Behind Drawn Curtains

Chapter 17

Do you know what it feels like to feel really unwelcome where you are? I felt unwelcome at Chris’ place. He was somewhere in the apartment blowing off steam, while somewhere there was a woman sleeping off her drunken ass. Then there was me, running the water of the shower, getting ready to get in just because I had nowhere else to go. Just because I was feeling unwelcome and wanted to flee away from Chris with everything in me, I also couldn’t go home because then I had to be my stepdad’s s*x slave again. I could probably sleep on the streets, but I wouldn’t know where to go and where to sleep on the streets either. I would probably get killed within the first few hours. Not that I would mind dying, but I just don’t know if that is the way that I would like to die. Somehow I want to at least die in a place I know, and by a means that was in my hands. Not left over to some stranger slitting my throat. Then again… Whatever gets the job done.

The warm water running over me didn’t make me feel clean. It didn’t get the scent of James off my body. It still lingered there. Teasing me. Making me remember that I was his. That he took me, whether I liked it or now. And even though it has been hours since that few minutes in the living room I could somehow still feel his hands all over me. So just like so many times in the past I started scrubbing and scrubbing. Every so often I would turn the cold water off a little bit more until I finally stood in water so warm that it seared my skin as the drops fell on me, burning my skin until it was a pink that resembled sunburn. Only when it started hurting when I touched myself as the skin had become overly sensitive did I finally close the taps, but I did not get out.

I didn’t feel like facing Chris so I just sat down in the shower, the floor of it getting colder and colder under my body since the water stopped spraying over it. There I sat, huddled up in the corner. Holding my knees tightly against my body, willing myself not to cry. I would not cry. Not about James. Not about Chris. Not about what happened.

I would not cry…

Still the tears came. Uninvited and unintentional, streaming over my face in defiance, ignoring my inner sobs that was telling them to stop, but the truth was that I didn’t really want them to stop either. Maybe the salt in them would somehow erase the feeling of James’ hands all over my body. Maybe it would wash the terrible memories that was stuck in my head right out.

Neither of those actually happened. Even when the tears eventually stopped after god knows how long could I still recall every memory and feel the hands running over my body.

“E.J.?” I heard from the door, but I had no intention to answer. I needed time. I needed a chance to get a hold of myself before I could look Chris in the eyes again. Knowing that he knew just how dirty I really was, was eating me up inside. It made me not want to look him in the eye. Like he said… I was a f*****g slut. I slept with my stepdad out of my own accord. I don’t know if I would ever be able to look myself in the eyes again, let alone Chris.

“E.J! Are you okay?”

I wanted to tell him that I was not okay, but I wasn’t sure off there was any sound left to escape my lips, so I just sat there, ignoring him while I tried to calm my mind and bring a black curtain over everything that had happened. I knew it wouldn’t work, but like always I still tried.

“I’m coming in,” Chris’ voice rang through the door, and before I even had a chance to answer him, the door swung open. There was no time to reach for a towel, so I did the next best thing and tried to cover myself with my hands, staying in the sitting position, hoping that while I was sitting I would expose as little as possible of my body.

“E.J? What are you doing?” Chris said as he opened the glass shower door as well, scanning my naked body with his eyes, a frown appearing on his face.

“Thinking,” I said softly, hoping that he would not see that I had been crying.

“Come here,” he said as he stretched his hand out to me. A part of me wanted to grab onto it. To hold onto someone real. To hold onto some form of niceness, but I also knew that by doing that I would expose my entire body to him. He would see everything that James lusted after so hungrily. I didn’t want to see that same look in Chris’ eyes. I wanted to see love and not lust. I didn’t think that I would have been able to handle that on top of everything as well.

“Hand me a towel please,” I said, keeping my eyes fixed on his outstretched hand, unwilling to look him in the eye.

For a moment his hand disappeared from the place my eyes were focused, but within seconds they returned, holding a warm green towel. Without revealing any of my body any further I grabbed the towel and held it up so that I could stand up without Chris seeing anything. I glimpsed his eyes as I folded the towel around myself, covering as much of my body as I possibly could with it before I took his hand and allowed him to help me out of the shower.

The first thing I went for when I got out was my clothing, but Chris stepped in between, holding up his hand to stop me.

“You don’t have to put that on. We’ll get you something else in the room.”

I allowed him to lead me away from my clothing that I wanted on my body so badly, but I also understood what he was saying. James was still on those clothes. I needed something else. Something clean. Clean clothing that had not soaked up the sweat left behind on my body by James.

I quickly looked up and down before I left the bathroom. There was still some part of me that was even terrified of Chris’ mom finding me in nothing more than a towel in her house, although I have known her for years. When I was sure the coast was clear I quickly took the few paces to Chris’ room just to find him already going through the closet in search of something for me to wear.

