BATTLING FEARS

I still had Vixen until...

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You All Think Only Phobias Or Unpredictable Situations Gives One Those Scary,chill and unsatisfying

feeling. Well, nope.If you have anxiety, that’s like twice the discomfort. You get to battle this situation

everyday and this is definitely not funny at all. I never had many friends growing up. Despite that, the

news of my fiend being backstabbed and embarrassed in front of the entire school by her so called cousin made my trust issues rather worse. I am an only child to my parents. As usual, I was over

protected, filled up with the horrible menace happening in the real world and getting rid of everything as in every bit of fate I had in humanity. As in, imagine your parents just telling you about how thousands of people are killed every day or how the government ignores the starving children how on earth will you have faith in people with such news entering your head every single day.

“Madam Bisi's daughter went to school and never came back!” I remember my mum tell me one

Saturday morning as I did my English assignment.

“With this bad government and ritual killing everywhere, I am sure they can’t find her” My dad argued with a stern stare.

“Dad, it’s possible she was kidnapped. They will contact her parents and ask for ransom. She will be

fine” I suggested looking up from my textbook.

“Such an innocent brain our daughter has. You think it’s only kidnappers that kidnap children abi?

Haven’t you heard of Brother Gideon who kidnapped his cousin and ripped her intestine up or Mrs

Paulina the pastor’s wife who killed her husband and his concubine before fleeing the apartment. Till

now no one knows where she is. How do you expect one to have fate in government with such a

menace of a Society”…I hope you now understand where my social anxiety came from.

I promised myself to be careful with who to trust and be more selective with friends. But who exactly

am I to trust. How can I know ones interior motives? Perhaps never! I mean Merida trusted Becky, Jane

and Loretta before they reported her p**n addiction to the school. They were friends for two good

years. Human beings are naturally cruel and selfish. Whoever you trust is at your own risk. I assure you

that.

Growing up though, I thought college would change my life. I expected to find it difficult to mix up with

other students and socialize due to my social issues but I was wrong. No one cared about my social

anxiety, in fact they all acted nice and supportive towards me. Were this the same people that ought to

be menace to the society. Now I am confused. Or was it actually the truth that everyone is different and

there were still good people in this world. Were they only pretending though? All these questions ran

countless times in my head as the other college students interacted freely with me and helped me speak

with some lecturers I couldn’t speak with. With time my perspective toward the world changed and I

began having faith in humanity.

During my matriculation, I meant a cool guy Vixen who tends to be one of the reason why I viewed the

world less of a war zone. His confidence, laughter completely blew me off. How was he able to do that?

His contradicting character got me really impressed. When he’d approached me during the break

though, my face froze and I could barely speak or blink. I wanted to walk away immediately but

couldn’t because my legs chose to fail me at that moment.

“It’s fine. My sister has anxiety too” He told me with a smile. “Hi. I am Vixen. I am a pretty cool guy.

Really sexy as well” He flirted with a wink flexing his muscle. I smiled and felt an instant calmness.

Realizing he was not a threat, I had put out my hands for a handshake. At that moment, we instantly

became friends. Vixen was one of the biggest advantages that had ever happened to me in college. If

not only college, but my life in a whole. Him coming into my life changed my life in so many tremendous ways I wouldn’t have ever imagined unless I get a fortune teller to help me with the prediction. You know the saying that goes as thus “There is a reason for everyone’s presence in your life.”, well his presence was heavily impactful.

“Just see those you don’t wish to talk to as temporary friends. Greet them today and you’re never see

them again. I mean probably never see them again” He had advised me as we walked toward the sport complex.

“What if I see them again? Then what?”

“Simple. Greet them hoping you don’t see them again. With time you will probably find something

interesting in them and initiate a conversation yourself. You see! Simple psychology. You’re probably

getting your brain comfortable with speaking with them by just responding to their greeting repeatedly”

I chuckled hearing this. It sounded easy for him but never for me. If only life worked that way.

My first semester in Brekley college as an actress wasn’t so bad. We had covered mainly courses on

languages and art and a little history. There was no sign of us diving deep into acting aspect yet. Each

time my mum asked why I chose acting despite my social anxiety, I told her I just loved acting. I mean, I

won’t let anxiety ruin that love for me. Nothing can. It’s just a temporary meeting. They will all leave.

“Are you sure you can handle the number of cameras in front of you while you kiss strange men you might be obliged to kiss?” One of my high school friends had asked.

“Let’s see” I responded with a shrug. “You never know what could happen”

Vixen on the other hand was into law. Though our courses were totally different, we do meet during

general courses or after our classes every lecture week. Law was the best choice of course for this young

man because he could argue a controversial issue to its core and still give it up with a simple

statement.

“You know the truth”, That ends the argument. I mean, only a fool argues with the truth right? Vixen

had told me he was a really controversial and stubborn strong headed kid growing up. He never started

an argument and accept defeat that easily. Even though he was wrong, he’d always find a way to climb

up to victory with the most honest procedure. There was this time he was five and his dad decided he

stay with his aunt for a week while he travels on a business trip. Due to his dislike for her, he refused his

dad reporting she brought so many men into her home with a request for cheese and butter as she claimed. His dad got disgusted by this. Well, she was caught two days later by my dad red handed on the bed with a two men she’d claim came to help repair her ceiling fan or perhaps brought her some cheese and butter. Who uses cheese and butter together anyways?

