The One That Got Away

Chapter Four - "Because she wasn't you,"

Carson’s P.O.V

I stood out in the hallway of Addie’s apartment, wanting badly to walk right back in because she never even locked the door behind me. I wanted to go in, pull her close and kiss her, tell her I still loved her and missed her. I couldn’t though; she won’t even as much as talk to me! I am sure if I tried to kiss her she would punch me one and I wouldn’t blame her. Maybe, I should let her do and see if it makes her feel better. I sighed, running my fingers through my hair and hesitantly walked away from her apartment and out of the building.

I decided I needed to walk home, try to clear my head. I had to find a way to get Addie to talk to me. I can’t deal with being this close to her and not being able to see or speak to her; it hurt too much. I know I have no one else to blame but myself. I hated myself every damn day for leaving her. I was a coward and a damn i***t, all because of what? My b***h of an ex-girlfriend was blackmailing me? I should have just told Addison the truth; we could have got through it. But no, I had to act like a complete coward and walk away from the love of my life.

I have concluded that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone, Karma’s way of getting me back for walking away and hurting Addie. Maybe that is what I deserved, to be alone. Plus, if I can’t have her, I don’t want anyone else. I could never image myself marrying and starting a family with someone else, that isn’t her. You would think after five years things would have got easier right? Nope, the more time apart from Addie, the more it hurt.

I decided to stop for a coffee on the way home, but when I reached in to get my wallet it wasn’t there? Where the hell was it? Then I realised there was only one place it could be, back at Addie’s apartment. I guess that works out for me, that means I get to see her again, but I don’t think she will like that idea much.

I groaned, turning back and headed back to her apartment building. I hope she doesn’t slam the door in my face. I found myself pacing outside her apartment for a good ten minutes before I found the courage to knock. I made sure to lock loudly in case she was in her bedroom.

I soon hear her coming towards the door. She opened it, rolling her eyes when she saw it was me.

“Um, is my wallet here?” I asked, rubbing the back of my neck nervously.

“Yes,” She said with no emotion, turning and walking away, “Are you coming to get it?” She added, annoyed.

I nodded, following in after her. She headed to her bedroom.

“It is on the chair,” She said, not looking at me and climbed back into her bed.

“Thanks, sorry. I won’t bother you again,” I said sadly.

I could sense Addie never wanted me around. I don’t want to be a burden of any sorts to her; I think I have put her through enough. When I said I wouldn’t bother her again, I meant today; I wasn’t going to give up entirely. I was not losing her all over again without trying everything I can to stop that from happening. I turned, heading for the bedroom door.

“Why do you still have that photo in your wallet?” I hear Addie say from behind me.

Has she seen that uh? The truth was, it has never left my wallet; it has been in it for five years.

“It has never left my wallet,” I said, turning around to face her.

I was met with Addie watching me, a look of sadness in her eyes and I swear I saw tears too.

“Why? We haven’t been together for five years, is it not about time you got rid of it?” She said, “I am sure other women don’t want to see that.” She added.

“There hasn’t been other women Addie, not since you,” I said honestly.

“What? Bullshit! You are trying to tell me you have been single for five years?” She said, not seeming to believe a single word I was speaking to her.

“I tried, once, but it never lasted.” I said, “Because she wasn’t you,” I added.

“You lost me a long time ago, Carson. I think it is time you move on because I will never be yours again.” She said, shaking her head.

I felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces when she said that to me. Addie turned away from me, slipping back into her bed and refused to even look at me.

“I will never move on from you, baby girl.” I said, “I have never stopped loving you, and I never will. I am not giving up on you on us.” I added before walking out.

I could feel my own tears brim in my eyes as I left. I was not one for crying, never have been, but that all changed the day I left and lost Addie. I went numb for a while after that. I went into a dark place. I couldn’t make sense of life because she wasn’t part of my life anymore. Again, the only person to blame was me.

Yes, it was only eight months we were together, which isn’t too long compared to some people but it was the best eight months of my life. Addie and I fell in love so quickly, so profoundly. I never believed in the one, in soul mates until Addie, she was both of those for me.

I had no clue where to start trying to fix all of this. All I knew is that I was going to everything I could to get her back, no matter what I had to do. At least I knew where she stayed now, that could be a help. That makes me sound like a stalker, but I don’t mean it that way at all.

I headed to get my coffee finally and headed home. I stayed about twenty minutes away from Addie; I had no clue she was this close to me. I have been back for six months, but last night was the first time I have seen her.

I walked into my apartment, a feeling of loneliness taking over me. I got it every time I walked into my apartment, why? Because it was a loft apartment, the sort of apartment Addie and I talked about getting once she had graduated. We made a lot of plans together, all getting destroyed in a matter of seconds when I chose to leave.

One thing she doesn’t know, though? I was right there watching her graduate, just keeping out of the way. I hated that I wasn’t there with her like I had promised I would be. I also promised her that once she graduated, we would make love for the first time. The relationship we had was so pure and innocent, but it worked for us, no matter how hard it was for us sometimes not to lose control and make love. I was going to be the first and last guy she would make love with, that was the plan. We talked about forever, about getting married and starting a family. And I screwed all that up too, and now there is a chance she will have all that with some other guy if she doesn’t give me a chance. I knew I would never be her first now; I am sure some other man took what was meant to be mine.

Fuck! I can’t believe I did what I did to her. Seriously, what sort of man does that to the person he claims to love most in the entire world? The thought of it sent me into a depressive state. I had to make it stop, had to stop thinking, even for a moment.

I headed to the kitchen, grabbing my bottle of Scotch, not caring it was still early. I needed to numb myself, even for a couple of hours. And tomorrow I am going to come up with a plan to win her back.