Behind Drawn Curtains

Chapter 18

What did I do? How could I share intimacy with my best friend? Was I going crazy? I am supposed to leave town as soon as possible, and now I was in bed with my best friend after having sucked him of, and allowing him to do the same to me. Where was my mind going? How would I be able to leave town now? There was no way that Chris would help me to get away and out of town now. He would want me to stay and be his boyfriend. And to top it all off, I’m not even sure that I am gay. Just because of what had happened doesn’t mean that I’m into guys all of a sudden. It was a moment of weakness. A moment of me just wanting to have someone close, someone that really loves me, beside me. There was only one word for what I felt, and that was regret.

Carefully, not wanting to wake Chris up I got out of bed, pulled on the boxers he had given to me the previous night and went in search of my own clothing that was still somewhere in the bathroom.

After I pulled it onto my body I felt the phone in the pocket. For a moment I didn’t want to unlock and see what was on it, but curiosity got the better of me. There was a message from my mother, saying that she arrived safely and wanting to make sure of my decision of staying with James. I ignored the message when I saw the 52 missed calls from James. However there was no message from him. Only the missed calls. I felt a wave of relief washing over me. No messages. I had expected the complete opposite.

I just wanted to get out of Chris’ apartment and get on with my plan. My plan of leaving town forever, never looking back and disappearing into thin air to a place where nobody would ever look for me. My plan however failed as I snuck into Chris’ room to put on my shoes and grab my hoodie. He stirred and even before I was finished tying my shoe laces he opened his eyes and directed them directly toward me.

“Hey hotness. Where are you going?” he asked as he pushed himself straight up on the bed while he tried to wipe the sleep from his eyes.

“I have something I need to go and do. And you need to get to school,” I added for good measure.

“Let’s bunk, stay at home and watch movies,” he answered with a grin. “I will hold you all day in my arms if you want to.”

“Tempting,” I said with a smile knowing that I had no intention to see this inside of this room ever again. “But I have some stuff I really need to sort out.”

“I’ll come with you,” he said and jumped out of bed, only to realize he was still naked. After a few minutes of searching for his boxer it gave me enough time to tie my shoes and put on my hoodie.

“No. You need to go to school today,” I said sternly.

“And you?”

He looked at me with adorable puppy eyes. I just wanted to give in and have him with me. While I was him I felt safe and that was the feeling that I needed more than anything at the moment.

“I need to go home. I need to grab some of my stuff,” I answered.

“Let me come with you.”

It was truly tempting. The last thing I wanted to do was walk into that house all by myself, and if Chris was with me, we could probably carry twice as many of my things than what I would have been able to carry on my own. On the other side I was heading away from this place and the better plan would be to take only as much as I could carry on my own.

“No. James might be there,” I answered using the first excuse that popped into my mind.

“All the better. He won’t try to do anything to you with your boyfriend by your side.”

And there it was. The word that I didn’t want to hear coming over Chris’ lips. Boyfriend. I just wanted to correct him, remind him that I was damaged goods. A slut who slept with his stepfather. It would be better of him to forget about me, but I could not get the words out. Somewhere inside me there was something that liked the idea of someone caring that much for me, but knowing I was going to break his heart before the day was over was breaking my heart even more.

“I’m going with you and that’s that,” Chris said when I took too long to answer. He immediately walked over to his closet and started pulling out clothing for him to wear.

Panic pushed up into my throat, threatening to come out in streams, but I swallowed it. I knew there was no way to get Chris to do what I want now. I gave him the power and he took it.

***

His car wasn’t there. That was at least one good sign. Maybe there was somebody up in the sky looking down at me to make sure that everything would go well.

As I walked up the steps to the front door I felt Chris’ fingers interlacing with mine once again. On the walk over he had done it several times, as if he wanted to show the world that I was now his. I didn’t know if I liked the idea, but strangely at this moment where I was walking into the house of horror it made me feel safe somehow.

“James isn’t here. You can really go to school now,” I said turning toward Chris and looking him in the eyes. Even though I was terrified this was something I needed to do alone. I needed to say goodbye to everything. I needed the closure. Chris was not that welcome just yet.

“And if James comes back?” Chris asked, worry setting into his eyes.

“I will deal with it. You got me here safely. The rest is up to me,” I answered.

“But you will call me if you need help?”

“Yeah, I will,” I answered as I looked at him, drinking in every piece of him, wanting to engrave the one person who truly cared for me into my mind.

If only Chris had known what I was planning he would’ve never left me alone. This was our last goodbye as well. And in time he would see that it is for the best. I need to get out, and he would go back to Andrew in time. Andrew is a good guy. He’s not broken and used at all. Not a slut.

“Promise you won’t take long?” Chris asked.

“I will send you a message when I leave here, okay? I just really need to do this on my own.”

The feeble smile I gave in order to hide my fear and sadness must have somehow convinced Chris, because before I knew it I was being kissed. I savored it. It might me my very last kiss. Who knows what would be happening in the future?

“I love you,” Chris whispered.

“I love you too,” I said and I really meant it, but I broke eye contact as soon as I could. Chris did not deserve to see my sadness.

When I finally had the guts to turn back to him his footsteps had already lead him to the perimeter of the property, walking in the direction of school, a grin wide on his face as he turned around and waved at me. I greeted it with only a lift of my hand before I swallowed the budge in my throat and unlocked the door.

As I stepped inside I could feel the cold that had taken place in the house. Not a physical cold. Something more. Maybe supernatural in a way. It was hard to explain, but I got goose bumps as if I was walking through a house haunted with evil memories of the past. It was as if every stair creaked underneath my feet as I climbed the stairs, sharing the misery and pain that they had witnessed over the years. I didn’t want them to tell me their story, because I already knew it far too well, so I ignored their feeble attempts to communicate with me. This house did not feel like home to me anymore. It felt like a prison of torment and torture. I tried my hardest to recall the last time I could’ve really called this place a real home. Back when I was still whole; when everything was still normal. Where the photo’s in the frames of me smiling brightly to passersby was not forced in order to conceal the pain that was inflicted by the man in the picture that draped his arm around my shoulder like a proud father.

I could not recall a place like that at all. Not anymore. The good memories had faded and all I was left with was the haunted house full of pain and anger.

The handle of my door was cold under my hand as I drew my breath, ready to take the leap of faith and walk into the place where it all started. For the very last time. To say goodbye? To just pack up and leave? I did not know. All I knew was that it was truly the last time.

After what felt like ages and a hundred more breaths to steady myself I finally opened the door.

“I knew you’d come home, you dirty little slut,” James said from my bed. Anger pouring from his eyes.