Burnout

SAVANNAH'S FLASHBACK

"LOOKING SO BUMMED THERE SAVVY," Lochan teased, overly dragging the last syllable of my nickname. He was sitting on his front porch, smoking as usual and trying to pest the hell out of me. Most people say that Lochan is this modern day James Dean and I find that fairly agreeable. He certainly got his looks with his thick eyebrows, brooding eyes with his lips that never failed to look attractive with a cigarette. He pretty much rode the compliments people shower him and even had a pompadour cut and wore more vintage clothes. Lochan is this beautiful boy that women would die for as well as model agencies that are willing to invest on him but he was never, and will never be- as what he claims, into entertainment or advertisement.

I sat beside him on the wooden floor of their porch. "I am not bummed and will never be." Lochan knew me since middle school and he's pretty much the person I talk to whenever the universe rejects to listen to me. He knew my secrets- all of them to be exact and that is probably the reason why he can easily decode my facial expressions, my language, and my emotions because he knows what's under.

"You are," He said, hurling a cigarette butt which landed on the grass just below their porch. There was now a pile of cigarette butts and even when I remind him to stop doing it, he never did so I just let him be. "Alright," I breathed out, rolling my eyes. The sight of it made him laugh.

"Malcolm dumped me," I confessed although I wasn't used to letting all my emotions out to vent on somebody in as much as I never want to hear my own voice confessing how pathetic I am. Malcolm is the only guy I ever loved all my life the guy which I secretly had everything planned out in the future.

"Should I be unhappy?" Lochan spat out. I scoffed. "You know, this is why I don't tell anyone at all. Forget it. I'm fine." But my insides were telling me that it's not, and it's so tedious to let go. Both of his eyebrows rose once he saw my reaction, he lifted his palms in defense. "I'm sorry, I was just kidding. Why, though?"

"He said I was too dragging, a major c**k-block on his dream just because he passed on that stupid f*****g University and I don't even plan on anything at all," I said in a rough manner as I kicked an invisible rock. "You know, I wonder why everyone has this whole f*****g respect on people who has a degree, why is there even a stupid notion that everyone should get a degree to earn a living and just die? Why not just f*****g respect everyone like Estelle," I rambled. I could see his eyes pressed onto me, as what I've deciphered it seemed as though my rambling fascinates him.

"You have a point though, what's with Estelle?" He curiously asked, fishing for his pack of cigars in his pocket.

"Don't you know that Estelle is a star of the night? She deserves respect too for working at a shabby bar as a pole-dancer! It takes talent to give men a standing ovation." I said.

"You are such a horrible friend, Sav." He shook his head, chuckling. "Ugh, just kidding. But I told her not to be ashamed despite the gossips that are spreading in the air that she already has crabs because it's pole-dance you know, and dancing is still art, a passionate and very sensual kind of art."

"Now that's a good friend," Lochan smiled making the James Dean resemblance really evident on his face with his crinkling eyes and huge dimples. "But let's go back to Malcolm; he's such an asshole, isn't he?" I sighed. I didn't know if it was right to call him an asshole, I mean he's just a man who doesn't see the wife in me because I am this stagnant piece of s**t who doesn't have dreams in life.

"I guess I'm just tired," All of a sudden, his eyes dropped and so did mine. "Tired of what?"

"Being like this," I shrugged. He placed a cigarette between his lips, lit it up and inhaled which made him looked more eased than a while ago. "Tired of s**t too, tired of going back and forth to my mom and dad's house, I mean... what's the f*****g point you know, they both have new families now and what am I supposed to do, be the extra?" I moved closer to him and rubbed circles on his back softly.

"If you're sick of s**t Sav, come join us. We'll be heading to Bayhedge at Colton's Lake-house to plan for a runaway," He said, almost sharply as he exhaled a thick coat of smoke.

I hate how my involvement on this was just sparked by an obnoxious breakup. But it wasn't just a breakup to me. Have you ever undergone how it feels like to have this single thing to hold onto when everything else is just plain s**t- That was Malcolm to me, he's the only man I ever trusted with all my heart if you set Lochan aside, but he now woke up from the thought that he cannot settle for how stagnant I am, how much I lack life and I respect that because I know that already- that I am this piece of s**t who couldn't find her place in this world because her father is a pedophile and her mother committed suicide because of it and I just couldn't find sufficient energy to keep myself going. I know, Malcolm deserves more than a girl who is too emotional, too dead and too dreamless. From that day, Lochan became my wonder wall and my keeper and it kills me to remember that out of nine, there are only four people left alive.