BROKEN & SCREWED (BS #1)

Chapter 10-1

10

We woke around nine the next morning. I was the first to wake. I couldn’t stay in bed any longer; too many memories haunted me because of the night before, so I got out of bed. When I came back from showering, I saw that Jesse was dressed. As we bypassed the kitchen, I thought about making coffee, but Jesse touched my arm.

“I’ll make some at my place for you.”

And that was that. We went to get my car, which had been left alone. Thank goodness. And I followed Jesse back to his house. When he drove into the basement parking area, I waited and drove up the driveway to his front door. I waited outside for him to come, but the door opened. His housekeeper, Mary, motioned for me to come in. Her plump cheeks were flushed. Her dimples appeared and I grinned back at her. She squeezed my arm once, but never said anything.

“Jesse?”

She pointed toward the kitchen, so I led the way.

Jesse grinned when he saw both of us. He waved toward the table. “Sit. I’ll make breakfast.”

Mary and I sat at the table as he made breakfast for us both. We had toast, eggs, and bacon. He made the coffee he had promised. Mary got up from the table. She came back with creamer and sugar. I was about to say thank you, but she dumped a bunch in her own coffee and then plopped them back on the table.

Jesse took the seat beside mine with his own plate of food, and the three of us ate in silence. When Mary finished first, she got up, collected all the dirty dishes, and took them back into the kitchen. Jesse tapped my hand, and I followed him to his room. It was then I realized that was a normal routine for the two of them.

It was something I hadn’t expected from him, but then again, my family had been like his most of his life. It made sense that he had sought out that type of comfortable relationship with Mary. She’d been with his family as long as I could remember.

When we got to his room, I curled up on his bed and watched as he started to pack his clothes. And then a different thought came to me. “Why didn’t you say anything when Marissa was calling you all the time?”

The shirt he had grabbed was balled into his fist when he turned to look at me. A flare of guilt flashed in his eyes before it was gone. “Why would I?”

I felt punched in the gut, but then I sighed. Had I really expected anything less? “No, I mean, was she bothering you?”

He shrugged but turned away and disappeared into his closet again. It was a while before he came back out. This time he had a pile of clothes in his arms and he dropped them all on the bed. As he started to fold them, he bit out, “You’re not my girlfriend, Alex. That’s not what this is.”

“I know it’s not.” I said that slowly and casually, but I couldn’t lie to myself. The rejection stung. It stung a whole bunch after the night we’d just shared together.

When he didn’t say anything further, I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest. “I saw you at that movie premiere, you know.”

“No, I don’t.” He grinned, but it fell a second later. “Whatever. I was there for my dad. He’d been harassing me to go to one of his movies, so I figured I’d do it to shut him up.”

“Did it work?”

“No.” He sighed and reached for some more shirts to fold. “He’s pushing my name around with his business. I think he’s hoping I’ll go pro early and get some promotion deals or something.”

“Would you want to do that?” I asked, though I knew he wouldn’t.

Disbelief flared in his eyes. “Are you kidding me?”

I grinned. “Yeah, actually.”

He shook his head. “I hate that business.” He glanced at his watch. “Ass Face is coming home tonight. I’d better get a move on it if I want to avoid him.”

“Why’d you come home this weekend?”

He shrugged and glanced around the room. “I think I have almost everything,” he said as an answer as he headed into the bathroom. He had a little bag in hand when he returned. He placed it in the big one and yawned, scanning the room for a second time.

I swallowed tightly and took a breath. “Are you coming home for Thanksgiving break?”

He shook his head. One of his hands idly scratched at his chest. I knew he was still thinking about if he had everything before he left. He murmured, “Practices already started. We got games during that time. Am I forgetting anything?”

I had so many answers for that question, but I held them all back.

Then he sighed again and found me with his gaze. His eyes narrowed. “Are you going to date that second stringer?”

“Eric Nathan?”

“Yeah.” He frowned. “You going to be manned-up the next time I come to town?”

I shrugged. At this point, I had no idea.

He continued to frown as he stared at me.

“What?”

His eyes narrowed farther. “Are there any other guys I don’t know about?”

