If You Leave Me Now

Chapter 5

SIA

It was later at night when I was finally back in the tent, preparing to sleep. As I arranged the travel pillow, I noticed Daisy was looking at me keenly since the past few minutes.

"You wanna say something?" I ask, and she doesn't look embarrassed on being caught staring me, as if she were waiting for me to realise.

"Yeah," she said softly, sitting next to me, "Is everything okay between you and Cole?"

I sighed.

I was tired, to be honest. I had come to this trip to forget about my problems (which included him) and instead, I've just heard him or about him right from the moment we've come here. I've spent more time with him in this one day since the past six months combined, and spoken to and about him more than what's considered healthy to my brain.

"Yeah, why?" I ask, playing dumb.

"Nothing," she pursed her lips, "I just felt like something's changed again. I was just looking out for you."

"It's all alright," I bring on a smile, "Moving on, I guess?"

"Moving on from Cole, or with Cole?" She looks at me squarely.

"What's with the questions?" I turn to her, a little pissed. This wasn't Daisy. She never interrogated me this way. As my bestfriend, she had the right to know what's going on, but this felt outright nosey. As an introvert, I loved my privacy and I knew she respected that, like I respected hers.

"I'm sorry," she rectified, "I'm just a bit over the edge. Thanks for taking the drink for me."

"Always," I smile, "And I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have snapped. It's just that... you know how talking about Cole can be a sensitive topic sometimes. And I've had enough of him in my head for the day. My brain's all like Cole, Cole, Cole, Cole, Cole; and trust me, that isn't very pleasant."

She chuckled, "I get it, he's like the most annoying twin brother."

"Who's also concerned about you," I point.

"You're defending him?" She raised her eyebrows.

"Just stating facts," I shrug, "He was worried about you and Austin."

"I told him not to keep looking out for me," she murmured, more than pissed.

"Actually we both were," I was a terrible liar, "And that's what we were talking about. He thanked me for taking the shot, you know, and we were just wondering about where you stand with Austin."

"We're fine," she tries putting it off, and I give her a look of disbelief. She sigh smiled, reassuring me, "Seriously, I'm over him, and we're at a good place... trying to be friends and stuff."

"You sure?" I reconfirm, and she nods, half smiling.

"Good, 'cause I don't want you to be hurting because of that doofus." I smile.

"Yeah, I wish I could say the same, but the doofus in your case happens to be my twin," she laughed.

"Your brother's not a doofus. He's rude and he's arrogant and he's cocky and sometimes very careless, but he's not stupid. He knows what he's doing most of the times," I shrug. The one thing that's a straight up fact is that Cole isn't an i***t. I might call him that a hundred times on his face, but he's smarter than I'd like to accept. Not just grade wise, but personality wise. He always knows, and everything so. He's like the Gossip Girl or something.

"Most of the times," she repeated, a little lost, "Only most."

"What about you and Caleb though?" I smirk.

"Me and Caleb?" Her eyes widen, and she tries acting innocent, "What– what about us?"

Yeah, she's a pathetic liar too. I raise my eyebrows at her, "Just because I never asked, doesn't mean I haven't noticed all the side glances and the love sick eyes."

"Love sick?" She chuckled, "It's nothing, merely even a crush. And there's nothing like love sick eyes in real life. Only you writers keep writing it everywhere."

"Aye," I nudge her arm playfully, "Love exits, and true love doesn't need to be spoken, it can be seen in the eyes."

"Yeah, only in books," she rolls her eyes, "Everything, especially love, is just so overrated in books. You writers glorify the entire idea of love and relationships and then in real life, what we get in the name of love is just a crap load of bullshit and lies and mostly betrayal."

"First of all, I am not a writer–," I begin and she cuts me off.

"You will be one day," she gestures, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. I ignore her and go on.

"Love exists, and in real life too. What doesn't exist is the 'happily ever after', you see, there are no happier ever afters. Every 'after' will be both happy and sad, and it's upon you if you want to hold on to that love or just give up on it; and in today's world, very less people want to fight for it. They just give up on something so beautiful so easily. And... everything feels better when you're in love. But when you just give up, the bubble breaks and you realise that love was the d**g and it's beauty was an illusion, and now that the d**g has worn out, you begin seeing the world for what it really is... crappy and full of sugar-coated lies."

