If You Leave Me Now

Chapter 4

SIA

I couldn't chase him.

Needless to say, he was much much faster than me. He was a footballer who practiced the sport every day, and I barely liked to run even in the PE class when I absolutely had to.

I wasn't bad at running, I just didn't like it. There's a difference.

I didn't miss the amuse glances of everyone when we ran in, panting. Honestly, after such a run, I had even forgotten why was I behind him in the first place.

I ignored him completely as I went and sat beside Daisy, who was eyeing me with worried eyes.

"Hah Murder, I called it," Austin chuckled, looking at Noah who frowned at us.

"They're alive, and panting; it's definitely make-out," Noah grinned.

Cole sat between them, probably to give them a peace of mind, and I ignored, as I faced Daisy.

"What did I miss?" I asked her, a small smile on my face.

"You spent an hour with Cole, and came back alive and smiling?" Eva asked in disbelief, squeezing between us.

"Miracles happen everyday," I gave her a sarcastic smile and Daisy silently chuckled.

"You sure it's a miracle, and not re-opening the past?" Eva teased, raising her brows.

"Everly Walker," Daisy gave her a pointed look, "No more drinks for you." Eva pouted as Daisy snatched away the bottle from her hand. I clearly remember her sipping from another bottle when I left, and this one was more than half down.

"Is this her second?" I asked, my eyes a little wide. "Third," Daisy answered. Uh-oh.

Unlike the two of us, Eva loved drinking. She drank occasionally, but it was difficult to get her drunk easily. Although the morning after, she wasn't the most pleasant person to be next to. She suffered from miserable hangovers, which often included punching anyone in a half mile's radius.

"Except Noah and Austin betting on what you'd be doing with my twin, you missed nothing interesting," She smiled, "Unless you're interested in Caleb stripping down his clothes to give the girls a good show."

"Definitely not," I chuckled, "I can leave that part to the bimbos."

It's true. Olivia was the queen bee of the grade, with her perfectly tanned skin, blond curly hair, clothes that barely covered what needed to be, and a pea sized brain. She could be termed the dumber, more n***d version Regina George. She and her minions loved Caleb and he who shall not be named.

And the duo often did such things to get the queen bee cheering. They loved attention. Jocks are jerks, you know, and that stands extra true for the boys of the School's football team.

"Then that's about it," she shrugged, just as Caleb and Seth re-entered the campsite.

Caleb winked at me and I gave him a raised eyebrow look.

"I need to talk to you," I heard a murmur as a hand tapped my shoulder.

I looked behind to see Cole. Wasn't he sitting with Noah and Austin just now? 

"Me?" I asked in confusion. 

"Yeah, you," He gave a pointed look and I nodded. He asked me to follow him and I, confused in all I was, followed him to the corner, a little away from the crowd.

We spent an hour together, with nothing to talk and surrounded by awkward silence most of the time. And he finds something to talk now, after we're back?

"Guess we did miss something," Eva calls out, teasing us. Daisy chuckled and gave me a look I very well knew, the very famous 'I hope you know what you're getting yourself into' look. I gave her a small nod before looking at Cole again.

"What do you want?" I asked, my voice sharp.

"A favour," he said, l*****g his lips slightly. I could briefly remember a time when he did that, making my heart swoon everytime he smiled at me. And now, I found a whole different reason altogether.

Why did Cole lick his lips before speaking something?

To marinate his lies.

"What?" I repeat, slightly scared. Cole wasn't exactly known for asking favours, he ordered them around.

"Maybe, if you could, you know," He shuttered, "speak to Daisy, for me?"

I knitted my eyebrows and he continued, "I need to know where she stands with the whole 'I've moved on from Austin' and 'I don't care what he does' thing. You know I'd never get a proper answer because she'd think I'm being protective again, but I saw she was still uncomfortable with that dare Noah gave, and you had to take that shot for her.. and umm thanks for that," he said in one breath.

