Behind Drawn Curtains

Chapter 16

I smelled his scent before I felt his body on mine, pushing up inside me. The pain wasn’t as bad as usual. Maybe my body was really getting used to his size and being used over and over again.

“I love you,” he whispered in my ear. “Look me in the eye and tell me that you love me too.”

I forced my eyes to shut even more. I would not look at him. He could have my body, but there was no way that I would open the windows to my soul for him. There was no way that he would take and taint that as well. My soul was mine.

“Look at me.”

The urgency in his voice went in sync with the speed of his body, moving faster on top of me. His skin clinging to mine, his sweat smearing over my body that I scrubbed raw not that long ago, but still struggled to get him off.

“Look at me! Now!”

As I felt his body shiver on top of mine, leaving his shame inside me I opened my eyes, but it wasn’t James. It was…

“Chris!” I shouted as my body shot up in the bed. Covered in sweat and tangled up in the blanket that had a chocking grip on my body, like someone trying to wrestle me down.

“Yeah..?” I could hear the sleep in Chris’ voice as he struggled to sit up next to me in the bed.

“Sorry… Bad dream,” I mumbled, still trying to get my breath under control. “Go back to sleep.”

“You screamed my name,” Chris said as he switched on the bedside lamp which made me squint and wishing that my eyes would just instantly adapt to the light.

“I can’t remember,” I answered, not wanting to recall the dream or see the things that I had seen. If I could have had my way I would have been out of his bed in a second and taken a chance alone on the streets, but for now I couldn’t. I needed a safe place to hide.

“You’re lying E.J.”

“Yes,” I answered back. I didn’t know what made me tell him the truth.

“Was it about what has been done to you?” he asked, concern lingering in his eyes.

“Yeah.”

“Then why did you call my name?”

I wanted to tell him that curiosity killed the cat. That he was better off not knowing what was going on in my head. I wanted him to drop the entire subject all together.

“I wanted you to save me,” I decided to lie. There was no use in upsetting Chris even more than what I already had. It wasn’t fair to him. He has tried his best to be good to me. I could at least try and do the same for him.

“I’ll always be your hero,” Chris said with a smile, happy that he was the one I cried out for. “Now come here. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again.”

As he said it he pulled me closer to him, like a lover would pull the person they loved into an embrace. I had longed for this for such a long time. I have always wanted to just be in safe arms after I had a nightmare, but this just felt wrong. I knew when I rested my head against Chris’ chest that I was playing with fire. I was going to hurt him in the worst way possible. I didn’t want to touch him at all, because everything I ever touched turned into a pile of s**t. Chris was meant for bigger things. Someone who really deserved him. Not someone like me. Not someone who had done what I had done.

“I love you E.J,” he whispered into my hair as he stroked my back, trying his best to make me feel safe and secure.

“Please don’t say that,” I said softly, wanting above all not to be loved. Love meant getting hurt. It meant being raped over and over again. Love wasn’t something I wanted anymore. I certainly didn’t want it from men.

“Stay.”

He whispered it so softly that if I had exhaled at that moment I would not have heard him.

“I can’t,” I replied softly.

“Tell me what you did. What could be so horrible?”

“I gave myself to him. James,” I added the name to make sure there wasn’t any confusion.

“What do you mean?” Chris asked.

“I offered him s*x this morning. He didn’t have to take it from me. I offered it,” I replied.

“You asked him to have s*x with you? After everything he has done to you?” I could hear the shock in Chris’ voice.

“Yeah. I had a plan. I was hiding a knife. I wanted to kill him while he was raping me. But then I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill him. I just couldn’t take the knife and stab him to death.”

Tears started streaking down my face. I could see everything so clearly. It was playing of in front of my eyes, again and again and again; a never-ending loop of the biggest mistake of my life.

I could not help myself. So I told Chris. I told him every single horrible detail of what I had done…

He was standing there with his hair all messy. If I hadn’t known what a monster he was I might have thought that he was a handsome man. He had something about him in the mornings. Although the stubble was present, there was something boyish gleaming in his eyes. But this was the moment where it would end. The moment where I would see that little bit of a boy move out of his broken body after I have stabbed it to oblivion.

“Morning E.J. Slept okay...?”