She looks at me for a moment and then smiles, "But you know what's the worst part? When you still want to hold on, but the person you're in love with, gives up. You can fight and you can try but you can't win, because you're fighting a war with reality then, and that'll lead to nothing but a broken heart."

"Also true," I smile sadly, "But that's thing, right? When you fall in love with someone, you don't know how it's going to end. You just hope that maybe it doesn't end at all and that it'll be the love you'll take to your grave. A happy end or no, love will always hurt, you just need to choose a person who's worth the pain."

She was about to say something when Eva barged in.

"Cockroach," She murmured, horrified.

"What?" I And Daisy said at the same time.

"There's a cockroach in my tent," she repeated, pissed.

"Then remove it," Daisy teased her as I lied down, chuckling.

"Shut up," Eva grumbled, "If I could have, you know I would. Now can you just come and help me?"

"Where's Hope? You're staring tents with her right?" I ask, yawning.

"She's with Lucas, will probably be back in a while," she informed and I nod, closing my eyes. 

"I'm gonna go help her and come back in a while, you catch some sleep until then, goodnight," Daisy says, laughing at how sleepy I can get in moments.

"Goodnight," I murmur, tired from the long day I had, and sleep took over instantly, throwing me into an abyss of nightmares.

✿

The night passed away in a blink.

I remembered going off to sleep and being greeted with a terrible nightmare. 

I occasionally suffered from sleep paralysis. Although I knew it wasn't considered to be a major disorder, I had it bad, especially on some nights.

Most times, I could feel my body frozen, the heaviness on my chest, like most people do while suffering from it; and the nights I was in an unconscious sleep state, I had nightmares. Such nights, it becomes very difficult to separate reality from the dream, and the very few times that I have been able to break away the feeling of someone being around me wouldn't leave.

It was terrifying to a big extent, and I found it taking a toll on my mental health on many days. Last night was one such night. I don't remember what I was dreaming, but I definitely remember feeling a stabbing pain in my chest, more than I have ever felt.

When my sleep broke away, I could feel the comfortable, soft sheets of my tent hurting me, as if replaced by leaves and stones that kept piercing through me.

I opened my eyes, sunlight piercing through them and instantly closed them again, twisting in annoyance. Where did the roof of the tent disappear? Why were my eyes exposed to bare sunlight?

By the time I managed to adjust to the light and focus, I was staring at the tree cover overhead. I could see birds flying and make out the blue sky and clouds from the spaces between the leaves. I was in the forest?

What was I doing here?

It took a lot of energy to finally wake up and get on my feet. I dusted the non existing mud from my clothes as I looked around. I was in the forest, the part which was deeper inside and prohibited to be visited by us because of the animals.

I remember going to sleep in my tent, talking to Daisy, and I had no idea what I was doing here.

As I took a few steps forward, still scrutinising my surroundings, I felt different, in a way I couldn't quite explain. I felt lighter, as if air was passing through me, and I smelled as pleasant as a freshly bloomed flower. 

I barely had alcohol last night, but if everything I was feeling was because of it, this is definitely the best hangover ever.

But I still couldn't remember what I was doing in the forest.

I remembered having a conversation with Daisy, and then Eva has barged inside, and then Daisy left. I had been so tired, that the moment I rested my head on the pillow, I was knocked out.

I didn't sleep walk. There was no chance at that. I did have sleep paralysis, yes, but that didn't mean I could be dragged to the forest and not wake up. I wasn't that unaware.

How was I–

While taking another step around, I stamped on something, that rather felt like someone. Flinching with fear, I almost tumbled, and then balanced myself, looking fearfully at what I had just stamped.

I could see a girl, who's platinum blonde hair were scattered around in the mud of the forest floor, her eyes shut, her lips pale, barely breathing, with a pool of blood around her.

It was me.

I was staring at myself– my own body, pale and unconscious.

I gasped in horror as I fell behind on the floor, my eyes wide as my hand frantically touched my forehead and my chest, searching for the scars and wounds that I could see on my body lying on the ground; but unlike that, I had nothing on me– no wounds, and no blood.

I instantly grabbed my hand, trying to lift it. I couldn't.

