The Reality, Emily's Story (Paddock Passion Series Book 2)

Chapter Five

I looked at my best friend, I could not lie to her.  “I am sorry Nat, I saw Rosa she was with a man, they looked close, closer than I would have expected.” I tell her

“Yes I caught a glimpse as well before you bundled me off to buy the piggy bank” Nathalie responded

“I did some digging, his name is Pol Mir, he went to university with her, a year above” I inform her, Nat just nodded,

“Yes, well now, what do we do about it?” she asked

I shrugged my shoulders, “Not sure Nat, They are obviously having problems, but we do not know if it was more innocent than we are thinking, and I don’t think he would appreciate us prying into his love life” I offer

“I agree, I think we should let him talk if he needs to and just support him” Nat interjects,

“She is an i***t Nat” I said, and she nodded in agreement.

“Did you have the dream again Emily” Nat asked, it was my turn to nod now, looking down,

“I thought I heard you crying” she whispered I knew what she meant was I was screaming, for to hear a mere cry from all the way down the hall was impossible.  I often felt that Molly’s sleeping issues were probably down to my dreams and my response to them, waking her up.  My parents had suggested bereavement counselling, but I had refused, how could I explain I had been prepared for him to potentially lose his life on track, but never for him to die as he did. The thoughts of him burning haunted me, and knowing it was to find me filled me with so much guilt I sometimes found it hard to breath. I thanked GOD I had Molly, as I may not have survived my inner turmoil. 

Suddenly our conversation was cut short, as Molly barged into Nat’s bedroom, and started to demand “Lolly” I looked at her and Smiled

“Not yet Molly, if you eat all of your tea, and are a good girl, then you can have one” I knew what was coming next, telling a 2 ½ year old no was always fun.  Instantly tears sprung to her eyes, her face red with anger, she stamped her tiny feet and shouted louder “Lolly”

“No Molly, if you’re a good girl and after tea” I respond a little more forcefully

At this my determined daughter, lay herself (Gently) onto the floor and kicked and screamed.  I ignored her screams and turned to Nathalie, attempting to hold a conversation with her, so that Molly understood no meant no and this behaviour would not work with me.  It was hard, I hated to say no to her, but my parents had told me that I had to get it under control now else when she was older I really would have a nightmare on my hands.  Nat understood, and we chatted about nothing in particular, letting Molly scream it out. It didn’t take long for her to realise it was getting her no where and she gave in and climbed on my knee “sowwyyy” I kissed her and told her I loved her, holding her tight to me. 

We headed downstairs, Mariana, Sabs mother had come over with boxes full of freshly made food for us all, one thing she liked was to look after everyone.  It was amazing how well Nat and Mariana got on, it had been difficult for them at first, given the language barrier, but now Nat was fluent in Spanish, things were natural.  I envied this a little if I was honest.  Since Colin’s death his parent’s and I had grown apart. Mainly down to the constant interference with Molly.  I was happy to take instruction, but sometimes they would even change her clothes telling me I should dress her differently.  It had become a bone of contention between us, and I now found it easier just to do things on my own. 

I headed off to the kitchen to help Mariana with the food, grabbing 10 minuets peace whilst Molly played with Sab and Sam, she had those boys wrapped around her little finger.  Mariana served up a tortilla with chorizo and peppers and for dessert she had made a mouth-watering Valencia Orange Flan.  She really was the most amazing cook.  Not long after Juan, Sabs father arrived after work, and we all headed into the dining room to eat our lovingly prepared meal.  Juan and Mariana treated Molly as their own, when she was here, they had been present at the fire, only out in a different part of the castle with Nathalie’s parents.  They had all been so supportive of me those first few days, it was touch and go if I would miscarry given the shock, and I was only 6 weeks pregnant when it had all happened.  Mariana, and Lou Nat’s Mam had taken over as substitute parents for me, and so they all had a bond with Molly.  I felt blessed, however I lived over 2 hours away from Nat’s family in England, and obviously a whole country away from Sabs family, including my best friend.  I found I had more in common with these guy’s than I did my own family now.  We had grown apart long before the fire, I had all but left them when I met Colin to travel with him each race.

