Addicted to Redemption

Stand by me

Kate

Dean's words kept running around in my mind tirelessly making me loose sleep. "Why did he say that the man I'll love is going to be a very lucky one? When the one I love is him..." I got a bit shocked at my own thoughts, since I never thought I'd ever love anyone again after what happened with Henry. I was laying on my bed staring at the ceiling and waited for time to pass. I don't know how long I've been there motionless before a nurse knocked and let me know that my session with my psychiatrist is about to start. I followed her to a separate room, where the patients could've speak with a certified doctor to help them get their lives back together. It was the same lady, who visited me at the hospital after my incident. Dr. Brown smiled at me and offered a seat on her comfy sofa as usual. I hopped on the soft, light pink fabric and looked out of the window for a moment. As soon as I spot the bushes we hid behind with Dean, my heart clenched. He was here yesterday, but it felt like another lifetime.

- Kate... Kate! - I shook my head and my glance met Dr. Brown's.

- You seem to be somewhere else, is everything alright? - she asked and I chuckled.

- Would I be here if everything was alright? - she smiled kindly.

- Touche! So, what is bothering you now?

- Well, do you remember of Dean?- she nodded.

- He came yesterday and it felt like a dream. I was finally feeling a bit lighter, I can't really explain, but the emptiness in my chest I've been feeling, was gone for a while. He made a fool of himself dancing with Esther in the meeting hall and he ran away with me when the nurses got pissed at us. - Dr. Brown smiled and nodded encouragingly for me to continue. I took a deep breath and shut my eyes closed in embarrassment.

- I kissed him! - she remained silent for a few seconds and said.

- What did you feel when you kissed Dean? - I slowly opened my eyes to look into the doctor's and felt how my heart trembled.

- At peace. All the pain, all the fear and loneliness was gone. Kissing him was similar of being high, without obviously the horrible consequences and deterioration of my health. - she fixed her glasses and leaned ahead in her chair.

- So, you felt calm, peaceful, and happy when you kissed him. What do you think how Dean felt? Did he kiss you back? - I felt my cheeks burning and Dr. Brown giggled a bit.

- I've got my answer from your expression Kate. Sorry for the unprofessionalism, you looked adorable just now. But, if everything was like in a teenage dream, while are you so troubled? - I sighed and tried to put the pieces of my thoughts together.

- He said something weird when we came back to the building.

- Which was?

- Dean said that the man I'll love is going to be the luckiest one.

- I see, and how do you feel about this statement?

- Honestly? Confused as f**k! I thought that he might feel something towards me as well. - Dr. Brown smiled warmly at me and I felt a bit self conscious.

- How do you feel about him?

- I... I think I'm in love...No! I'm in love with him. I know it hasn't been long since we met and that it sounds crazy, but with him by my side everything is just better. He is so kind and caring, warm and sweet, and he makes me feel alive. It was such a long time ago that I wanted to do anything. I just wanted to numb my feelings, to escape from my reality and just wanted silence. I haven't felt this alive since I was a child. It makes my heart jump to see him and when he smiles the colors get more vibrant. He is so spontaneous and wild and free. I want to tag along, I want to feel this liberated. - I blushed.

- Sorry, I've been babbling nonsenses. - Dr. Brown shook her head.

- Not at all, you just told me how you feel and this kind of open expression of your feelings is a very important milestone in your recovery Kate. You are doing great and I think after a while, you'll be able to live to your heart's content. Regarding what Dean said, I believe that he might be afraid to accept his own feelings yet, or he wants to get to know you better. You told me you met him when you were still an addict, people tend to change for good once they heal. Probably he wants to give you space to grow and get to know yourself better. I'm not a fortune teller, neither a mind reader to know for sure what goes around Dean's head, but from what you told me, I think he also treasures you. Kate, you've lost a lot so far, many things you loved and people you've trusted, it's normal to want to get attached to good people and good things now, and it's normal to be afraid of loosing them. Whenever you feel this way, just take mentally a step back before you get lost in the whirlpool of negative feelings and watch the situation from another perspective. Believe me it will get better. When is him visiting next time? - Dr.Brown asked, I couldn't answer immediately as I was still processing everything she said. I felt proud and a little bit calmer after hearing her point of view.

- He said he is coming this weekend.

- Great, until then, please write down your feelings either good or bad and we will talk after his visit. Kate gave him time and space and give yourself time and space. You have been through a lot, you need space to heal. Don't be too harsh with yourself.

- Thanks Dr. Brown. See you next week!

- If you need help before, my door is always open. - she said waving me goodbye and I thanked her the care. I headed back to my room where Esther waited. When she saw my face she immediately sighed and smiled.

- I haven't believed in psychology for a long time, but seeing you getting back your shine, I might also give a try to that Dr. Brown. Who knows? Maybe she can guide me to the right path too! - I laughed and hugged Esther who caressed the top of my head and I felt her smile spreading on her face.

- You are amazing Kate, I wish I could be as cool as you are!