Behind Drawn Curtains

Chapter 19

I knew I was in trouble. I could feel my heart sinking and my stomach turning inside out. There he was, sitting and glaring at me, waiting for me to make the next move. Say the next word. Leaving the ball in my court. Would I be mean and justify what he was likely going to do to me next? Would I be nice and get out of here without being forced to the ground to do his bidding? I didn’t know what was going to happen next, and truthfully I did not want to find out.

I have wanted to die many times before in my life, but I have never wanted to die as much as I wanted to be swallowed by a never-ending dark abyss as at that very moment when his eyes looked at me with lighting flashing in them. I could barely take a step back out of the room as my breath caught in my throat and my hands trembled so much that I could not get them into my pockets to calm them down. Have you ever felt what it is like standing on a cliff and someone comes from behind and jokingly pushes you? It felt exactly like that. Like my blood went completely cold. Like the entire world was spinning. Like I would never feel true ground beneath my feet ever again. I have gotten so close to getting out, to getting away and now I was back here again, tempting fate and allowing the worst possible scenario to play out in front of me.

“You’re home.” I could feel the hallway wall pressed against my back as I backed up into it, waiting for James to jump of the bed and run after me, rip my clothing from my body and violate me to the point of no return. I knew it was coming, but the anticipation leading up to it was killing me.

“Yes E.J. I’m home,” James answered as he moved his position from laying back to sitting up straight on my bed, ready to jump on me at any given moment.

“I came to get my stuff,” I said, a little bit of bravery seeping into my otherwise cold body. If I was going down I would not make it easy for him. Not this time.

“So Chris is your little boyfriend, hey? Are you his little b***h?” James said with a sneer, his eyebrow moving so high that it might have become one with his hairline if his skin wasn’t so thick.

“No,” I answered. I had no boyfriend. I am nobody’s b***h. I am Elijah Jonathan. I am me. I belong to me. I do what I feel comfortable with. Nobody is going to force me to do anything from this moment on. I thought all of this, but somehow my tongue refused to comply and form the words that were spinning through my head.

“Not? So you did not let him f**k you?” James said with a smile as he stood up from the bed and moved closer to me. My entire brain was screaming to me to turn around and run for the hills, but somehow my body refused to move, just as my mouth refused to speak the words I was thinking.

I could feel James’ body getting closer and closer until he was pressed up against me, his lips against my left ear, now whispering.

“Did you tell him you were still a virgin as he f****d you? Told him to go slow did you? Maybe made a face of pain, acting like you don’t know how to ride a true stallion?”

I could feel his breath, sour on my skin. I wanted nothing more than to throw up on his feet but I swallowed it, knowing that the last thing I wanted was to make matters worse for myself. If I played it cool I might still have some way of escaping, but if James was infuriated enough there would be no way out for me.

“Did he tell you he loves you? Did you say it back? Did you allow him to do that thing I do that you like so much?”

It took everything inside me to swallow and not vomit right there and then.

“You’ve never done anything to me that I liked,” I whispered. I could feel my body shaking as the words slipped from my mouth, but I had to take a stand. It was now or never.

“Really?” James asked in mock confusion. I could feel his hand reaching for my crotch. Even as I moved my hand to keep his away he pushed me into the wall and kept me still, starting to palm my crotch, ignoring my hand that was trying his best to push his away.

“Don’t,” I mumbled, closing my eyes and hoping above all hope that my body would not respond, but it did.

“Something tells me you’re lying. You are enjoying this, aren’t you?” James whispered in my ear, his voice becoming raspy with every second his hand is lingering on me and my body keeps on responding to his touch.

“No!”

I had no idea where my strength came from, or where my voice had boomed from. It was a second of blackout and then there was James, on the floor, but he didn’t stay down for long. And I did not stay still either.

He had his hand on my shoulders before I could stop him, trying to force me into my room, while I had my hands on his shoulders, trying my best to steer him toward the stairs. Neither of us actually winning the fight, but neither of us making a sound either. James had realized that I was not being his b***h anymore. I could see it on his face, distorted as if he was ready to cry over losing the love of his life. It was in that moment that I knew he realized and I loosened my grip a little that he tried to flung me into my room, only I was too fast. I slammed my foot into the wall and pushed back at him.