All he could do was stare at my naked body sitting on the couch before him. I could see he was speechless, not knowing what to say or what to do. It took him a few moments to catch his breath, and it took me another few moments to go over my plan in my head one last time.

“What are you doing?” James asked as a grin started to play over his face.

“What do you think I am doing?” I said as I stroked myself for him to see, wanting to bring the monster out from inside him.

“I have waited so long for this day,” James said as he stepped closer, removing his clothing with every step he took toward me, until he was standing naked as the day he was born, his manhood at attention.

“Yeah,” I said, too nervous to say more, but moving my foot slightly, touching the hilt of the knife underneath the couch just to make sure it was still there. This was it.

“Come here,” James said, but instead of following his orders I went down on my knees, urging him to step forward.

This time he didn’t need to force himself into my mouth. I did it willingly and without a second of hesitation. I knew what was coming. This would be the last time anybody would ever suck on him. This would be the last time that he would ever feel pleasure in his life. This alone gave me the strength to do what I had to do.

As James threw his head back and moaned loudly, I felt with my hand for the knife, making sure it was there one last time, before I stopped my action on James and looked up to see him staring down at me.

I had expected to see his eyes full of hard hatred that he always had. I was prepared to see the rapist that would steal the innocence from a child. I needed to see the monster that he really was, but I was in for a surprise as he lowered himself to his knees, looking me right in the eyes while tears streamed down his face.

“I love you so much E.J,” he said as he cupped my face in his hands. “I have waited so long for us to truly be together. Just the two of us.”

His eyes didn’t have hatred in them. They were filled with love and adoration almost. They were moist and happy. They were everything I did not want to kill.

I could not say a word as he lowered me onto my back and spread my legs. I didn’t cringe as usual when he penetrated me in a loving and caring manner. I did not resist and he did not push. He treated me as a lover. Someone he truly cared for. The one thing I could not murder in cold blood. A monster I could kill, but someone just having the wrong idea of what love is was something I could not snuff out. Even though my hand reached for the knife the entire time I could not bring myself to pick it up and drive it into his heart. All I could do was lay there and take it.

When he was done he rolled off me and tried to catch his breath. After a few minutes of silence he said: “We can do something special tonight. Now that we are together at last I want to make things so special for you. I love you E.J.”

“You love me too much,” I replied before I stood up, grabbed my clothes and ran from the house.

“You had s*x with him without him having to force you?” I could hear the sadness and disappointment in Chris’ voice. I could hear the hurt and the blame, but I tried my best to ignore it.

“I wanted to kill him,” I said, the tears still streaming down my face. “But it backfired. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t. And now I can’t go home. I can’t resist him anymore. I will have to just take it. So I have to leave town. I need to disappear. Don’t you get it?”

“You actually had s*x with him. Like he is your boyfriend,” Chris muttered, making me feel worse than I already felt. “Is his c*m still inside you? Like, have you taken a shower?”

“No,” I answered as Chris showed me away from his chest.

“No, what?” he asked. There was something cruel in Chris’ voice.

“No, I haven’t taken a shower.” I could feel the stinging in my eyes, the tears that refused to stop running over my cheeks.

“You f*****g disgust me,” Chris said as he stood up from the bed. “You are a f*****g slut. Sleeping with your stepdad. I mean, come on! Here I am. I actually love you. I don’t ask you for s*x. I don’t ask you for anything except that you love me, but you turn me down. But him, the f*****g guy who rapes you… You f*****g willingly have s*x with him. What the f**k E.J.?”

“I’m not gay,” I said as a sob ripped through my body. Everything that Chris was saying was true. But I had a plan. I had a plan to take revenge and it backfired.

“You willing had s*x with a guy! That makes you a f*****g faggot E.J.!” Chris yelled while he towered above me and tears started to form in his eyes. “What does it take for you to love someone!? Should I leave a f*****g fifty on the nightstand!?”

“Please Chris…” I begged, but even that came out like a hoarse cry through the sobs.

“Just get out! Get out of my sight! Go and have a shower! You are not staying in this bed with that dirt in you!” he yelled as he yanked the duvet that I was holding up to my chin away from me.

“There!” he said as he threw a towel in my general direction before he stormed out of the room, leaving me alone with just a towel, and my tears.

When I calmed down a bit a left his bed for the bathroom to clean every bit of James from my body. Not because Chris had told me to do so, but because he was right. I was a disgusting little slut.