Chapter 7.
2323 Words
"What the f**k are you talking about?!" The intensity of shock that I was feeling is tearing me up inside. Hindi ako makagalaw dahil sa narinig kong sinabi ni Razael.
Kitang kita sa gwapong mukha ni Razael na parang nakahinga sya ng maluwag pero nandoon ang lungkot sa mga mata nya. Ilang segundo syang tumitig sa akin at hindi nagsalita. I just stood there waiting for him to explain. Is it just a lie for me to stop talking? Did he just want my attention?
I need to freaking know!
"Five years ago, I was attending a meeting in La Salette. You're one of the students who were there to present together with other students and professors para sa funding ng outreach program ng Student Council. I am the representative of our bank. You look so confident and enthusiastic while presenting. You made us laugh with your joke, you answered every question well and I felt like something inside me unexplainable. I suddenly can't keep my eyes off of you. Nakatitig na lang ako sa'yo. You are so passionate and very pretty.."
Napalabi ako. Bigla ay para akong dinala sa nakaraan. I was taken back to the meeting room in the university five years ago. While the other officers are very nervous with their presentation, I am actually excited. Isa ako sa mga nangunguna na matuloy ang outreach program para sa Sefton Village Children's Home at Bahay ng Pag-asa.
I remember being distracted with a pair of dark eyes intently looking at me while presenting. But I did not let it ruin my presentation. Nang matapos na ako ay bumalik ako sa pwesto ko and saw the gorgeous man who owns the distracting eyes.
It was Razael all along.
Iba ang itsura nya noon. He already looked gorgeous, alright. Pero may kahabaan ang buhok nya at iba sya namamit noon. And I remember looking forward at seeing him again because I find him really good looking kahit na bihira lang sya umimik.
It was just a stupid crush. But after two more meetings with the sponsors, I was so focused on my studies at ang paglipat sa Manila that trivial things like crushes and relationships did not bother me that much.
Napalunok ako.
"That was you.."
"You remember me.." Para syang nabuhayan ng loob.
I brushed my hair using my fingers. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. Kinilabutan ako sa mga nangyayari. Tiningnan ko si Razael na patuloy lang ang pagtingin sa akin.
"I do.." Mahinang sagot ko.
"I was already twenty four that time. I feel so disgusted at myself for having this feeling on a freaking minor. You don't know how hard I had to stop myself for even talking to you. It was crazy. I don't even know you but it felt different. I've been with other women way before I saw you and you just had to smile and my heart just can't function well." Sunod sunod na sabi nya.
"You're lying.." Ang tanging nasabi ko. Hindi ko alam kung gusto ko bang maging totoo o hindi ang sinasabi ni Razael pero ramdam ko sa dibdib ko na hindi sya nagsisinungaling.
It just felt too much. Five years? What happened in that five years that we came into this? Gusto kong manghinayang not meeting him personally that time. Ano kaya ang nangyari kung nagkausap man lang kami noon? Gustong ko biglang sumabog. My feelings for him that I have been suppressing because it's immoral and wrong wanted to burst inside me.
Umiling iling sya. "No. Look into my eyes, Agnes. You know I am not lying." Matigas na sabi nya.
Umihip ang malamig na hangin at lalo akong kinilabutan. We were at the backyard of our house. May mga mag-iikot na guard na pagkatapos ng ilang minuto pero may kung anong ayaw magpa alis sa akin sa kinatatayuan ko.
"Agnes.. Please."
"Kung totoo man 'yan, it still doesn't matter. You're married." Tinatagan ko ang loob ko kahit na pakiramdam ko ay madudurog na ako sa panghihinayang.
"I don't love her. Ikaw ang-"
"Stop it!" Mabilis na putol ko sa sasabihin nya. I put my hands into my ears in the hope that I can't hear if ever he still continued.
Mabilis syang nakalapit sa akin. He pulled my hands covering my ears and pulled me closer to him. Agad kong naramdaman ang init na bumalit sa akin nang malapalit na ako sa kanya.
"I love you." Masuyong sabi nya at nanuot ang kakaibang kilabot sa katawan ko.
Gusto kong maiyak nang marinig ko ang sinabi nya. Imbes na matuwa ako ay para akong sinasaksak dahil kasunod noon ay ang isipin na hindi kami pwede. Kahit anong gawin ko o sabihin nya ay hindi na pwede. He's married and I don't want to be a home wrecker. It's just so wrong.
"Agnes, I love you."