I shrugged again. “I don’t think anyone else likes me, if that’s what you’re asking.”

He grunted. Then he sat beside me on the bed. “They like you, Alex. I know a whole bunch of them like you. They more than like you.”

“Did you meet anyone at that movie premiere? I’m sure there are lots of gorgeous actresses and models at events like that.”

He gave me a rueful grin.

“What?”

Then he chuckled. He swung an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. His breath fanned my cheek as he continued to chuckle into my ear. “Are you jealous, Alex?”

I nudged him with my elbow, but I knew my cheeks were aflame.

He hugged me tight again before he pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Are you trying to see if I’m seeing anyone?”

I gestured to the bed. “We’re not exactly just friends, Jesse.”

“Yeah, I know.” His arm dropped from my shoulder and his tone sobered. “Man, I know.” He raked a hand over his head, sighed, and then turned on the bed so he was facing me squarely. One of his legs trapped me closer, and he cupped both sides of my face. “I won’t lie to you. I don’t know what we are, but we’re not exclusive. I can’t handle that. I’ve slept with two girls since I got to school.”

My heart stopped.

“But they were just hook-ups and didn’t mean anything. It was empty s*x—that was it. I don’t want a girlfriend. I can’t do that, and if that’s where you want this to go, we need to stop right now. I can’t lose you in my life, and I won’t risk it because of that. s*x is one thing, but s*x before our friendship is another thing.”

I couldn’t breathe.

His thumb started to rub back and forth. He choked out, “So what do you think?”

About what?

There wasn’t a choice given to me.

I couldn’t look away from him. I swore I wasn’t imagining the flare of pain that flashed in his eyes before it was gone. It was so quick, so fleeting that I could’ve mistaken it for something else. I continued to hold my breath. What do I do? The choice was in my hands. Keep it as it is or drop it.

I whispered, “I can’t stop this.”

He let out a soft sigh.

“I should.” Pain flared in my chest before tightening around my heart. “I think Eric would like to be my boyfriend. He won’t hurt me like you do. You always leave me, Jesse. You blow into my life and then you leave every time. We should stop this. We should stop it right now.”

A haunted look came to him.

My heart skipped a beat. He felt something for me. I knew it. I almost relished in it, but then I deflated once again. It didn’t matter. He said it himself. He didn’t want a girlfriend, and no matter what he felt for me, I knew he wouldn’t allow it. He wouldn’t let it grow into something more. I also wasn’t able to walk away. One day I would. I knew I’d be strong enough to leave the shelter he gave me, but not that day, not at that minute.

I still needed him.

“What do you want, Alex?” It looked like that question cost him. He seemed in pain.

I shook my head. A tear slipped down my cheek. “I can’t.”

His forehead dropped to mine.

My hands lifted to his shoulders, and I hung on. I was helpless at that moment as I confessed, “I can’t stop this, not yet.”

Then his lips caught mine. I surged against him as I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close. Like all the other times, time ceased for us. It was only the two of us and the frenzied need we felt for the other.

Later that night as I got ready for bed and Jesse had gone, my phone beeped a few times. One was from Angie. She wanted to know how I was and if I had heard from Marissa. The next was from Eric. He hoped I had a good weekend and the third was from Jesse. He hoped my mother was okay, and he would come back for Christmas break. My phone beeped a fourth time. It was from him again.

Jesse: Don’t have a boyfriend when I come back.

I thumbed a quick response to Angie, telling her that I hadn’t heard from Marissa. I didn’t tell her about what happened with Cord. That was for Marissa to tell her. My next response was to Eric. I replied that the weekend went fast, and I hoped he had a good one as well. Then my last response was to Jesse.

Me: Okay.

That it was, nothing more. I didn’t feel he needed more than that.

Angie and Eric both responded a few times before I crawled into bed. It wasn’t until I turned the light off and settled underneath my comforter that I got his reply.

Jesse: Good.

In some ways my world was crumbling around me, but that night I went to bed with a smile. I couldn’t stop my smile, and I had a strong sense that Ethan was smiling as well, wherever he was.