I couldn't help but smile a bit. Cole loved his twin more than any of us could imagine. He'd not lend her his phone charger, but happily give her his kidney when in need. That's how they were, and it was kind of cute, to see him worry about his sister and become protective of people he loved and cared about.

Did I just think cute?

"Huh.. cute," I murmured.

Fuck thinking. Did I just say cute?

"I'm drunk," I said out loud again. Someone stop me. "I mean....," I panicked, but stopped when I saw him staring at me with an amused expression.

Yes, the only sensible explanation for thinking Cole is cute could be that I was drunk; the one shot that I had, had probably got into my head.

"Did you just call me cute?" A smile spread on his lips, so genuine and nice, that for a moment I wanted to believe it was the Cole I once knew, and not the one who broke my heart.

"I called myself drunk as well," I snapped, "And clearly, neither are of them are true."

The smile wiped off his face and I couldn't help but feel minutely guilty. Maybe, we were capable of having a conversation normally, but neither of us wanted to try hard enough. Atleast not me. He deserved my hate, and now that I know I can't hate him, the least I can do is be rude to show him my dislike.

"You can think I'm cute, sunshine," He smirked, "I just feel I come more into the hot category."

Self appreciating bastard.

"That's rude," He knitted his brows. My eyes widened.

Did I just speak that aloud?

"Yes, you did," he chuckled.

Did I speak that aloud too?

"No, you didn't," he actually laughed this time, "You're just becoming predictable, sunshine."

"I–... you-," I stuttered, a little at loss of words.

"A half-drunk you is so much easier to deal with a sober you," He smiled, "You can actually make a conversation with me without pouncing at me, I think I like you better half-drunk."

"Atleast you like me," I gave him a mocking smile, "I don't like you at all."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, sunshine," he shrugged, "Because the truth is, you like me, and a lot more than you like to accept to yourself."

"I don't," I defied, my voice small.

"For a fact, you do. And you know, you can accept it, right? There's a ninety percent chance neither of us will remember anything tomorrow. You're only slightly drunk, but you're a gone case anyway; and I plan upon drinking and getting wasted all night too." He smirked, taking a step closer.

"Oh," I murmured, what he said did make sense. "Then I'd rather tell you the truth."

"Yes, tell me," He said, taking another step closer. We were slightly more than two feet away now, and his presence made me warmer despite the cold around us.

"The truth is," I say, my voice a whisper, "The truth is that Cole Wilson, I dislike you. Except the many reasons I am allowed to dislike you, the most irritating one is that you're fake. You're a coward."

"Sia–," he cleared his throat, "Why would you– f**k that, I don't care what you think about me."

"Then you should," I said, taking a step towards him, "You only pretend like you don't care. You do care. And you know what, this is what I hate about you– the pretence. Always pulling up a facade and hiding behind it, acting like you don't care... that's too easy for you, right? Because that's the only explanation I can give myself for you moving on in your life and never acknowledging what happened between us, like you could just delete it off. And I hate you even more because, because of you, even I never got to."

"Tell Me Cole," I take another step closer, "How can I heal when I've not allowed to hurt?"

I looked at him straight in his eyes to see them harden with every passing words and a flicker of emotion passing through– confusion, sadness, guilt, anger, and then he covered it all like the good actor he was. But I didn't look away.

He was a coward who didn't have the strength to face the past, so he pretended like it never happened and moved on, but I was done pretending to satisfy him and convince myself that I had moved on just like he had. The truth was, I hadn't. Whatever happened between us seven months ago still hurt like it was a fresh wound and everytime I tried forgetting, I only remembered more.

I tried going on and pretending that it never happened like he had, and I only ended up hurting myself more because the fact is that I break a part of my heart everytime I fight with him, or argue, or be rude to him, because somewhere deep down, I still had hope that he'd not argue back, he'd not ignore me. He'd smile and hold me like he used to and tell me that he was sorry and this, all of this, was a pathetic game he was playing.

