Have You Wonder

Goodbye Kiss

I don't know why things happened? I don't know why we end up in that situation? I don't know why I let things happen? Now my conscience is killing me.

I pressed the down button multiple times, hoping the elevator will open immediately before he could catch me from running away in the middle of making up. I am such a disgrace.

Finally, the elevator opens and it's empty. I walked in and presses the close button like there's no tomorrow. I looked at my reflection and my hair is such a mess. I fixed them by combing with my fingers and stretching the wrinkles on my clothes. D*mn, Enzey! What were you thinking?! you just made things extra messed up.

I walked hurriedly, thinking he will still follow me and ride on the taxicab which just drops off a passenger. He asked where am I headed but all I said...

"Please, just drive," I exclaimed to the driver and he was dumbfounded.

My phone keeps vibrating as Kree keeps calling me but I don't have the guts to pick them up. I am too embarrassed with myself to get the nerves to talk to him after what I did. I brushed my face with my palm as I still can't believe what happened.

That was fast, blinding, and made me lost. But that was amazing... burning... and driving me crazy. That's why I lose control. My inner me drives out my hidden desire for Kree.

I didn't know it was still in there. I was doing a great job in managing these feelings and I was almost convinced that I am almost there from moving on. That's why I feel different every time I spent time with Luke. But what was that? What was the mess I've just created with Kree? Why do I mess things up and made it harder for Kree?

My phone vibrates once again but I just rejected his call for the nth time. The taxi driver looked at me from the rear mirror. And it reminded me of the day after the wedding. I also left Kree just like this.

I decided to come to his pad on my own accord to console him for the last time and we are almost saying goodbye without having heavy hearts or any bad feelings against each other but I ruined everything.

My phone keeps buzzing and I was to drop the call again but the screen shows it's Luke. I am having half-mind thought to pick up the call because of the guilt I am feeling right now. I know we are not in any kind of relationship or sort and we haven't talked anything about us these past few months but what I'm sure is we made sure that each of us knows how special we are to each other. No matter how I put things out, I still feel like I cheated on him. I cheated on Luke with my ex and it's killing me. I feel like I held on to a double edge knife, whichever side I look at, I am hurt.

"Hey. How are you?" He enthusiastically greeted. I can feel his energy even from the other line.

"H-hey..." I tried to meet his vibe but I just can't. I feel like my voice gets shaky as I tried to hold back these tears. I feel like something is bulking up in my throat.

"Enzey...are you okay?" His soft voice tells me how worried he is to hear me responding that way.

I am so sorry, Luke...

"Hmm..." I replied shortly.

"Where are you right now?" He asked in a panic.

"I am on my way home."

"Alright. I'll wait for you, no matter how late you come home. Take your time and keep safe. Okay?" He said.

After some few hours, I saw Luke's car parked in our residence's alley. I looked at my phone and it's almost 1 AM but he is still here, waiting for me as he said.

He slowly walks towards me as soon as he saw me riding off from the cab. He just looks straight into my eyes while we are walking towards each other and I just can't stare at him for so long. I wanna welcome him with my arms wide open but I don't dare to act as if nothing happened. I am not that brazen.

I stood right in front of him but I decided to look down or else I'm gonna start crying.

"Hey..." He lowered to meet my gaze but I looked away so he won't catch me tearing up.

"Enzey..." His soft voice called out my name and it melts my heart. Why did I do something I would regret in front of this great man who does nothing but cares for me a lot and made me feel how sincere he is to me?

"Are you okay?" He asked and I just lean my head on his shoulder. My shoulders start shaking as I can't hold my tears anymore.

He put his hands on my shoulder then glides them on my back as he embraces me with his warmth. He says nothing but just hugged me tightly without any hesitation.

I know I don't deserve this warm solace I am receiving but I don't have anyone right now but him. He didn't ask further questions, just hugging me that way. His arms wrapped around me and gently tapped my back as his head rested on my crown.

It was warm, sincere and... and...

I cried harder as I can't think of any words to explain as I assess my feelings for Luke. What's happening to me?

Why does my heart don't get excited like the way I do when I was with Kree? Why isn't this hug feels heart-fluttering? Why does it feel platonic? What was all the happy heart I had these past few months? Were they just fleeting feelings in disguise of the idea that I am moving on? I am so confused.

I tried my best to stop myself from crying so I can start talking. Luke insisted that we should talk inside his car and so we did. I was wiping my messed up face with the tissue and I can see on the mirror how puffy my eyes were.

He was just looking at me, waiting for me to recover from that draining whimpering. He remained quiet as he was observing me.

"I'm sorry, your shirt must have been soaked with my tears." I initiated, trying to make the atmosphere a little bit lighter.

"Don't mind them. Besides, I'm just driving my car so they will dry up before I arrive home." He said.

"And...I'm sorry about that. I mean, the sudden tantrums and wailing." I apologized.

"Don't mention it. I can always be your shoulder to cry on." He asserted.

And upon hearing that, my heart feels like being ripped into pieces. Why would you be my shoulder to cry on when you can be my shoulder to lean on while watching movies together? Why do I always run to you when things get hard when you can be my source of strength and happiness?

"I...I have something to tell you." I was clenching onto the tissue I am holding as I am hesitating to say this. But I have to. He deserves to know the truth.

"I'm all ears. Go ahead."

"I met with my ex from seven years ago. And I... I..." I start sobbing as I can't find the right word to explain things to Luke and make it a little less painful.

He took a piece of tissue and he starts wiping the tears that keep streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't meet my gaze as it pains me that no matter what I do, I will hurt Luke for telling the truth. But he deserves to know about the truth.

"You don't have to say anything if it's hard for you. I hate that I am helplessly staring at you and don't know what to do to make you feel better." He mumbled.

"No... you've done everything you can to make me feel better, make me feel special each day. You never missed a chance to make me feel that way. It's just... the problem... is me." Now, my tears are never-ending.

"I appreciate all the heartfelt effort you have been doing and making me feel all this time but... I think I need time...alone." I painfully asserted.

He paused while he was wiping my tears but he remained silent. He took a deep breath as he looked away for a moment but didn't say anything. After a few minutes of anxious silence, he finally look back at me.

"How...how much time do you need?" No, please. Don't say you will wait because I don't want you to wait for me endlessly.

"I...please, Luke. Don't--"

"No! I will let you have the time you need but you have to let me wait for you to come back. That's the least you can do for me." He demanded.

"And what if... I couldn't find myself coming back to you?" I bawled.

"Then call me and tell it to me face to face. Because right now, I can see through your eyes that you want to come back to me... from being a little bit lost. I don't know what's going on and I won't bother to ask you that but please... please, Enzey... let me wait, hmm?" He begged as his tears begin clouding up his eyes.

I'm so sorry for hurting you this way, Luke. Maybe you are just too good to settle with someone like me, confused...indecisive... skeptical.

"But..."

"Please... Enzey, please." He grabbed my hands as he placed them onto his lips and a teardrop that he was holding for so long has escaped.

I slowly take back my hand from him as I keep sobbing from that heartbreaking moment we shared.

"I'm sorry. I have to go inside. Drive safely, Luke." I mumbled as I carefully get out of his car.

I look at his eyes for the last time before I close his car door. I tap my hand onto my lips and blew him a kiss with tears in our eyes.

Until we see each other again, Luke.