BATTLING FEARS

Facing fears

It was really annoying realizing the rain decided to fall during the night of the drama especially when all the actors and directors were ready for the big show. I took one more look at my make up on a glass window and rushed toward the backstage entrance to sneak a peek at the entrance. There were just few guest seated at the empty auditorium seats. The rain had restrained most guests from coming early. It was very obvious to me we would start later than the said time anyway. I walked back toward the costume room to meet the other actors who were busy babbling about how much they couldn't wait to act before the special guest. 

"Maureen, ensure you introduce me very well. In fact introduce me as the star of the show" Priscilia the second leading actress, had said to me slinging to my arm with her usual pleading, enticing voice. 

"I don't think i am allowed to say beyond what's given to me on the memo" I had informed her showing her a piece of paper containing what i was to say during the meetup. 

"Lame. Why don't they just let you say whatever you want? I mean, it will make the conversation flow and make you sound less like a robot" Priscilia nagged, letting go of my hands before letting out a hiss. Perhaps she had no idea this was a great opportunity for me not to think so much about what to say. The thought of me just getting into the conversation and speaking within the script given without thinking much of the right words to use or whatever to say gave me a little more hope. I watched the students walk out of the costume room to catch a glimpse of the incoming guests who were beginning to troop into the hall. The rain has already reduced so it's very possible, people are beginning to come out of their homes. My phone beeped. There was a message from Florence. 'Hey girl! I was able to bring him with me. We are both at the middle role presently. I didn't tell him about you though but he seemed really excited attending this drama night anyways. Almost like he was hoping to see someone. I am not sure. Don't forget to break a leg and make us proud. He might be upset with me but please do me the justice to prove him wrong about you'. 

I sighed. Perhaps this is it. 

"We will be starting the show in 15 minutes. Get yourself ready" The director informed me barging into the room without thinking twice about my privacy. I sneered but nodded anyway. 

***

The acting started fine...well at first. I was so busy saying my lines and doing what I was told that I wasn't able to pay attention to the guests or search well for my friends in the crowd. The hall was filled with so many guests, way too many that I can't count. The first drama named "Take me or Leave me!" started where I played a less tedious role. In this drama, I was a friend to Priscilia who was the leading actress in the one and did most of the acting. My only scenes were involving advising her not to open her heart to the drunk boys who cared not about her and also the scene involving taking her back in as a friend after abandoning our friendship to follow her own path. Those were the only two roles i had to play and i assure you, in this two roles i didn't think about looking toward the audience because...well, that was going to be a bad idea. I knew staring at the crowd would get me really tensed up and trigger a stage fright. So i tried not to look at the audience. It was very easy for me to escape this one because I wasn't the focus of attention but the next drama turned out to be the worst I had ever done in my life. It was a monologue drama from the popular story 'Dream Of Glass' involving a one character woman. This woman was supposed to be one who had a dream of becoming a clairvoyant and changing the lives of thousands of people.  During rehearsals I had played this role perfectly fine because I was acting before those I was familiar with and was facing thousands of empty seats with no soul in sight. That had deceived me a great deal giving me a false hope on how easy this was going to be. Now I was before the guests. Guests from far and wide who were ready to watch what I was capable of doing after months of rehearsing. I took a big gulp of saliva as I heard the host call me onto the stage. 

"Remember to focus on the audience… you are interacting with them, pouring out your desire and aspiration to change the lives of people. Do not mess this up" I heard the president say as he tapped me nicely on the shoulder. I managed to nod. Did I even mean the nodding? What if I mess it up anyway? I walked onto the stage and waited for the instrumentals to end before I began. My eyes went straight onto the stage and my legs froze. My eyes had turned white and my heart raised. I was unable to reprimand what was going on anymore. My legs began to tremble. I wasn't sure anyone noticed this because they had their focus on the instrumentalist playing. As soon as he was done playing, everyone focused their attention on me waiting for me to say something. I tried saying a word but nothing came out. The microphone trembled alongside with my shaking hands. It was at this moment things got kind of...you know...awkward. This became one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I'd feel like crying because at that moment I was already getting very overwhelmed. 

"Yo! Gal! We trust you!" I heard a familiar voice scream from the audience and then a clap. I knew who that was. It was Vixen. I got really perplexed at the sound of his voice. I never expected him to even want to hear my name after this. 

"Yes Maureen! Go girl!" I heard Florence scream out next and then clap alongside Vixen. Soon other audience joined in and this got me pretty emotional and glad due to the positive support. I took a deep breath focusing on myself to relax and began. 

'It's just for tonight Maureen...this moment won't come by again'

****

All the guests began leaving the hall as soon as the whole event ended. Florence joined me off stage and pulled me close for a hug screeching with joy. 

"Thank you so much Florence. I would have died with embarrassment if you and Vixen hadn't supported me like that" 

"It's alright. It's fine. What are friends for if not to be there for each other? You seemed really zoned out. It was as if your mind wasn't there anymore. I definitely had to bring you back" 

"I will repay you anyhow'"

"Come on stop it. Don't embarrass me now. By the way, did you invite your therapist?" 

"I did but she is working on a shift today. She wasn't able to make it* I said with an indifferent look. I was really glad sh hadn't showed up. How embarrassed i would have been acting like that before her despite 7 months of therapy with her. 

"It would have been great if she had seen you like that. Then she would have known how to really help you do better. I mean real life scenarios kind of help with the best remedies instead of fantasy" Did this lady just read my mind and choose to oppose it? I thought with a disappointed look. I had embarrassed myself in front of thousands of guests today. I wasn't ready to embarrass myself before my therapist. As I discussed it with Florence, I caught sight of Vixen joining us as he walked away from the director who he had walked in with. He still looked as good looking as ever, the only difference was that i hadn't felt the butterflies in the belly kind of feeling anymore. It was more like I had lost interest in him romantically but still cared about him as a friend. 

"Vixen I am sorry for…" I tried apologizing but he had cut me short by holding my hands in his with a smile.