Unbreakable

4. Candy

“How are you doing? For real. No bullshit,” Gabriella questioned with a raised brow. She was visiting from San Francsico for a weekend. We have been texting frequently, but I dodged most of her questions about my mental health.

Does anyone truly want to know that someone is drowning in their grief? Secretly wishing that they may go to bed one night, dream about the most beautiful things, and then just....never wake up from that dream?

I sipped on my strawberries and cream milkshake. The second one I’ve had today. These little pups had an appetite for anything sweet. Which only brought me more sadness. Nico tasted so sweet. Sam was sweet and savory.

“I wish I were dead, Gabriella. Is that what you want me to say, or do you want the sugar-coated version?”

I knew that was harsh, but goodness, I was tired of everyone always asking. You can never be honest with anyone when you’re dealing with this kind of grief. I don’t want the looks of pity or the anger at telling someone that you’re genuinely not happy to be bringing new life into the world or that your truth is you just simply want to die.

Gabriella frowned, “I hate that for you, Brielle. Can we get a Ouija board, summon Alpha Xaviers spirit, and commit some form of demonic ritual, sending his spirt into eternal damnation?”

That had me laughing a full belly laugh, almost to the point of peeing my pants, “If I could spend every day for the rest of my existence staring into his dying eyes while I stick my claws through his ribcage, that, would bring me a sliver of peace.”

“That’s uhm, brutal. Are you sure you don’t need to talk to someone? Like a therapist?” she scrunched her nose.

I shrugged, “Can’t help it. He was a pathetic piece of s**t. And that’s precisely the reason I don’t tell people how I’m feeling. I’m handling it. I will handle it.”

She pursed her lips, “I have no doubt that you’ll handle it, but how much are you going to hurt yourself in the process?”

Gabriella wasn’t wrong. I haven’t told her what I plan to do, but then again, I haven’t told anyone. They just wouldn’t support me. And that’s okay. Not many would support brutality and murder, but to me, this feels justified.

Those men will have no idea what’s coming.

“I will be fine someday. Maybe never happy, but I have to do what’s right for these babies. Give them the future they deserve. And no therapist can help me with that.”

She shrugged, accepting my response.

“When are you and Dakota getting married?” I questioned, attempting to change the subject, but it wasn’t lost on Gabriella. She was too smart.

“Nice try,” she narrowed her eyes, “The conversation on your mental health is absolutely not over. BUT, I will amuse you,” she dangled her hand in front of me, showing off a beautiful diamond ring set in rose gold. It was huge and very flashy, just like Gabriella.

“Did he pick that for you?”

Her chocolatey brown eyes beamed, “Yes! Can you believe that? My man picked the perfect ring. I don’t think I could have gone in there and picked something better myself,” she chirped, wiggling her fingers and admiring the ring as it sparkled.

“The ring is very you.”

“I’ve decided now that I’m a hotshot lawyer, I want a little more than elopement in Vegas. I’m thinking Hawaii. A beach wedding where I can still wear the most beautiful dress, but with a backdrop that will take your breath away,” she explained.

“That sounds beautiful. Do you have a date picked out yet?”

Gabriella nervously chewed on her bottom lip, “Yes,” she squeaked.

I raised a brow, impatiently waiting for her to continue.

“SOOO, it’s going to be in four months. September 16th to be exact. Do.....Do you think you can make it?” she pouted her bottom lip, fluttering her eyelashes.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

She released a breath I wasn’t aware she was holding, looking relieved, “Thank GOD. I want you to be my maid of honor and I wasn’t even sure you would say yes.”

I am aware of the customs that go along with human weddings. The maid of honor is the bride's right hand. That person is one of the most important people to the bride, and my heart swelled knowing that Gabriella chose me for that position.

I finished off my strawberry milkshake, silently wondering if I should go order another one. I’ve got three bellies that are hungry now. Maybe we all need a milkshake?

