Where Stars Fall

Sunsets and Old Flames

The car ride was remarkably silent from then on, and I leaned back, my head clouded. It felt like smoke and white fumes in front of my eyes, and I wondered what Nikolai thought. If he heard me, like I knew he had, what did he think of me?

I shook my head as we came to a stop in front of Matthew and Nikolai's home.

"We are here," Nikolai announced as he turned to his brother.

"Thank you, and be back early. Dinner is by six thirty."

"Yes, sir," Nikolai replied, causing Matthew to laugh. The door opened, and Matthew stepped out. For a moment, it was just I and Nikolai in the car as Matthew went around to open the door for me.

Nikolai slowly turned to me, his eyes holding mine, darting across both of mine. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, and I so desperately needed to.

"You are..." I trailed off, my voice leaving me under the alluring warmth of his gaze. "You are still just as handsome as I remember you."

His eyes thinned, and he watched me, his lips lightly parting. Maybe if the door hadn't opened right then, maybe if Matthew had given us one more minute, no, one more second, maybe... just maybe...

"Thank you," Nikolai said simply, his eyes dark, hooded, unreadable.

He had sleepy, dead eyes that made it even worse to get through to him, and I swallowed, biting down on my lip.

I turned away, my chest lightly heaving from the proximity, my heart doubting its own stance.

I and Matthew watched as the car zoomed away, and I watched it a little too intently for someone who should be in love with the man beside her.

"What do you think of him?" Matthew suddenly asked.

I swallowed. Of course, I couldn't really say it. But I thought he remained as physically beautiful as he had been ten years ago. But the light in his eyes was gone.

"He is okay. He obviously cares for you."

Matthew nodded, going into another one of his rants again. But my eyes stayed focused on Nikolai, even though there was no longer anything of him in front of me, except for the image of his eyes that stuck in my mind.

I heaved a small sigh as my mum pulled Matthew in for a hug once he walked out the door. She had become even closer to him ever since Aunt Sally died two years ago.

I swallowed. I remember wondering if Nikolai would come. Pretty bad of me since Matthew had been depending on me for comfort, but I couldn't help it.

"Iris. You don't look so good."

I looked up, then slowly shook my head. "I just... I am just a bit tired."

She thinned her eyes, and I swallowed, avoiding her gaze.

"She must be nervous since Nikolai will be coming over for dinner later."

My mum looked at me, then back to Matthew. "Your elder brother that you told me about, right?"

He nodded. "He went off to do some things, but he will be back later."

My mum looked up to me again, then gave a small knowing smile. "Weirldy, I remember how he did not turn up for Iris' ninth birthday."

Matthew chuckled. "He does not even remember it. He got into a huge fight with mum and left immediately after, so he could have shut the memory away."

I swallowed, then turned away. "Excuse me."

Matthew started to say something, but mum pulled him with her to the kitchen to help in making dinner. It was his favourite chore since he got to rant all he could.

I closed the door to my room and leaned on it for a moment, my eyes closing. My heart was a treacherous little b***h, and it was trying to show me that with full force.

I headed for the shower and slowly went bare under it, my eyes closing. Nikolai's voice, his eyes, the three seconds of pure electricity that had passed from his hand to mine...

I swallowed, leaning to the floor. I shouldn't be doing this to myself. He was a different person. I am, too. I had been a foolish nine year old. Was I really going to let that nine year old ruin a friendship, a relationship, or a family? Was I going to let her control how I feel?

I got out of the shower, my hands adjusting the robe around me. My mum was sitting on the bed, holding one of my older diaries. Her legs were crossed, and she sifted through the pages, a small smile on her face.

"Mum," I said, walking up to her.

She looked up, then closed the diary and kept it on her side. "When I first read this diary, do you remember what I told you?"

I bit down on my lips. "Yes."

She nodded. "Repeat it to me."

I bit down on my lips even harder, my fists clenching. "You said that I was feeding the attraction. That if..."

"If you stop feeding it, you will outgrow it. You were nine. Senseless. You knew nothing about men or love or attraction. Seeing you right now... you obviously didn't take that advice."

I closed my eyes. "Mum."

"How does it make you feel, Iris? Looking at Matthew, and then thinking of his brother? Does it make you feel any human?"

"Mum!" I said, my chest heaving. "You cry about dad every single night, and it has been over..."

"That is different! He died. It was out of my control!"

"You think I am doing this because I want to? You think I spend nights and days thinking about Nikolai while I date his brother?"

My lips lightly quivered, and I swallowed, my chest heaving, my eyes closed. I sighed, shaking my head.

I started to walk away when my mum started to talk again.

"Just think of how wrong it will be, Iris. Just think of how Matthew would feel being dashed over because you couldn't get over a childish flame. Because you couldn't grow up."

My lips parted as I walked to the window, holding on to the sill, my eyes closed. She was saying the truth. I was being stupid. But still. Still.

Just looking at this window reminded me of all of those days I had stayed looking out to the room I had seen Nikolai in. I had thought it was Matthew's room before that, but after realizing it stayed close ever since Nikolai left, I knew it was Nikolai's.

I heard my mum leave, a small exasperated sigh leaving her lips as she closed the door.

I closed my eyes tight, then slowly opened them. The curtains were between us, and I slowly opened them, my eyes ready to meet yet another disappointment. Ready to meet another absence.

The gradually setting sun streamed in through the now open windows, and my lips parted as I took in the situation in front of me.

Nikolai was sitting shirtless on the window, one knee propped up, so his hand rested on it. Between the index and middle fingers of his hand was a burning cigarette. His eyes were closed, and my lips parted, my chest heaving with tears.

Half of his body was covered in tattoos, his hair falling in front of his eyes, his chest rising and falling slowly.

Suddenly, he turned to me, his brows furrowing, as he took me in.

"Nikolai..." I started to say, just as the door opened behind me.

I turned swiftly, just as Matthew walked in, a small smile on his face. I pulled back the curtains to close Nikolai off from us, my eyes wide.

"Aunt Meghan let me come here. Are you okay?"

I nodded as he came to me, then wrapped his hands around me, pulling me into his familiar embrace.

"I love you," he whispered in my ear, then placed a small kiss on my neck.

I couldn't bring myself to say it back, knowing that if I did, it wouldn't be meant for him.