He produced a clean blue boxer short and held it out toward me. I looked at him as if to ask him if it was all, but it was clean and I knew I would feel a lot more comfortable as soon as I had something, anything hugging against my body. With Chris staring at me I struggled to put it on underneath the towel, as if moments before he hadn’t already seen me completely naked. Still I told myself he hadn’t seen much, even if I was naked at that moment.

“I’m sorry,” Chris said as he walked over to sit on the side of the bed as I tried my best to cover my front with my hands, hoping that I wasn’t showing of too much in the skimpy boxers. “It’s just that I get kinda crazy when I think of him touching you.”

“It’s okay,” I murmured even though it wasn’t even close to being okay. He was right. I was nothing more than a slut.

“You look good,” he mentioned as he looked me over, making me feel even more self-conscious.

“Do you ever think of having s*x with me?” I asked. I had no idea where it was coming from, but I had to know. I had to know if he was just like James.

“Well…” he hesitated, looking down at his shoes. “There have been times…”

“And right now?”

“I’m a horny teen with a damn hot guy standing almost naked in my room. What do you think?”

That caught me off guard. For a moment I glanced down at my own body. I didn’t see anything hot about it. I didn’t have a six pack and muscles like Andrew. I still had the odd pimple or two breaking out on my face. And then there were the scars, white against the pink of my arm where the searing hot water fell against it.

“Why do you think I’m hot?” I asked.

“I don’t know… You’re just my type. I just want to hug you and hold you.” A smile started spreading over Chris’ face, but it wasn’t like the grin of satisfaction that James normally had. There was something shy about it.

“I’m not gay,” I whispered softly as I walked over and took a seat next to Chris. “But some part of me really cares for you. Even loves you.”

“I love you too E.J.” It was soft but it was there as I placed my hand on his knee.

Chris had always been there. He had always stood up for me no matter what. Even when I chased his away and didn’t want anything to do with me he didn’t give up, and like now, when I was in trouble he was there without asking any questions. I kept this in mind the entire time as I allowed my hand to slip up his leg and over his boxers until I was palming a growing mass in his shorts.

I could hear his body stressing ups and his breath getting quicker, and then all of a sudden I felt his hand on my wrist, pulling my hand away from him.

“You just said you’re not gay,” he said as he looked me straight in the eye.

“Does it matter?” I asked, wanting to send my hand back to what it was doing, but not being able to as he held my wrist really tightly.

“Yes. It does matter.” There was a storm brooding in his eyes. “I don’t want to lose my virginity with some straight guy with whom I have no future. I want it to be special somehow. To think there is at least more to it than just sex.”

I took a few seconds to think it over but I had already made my decision. I knew what I wanted to do. I knew that I loved Chris, and even if this was not the right way, it was the only way I could think of to say thank you.

“Kiss me then,” I whispered.

For a moment I saw shock moving through Chris’ eyes, and then his lips were on mine, parting them gently. I didn’t know how he had done it but there was something minty on his breath as his touch brushed against mine, causing explosions to go off in my head. I had been kissed many times before, but somehow this was completely different. It was tender and loving. I wanted this. For the first time I actually wanted it to happen.

I could feel Chris’ hands cupping my face and moving around my neck to tangle the fingers into the mess I called my hair and I allowed him to push me down on the bed. For the first time I didn’t mind someone else pressing their body against mine. Feeling the growing sensation of two men press against each other as they grew to their limitations.

His breath in my ear as he kissed into my neck made me shiver in anticipation of what would happen next. I was the one with all the experience, but he was the one making sure I got to experience something completely different and new. Feeling emotions that had to this moment been completely foreign to me. Hell, I didn’t even know it existed and that I had it in me at all.

I have always feared this moment. The idea of being intimate with someone had always caused panic and anxiety to run through my body at a deafening pace. But here I was, doing it. I was making love to someone and I wasn’t scared or in panic. I wanted it more and more. Even as his mouth closed around my shaft I didn’t think of James. All I could think of was the guy with the black hair going down on me, not because he expected anything in return or just wanted to please himself. It was because he loved me and wanted to become one with me. It was completely different from what I had always feared it would be. As I shivered and my muscles pulled together with every squirt into his mouth I felt pleasure inside and out moving along my body like an electric current.

I didn’t mind returning the favor after that. I could feel the glow on my cheeks as I took him in my hand as he leaned his head back against a pillow with his eyes closed. For a moment I looked down at it. It wasn’t as big as James. It was much less intimidating. But somehow I wasn’t scared of him tearing my lips apart.

“Oh my gosh… I love you…” Chris gasped as he filled my mouth.

I crept up from the bottom and collapsed on top of his chest.

“I’m glad we did that,” I whispered softly as I landed my lips on his.

“So am I,” he answered as he wrapped his arms around me in a loving and safe embrace.

As his breath grew heavier, I thought to myself that this was the first time being with someone and sharing something so intimate that I didn’t have to cry myself to sleep. There was no pain. Only safety.