I love you, stupid!

Chance

Arkin

“I can’t believe I’m dating a child!”

I groaned in exasperation as I looked at Fico languidly sitting on the couch when he stupidly blinked at me.

“Wait. We’re dating?”

It was my turn to blink at him.

“Seriously?”

I asked after a moment of stunned silence.

“No. Really. That’s why I’m asking...”

The jerk just shrugged.

“I let you fvck me this whole time and you’re asking me that! Are you high!?!”

Fico  sat up and regarded me.

“Just chill alright? I thought you’re just trying it out and as a good friend, I just helped you. But now that I know, then...”

I heaved an annoyed sigh and stood up.

“Then it’s time for us to stop this nonsense!”

I said as I walked towards the door.

“Hey! Hey! Arkin! Come on!”

He raised with me towards the door and held my hand for me to stop.

“Let go.”

I said sternly.

Heart and pride slowly crumbling.

Still in disbelief how I was the only one in love this whole time when I thought otherwise.

“Arkin...”

He called out.

“Just so you know, I hate you!”

I said.

Feeling every pain as I uttered those words.

“So much.”

I blinked to keep my tears away with the memory.

It was a good thing that it’s already dark and we only had little lighting inside the car that it wasn’t that hard to dry my eyes without the guy beside me noticing.

Damn!

All those talks in the restaurant earlier brought everything back.

That, despite the quiet that enveloped us this whole time from there until Fico decided to speak.

“Arkin...”

I heard him called out my name the same time my phone rang.

It was Saddie.

It’s really not much of a choice who to attend to first.

If I were to decide, I really would want to just disappear from Fico right at that moment.

“Saddie.”

I said as I cleared my throat.

“How’s it going? Where are you guys at?”

I could feel Fico looking at me but I looked everywhere except at him.

“It’s okay. We’ll arrive in an hour and a half tops, maybe.”

It’s almost ten pm after all.

“Okay, that’s good to hear. Can you put me on speaker? I want to talk to Fico.”

I hummed my response and extended my phone out towards Fico but I still refused to look at him.

“Saddie...”

Fico must have get the idea already.

“So how are you my best boy?”

Saddie was always so fond of Fico.

I wondered how she’s gonna be if she realized what happened between us.

“Tired.”

I can hear the tiredness in Fico’s voice.

“You’re tired?”

Saddie asked.

“My heart is.”

Fico said blandly and that was when I couldn’t help myself but spared him a glance.

“Ohoooo! Why? What’s up? What’s wrong?”

I looked away the moment Fico looked my way.

“Heartburn, I guess. Too much food for dinner.”

Fico chuckled but I guess I know him enough to know that it wasn’t a genuine laughter.

And I wish I didn’t know that.

Now I couldn’t help thinking about it.

“I have meds when arrived don’t worry. You both be safe okay? I just called to check on you. Arkin, you take care of each other okay?”

Saddie reminded us before she hung up.

I heaved a sigh as I put my phone back inside my pocket and I was about to lean on to my side when I heard Fico called me out again.

“Arkin...”

I shook my head.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

I heard Fico groaned beside me.

“How do you know what I want to talk about?”

“That’s a general answer—to anything you want to talk about. I’m tired.”

Fico sighed before he kept quiet for a while and eventually talk.

“You’re right. We both are. Just rest. We’ll talk some other time.”

I sat up straight and regarded the confident gay guy beside me.

Look at him deciding for us.

“No, Fico. We don’t have anything to talk about.”

I see him checked the road and made sure it was safe to regard me.

“Yes we do. And we should. It’s something we should have done a long time ago.”

I snickered bitterly.

I can’t believe I’m actually hearing him.

“We don’t have anything to talk about. What’s done is done and there’s no use talking about it. So just drop it!”

After all these years and I thought I’m finally okay and he just sashayed right back into my life as if nothing happened!

The nerve of this guy!

“No! I’m sorry Arkin but I just can’t do that. Not anymore. I was stupid once and I don’t want to be stupid again.”

I furrowed my brows at him.

“What are you saying!?!”

As always, this guy is stupidly confusing.

“I’m saying I’m here to make things clear and make them right.”

I looked at him casually keeping his eyes on the road as if he didn’t just say anything and made me weak for him again.

I groaned in frustration.

This trip really is a bad idea!

Instead of commenting, I turned my back at him and leaned on to my side.

“Arkin, come on! Let’s talk.”

He reached out and grabbed my shoulders.

“No!”

I shrugged him off.

“Arkin.”

What the hell is his voice so soft for!?!

He wasn’t like that when he broke my heart and let it be ten years ago...

“You know what, you were right. I’m just trying it out and you were really helpful. But I realized I really didn’t like it so we should stop.”

I told Fico with a straight face holding my tears trying so hard not to let him hear how my heart was still breaking two days after he officially broke my heart.

“Arkin! Arkin! Arkin! Hey, come on! Let’s talk! Listen to me first. Arkin! Hey!”

That was the first and the last time  I saw Fico after he said how everything I thought we had was all him trying to help me out.

He run after me that day, but I didn’t let him get to me.

