The Love I Never Had

Chapter 5

Neverland

"Bakit ka ba sunod ng sunod?"

Napakamot lang siya sa ulo habang nakatungo sa buhanginan. I arched an eyebrow and turned around, wala akong balak makipag inisan ngayon sakanya. I'm hurting right now, and this is not the perfect time to talk to anybody else.

"Saan ka pupunta, Fray?" Napahinto ako ng bigla niya akong tinanong, nararamdaman kong sumusunod siya sa akin. Hindi ko siya sinagot at nagpatuloy na lamang sa paglalakad.

"Pag-ibig, saan ka pupunta?" Tanong ulit nito sa akin, ngunit hindi ko parin siya sinasagot. Nanatili lamang nakatikom ang aking bibig hanggang sa marating namin ang tagong lugar ng dalampasigan, medyo nag-aagaw narin ang dilim at liwanag pero wala akong pakialam. I just wanted some air. I want to breathe. And I want to lessen the pain inside me. I sat on the edge of the huge rock and closed my eyes. I felt him settled beside me. Hindi siya nagsalita ng ilang segundo at hinayaan ang katahimikan sa pagitan naming dalawa. Nanatiling nakapikit lamang ang mga mata ko at pilit na binubura ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.

I remember how I used to do this when I learnt about their relationship. Noong una ay masaya ako para kay Ada--that was when we're not yet introduced to each other. Nakakabaliw lang, how did we ended up liking the same man? Bakit ang lupit ng tadhana? Eustace was the first man in my life. I was fifteen when I first met him. Pero we never became an item, because I was too young back then. Sabi niya ay hihintayin niya ako. But he left. He went to US, at noong nagbalik nga siya ay sila na ni Ada. I didn't even know that he was the guy she was referring to back in New York, sabi pa nga niya ay whirlwind romance ang nangyari sakanila. That guy she met was perfect in her eyes, though I find him the most terrible asshole living on earth--he got her virginity nang ganon ganon na lang. Pinagsabihan ko si Ada pero hindi siya nakinig. She's madly in love with Eustace. At wala na akong nagawa pa kundi hayaan sila.

I sighed. Bakit ganoon?

"Are you done realizing that he's no good afterall?" Napapitlag ako ng biglang nagsalita si Yulo. I almost forgot that he's just beside me.

I opened my eyes, only to figure that his face was just an inch away from mine. Hindi ako nagulat, nakipagtitigan lang ako sakanya, trying to study his deep brown eyes.

"Why are you always tailing me, Yulo?" I murmured, halos hangin nalang ang lumabas sa bibig ko, nakatiig lang siya sa akin, his expression's blank.

"I don't know" sagot niya, na halos hindi na gumalaw ang kanyang bibig,

"You should know. Ang weird mo" sabi ko, while staying in that very compromising position. Isang galaw nalang ay maglalapat na ang mga labi namin. I wonder why I'm not fidgeting while his hands are on my either sides. Dapat ay sumisigaw na ako sa inis. But I can't feel any hatred nor irritation towards him right at this moment.

"I want to comfort you" muli ay sumagot siya, but I looked away. Itinulak ko siya ng bahagya na siya namang ikinapitlag niya.

"I don't need your sympathy" I crossed my arms and plastered a blank impression on my face.

"I am not sympathizing, it is called emphatizing" he sat down beside me and settled his eyes on the sunset.

"Why? Do you have any experience regarding this matter? Have you been ditched before?" I peered at him

He sighed and and smiled bitterly. "Experience? Maybe. But I'm the one to be blamed why she left me. I was left broken. I took all the vices and even tried to kill myself"

Napanganga ako sa mga rebelasyon niya, hindi ako makapaniwala. Hindi siya ang unang maiisip kong gagawa ng mga bagay na iyon. He's cool and nice. Makulit nga lang.

"how d-did you got over her?" I found myself quizzing him, he glanced at me and grinned, but the beast inside him was still visible in his eyes. He's still hurt and taunted.

"Sinanay ko ang sarili kong wala na siya sa tabi ko, The pain was bearable, but the memories--it already lingered. Mahal ko pa siya, pero tinanggap ko na ang katotohanan na hindi kami ang para sa isa't isa" sabi niya na ang mga mata'y nakatuon lang sa akin. They're both lost. He's too close that I can't even breathe normally.

"Why are you telling me these things?" Tanong ko ulit. Bumuntong hininga siya at ibinalik ang mga paningin sa payapang tubig dagat.

"I can see myself in you. You are hurting but you chose to hide it yourself. You are selfless and stupid at the same time"

Napataas ang kilay ko sa huling nabanggit niya, but then I laughed bitterly.

"Stupid" napatungo ako at umiling iling "oo ang tanga ko lang, salamat ha? You always point out the obvious" tatawa tawa ko pang sabi habang siya naman ay nakatuon parin ang paningin sa payapang dagat.

"Kung hindi ko imumulat ang mga mata mo, mananatili kang bingi at bulag sa paligid mo. You thought you'd already given up on him, pero hindi. You are still hoping for a chance to have him for yourself. kahit itanggi mo iyan ng paulit ulit sa sarili mo.. Fray, mahal mo siya at gusto mo parin siyang makasama"

Kung naiba lang ang sitwasyon ay baka naglanding na ang mga palad ko sa mukha niya. But I was stunned by the mere fact that he's telling the truth.

"Yulo. . ."

Tumingin siya sa akin "we are not friends, we are not blood related but I can feel your heartbeat. You are weak and helpless Fray" sabi pa nito.

"Tama na. ." I wanted to slap his mouth but I can't do that right now. Totoo naman ang mga sinasabi niya. I am already helpless.

"You are confused because you ditch him, withstanding the fact that you can't let him go that easy. You are disturbed because everything's been pretty messed up around you"

"YULO! Ano ba!" Tumayo na ako at tumalikod na sakanya. My tears went down my face and started to chase one after another. Ikinuyom ko ang pareho kong palad at humakbang papalayo sakanya. Hindi ko naramdamang sumunod siya sa akin, nanatili lang siya sa pwesto namin kanina, madilim narin at malamig na ang samyo ng hangin na dumadapo sa balat ko. Napahalukipkip ako. Didiretso nalang ako ng cottage ko at doon magmumukmok.

"Fray!"

Narinig kong may sumigaw sa likuran ko, but I didnt bother looking back. Sa sandaling nakakasama ko siya ay kabisado ko na ang boses niya.

"Do you want anything to drink? My treat?!" Sigaw pa nito, napahinto ako sandali ng hindi humaharap sakanya, hanggang sa naabutan niya ako.

He was catching his breath while his hands were rested on his knees. He glanced up at me after a while and smiled "im sorry if I had bruised you with my words, I thought you'll be needing that" sabi pa nito.

I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms above my chest.

"Where are you taking me?" Tanong ko dito ng hindi pinapansin ang huli niyang sinabi.

Dumretso na siya ng tayo at lumapad pa ang pagkakangiti

"I'll be bringing you to neverland where realities are revised and edited"