Burnout

They say you only live once so make sure to have the time of your life. That’s exactly what we believed. Always look for the gold in the grime and it is something that we clearly followed; like a hardcore life mantra that always tells us to look for the silver lining since we don't get that much. I think we dove too deep on the grime to look for the gold until we, ourselves became the grime too. But even up to death, we still had our own imaginings- no one dared to lose their grip even on the thinnest thread that will soon snap any moment from now. Perhaps I am the only one who dropped my desires after this night happened and it’s utterly unwarranted that all of their burdens have to be pressed down on my back for they are too fixated on what they want and what they need. Nobody dared to share the heaviness it grounded; perhaps, it was for the reason that we all believed that we are already dead inside, that we are just lost souls wandering in the dark with our gut subtly decaying. Nobody gave a damn at all, but me, standing outside of this stupid shabby motel we found along the road, shuddering because of the cold, bending my nails, biting it as if it was f*****g food to me, scratching my arms, my thighs as I paced back and forth trying to get rid of the image inside my mind. Fury and agitation can be quite dangerous. It makes me want to just pull out an ax and smash their doors and head for they are so peaceful, so undisturbed and I want them to be as uneasy as I am right now. Even the calmest sea has the power to create the biggest tidal waves. It was something my father used to tell me when he was thinking about my silence and how much I want to keep it untouched. My father used to be so full of wisdom and I remembered each and every compelling statement he told me, I planted it within me and watered it incessantly for it is the last evidence that he was once a wise man before he started to become so full of s**t and started screwing young girls as he even reached the extent where he sent me away because he couldn’t stop himself from getting a hard-on inflicted by the sight of me. I never spoke a word. I was sent to my aunt who looked all fine, peaceful, so undisturbed because I said no word. But f**k it anyway; I had the time of my life, or maybe just some kind of ephemeral oblivion. I spent most of my days skipping classes, smoking, getting shitfaced, getting high and sneaking out because that was what distracted us until what we wanted grew bigger and bigger. I paced back and forth again, but harder this time as I kept on bending my long nails until they snapped and bled. The winds were gradually getting stronger but it was a personal choice of mine to shudder upon the chilly air for I deserve it. I picked up an empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s and threw it next to our door where Braniel and Rena were having s*x, being loud as ever. The glass shattered after it made contact to the door as the shards dropped on the ground. Despite my expressed angst, they even went on with louder moans. ‘Us until the end.’ Really? ’Well f**k it. Wait until one of you dies; let’s see if one of you will follow the other one to the grave. Rena is wise but when she gets to taste Braniel’s c**k, she suddenly loses it. I hate everyone. Lochan suddenly emerges from our room with a joint between his lips holding my forearms, his blonde hair looking quite damp as it reached the nape of his neck. He looked quite sweaty. I wonder what he has been doing. Colton together with Estelle and Ashton went to the bar carousing again as if everything is fine as if it will get better at all. “Woah, take a chill pill there Savannah,” I smack his chest so hard it made him grunt. I hated how he was acting so nonchalant. “Stop being f*****g stupid Lochan,” He puts the joint between my lips as I inhaled hard and let go of the smoke. As soon as he noticed that my tensed muscles relaxed he took off his leather jacket and draped it over my shoulders. “It will be okay, Savannah.” He whispers while wrapping his arms around me. Nothing will be f*****g okay because our friend just slit her throat inside a bathroom of an abandoned pub and now her dead body is enveloped by a cling wrap and her dead body is just inside Braniel’s trunk.