He went to my apartment and asked for me to let him in and talk for two consecutive days after but I couldn’t afford to let him see me miserable and wrecked so I asked the security to keep him away until he found a way to see me outside as I was putting the trash away about a week after.

“Are you really going without telling him?”

It was the day I was set to return to the city.

It had already been in the plan but it was set aside when I met Fico and we agreed to go to the same university together.

But shvt happened and now, my I had to leave earlier than the planned schedule.

“No need. You can just tell him.”

Saddie still didn’t know what was happening.

“Ugh! What is really going on between you two why won’t you tell me!?!

Her not knowing is all for the best.

“I already told you, nothing is going on. I’m just really in a hurry and I know he’s busy. His dad had something he wants him to do and I know that if he knows I’m going, he’ll stop whatever he’s doing and send me off or even come with me and  he shouldn’t do that or his dad will be mad so, please, Saddie, just help me out with this one, okay?”

I still wasn’t talking to Fico.

And I planned to keep it that way.

He had hurt me enough.

“Okay fine! You sure you want to take the bus? I could ask someone to drive you there.”

I smiled at my best friend.

I need the travel time to think.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll be fine. Thank you.”

Saddie hugged me.

“You take care okay? I’ll miss you.”

I smiled at her.

“I’ll miss you too. But it’s not like you won’t be there in two months. Stop being dramatic.”

She’s scheduled for a college interview soon.

“I know. It’s just that, summer wouldn’t be the same without you.”

My life wouldn’t be the same anymore.

Not after this.

“It’s part of growing up.”

I said, mostly to myself.

“Yeah, but this part sucks.”

It does. Big time!

“Well, some things just suck. It’s the way it is.”

I hope I could make myself believe that so it would hurt less.

“Doesn’t really make it any better.”

No. It doesn’t.

“It will be, don’t worry too much.”

I hugged my best friend again.

This time, tighter.

Hoping she’d hell me out the broken pieces back together again.

“Alright. I promised my parents I’ll be in the city for dinner. I’ll get going now. You take care all right? See you!”

I need to finally say goodbye or I’ll cry and pour my heart out right there and then and my best friend should not carry the burden I should be carrying myself for falling in love with someone who I thought felt the same way but didn’t.

“You sure you don’t want Fico to know?”

I shook my head.

“It’s for the best...”

I heaved a sigh as I got back from my trance.

“Just quit it Fico. Some things are better left off unsaid.”

I tried to convince myself and Fico as well.

But he obviously thought differently.

“Well, I’m sorry, not my things.”

How could he possibly say it so causally after everything that had happen!?!

“Then I guess you better look for someone else who is willing to listen because I’m not.”

I told Fico as I hit ready to turn myself back at him once more when I had to grip on the door had me instead when Fico made a sharp left to the roadside  and abruptly stepped on the break.

“Are you crazy!? What the hell is wrong with you!?!”

I screamed my lungs out at him as I tried to compose my nerves.

“Did I get your attention now!?!”

I groaned in exasperation as I tugged at my hair.

“You really think killing me would get my attention!?!”

I saw Fico sighed and tutted before he unclasped his seatbelt and regarded me.

“I’m sorry if I scared you. I just want you to listen.”

I chuckled.

Is this guy even for real!?!

“That’s your idea of making me listen?”

My voice wasn’t taking the normal octave just yet.

“Look, I know it was stupid. I’m stupid, but I’ve always been that way, you know that. And you accepted it all of it. All of me. But I was stupid. I took it for granted. But I’m ready to change that now if you’d let me.”

I looked at Fico.

What the hell is he saying!?!

I shook his head and massaged my temple.

I was starting to get a headache.

And it was starting to get  so hard to breath so I unclasped my own seat belt and opened my side window.

“Arkin...”

I raised my hand to stop Fico from saying anything more.

I just want to attend my best friend’s wedding peacefully.

I don’t need this.

“Can we just go? Please?”

I asked Fico.

I sure he’ll didn’t know what to say anymore.

Much more what I was feeling.

It was a myriad of different confusing emotions.

“I want you back.”

I blinked at Fico.

Did I just hear him say that!?!

“I’m sorry it took me a decade to finally be brave. But, I want you now Arkin. I want you back.”

Ten years.

A decade of asking myself what I did wrong.

A decade of wondering what went wrong.

A decade of trying to put all those broken pieces back together and failing.

A decade of trying to forget but didn’t.

A decade of all the what if’s and then this!?!

“I’m not yours to get back.”

He nodded.

“I know. But I’m planning to change that.”

I laughed. And chuckled and snorted.

“Am I a joke to you!?! Have you been so bored with your life that you think you can just come back after all these years and decided that you finally want me and then I’d just come running right at you?!?”

This is embarrassing but I couldn’t help all those tears that are already pooling.

“Look, Arkin, I understand that you hate me, you should, but please give me another chance to redeem myself.”

I laughed bitterly as I sniffed and blinked my tears away.

“You really think it’s that easy for me don’t you? Just one sorry and poof! Everything would be alright!?! Is that it!?!”

Fico shook his head.

“It’s not. But I hope you give us a chance.”

I chuckled.

This is just so funny.

A chance?

For what?

“We owe it to ourselves, Arkin. You, to listen, and for me to finally say what I really feel.”