I tried picking up one of the lighter leaves from the ground, or anything else that my hand instantly reached, and I couldn't pick that up either. I tugged on it, blowed air, and applied as much force as I would have to probably pick a dumble, but it didn't move to the slightest.

Horrified, I just kept staring at the ground and my body laying on it.

Was I– dead?

The only oxygen that was entering my body was through my slightly parted lips, and that somehow managed to keep me alive.

I was alive, but hardly.

If I wasn't dead, why was I outside my body?

Maybe this was the intermediate stage, in which I wasn't dead, but dying– me seeing my last few moments before a bright white light appears and I cross over to the other side.

I was probably a soul outside her body.

I kept waiting beside my body for what seemed like a long time. It gave me warmth somehow, to die such a painless death. I couldn't wait to see the white light, and someone who'd probably come to take me.

It could be my Dad.

After so many years, I'd finally see him, and this time, no alarm clock would be able to wake me up. I'd actually see him, in front of me, be able to hug him and hear his voice once again. I wondered what that would feel like, would I still be his little girl, or would he see me as an adult now?

That sounded peaceful, finally reuniting with my father, but at the same time, I knew feeling good about dying was incredibly selfish of me, for I was leaving behind all the people I love and who love me back. 

There was so much going to be left unsaid and undid.

I wanted to talk to my mom one last time, I wanted to ask my step-father Jake to take care of her. I'd tell her I forgave her and hope that she'd forgive me too. We've had our ups and downs but at the end of the day, she's the lady who gave birth to me, who's been my bestfriend for so many years, and who'd love me no matter how much we fight. Deep down, I knew it– the love was still there, we just went a little wrong in expressing it.

But if I get a second chance, I'd still choose her to be mother, and maybe we could do it right this time.

I wanted to hug my friends, every single one of them. I could imagine Daisy saying a speech on my funeral, and Eva, and Caleb, and maybe even Cole. 

There was so much left to do, that it was hard to believe that I was dying.

After today, I would be dead. I would cease to exist from the lives of all those who knew me, but the world will still go on.

It took me a moment to hit, but the longer I let myself think about it, the more I wondered how it would be like after I was gone. Sia Brooks would be just another name, just another incomplete story, and it'll hurt the people who loved me, but a lot of years down the line, I'll be just another person whom they used to know.

It bothered me, for that wasn't how I wanted to go. I somehow wanted to leave a mark on this world, and if not on everyone, then atleast on the people I knew and loved. I wanted them to remember me as more than just someone from school who was murdered–

Murder. I had been murdered. Someone out here had brutally stuck the knife into me until they were convinced I wouldn't survive, and then left me here to die. I could be just another unsolved murder case at buzzfeed.

I stared at myself for quite a long time. The slight freckles on my shoulder that I wasn't fond of (but Eva kept convincing me otherwise all the time) actually didn't look that bad. My freckles should be the last thing I should be concerned about, but I found my mind wandering to a lot of things randomly as I kept waiting for me to die. 

But it never happened. The white light never came.

Maybe, my time wasn't over yet. Maybe I still had time, a little more time gifted to me to say a last goodbye.

I knew I couldn't talk to my friends anymore, none of them would be able to see me, but atleast I could see them from afar. Maybe I could look at their smiles one last time and memorise them all to carry with me to the after life, taking the good thing and leaving all the grudges behind. Maybe just one last look at all the moments I had spent and memories I had built with the people I didn't know would mean so much to me until I lost them all.

I closed my eyes, thinking of everyone sitting at the campsite and playing the stupid games. I smiled at the dirty dances and the side jokes, the alcohol drunk and stupid talks, and ofcourse, as much as I'd hate to admit, even that dare.

Maybe that was a closure between me and Cole, so that I could leave the grudges behind and even he's have nothing to be guilty about. 

When I opened my eyes, slightly dazed, I wasn't in the forest anymore. I could almost feel the shift, as if I just flies away in a second, and the trees around me were replaced by my schoolmates. I was at the campsite.

Oh my god.

Everyone had awoken, atleast everyone that I was concerned with had woken up. Daisy was talking to Seth and Hope about something on her phone, Eva and Caleb were practising their music on one of the logs and Cole, Noah and Austin were talking about something. I saw someone pass right from next to me.