Tinulak ko sya para makawala ako sa pagkakahawak nya. "I don't." Matigas na sabi ko.
I saw him clenched his jaw kasabay ng bumalatay na sakit sa mga mata nya.
"You made a vow when you married Sheila." Unang salita ko pa lang ay parang naninikip na ang dibdib ko. "You're married. Naiintindihan mo ba, Razael? May asawa ka na! Let's stop this nonsense, gusto ko nang magpahinga." Naiiyak na ako kaya gusto ko nang umalis.
But he caught my hand, mabilis nya ang nahila ay nayakap. Hindi ako agad nakapag react dahil sa bilis but when his warmth envelope me in, hindi na ako naka kilos. Oh how I wish I can always be in his arms.
"I'll leave her. I'll do whatever you want. f**k I can even give up my position if you tell me to run away with you right now." Humigpit ang yakap nya sa akin.
"You're crazy!" Ang tanging nasabi ko.
He kissed me in my temple and I closed my eyes.
Noon ko napagtanto kung gaano ako kahina. Every touch, every word he says, hanggang salita lang ako nakakatanggi. Pero kapag nandyan na sya, kahit umuukilkil sa isip ko na mali, bumibigay pa rin ako.
Maybe it was just an infatuation.
Maybe it's already love.
No matter what it is, kung gaano ako ka firm sa desisyon ko na iwasan sya ay hindi ko na magawa ngayon. I would be lying if I tell myself that his confession didn't matter. Because it does. It really does. Lalo akong natutunaw.
"Why did you marry Sheila?" Mahinang tanong ko.
Unti unti nyang linuwagan ang pagkaka yakap sa akin. He put his hands into my shoulders. Naglagay sya ng isang dangkal na pagitan sa amin at tiningnan nya ako ng seryoso.
"Political." Matipid na sagot nya.
"You married her for their influence?" Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.
He sighed. "Unfortunately, yes. My father and her father talked about it."
Hindi ako makapagsalita. Bumalik sa isip ko ang sinabi ni Matt na nabigla nga rin daw ito sa biglaang pagpapakasal nila Sheila at Razael. I don't know Razael and Sheila that much before so it wasn't really my business.
"In that five years, hindi mo man lang ba binalak na kausapin ako? Na kaibiganin ako? Where were you all that time?" Hindi ko maiwasan magtanong. Puno pa rin ako ng agam agam pero nanaig ang kagustuhan kong mas malaman pa ang lahat.
It is fascinating knowing that the person you're so attracted to actually already loves you. And you don't even have an idea!
"I did, a few times. But it was disheartening. Paano ako magpapakilala sa'yo? Anong sasabihin ko? Do I offer friendship? Napapalibutan ka ng mga college guys, mga kaedad mo, I don't think I'll be relevant. I am old. Damn, sometimes I wish I was born a few years later. Nakikibalita na lang ako sa pinsan ko na sa Ateneo rin nag-aaral. Ilang beses nya na akong ini-encourage na lapitan ka but I just can't do it."
"But you did have girlfriends at that time?"
Umiling iling sya. "None. I swear."
"So, what? Hanggang doon ka na lang ba? What happened after that?" Pigil ang ngiti na sabi ko.
"I waited for you to graduate. I was there at your graduation ceremony." Unti unti ay may sumilay na ngiti sa mga labi nya. "You look so happy." He caressed my hair lovingly.
A realization then hit me. "Oh. Sa'yo galing 'yung mga flowers?" Kunot noo na tanong ko. I received three bouquets of flowers na walang nakalagay kung kanino galing, puro congratulations lang ang nakalagay.
Kahit medyo creepy ay tinanggap ko iyon dahil wala naman akong nakikitang masama or na ikakapahamak ko. And I kinda liked the flowers.
"Yeah."
I sighed. "This is crazy." I still can't take it all in.
"I know. I am sorry. Hindi ko pa sana sasabihin because it might really be overwhelming but I am so scared na tuluyan mo na akong hindi pansinin." He put his left hand in my cheeks and his forefinger caressed my cheeks. "I want to make this right. I know it's f*****g selfish of me to ask you this but if what you feel for me is deep enough.. Can you wait for me?"
Napa awang ang mga labi ko.
"Or say the word and I'll leave everything behind for you." Seryosong seryoso na sabi nya. I got scared all of a sudden on what he said.
Mabilis akong umiling iling. "Raz, no.."
"Tell me what you want, Agnes." He cupped my face and I closed my eyes while feeling his touch.
