Are You My Mate?

Chapter 29

  * I'm not sure of what I was thinking about as I sat there. I don't even know if I was thinking, but I feel like just sitting on the bed, getting lost in my thoughts. (Then again maybe that's not a good idea) If anything I wish I could just stop thinking.

I feel a little uncomfortable undressing in front of her, even though, she was helping me. (My own housekeeper stopped helping me while I was still in elementary, so I'm pretty much a professional now) I just let her do her job 

 It's not like she was staring, but I've only ever changed in front of Maggie and I guess Dean. I hold back tears at the thought of Dean. I couldn't help but wonder what he was doing and how much he must be suffering as she held my hand, to help me step into a large clawfoot tub.  

She lets my hand go after I sit and I close my eyes as I enjoy the feel of the water. I almost feel like holding my nose and going under. (If I cry under water she won't be able to tell) I take a deep breath and blow it out as I look at the wall. 

(Dear Goddess, I hope she doesn't try to bathe me) I think to myself as she adds a liquid to make bubbles in my water. She moves her hands around, so that she can make more. (Helping someone to undress and bathing them is not the same thing) 

I've seen it done in movies but I don't think that I am that bad. (Yet) I would say that real life is not like movies but sometimes it is. I can only hope that I have a happy ending with Dean in the end, at least before we're old with white hair. (Could I wait for him that long?) Of course I could. I'm more than prepared to be alone until he can freely be with me again. 

I'm relieved when she hands me a washcloth and a new bar of soap. "I'll be back in a few minutes to see if you need anything" "If you need anything before then, just press this button" she says as she shows me a pad on the wall with a few buttons, which is probably the most modern thing in this entire room and bathroom. 

It looks as if it belongs to a mountain man. Even the big heavy blanket is made of some kind of animal fur. (How could a wolf kill an animal just for it's fur?) If he hadn't saved me, I would think that he was a selfish jerk. (I would never tell him that, of course)

 I may just be jumping to conclusions and even if it's true, I've never been one to judge. (It could also be that this animal was already dead or a gift)

"I almost forgot your towel," she says as she puts it on the counter, then she walks out to give me time to myself. I guess I blocked her out as she did whatever she was doing on the other side of the bathroom.

I lay back, to try and relax but instead, I immediately started thinking of Dean. (How could I do this to him?) I think to myself as I start crying. I want to link him so bad, but I can't stand to hear the hurt in his voice and I might just run all the way home if he asks me too. (I may be able to get Areta to run half of the trip)

"Areta are you okay?" I ask. She doesn't say anything. Could she be mad at me for leaving our mate? (She never told me not to) Maybe she's angry that we're in another pack. It's not like they're dangerous and I'm sure we can go whenever we want. (I need to talk with Kovik... just to make sure) 

I try again to connect with her but she's either ignoring me or... I don't know. I hold my nose and I go under the water, staying under until I can no longer hold my breath, then I come up for air. 

I don't know why I did it. I haven't done that since I was a kid. I guess I wanted the water to wash away all of my pain and suffering. (But what about Deans suffering?)

"I love only you Dean" I link then I close it before he can say anything. I'm bombarded with thoughts of his smile and then him crying. The way that we cried ourselves to sleep at times. I wish we could have slept together one more night, just holding each other. (Well with him hugging me tightly)

"Do you need anything sweetie?" asks the housekeeper as she peeps her head in the door. "Do you happen to have any wine?" I ask without turning around. "Sure I'll bring you a glass" she says before she closes the door. (Drinking works for Maggie and I'll do anything to stop this pain)

"Here you go sweetie" "I brought you the bottle in case you wanted a little more later" she says as she pushes a cart over next to me. She lays a wooden board down across the tub in front of me. (I guess this will be my table) 

"Thank you so much" I say as she pours me a glass. "You are very welcome, sweetie" in a chipper tone. "I have to say, you are so polite, I don't know how to act" she says as I take a little more than a sip of my glass of wine. 

"I guess I'm used to Kavik and Jeff" "They're a little rough around the edges and they haven't needed me since they were pups" she says with a small smile, as if she's remembering, which causes me to smile as well. 

I gasp as I put the glass of wine down. "His name is Kavik?" I ask slightly panicked. "Yes, why?" "I called him Kovik" I say cringing as I watch her eyes light up. She laughs loud and I cover my face embarrassed.

"I didn't mean to laugh but this is too cute," "Don't worry he'll get over it," "He doesn't hold grudges" she says as she pats my shoulder.  

"Is he here?" She looks at me surprised. "I need to talk with him" "No, he's been gone for hours and I hardly ever ask when he'll be back" "Oh" "I'll tell him that you want to talk to him when he gets back. (I would ask her why she doesn't just link him but that may be rude and she's so nice)

 I wouldn't want her to be angry with me. (I don't need to make new enemies in this pack and I definitely didn't want her turning into Luna Karen number two)

 "You can't drink your problems away sweetie, they'll still be here when you get sober" she says as I gulp down more wine. "It always works for my friend Maggie" "Does she drink often?" "She usually waits until the weekend" "Then she is not healed, sweetie" "When you are healed, you no longer have to drink to forget what you are healed from" 

"You're right" "I just want to do this for tonight" "I promise I won't drink the whole bottle" I say as I wipe away a tear. "I just don't want you to end up with a headache" "Oh yeah" "I've heard that those are terrible, but don't I have to drink lots of wine to get this result"

"It's different for everyone and that one is stronger because it was in his personal stash, so you know it's good" "Won't he be upset?" I ask as I put my glass down. "No don't be silly, it's only wine" I look at the bottle and I'm sure it's the kind that Luna Karen was raving over.

Just knowing that this is a possibility, makes me want to pour the out. "Let's get you out so that you can lay down sweetie" she says as I start crying again. I give her my hand and she helps me to stand, then  she grabs the towel.  

She wraps it around me, but I'm too sad to think about it. I just step out of the bathtub and let her lead me to the bed. "Here, put on this shirt and these shorts, they're a little big but you're only going to rest for a few days" "Unless you want to go out somewhere" I nod as I put them on, then I climb into bed.  

I think I do need to stay in bed to cry for a few days, or maybe a week or two. She rubs my back as I sob until I fall asleep.