Lucas. He made his way to Hope and put a hand around her shoulder before passing her her coffee.

As I stared from afar, I found myself paying attention to the little details I never looked at. Kyle's eyes were at Eva from afar, and Caleb often looked up, his eyes finding someone. Daisy did steal glances of Caleb while tapping her foot impatiently, and Noah kept looking at her while saying something to her twin, who's fists were tight, as if trying to not punch someone.

I sighed, biting my lip. There was so much to say and do, and no time left. I wondered how it would be like when they realise I have been gone for too long, when they finally search for me and discover that I'm dead... I'd probably be for a few hours by the time they'd reach the denser part of the forest. 

I was smiling sadly to myself, when something caught my eye. Cole's head suddenly snapped up and his eyes browsed through the crowd with all anger, and I wondered who dared to piss him off early in the morning.

And then, scrolling through unwanted faces, his eyes set somewhere. On me. His eyes made contact with mine as they softened and he made his way to me, nodding to Noah.

He could see me?

He was walking towards me, his eyes looking fixed at mine. Or he was probably looking at someone behind me.

But my assumption turned out to be wrong when he stopped in front of me and crossed his hands across his chest. "Did you speak to Daisy last night?" He asked, slightly biting his lower lip. 

I was still too frozen to respond, and I slightly turned behind to make sure he's talking to me.

He gave me a crazy expression. I gulped, my voice nervous, "Are you talking to me?" Maybe I was still wrong. He could be talking to himself, 'cause that'll make much more sense than being able to see and talk to a soul.

"Yeah, who else?" He rolled his eyes. I was not mistaken. He was definitely talking to me.

I always knew he was a psycho, but a psychic?

I stared at him with more than slightly wide eyes.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Yeah, f**k making myself calm down. I screamed.

I screamed on the top of my voice.

I have never, ever screamed in my entire life, leave alone so loud. And boy, did it feel good? Yes.

If this was a nightmare, I'm surely waking up by my own scream.

"Jeez," He scrunched his nose, putting a hand over his ears, a slight smirk lingering on his lips, "I'm used to girls being shocked when I speak to them, but this was first. I know I'm incredibly hot and irresistible when I wake up, but this... was still an odd way to react when in love with someone." He definitely sounded disappointed.

Did he even have any idea that he was a psychic?

I kept staring at him with the same eyes. The nightmare didn't end. This was reality, and this was happening to me.

"You– You shouldn't be able to see me," I think I said, but he looked at me plainly. I probably just murmured to myself.

"What?"

"You shouldn't be able to see me," I repeated, my voice a low pitch whisper. I was scared of Cole. Who was he? A psycho psychic.

"Guess what sunshine? Unfortunately, I see you all the time. We all see you." He smirked. Correction, a dumb psycho psychic.

"I'm dead," I say firmly.

"And I'm Britney Spears, what's your point?" He sounded bored.

"For the only time in this life, Cole, please believe me. No one here can see me except you," I beg.

He rolled his eyes at me, then called out to someone. "Rose, babe," He called her, and she, who was talking to Olivia, immediately walked up to us– him.

"What's up, baby?" She said softly, encircling her arms around his neck. "Uh," he gently pushed her away, his eyes meeting mine in confusion.

"Who are the people you can see here?" He asked, trying to hide his nervous smile.

"The entire school," she shrugged.

"Nah," He was slightly pissed, "I mean, here. Right here."

"You and me."

"Look again, Rose. Whom do you see standing to my right?" He tried again.

"A huge, ugly, orange tent," she rolled her eyes at him.

This time, I put my hand on her face, in front of her eyes, and she didn't flinch. She didn't even blink her eyes except when she wanted to. I raised an eyebrow and gave him an 'I told you so' look. His horrified expression met mine, and then he gasped. 

"That's not true, that's not true," he panicked, murmuring to himself as he shoved his girlfriend aside, who walked away in confusion, probably used to his mood swings. I swear to God Cole can have more mood swings than a pregnant lady. And I know that, because I know.

"That's wrong, this shouldn't be happening," he concluded.

"And I'm Britney Spears, what your point?" I mimicked him in a flat voice and he glared at me, horrified.

Talk about clichés.