I stared at him until I realised he wasn't going to reply because he had nothing to say, and that my eyes were filled with tears that I wouldn't let slip down. I have been stronger than this, and I will be. And moreover, he didn't deserve to know that he was the reason I'd cry.

He deserved nothing.

I looked up, trying to drink my tears away but when they were of no help, I walked out on him, and directly away from the campsite and into the tent. 

He didn't stop me, and truth being said, I didn't want to be stopped.

I covered my mouth, at shock of everything I had just spoken. I never, ever planned upon letting him know of how bad he had hurt me, and now that I look back, I wonder, why not?

Boys don't have a right to come into your life as they please, stay for as long as they want, and then walk out like you meant nothing to them. They had the right to do that to us only as long as we allowed them to.

But I was done letting Cole play me like I was his favourite game.

Maybe I really, really overreacted.

Maybe it was just the vodka in my veins.

But I was done holding it back. I wanted to cry, not because I was weak, but because I had been strong for too long. I had been telling myself every single day of the past seven months that it'll be okay someday and I'll get through, but the pain never really left. I just got better at pretending that it was okay. It wasn't.

I felt an unfamiliar hand touch my shoulder after I slouched on the ground, and burried my face under my knees. I immediately bit my lips, drinking away the silent sobs as I turned behind.

Caleb.

"Hey," I said, trying to sound normal.

"Hi," He said, leaving the bottle he was drinking from outside the tent, "Do you mind if I...?" 

"Sure, come in," I smiled and he walked in, followed by his dog, Faux. I was always very fond of the little one. He was just a cute little pup when I first met him years ago, and today, he was a grown Golden Retriever.

"Hey Faux," I pet him and Faux rubbed his head against my knee before l*****g me slightly and moving around by himself as I turned to face Caleb again.

His gaze was fixed on me as if he was studying me and conscious, I gave him a practiced half smile. As a kid, I never wanted to be this girl with empty eyes who had mastered the skill of fake smiles.

He gave me a smile back, as he sat beside me in silence. I gave him a look, raising my eyebrows, asking him what exactly was he doing here.

Did Cole send him?

"Cole didn't send me," He said. I tried to hold my wide eyes back. Did I speak out loud again? "I mean... incase you're wondering, because I'm his friend and all. I'm here by myself, Cole didn't ask me to."

Atleast I wasn't speaking my thoughts aloud in front of him as well.

"Then why are you here?" I said, my voice lower than I intended.

"Are you okay, Brooks?" He asked, scrunching his nose and eyes together.

"I am, why?" I flashed him a smile again.

"Yeah, don't give that fake smile to me. I've had enough of them to recognise one when I see one." He said and my smile vanished.

"You know," He looked at me, "I met Cole when we were in third grade. I was the new boy in town, and my mother had just died. I became a rebel, in the first month that I was here. Stopped attending my soccer– football classes, bunked lectures, became a full-on prankster because... no one ever stopped me. I was the one they looked at with eyes full of sympathy and I could get away with everything I did. So I became the brat. Cole was another badboy, and I badly wanted to mess with him. So, I, put paint in his football shoes, and itching powder in his jersey on the day of the big game...." his voice faded as he softly laughed, reminding the memory.

"And they lost the game because Cole couldn't play," I completed his sentence, "So Cole found you in the field and hit you black and blue in front of half the grade. You were surprised, because you expected to get away with this as well, so you got back to football to show him you're better and Cole didn't take any of your nonsense, with both of you being rude and mocking each other, until the coach one day put you in the same team and co-captains; and that's how you both became bestfriends. I know."

"Cole's told you the story?" He was surprised.

"Only a fifty times," I shot him an actual smile. "Always said that the two of you were complete egoistic jerks, but at the end, he was happy it happened, orelse he wouldn't have got his bestfriend."

