I love you, stupid!

Talk

Arkin

“Fico is just so hot, don’t you think?”

The pineapple chunk I was about to eat froze mid air the moment I heard my best friend’s comment.

We were by the beach under those umbrellas watching everyone enjoying themselves.

Fico, being one of them, playing volleyball with Brigg’s friends—who were the reason Fico and I were sharing a room.

“Saddie, you’re engaged. And literally getting married in five days, and here you are lusting on a guy that is not your husband.”

I said as I went with my pineapple eating spree I could already feel my mouth burning with the amount I was eating.

Not that I disagree with her about Fico.

It’s just that, I didn’t need any more reminder of how doomed I was with our current room set up.

“Oh, come on! Everyone with working eyes can tell how ripped this guy is. Only if he’s not gay I would have really tried my luck with him back in the days.”

I blinked at my best friend.

Did she just really say that!?!

“Chile, my love, I’m just saying. I mean, I love my fiancé but come on! Look at that hot bod!”

Saddie said as she casually sip her pinacolada.

“God, I feel so bad for Briggs.”

I quipped as I continued with my pineapple, trying so hard not to look where Saddie was looking.

“Tsk! Alright, alright! I’ll stop. You don’t really have to be so possessive you know!”

I made a face at my best friend.

“Excuse me!?!”

How could she say that!?!

“You’re excused. And while you’re at it, maybe you can tone down those swooning look you throw at Fico from time to time.”

My best friend winked at me and I had to put my pineapple bowl down and pulled her chair to face me.

“What are you saying!?!”

I gave Saddie the look.

That, what the hell are you up to look and she just smiled at me so sweetly before she shrugged and went on finishing her drink.

“Saddie!”

I glared at her.

I looked around and was thankful that there’s only us in that part of the beach.

“What!?!”

She asked.

Still with that smile full of mischief.

I never told her about Fico and I and at the moment, I have no intention of doing so.

I don’t care if that makes me a bad best friend but I want to sort this out myself first before I drag Saddie into it.

I was still trying to concoct a seamless plan to fight Fico and his stupid antics spot on.

I know that it wouldn’t be easy considering how I walked out on him earlier after he said those remarks about eating him and stuff but I’ll get there.

I’m sure there will come a time when Fico would no longer affect me.

It’s just that the time isn’t now.

But I’m sure I’ll get there eventually.

And maybe then, I’d have the courage to tell my best friend finally.

“Look at that. So cute too!”

Saddie said as she waved at Fico before the latter served the ball.

“You’re husband’s on the other team.”

I couldn’t help but comment.

“Yeah, too bad he’s not with the same team as yours.”

My eyes widened with what Saddie said.

I heard her blew an air out before she rolled her eyes and faced me.

She looked at me seriously.

“Alright. I’m not planning to do this days before my wedding and I understand if you wouldn’t tell me but. Arkin, just what it is that’s going on between you and Fico!?! The s****l tension between you guys  is just too strong I think you’ll need a high performing chainsaw to cut despite you trying to act the opposite way. So what’s up!?!”

I blinked at my best friend.

How did she—?

“Maybe a few months after the class merging. You were needed in PE and I was asked to look for you. I couldn’t find you two no matter how hard I looked everywhere. A shot in the dark and I went to the old comfort room at the back of the gym before I went back to class and saw you two eating each other’s faces off. From then on, I realized how you two are acting very differently from casual friends. That’s why I asked you so many times about Fico when you left for the city without being too obvious since I know you didn’t want to tell me about it yet.”

I was agaped  with my best friend’s revelation. All these time she knew about Fico and I!?!

“Why—why didn’t you say something...?”

She raised her manicured eyebrows and shrugged.

“I figured if you want me to know, you’ll tell me.”

I wet my lips.

I just felt guilt slowly creeping in.

“You didn’t get angry?”

I asked nervously.

Afraid where this talk would go.

But instead, my best friend smiled at me.

“Only if I didn’t know Fico is gay from the very beginning, maybe I would have been. But you two looked so happy together.”

I somehow mirrored Saddie’s smile.