I heard a thump, and another, and another, as I used all my strength left inside me to bang his head against the wall. Over and over and over again, until I could feel his grip loosening on my shoulders and his body going limp to the point where I had to hold him up in order to keep slamming him into the wall. His head swinging back and forth like a ragdoll from the force in which he was hitting the wall, bouncing away and then being swung back to the wall once more.

I never once realized the tears running down my face or the unholy screaming that was erupting from my body, filling the air around me with years of pain and sorrow and a need to die. All I realized was that it was ending. That the story was over. That he would never touch me again as long as I lived. That the pain would not be growing inside me anymore. I would not wake up with a sore throat again. I would be able to go to school without worrying about bruised marks on my arms showing the world what had been done to me. I would rely on me, and only me. I would not have a mother who does not see what is right in front of her. I would not have a brother that I would have to protect from a monster anymore. I would not have a stepfather that would come into my room and rape me to the point where I cannot even walk down the stairs without pain shooting through my body with every single step I take. I would be free. From this moment on I will be free.

“I’m free!” I yelled as I let go of his shoulders and allow him to fall to the ground, a mess of a person, a pathetic human being I am having mercy on by allowing him to live.

For a moment I felt tired as I looked down onto the face of the person who had caused me the most pain in my life. That gave me more pain than a person should ever give to another in one lifetime.

I allowed myself to grab hold of the wall behind me. The one that had a marking of blood plastered to the cream wallpaper that haunted me with what I had just done. Only then did I allow myself to sit down. Next to him. Not to see if he was still alive, only to rest. Only to know that I will be resting for the rest of my life from this moment on. Being myself. Calling the shots.

“You have used me for long enough,” I whispered to James. I wanted so bad for him to hear every word I was saying, but I knew I would never be able to say these words again if he was looking me in the eyes. “I do not belong to you anymore. I have never belonged to you. You have stolen every single piece of me that you have gotten. I have never enjoyed it. I was just too scared to say no most of the times, fearing that you would come up with an even worse punishment. But I see you for who you are now. Too pathetic to find real love, and too afraid to live without someone being there for you, even if you need to force them to love you through fear. I don’t hate you. I pity you. You are a terrible and pathetic excuse for a human.”

Only after I have poured out my heart to a man that could not even hear me did I get up from the floor and enter the room that held so many memories, so much pain, and way too many secrets.

I ran my palm over the paint the started to peel away from the wall, as if the wall was trying to dispel something horrible that was put onto it to make it something it was not. That was how I was feeling. I felt like I have finally started to strip away at the evil that coated my surface. The pretty, but dishonest layer of paint that made me seem the same as the rest of the world and at the same time made sure that I will never truly be known; always alone in this big empty space that we call a world.

Even though the room was filled to the brim with everything I could have ever wanted in my life, I could not see that I had that much. I remember the day I got the camcorder. It was the day after James had wanted me to sit on top of him the first time. I had to ride him and moan in pleasure otherwise he squeezed me really tight until I wanted to cry and collapse. I stood with the camcorder in my hand for a moment and then placed it back on the shelf. There was no place for those types of memories where I was going. It was time for a new fresh start. The old had to be left in the past if I had any chance of surviving.

Before I knew it both of the bags I packed was filled to the brim, and still I had not even taken one tenth of what was mine. All I took was what had no memories of him attached to them. I left behind every piece of clothing I had worn in the past when he defiled me, leaving me with very little left to wear in the days and weeks ahead of me. I didn’t know how I was going to survive just yet, but I knew there was no turning back anymore.

Looking back at my old room, which would never be mine again felt like a dream. Everything felt like a dream that took place to someone else a long time ago.

“Bye,” I whispered and allowed tears to fall from my face as I closed the door behind me and walked down the hallway one last time, careful not to step on James as I went. It was over. Everything was over.

As the front door latched and the sound of my feet on the gravel took me further and further away from the house of horrors I didn’t once look back. There was nothing left to see, and the past had nothing new to say.