“Will you still be pregnant then?” Gabriella asked, distracting me from my milkshake argument.

I nodded, “I only have about two months left. Our pregnancies don’t last nine months like you guys. Five months are typical, and with twins, it could be even less than that.”

“I’m still in shock that you’re having twins,” she whispered.

Yeah. Me too. I’m still shocked. Angry. Frustrated. Just about every negative emotion you could think of, but instead of giving her more reason to send me to therapy, I just nodded slowly.

******************

I can’t sleep. My mind has been running wild tonight. Every time I close my eyes, I see him. Sam just standing there, smiling. Or hear Nico’s voice. It’s starting to drive me mad.

It’s not fair. They’re haunting me. Plaguing my nights with the longing need to have them back in my arms.

Angrily, I rip the pillow from behind my head, covering my face with it and screaming. I screamed into the pillow until my lungs were bled of air. Until my throat was hoarse.

“Go away,” I whispered weakly, “I don’t want to hear you anymore. I can’t bear to see you. It’s too much.”

‘Baby girl.....You don’t mean that,’ Nico’s deep voice filled my head. Invading my senses. My body trembled as I felt the vibration from his words. I knew it was fake. I wasn’t actually hearing him or feeling him. It was my mind playing tricks on me, but I wanted it to stop. It was like my subconscious was torturing me because of the immense guilt I felt.

Why? Why are you haunting me? You are gone. All that I am left with are the memories from the short life that we shared together. That alone is enough torture for a lifetime. This is gnawing at my sanity.

I need a distraction. Something to keep me from hearing his voice. From seeing his face.

‘Are you awake?’ I linked Brody.

‘I am now, what’s up?’ he responded groggily.

‘I can’t sleep.’

‘Don’t worry. I will be there soon,’ Brody responded.

A few minutes later, Brody was walking through the door carrying a few bags. My brow raised, looking at him confused.

“I come bearing gifts,” he raised the bags with a smile.

His eyes still looked tired, and I felt guilty for using him as a distraction tonight.

Every time I look into Brody’s eyes, I’m shocked that this is the same man that hunted me for money. Delivered me to my death. Now, he was climbing into my bed with bags of ‘gifts’ to try and comfort my broken soul.

“Are you going to tell me what’s in the bags?”

He was sitting in silence, appearing to second guess his decision to bring whatever was in these bags.

“Yes. But..... This is only a test. You can kill me later if you want, but I thought this might help. And if it doesn’t, I’ve noticed you have a sweet tooth, so I suppose it’s a win win?” he shrugged.

I was a little confused until he started pulling out different kinds of candy. My heart stilled realizing what he was doing. There were multiple types of caramels sitting in front of me from different brands as well as different kinds of flavored candies. Tears stung my eyes as I looked down at all of the candies.

Brody was trying to help me recreate their scent. The way they tasted. My lip quivered, the tears that stung my eyes were now stinging my cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” Brody muttered, “This was, maybe not the best plan.” He quickly went to grab the candy to shove it back into the bag, but I grabbed his arm, stopping him.

“Thank you. Let’s get comfortable and enjoy them together.”

The two of us scooted to the headboard, leaning back.

I grabbed the first bag of caramels, popping one into my mouth. It wasn’t right. Too sweet and not enough savory, “This one is good, but not it,” I whispered, handing him one. He ate it, nodding, “Hmmm. That was okay, but tastes more like a mass production than something that gives you homemade vibes.”

The next one was called a Sugar Daddy and I found myself giggling at the name, “Did you get this one just so I could call you my sugar daddy?”

Brody laughed a full belly laugh, “Sadly, I did not think of that while picking them out. But I do sort of feel like a sugar daddy right now. Bringing you all kinds of sweets in the middle of the night. Or a sugar knight in shining armor,” he winked.

There was a glimpse of the Brody I knew and lo....