Caleb smiled, nodding. "The reason I was going to tell you this, was, Cole is like that. Ever since he was a kid, he has had problems expressing what he actually feels– anger, or maybe guilt, or hatred, or even love for the matter. He's used to being alone, and it took us a long time to actually bond, and for him to accept me in his circle."

"Caleb," I stopped him right away, "If you're telling me that this is fighting phase between me and Cole before becoming bestfriends or something, then please stop. You and I both know how that's not true."

"That's not what I was telling you, Brooks," he retorted, "I wanted to say that Cole isn't what he shows, but I don't have to, because you know that as much as I do, that beneath that badboy craziness and pranks and rudeness and 'I don't give a f**k' attitude, that boy actually cares, and whether you like it or not, he has accepted you in his little circle of people he cares about, and he always will, inspite of everything that happened between the two of you."

"That's not true," I say softly, "If he cared, he wouldn't have done what he did in the first place."

He sighs, "I'm not here to justify what he did, Brooks. He'd made mistakes, and maybe he regrets them, maybe not. All I'm here to tell you is, whether you believe he cares or not, every time you and him go off unnecessarily or every time he sees that he's hurt you and nothing he does can undo what happened, it breaks him a little too, just like it hurts you."

"He told you that?" I retort.

"He didn't have to," he smiled, "I see it in the way you both fight unnecessarily, because deep down, you both know that it's better to fight for something, then to talk about nothing."

I stay silent, my lips pursed as I stare down, clumsily playing with my toes.

"And, I know you're mad because he keeps behaving like nothing happened. But don't forget, you ignored him for a month straight after everything that happened between you both, and then even you behaved like nothing ever happened; even you kept taunting him and arguing and blatantly ignoring the past just like him."

I looked at him instantly with a accusatory glare, "That's not true. I– I just, I didn't want to be the only one stuck up when he had clearly moved on."

He shot me a look of disbelief. I always thought that was a good enough reason, and maybe it was, but just in my head. Now that I said it aloud, I think it sounded pathetic and really egoistic.

The disbelief soon turned to an amused smile, "Deep down, even you know, that you both kept pretending like it never happened because it was better to hide it inside your heart than let go of something as beautiful as what you both had. I'm not one to judge why you fell out, or why Cole did that, but I don't want you to be sad about it because there's an eighty percent chance he doesn't even mean what he did. He's always been the one to act and hide his real intentions right?" He asks. I give a small nod.

That still doesn't change the fact that he did what he did, and whether he meant it or not, he did it. That's the bottom line.

"Great," he says with an enthusiastic smile, "Now that we have this part cleared out and you're no more sad, I'm here to drag you out again." He held my hand in his, pulling me up.

"Caleb," I laughed, "I really appreciate this, but I really rather sleep. It's been a very long day."

"Not before this, I have something to show you," He said, pulling me out of the tent with him.

"What?" I blinked in confusion as we walked towards the campsite. Almost everyone else had dispersed, except all of us who were playing that stupid game.

"Almost in time," He gave a wide smile. Time for what?

"Five," Daisy cheered.

"Four," Noah called next.

"Three," This was Eva and Austin together.

"Two," Hope and Lucas called. Caleb looked at me and I nodded as he whispered, "us next."

Only if I knew what we were counting down to.

"One," I shouted next. Caleb didn't shout at all, stood silent with his lips pursed into a smile and instead, it was Cole who shouted with me. My eyes reached his in reflex and he was already looking at me.

I stiffened, and Caleb put his hand around my shoulder, when the eye contact was broken by everyone's shouts.

Caleb pointed up in the star studded sky.

"Wow," I gasped, as little tiny stars moved across the sky. Shooting stars. 

"Make a wish," Daisy nudged me as she stood to my left.

I shut my eyes, the enchanting view still stuck in my head.

I wish for this trip to be just as I hoped– wild, adventurous and something to always remember.

And maybe, just maybe, I wish for everything to become fine between me and Cole again.

/