“Thanks for escorting me to my hostel Vixen. I really appreciate this” I thanked him as we both stopped

in front of my hostel after our evening class.

“It’s fine. You just have to hang out with the right people"

“Right. I just hope I find a great boyfriend who will certainly conquer the evil in this world alongside with

me” I said sarcastically.

“You will definitely find one. You’re young and beautiful gal. There will be guys flocking round you in no

time” This words were suppose to make me feel good right? No. They definitely didn’t. “Bye girl yo!” he

waved at me as he joined his other friends who waited at the entrance. I slowly walked into the building

feeling my love story end before it even starts. I was very sure I had been friend-zoned. You must be

wondering why the words had no positive impact on me. Well, try and get me okay. He was a guy who

gets me, who really understands my kind of person. How many guys do I come across who make me feel

welcomed, homely, calm, safe…I haven’t seen a guy who has made me feel so much comfort the way

Vixen makes me feel. There is no way I won’t find him fascinating and get attracted to him. Unfortunately

life isn’t a fairy tale so he never fell for me, that I think though because he was already into someone

else. Yes I know! It hurts a lot.

Few days later during a lecture, Vixen had come along with this tall beautiful flawless skinned lady who I

had never seen before. I learnt from one of my few friends, she was in his department and they were

basically dating each other. The way they exchanged gazes and caressed each other fingers as they

walked hand in hand infuriated me a lot. What was wrong with my looks exactly? I could possibly be in

that lady’s place right now. I mean, I certainly could be. I sounded really selfish to myself as I prayed they

both break up and he comes back to me. He was just my close friend though but I wanted more. I

needed more. But then thinking deeper about this, I realized I saw Vixen as a slave and not just a friend.

Yes, he was my close friend but his life doesn’t revolve round mine. He has all the right to fall in love and

be with whoever he wanted. Our paths don’t even cross. After the lecture that morning, I went to throw

a gum wrapper in the garbage bin only to hear two students making out with each other. Curious to know

who though, I peeked and saw them together having their hands all over each other, Yuck! I shouldn’t

have seen that. From then on, I kept my distance from him. I know I was immature and stupid but my

jealousy couldn’t help but ruin this beautiful friendship for me. Vixen often got confused wondering

why we never spoke to each other anymore and why I made excuses when he chooses to hang out with

me. He tried so many times to confirm what he had done but I had refused to give him a response to

this. Few days later, I caught sight of him in the volleyball court with the ball in his hands looking really

dull. Wondering if to approach him or not, I finally chose to and sat beside him in brief silence. He

wasn’t impressed seeing me.

“So you chose not to avoid me this time” He told me coldly.

“I was never avoiding you. I have just been busy with so many…”

“Yes, I know. You have gotten so busy for me, Well, why aren’t you busy now?”

“Vixen please stop! I don’t lihrke when we argue like this, Why are you been so mean all of a sudden?”

“Maybe you did not realize how mean you were when you chose to avoid me. You have no idea what

has been happening in my life for the past two weeks you were gone” 

“What happened Vixen?” I asked curiously.

“Louisa cheated on me. I saw her with my own two eyes. She cheated on me with my best friend

Rodrigo” He reported with anger.

“What? Wow…that’s…that’s really a lot. I didn’t realize…”

“I needed your emotional support, I needed someone to share things with but where were you

exactly…you were too busy with your own stuff. Maureen, it’s really true that you never realize your

true friends until you are stranded and in need of support. You just proved that to me. You of all

people. You ignored my calls…”

“It’s not like that Vixen”

“You know what I found out Maureen? You have been avoiding me because you were jealous of her”

“What?...No…it’s not like that”

“You’re jealous I was spending so much time with her so you just bailed. You had let your insecurities

get a hold of you. You didn’t trust me”

“Vixen hear me out please. I was not jealous…okay maybe I was a little jealous but what do you expect,

you were spending so much time with her”

“How? She was my girlfriend. Did you expect me to leave her to spend time with you? Wait… you thought

my life revolved round you alone”

“Vixen no…”

“I am done with this. I have had enough of this, Our friendship is over”

“No please. I need you…”

“You don’t appreciate whatever I have done for you. You don’t deserve me” At this words he walked off

tossing the volleyball into the court. I could watch my confidence and friendship walk along with him. He

was the only reason why I was able to speak confidently to many people. How could I do this without

him? That night I couldn’t sleep. The thought of what to do battled me a lot,

“Tell him the truth. Tell him you have feelings for him” My roommate advised. I knew I can’t. it would

only make things worse. I had no idea what else to do and ended up texting him a long apology letter

stating I was sorry and needed a second chance. I never got a response. 

READERS OPINION: Should i confess what i feel to him? What would you have done in my place?