What he wants won't make what we feel right. Kasal pa rin sya. Hanggang kasal sila ni Sheila ay hindi magiging tama kailanman ang ano mang ginagawa namin. At kung hindi na, paano si Sheila? They married for political reasons but how about Sheila's dignity and name?
Isipin ko pa lang ay alam kong mahirap.
Pero gusto ko makasama si Razael. Gusto ko malaman kung paano ang makasama sya palagi, kung paano gumising na sya ang unang nakikita at paano matutulog na sya ang kasama. I've never felt anything like this for any men before. Sa kanya lang.
"Alright. I'm sorry, you don't have to answer now. I don't want to pressure you. I shared my piece, Agnes. No matter what you want, I'll do it. Kahit pa.. kahit pa sabihin mo na hindi mo kayang mag hintay." Yumuko sya pagkatapos magsalita na para syang nahihirapan.
Huminga ako ng malalim. "I..Let's talk some other time, Raz."
Tumango sya ng ilang ulit ngunit nakayuko pa rin sya.
I bit my lower lip. I feel like being in a loop at the moment. I am tired and confused. Sa kabila ng gulo ng isip ko, isang bagay ang sigurado ako. Raz loves me and I may not know what I feel for Raz yet, but it's deep enough for me to consider what he wants.
"Y-you should go.." Mahinang sabi ko. Luminga ako sa paligid dahil pakiramdam ko ay anytime may guard na makakakita sa amin.
Unti unti nya akong yinakap and this time, I hugged him back before I left and went straight to my room.
"Why do you look so freaking thin? Kumakain ka pa ba?" Salubong ang kilay na pangbungad sa akin ni Kuya Ahren nang maabutan nya akong nagluluto sa kitchen nya. Pritong saging. Kung gaano ako ka artistic sa ibang bagay, ganito ako ka dull sa pagluluto dahil ito lang naman halos ang alam ko.
I even had to put the fire on low dahil takot akong makasunog. Sayang kasi.
Alas tres pa lang ng hapon but I knew he came home early dahil nandito ako. Nginitian ko lang sya at hinalikan sa pisngi bago binalikan ang niluluto ko. Mabilis nyang hinubad ang coat nya at inilagay iyon sa sandalan ng sofa, linuwagan nya na rin ang neck tie nya bago sya sumunod sa akin at tingnan ang niluluto ko.
"Malapit na ba 'yan maluto?"
"Yep."
"Alright. I missed you." Yinakap nya ako at hinalikan sa buhok. "Hindi ako makauwi sa trabaho. But I hope you visit me kahit once a week lang."
I hugged him back. My brothers might look snob pero malambing sila sa akin. "I'll try. Alam mo naman na toxic rin work ko."
"You're so thin! Hindi ba pwedeng kumuha na lang ng ibang assistant si Dad? You should pursue something related to your course." He groaned before he let me go and walked towards his spacious living room. He opened the television before he disappeared and went to his room.
Nag-aayos ng ako ng pagkain nang lumabas sya na naka shorts at t-shirt na lang. Pinagsaluhan namin ang niluto kong pritong saging. Sinabi ko sa kanya na kay Jer ako tutuloy mamaya at hindi naman na sya nagtanong. He just asked kung saan kami magkikita kita ng mga kaibigan ko.
Alas sais pa lang ay handa na ako. Matt wanted na sunduin ako pero hindi ako pumayag. Not that it will be an issue for Kuya Ahren but mas malapit na kasi si Matt at mapapalayo sya kung pupunta pa sya sa condo ni Kuya.
I kissed Kuya Ahren goodbye na mukhang disoriented pa from his nap a while ago. Matt and I met at Century City Mall first. Nag dinner muna kami sa isang Chinese resto before we met our friends at 71 Gramercy.
Umorder na kami kahit wala pa ang iba. When my phone vibrated and saw that Razael is calling, nag excuse ako para sagutin iyon sa banyo.
I already told him about this trip.
"Hi!" Bati ko. I am not alone, but who cares kung sino ang kausap ko?
"Hello." I can almost imagine his sexy smile while on his phone.
"I thought maaga ka matutulog? Where's Sheila?"
I heard him groaned when I mentioned his wife's name. "She's in Bangkok. Ask where I am instead?"
Bigla ay parang kinabahan ako sa huling sinabi nya. Napalunok muna ako.
"W-Where?"
"Same building as you are." I heard the cockiness on his voice as he said that.
- Writer