Pulling the wrapper off, I popped it into my mouth, sucking on the stick, “This one is delicious, but not right,” I pulled it out, holding it up to Brody’s mouth to taste. He leaned forward, taking the whole thing in his mouth. His eyes began to darken, but he clamped them shut tightly, pulling back, “That one was amazing. I wonder what I taste like?” he questioned to himself.

The next one was a single wrapped sea salt caramel. There was only one, so I bit it in half, moaning as the flavor spread throughout my mouth. It was so close to tasting like Sam that I couldn’t fight the nostalgic feeling the spread through my body. Goosebumps prickled my skin as I savored the flavor, keeping the caramel in my mouth until it dissolved away.

“This is the one,” I held up the caramel for Brody, “Not perfect, but so close.”

“Damn. That was good. Sam was delicious,” he whispered, his eyes widening as the words left his mouth, “I’m sorry, that was really insensitive of me.”

I shook my head with a soft chuckle, “Don’t be sorry. He was delicious.”

Since I had found the perfect caramel, we moved on to the sweet, fruity candies. There was a sleeve of starburst, a mixed bag of laffy taffy, and two different kinds of lifesaver gummies.

The starburst were good, but not the same. Too fruity. The laffy taffy was delicious and I loved the texture, but the flavor was also too fruity. I opened the first bag of lifesavers, they were the berry variety, and the smell was close but not close enough. I didn’t even bother trying one. Feeling greedy to have just another taste of Nico, I grabbed the next one. The second bag, was the original lifesaver gummies.

Popping one in my mouth, I knew instantly that this was the closest I’d ever get to tasting him again. Closing my eyes, I saw him, like a movie, shaking his wet hair out after a shower. The way that his damp black hair curled to his forehead. The towel hanging dangerously low on the V of his hips. The beautiful artwork that covered his skin.

I felt warmth spread through my body, settling in my core. I never imagined that putting a candy in my mouth would take my mind to a moment where Nico was still here.

“I’m guessing that’s the one?” Brody questioned, but his voice sounded strained.

“Mhmm,” was all I could mutter. I was selfish and wanted to alternate between the caramel and lifesavers for the rest of my life.

Brody grabbed one, “Totally unfair that they tasted that good,” he moaned.

“Right? It’s a tragedy.”

“I’m sorry, Brielle. I hope this wasn’t overstepping. I just....I know you love them and miss them. I remember being where you are. I can’t ever understand exactly what you’re feeling, but I’ve had a glimpse into that pain, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone,” Brody whispered.

I leaned into his side, resting my head on his shoulder, “It’s devastating. I feel like I’ve lost my will to enjoy life. Can I tell you something?”

He rested his head on mine, grabbing another lifesaver from the bag and popping it into his mouth, “Anything.”

“They’ve been haunting me. I can hear Nico’s voice in my head. Sam doesn’t speak, but just stands there, staring at me like I’m the most precious diamond in the entire world. It blurs the lines of reality for me, but I don’t feel like it’s real when I think about it rationally. I feel like it’s my guilt, reminding me of my failures. But I'm selfish, and live for those little moments where they visit me. I don't know how to process it.”

Brody took a deep breath, “Why do you feel guilty? Nico made the choice to challenge Xavier and Sam made the choice to charge that field.”

The reminder had my breath hitching in my throat.

“Nico did it for me.... and Sam did it for Nico. But they would never have been in that position had it of not been for me. If I would have just stayed away like I wanted to in the beginning, I wouldn’t have dragged them into my continually f****d up life.”

I felt Brody’s arm wrap around my shoulders, “You can’t blame yourself for the decisions that those around you make. You may have been the reason that Nico chose to do what he did, but you didn’t force his hand. You may have fallen in love with them, but they fell in love with you too,” he paused, “Life is unpredictable. It is tragic and beautiful all in the same”

He placed a finger under my chin, turning my head to look into his eyes, “You are not to blame for the choices of others, Brielle. That is a weight that will always crush you in the end.”