The journal of deep thoughts

Tuesday April 18

Hello stranger...

How are you? That one question that everyone asks you but most aren't very interested in what you have to say so you just limit to say "fine". When I was young and someone asked me this question the answer was always simple, when my parents bought me the toy I wanted I would say that I was happy, when I scraped my knee while I was playing I would say that I was sad because I knew no other pain and when I didn't win on a game I would say that I was angry. But as I grew up that question that once sounded simple has now become in the hardest question someone could ask me. I have so many mixed feelings in my head that get triggered by things that had nothing to do with what I'm feeling that its making me mad, in other words, there comes a point in which you don't even know how you really are. So if you ask me this question don't expect me to answer you with honesty, because I barely know and if you ask me what is happening to me don't expect me to tell you more than "nothing" because I really don't know...

Another thought that has been in my head is my parents attitude towards somethings that I do, I love them with all my life and I feel so lucky to have parents that actually care about me and not like Violet's parents but there are things that they do that are literally contradictory of what they say in the fist place, don't know if your following me...

For example, they tell me to speak up, to ask when I have a doubt or directly say what I think and its great but ironically when I have a question that came to me in that moment and I ask them, well... They don't react how you would expect, they don't get mad but they start asking me WHY did I had that question, they start pressuring me like if it where a life or death situation that they take my curiosity away. And then they wonder why I don't speak my mind with them...

Don't know, just some thought I had today...

So today at school nothing important happened, Violet and Abby didn't show up though, I've realized that we've been distant from each other, just hope its temporary...

Met Damien at my favorite cafe called "The hideout", its this really cool place full of vinyl discs, couches and really good food, plus you can play any disc you want and its open 24/7! I really love that place, I come there to read, study, find new music and hangout with my friends. I've been there so many times I get to tell the waitress to get me my "usual" meal!! Damien seemed to really love the place because for the first ten minutes all he did was admire the place I brought him to, I have to say he looks really pretty when he is happy, there is something special in his eyes...

We went there as soon as classes where over and as intelligent as I am I had forgotten my lunch at home so I was starving, and I'm not exactly very nice when I'm hungry and I think he noticed it so he decided to remain silent until I had some food in-front of me, wise choice. He stared at me while I was eating with such delight I think he didn't even realize he was smiling, I would've said something but I was to busy eating. After we ate we started studying and hell was he right that he was a math genius, he understands everything like if it where as simple as the alphabet and he knew just how to explain me everything, after two hours of studying we decided to end it for the day and he started asking me questions about me...

"So what's your favorite type of music?"

"Easy, indie and rock"

"Favorite band?"

"Do I have to say just one? I can't chose"

"Fine, tell me then"

"Nirvana is great, Artic Monkeys rock, Foster The People are good to, MGMT also, and the Two Door Cinema Club are really good"

He just laugh for a while and the he says " Not bad"

"What's your favorite time of the day?"

"I don't know, night I guess but when its raining it makes it even better, I really love rain"

We continue to talk for a while and then he walks me home, after that I spend my day reading my all time favorite book " They both die at the end", no matter how many times I read it I always cry...

When I'm about to fall asleep I get a call, its Damien

"I swear to god if someone is not dying I will kill you, I was about to fall asleep"

"Sorry but I can't sleep little one so will you be the one that makes me company?"

"Fine" I say as I blush

We talk for a while about how much did Damien loved "The hideout" and then an idea pops in my head.

"Damien meet me in half an hour at the cafe, don't ask"

"Yes ma'am" he says in that sarcastic tone that makes me smile

I call Violet and Abby and tell them the same.

When I get there the three of them were already there, confused about what was going on but before Violet can get the chance and insult somebody I say

"I know that this is weird but I've noticed that we've been distant lately and I don't see why Damien can't be part of the crew, if you would just give him a chance you would really like him. So what do you say that for at least today we forget our differences and have fun?"

At the end they all agreed and we entered in the cafe, we sat at our usual table in which all the good discs where, we started talking about school and things like that until Abby grabbed my by the shoulder and asked me if we could go and sit somewhere else, s**t. When one of us asked for this it was never a good sign but i still said yes.

We sat in the back and for a while we remain silent, then she looks up at me and she starts telling me the story that destroyed her. Something that happens when you are a friend of mine is that when you tell me something and don't show emotions I'm always the one that ends up doing it. As she told me the story she remained calm but I noticed sadness in her voice,  I started crying when she told it to me, I couldn't believe she had gone though all of that pain and I didn't even notice, how selfish I had been, I was to worried thinking of Damien and the exams that I forgot about that one person that had always been there for me. I could've helped her, I could've been the shoulder she would cry on. But no, I was too dam selfish worrying about my meaningless problems and there she was loosing her literal family and identity, and where was I? Studying for a stupid exam. God how I hated myself in that moment, and then after she was done telling the story she said something I didn't expect:

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry you weren't the first one to know, I was to afraid of accepting it I forgot that you always wanted to know this things first. Please forgive me"

I just stared at her not believing what she just said, then I smiled

" Oh sweetie, you don't have to apologize for anything, I'm the one that has to ask you to forgive me. I was the one that didn't notice that you were sad and I was the one that wasn't  there to support you"

We hug each other as hard as we can, the battle was over, we were okay, she was okay, that was all that mattered to me...

We return and have the best night the four of us ever had, for once we forgot how har it was to be a teenager...

Lost teenager:)