Not that she was right about Fico and I being happy because, if we were, we wouldn’t be here—at least I won’t be.

“I’m sorry.”

Was all I could say.

“What for?”

I looked at Fico still on with his volleyball game before I regarded Saddie.

“For not telling you.”

I should really have told her.

At least about me liking Fico—before.

“It’s your story, Arkin. You don’t have to say sorry for keeping it from people.”

And I’m full on guilt tripping.

Why is Saddie being very kind towards me!?!

“But you’re my best friend.”

She chuckled and nodded.

“That’s what I thought at first. I even thought of getting mad at you. But then I realized, being your best friend doesn’t always have to mean that I need to know everything about you.   Sometimes staying and waiting is just enough.”

I bit on my lower lip when she continued.

“Also, I thought, you’d tell me when you’re ready.”

I heaved a loud sigh.

“But I didn’t.”

She smiled and held my trembling hands.

“But you’re doing it now.”

I looked at her looking at me with that Saddie smile.

The kind that always tells me everything will be alright.

“Look, Arkin, it’s not your responsibility to tell me if you’re not ready, okay? You don’t owe it to me or to anyone. It will always be your decision. And your right. But as your best friend, it’s also my right to tell you if you’re being too obvious and stupid.”

I furrowed my brows at her.

My pooling tears seemed to have back tracked.

“You’ve been avoiding Fico since you arrived so you don’t see how he looks at you, the way he is looking at you right now.”

My brows furrowed yet again.

“How does he look at me?”

I asked as I sneaked a glance at Fico all sweaty and panting why was he even on the beach!?!

“Like you’re the mistake he wants so badly to correct.”

I eyed my best friend.

“It doesn’t really sound so romantic.”

Saddie hummed before she let go of my hands and sat languidly on her beach chair.

“And love’s not supposed to be romantic all the time. Sometimes all it needs is just a little courage to try again.”

I groaned.

“It’s not that easy.”

I complained.

“What happened?”

She asked after some time.

I looked at her looking at the volleyball game before us.

This is not how I envisioned the way I’ll tell Saddie about Fico and I.

To be honest, I haven’t thought about it because I didn’t have any plans of telling her just yet.

But maybe, that’s the thing, I should have never thought of planning how and when to say it, because when it feels right, I would be able to.

No plans or whatever.

I heaved one more deep sigh before I decided that the right time is now.

“Well, let’s just say that, Fico and I were not on the same page of the romance novel I was writing about  us.”

Saddie looked at me.

“Is that why you left?”

I looked at her.

Then at Fico, who was still playing volleyball with the other guests.

And that’s when something finally dawned in on me.

“Actually, for the longest time, I thought he was the reason why I left. But, funnily enough, talking with you right now, I realized, maybe I just really need to leave. To find myself...so I could finally free it.”

Saddie and I looked at each other before she smiled and extended her hand for me to hold.

“You came out during your sophomore year in college.”

I did.

I spent the whole of my summer and freshman year trying not to just like what I did back in the days, but Fico got me so heart broken I no longer had the strength to lie to the people around me and myself.

“And you were just so accepting.”

My family didn’t accept it with open arms initially but they eventually got by.

And that’s all that matters really.

As for Saddie, she really didn’t say anything.

I remember she just hugged me for some time before she asked me to by her coffee and it’s as if she’d always know.

And I guess she did.

“Arkin, there’s nothing about you that is not acceptable. Remember that. We love you. That wouldn’t change.”

I smiled and held on to my best friend’s hand a little tighter than before.

“I love you Saddie!”

She smiled at me.

I smiled back.

I didn’t know why I even found it hard to tell her everything.

I shouldn’t be guilty about not telling Saddie all these time. What I should be guilty about is thinking that she wouldn’t understand.

“I really do.”

And I meant it.

“I know.”

We both chuckled.

And I just know, that would be the last thing I wouldn’t be telling my best friend.

“What I don’t know is, your plan.”

I made a confused face at my best friend once again.

“My plan?”

She nodded before she let go of my hand and sat up before she pointed her puckered lips towards the people playing volleyball.

