he keeps looking at you" Kacey continues.

After long seconds, Levi says, "He went to sit with Scarlett, honey."

Despite the scratch of jealousy I feel inside me, I sigh with relief. Because I have so many emotions running high, I don't feel ready to face him right now. I feel a deep guilt because somehow I'm cheating on him. Even though I have been so careful to give information that is of no risk to him, I am in his company with ulterior motives. And today that weight, with all of my father's manipulations, is affecting me more than ever.

"Tell us about your ex" Levi suddenly says.

It's funny how that event in my life sounds like nothing compared to what I'm feeling now.

And I take the distraction, because I need to take my mind off all the evil I'm causing.

"Xander, my ex, was gay. He had me as a cover so his parents wouldn't know" I whisper, my voice sounds flat, almost emotionless and I know Kass and Levi aren't too interested in my confession either, they're just trying to distract me.

"How did you know?"

"The guy he was cheating on me with told me. He showed me conversations of his, pictures" I sip from my drink, thinking about the past. "Looking back, I think it was too obvious. But I was too blind to see it."

"Did you love him?"

"Yes" I agree. "I cared about him and I loved him. I wasn't in love, but I could see myself going down that road."

"Why do you say that looking back it was obvious?" Levi asks.

"Do I have to tell you about our s*x life for you to understand what I mean?"

"Did you have s*x?"

"He wanted to wait until marriage, which at first I thought was sweet, but...." I slowly shake my head.

"That doesn't usually happen."

"I should have been suspicious from that moment on."

"I'm sorry, Defne," Kacey says, holding my hand.

"I was very foolish. I was consumed by... a lot of things that were going on in my life at the time."

"s****l attraction and s*x life are important in a relationship, and if there wasn't that between you, why did you stay with him?"

"It wasn't like we were saints," I admit quietly. "We did... things. But there was never..."

"Penetration?"

I nod, thinking about how many times when we were intimate he wouldn't even look at me. Now I understand how much effort it would take for him and that he probably imagined I was someone else so he could end it all.

Unable to help myself, I look over my shoulder. Matt has his arm resting on the table while Scarlett and Sebastian are turned in his direction, talking to him. He nods vaguely at their words, but despite the darkness of the place, I know his eyes are on me. I can feel his gaze burning into my skin at all times.

"What?" I ask when in the background I hear Levi calling my name.

"Are you a virgin, my dear Defne?"

"Levi!" Kacey scolds him like a mother scolds her child.

"I won't answer that, weirdo" I tell him, shaking my head.

Against my better judgment, I stand up and move towards the bathroom, aware that Matheo will take it as an invitation. Indeed, after fixing my hair in front of the mirror, I come out, to find him leaning against the wall, waiting for me.