After we ate and cleaned up, I headed upstairs with Molly for her bath time routine and to pop her down to sleep, she would probably wake up around midnight then every hour till 6 am. The evening break was special. 

I kissed my little girl good night and told her Daddy was watching over her and loved her so much then headed back downstairs with the monitor in hand.

Sam sat looking out of the French doors as if staring into space.  Nat looked at me and then him then said

“Okay Sam, what is going on?” she was more forceful than I would have been, and normally she would have, but I put that down to her raging hormones.

“Yeah, so, I think it is over, I cannot trust her Nat, it is like she is trying to get info out of me to benefit her career, and also she is being very secretive.  I have had enough, after we get back from the three races I am going to head back home to England for a bit” he said, matter of fact

There was not a lot I could say to that, so gave him a friendly hug, letting him know that we were all here for him if he needed us.

The next week passed happily, Sab and Sam had headed off for the first three races of the season, they were held in Qatar, Argentina and USA so would be gone for four weeks.  My job was to look after Nat whilst they were away, not that it was a Job, and I think she wanted to look after me as well.  It was great to have some girls time, Molly loved swimming in the pool at the side of the house, and immersing herself in the water helped Nat feel a sense of weightlessness so we spent a lot of time in there.  The rest of our days were filled with midwife appointments and sorting out the final touches to baby Marc’s nursery.  Also, when Molly had afternoon naps I would take advantage of the dirt track and get myself on a bike it was good to feel the freedom of riding a motorcycle gave me, and it always made me feel closer to Colin.  On the evenings Nat and I would play on the playstation, it was always fun watching her rage before pregnancy hormones, now she had taken to not only shouting at her victims but also crying if someone managed to kill her, she would laugh at herself but was still crying like a child each time it happened.  It had to be one of the funniest things I had seen for a long time, and always made me smile. 

My dreams of late had not been as vivid, as a result Molly was sleeping a little better.  Although the extra sleep really helped me, I felt guilty that my thoughts were not on Colin.  For some unknown reason I was obsessing about how bad Rosa had treated Sam.  Probably my minds way of avoiding my own desperate situation and taking a break from the pain and torment I found myself in each night. 

It was the race weekend; Nat and I watched each session it almost felt I was back in the paddock.  It felt surreal, it had been such a big part of my life, which had disappeared with Colin. Of course Sab won the race, however the crowd were not as supportive as they had been, he was so dominant that they longed to see other riders beat him, some even let out “boo’s” now when he was on the podium.  People were fickle, if you won too much, they resented you.  I knew it was upsetting Nathalie, to be honest it upset me.  I could not fathom how fans of motorcycle racing could be so disrespectful of any rider on the track, given it is such a dangerous sport.  Sab however took it in his stride and celebrated all the harder, it was almost like giving them a virtual middle finger, the louder the geers the more he smiled and celebrated, it seemed to push him to go even faster.  Nigel and Richard the main commentators from the UK had gotten quite cross with the crowd and said they needed to go off and find the nearest soccer stadium as it had no place in the Motorcycle championship, and I whole heartedly agreed.  I sighed as the program ended feeling nostalgic, remembering how Nat and I would do our “Happy and Proud” dance in Parc Ferme when Sab and Colin both finished on the podium, I really missed the banter, the manic rushing around, even the boredom it could sometimes bring. but those days were long gone for me.  Another day drew to a close and the night-time approached.  I had a hot bath and got ready for bed, I snuggled under the covers allowing my self to remember the touch of Colins fingers on my skin, how he had made me feel so content and happy.  How well we gelled together when being as one, as always I pulled a pillow down to his side of the bed and wrapped my arm and leg around it, as if he was there, and then I closed my eyes longing to see him in my dreams. 

Colin was stood in front of me, smiling at me and Molly, “Emily my love, you have to let me go, it is no good for you, I want you to live your life again, you were meant to shine on this earth, but you are hidden in a cloud of depression.  Let me go and live again my darling, let me have the happiness of seeing you smile again

I woke up sobbing into my Colin pillow, that dream felt so real, it was different to all the others.  I heard Molly crying and I got up and snuggled up to her in her bed soothing her, and allowing her presence to sooth me as I cuddled her back into her sleep.