“My plan for volleyball?”

She chuckled after she rolled her eyes at me.

“I’m talking about Fico, silly!”

I looked to where the man in question was.

He’s already by the bar chugging on a bottle of water.

He’s all wet with sweat from the game but I hate how I find him still alluring.

“What about him? I already told you, it was all in the past. I don’t even see the sense of talking about it when it’s obvious how Fico seemed to not care even a bit about it.”

I tried to sound and feel indifferent and actually be indifferent because I know what was best for me.

“Didn’t it just feel so good to be honest with me just now, Arkin? Why are you still lying to yourself?”

I cleared my throat.

That’s what I thought so too.

But then again, when it comes to staying away from Fico, I intend to do just that.

“I’m not! In contrast, I’m actually being honest. I no longer want to have anything to do with Fico, alright? I’m just in for your wedding. After this, we’ll both go on with each of our lives leaving the past behind as how it’s supposed to be. As how it should be. What you saw back then, what happened, it was all a mistake. Something that should never had happened. It was just teenage stupidity. We’re big boys now.”

Saddie grumbled and made a face at me.

“You know what, try a little harder. Maybe if you’d put on some more effort, you’ll sound more believable. For now, as long as I see you looking at Fico the way you do every time I catch you looking at him, I’m not gonna believe your lie again.”

I narrowed my eyes at my best friend.

“Are you calling me a liar? Saddie, I kept a secret from you but I never lied and never will.”

And I meant that—maybe.

“Except this thing with Fico right now, yes?”

I made a face.

“What thing?”

As far as I’m concerned, the only think that’s keeping Fico and I together at the moment is the lack of available guest rooms.

“So you no longer feel anything for Fico at present?”

Why the hell would she want to know!?!

And why the hell couldn’t I just give a straight answer!?!

“What? No! Can we not talk about it?!? Why are we even talking about this!?!”

I said and went back to eating my pineapple.

Saddie suddenly pushed me into stress eating.

But what am I stressing out for again!?!

“So, you mean, even if you see Fico with other people right now, you wouldn’t feel a thing?”

My best friend slowly moves towards  me and took a space on my seat.

“What a stupid question, Saddie! He can do whatever he wants for all I care. As far as I’m concerned, he’s nothing to me except another wedding invitee.”

I said as I continued chewing on the pineapple chunks that are now literally burning my mouth.

“So that sight doesn’t faze you?”

She pointed to where Fico was on the other side of the beach surrounded by at least three bikini clad women, obviously flirting at him and I didn’t even feel a thing.

“Come on! Those are women. He’s gay!”

I jolted when Saddie suddenly broke into a loud laughter few of the people around actually stopped to stare at her but she didn’t care.

“Alright, I get it now. Girls are okay, because you know Fico would never be swayed. But what if—-?”

My best friend trailed off to smirk at me and I had to raise my eyebrows at her to show her that I would never back down and that what she’s asserting about my feelings for Fico in the present is invalid and untrue.

“What?”

I coaxed her.

But before she could answer, we were interrupted by one of Brigg’s friends who was just playing volleyball earlier.

“Lee.”

Saddie acknowledged as I smiled at him.

“Fun game?”

Most of the guys playing earlier including Fico were already resting while Briggs and few of his friends stayed for a three on three.

“Yeah. But Uhm, I’m here to ask you something if you don’t mind.”

Lee gingerly smiled at me for permission to cut in our conversation.

I smiled back to assure him.

“That Fico guy is your friend right?”

I heard Lee asked and I couldn’t help but be curious as to where he’s heading.

“Yes.”

Saddie answered but not before giving me a meaningful glance.

“Why?”

I was finishing up a bottle of water when I heard Saddie asked.

“Well, I’m wondering if he’s still single.”

Lee smiled shyly at Saddie and I.

I swallowed dryly despite me almost emptying that one litter bottle of water.

I didn’t know why but I suddenly became uneasy.

Much more when Saddie regarded me and I heard what Lee had to say next.

“Cause I kind of like him and I’m planning to make a move if it’s okay.”

And that’s all I had to hear for me to start choking.