Divorced, but Not broken

Chapter 10

I started to move, it was getting colder, and I was going to work tomorrow. I was barely hanging on as it was. James had threatened to fire me, even if I was in the hospital, when I called him, and I got it. He didn’t need me; plenty of people needed my job, but I needed it too. I really did.

The party was still going when I walked by, hating the fact that I had to go back and just opened the door to my place, expecting it to be empty and just going to sleep in the same bed that a guy feeling sorry for me got when I stared in surprise at the four guys sitting in the sofa. I stopped. Why the f**k were they here?

It was Tom, Chris, and Joey, and the last one that looked like he wanted to kill me standing up was Jonah.

“Where the f**k have you been!?” he was walking towards me, fire burning in his otherwise cold eyes, and I just wanted to turn around and leave. I wasn’t going to argue with him or anyone after Ryan, and I didn’t have the f*****g strength for it.

I didn’t answer him, just held my head down; what did it matter where I was?? he was still f*****g some other girl, and I was supposed to be in here, waiting on him to come by. Just like Ryan.

“I asked you a f*****g question. Where the hell was you, Andrea?!” he was there, towering over me, and I felt even worse, the hard clenching of my hands going on and off when I sniffled. I didn’t want to cry, not in front of him and definitely not the backup he had still stared at me curiously and amused at the same time, depending on who you were looking at.

“I was alone, and that’s more than I can say about you….” I narrowed my eyes when I raised my head, giving him a long hard stare back, making him hold his hand up, and all three guys just started walking towards the door; it would have been funny if it wasn’t for that fact, that I felt completely and utterly destroyed, betrayed, from a college guy I had known for three weeks. I was officially pathetic.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” he had waited until his friends were outside the door and the music rang through the building when I just smirked. Goddamn bastard, he said one thing and did another one. I didn’t need another cheater in my life; one was enough.

“It means that whatever you and I had, is over!” I raised my eyes with tears in them, staring back into the confused ones on him. He really didn’t see this coming, me ending whatever we had before it even began when he was still wanting to f**k other girls. He didn’t seem to be that dumb; at least I hadn’t taken him for that type of guy.

“What we had?” he sounded serious and surprised now, not like when he was talking to his friends, just pure deep honesty that echoed in his slightly rough voice.

“Yes, whatever this was, I told you, I’m done with this shit.” He just seemed even more confused when I sighed. All my anger was spent on Ryan. Right now, I just felt sadness, I really liked him, and he ruined it f*****g hell.

“so… you don’t want to be my friend anymore, is that what you are telling me?” he sounded almost like he was trying not to laugh, and I just sniffled more. Was he so cold that he laughed at me, standing here and crying my heart out, or was I about to from seeing the calm face that stared at me back? He had a small smirk and arms crossed, making me more nervous. What the hell was he doing right now? Why wasn’t he screaming back at me? That’s what I expected. He did seem to have a bad temper, at least around other people.

“Yes, like I said, over.” I was frowning. Why was he acting like this? I just told him that I didn’t want to be his, and he just started to chuckle; maybe my cutting him off was for the best when the deep vibrato of his voice made every hair on my body stand up in anticipation of what he was doing when he took a step further, challenging me when I held my breath from the aggressive stance he had adopted from nowhere, s**t he really was dangerous wasn’t he?

“Alright, no more f*****g games and wordplays, you think I did something wrong, and now you can´t tell me why, just running away like a damn coward.” His words hurt me, and I flinched when he said them, annoyed like he didn’t want to hear me talk about this anymore. I bet he never talked to the girls he f****d. He just made them laugh and scream from coming. God, I was already jealous of them.

“I saw you with that girl. She was pressing her boobs against you coming out from the bedroom.” I stared up at him, now hurt. I really wanted to be angry like I was before. Still, I couldn’t be, not when I was standing here, having his eyes on me, observing every detail and word coming out of my mouth.

“Which one?” he gave me a serious look when I gasped. How was I supposed to answer that? he said it like it was a real question, and I had no idea how to talk suddenly. I felt even worse when he just stared at me like it was no big deal, and it probably wasn’t for him when I started to take deep breaths. I was so glad right now that I was dumping his ass.

“You know what, just get the f**k out, I'll pay you back your f*****g money somehow, and then, I’m leaving.” I was already pointing at the door when he just looked at me, amused again. The fact that he was so young made it even worse, the obvious mocking smile that made his eyes glitter from being superior to me; it was hot as f**k, and made me just as mad.

“That’s cute. So where are you going?” he smirked more when I opened my mouth and then closed it, s**t. I looked up at him. I really didn’t know where to go, just away, I guess…. I looked down at the floor and sighed, defeated. He wasn’t Ryan. He didn’t get me mad, or well, he did, but I didn’t want to stay mad; it was hurting in my chest, the feeling of him being mad at me, I was so desperate, and I knew it was him too.

“Anywhere but here….” I didn’t want to say more, I had already told him too much, and he knew I liked him. I mean, how could he have missed it? I wasn’t a master in smoothness and being suave. I was just me, kind of awkward and, apparently, the worst at reading signs from the other s*x.

I was biting my lip when he gave me a tired smile like he didn’t want to have this discussion with me again. I felt worse like a giant rock was on my shoulders; maybe I just had taken everything he said and read into too much? Maybe he just wanted to be friends? It wouldn’t surprise me at all, knowing my luck…

“I told you, you are not my girlfriend, Andrea. I thought we got that covered already.” He sounded stern again when I was just blinking, so he really didn’t want me, not sexually and not as anything, just a really clingy, jealous neighbor that took up way too much of his time.

I just nodded; the hurt washed over me again, making it harder to breathe, and I sniffled and hated it. I wasn’t going to cry. Nope, not a f*****g chance. I was already so humiliated before him that it was enough to last a lifetime.

“Yeah, you did, got it.” I just turned my head away. I was so leaving this place the second Ryan transferred the money he f*****g owed me. Jonah could go back to f**k girls on the other side of the wall in peace, without having me being pissed, without having any more reason than that he was nice to me, the nicest guy I had ever met, ever.

“Great…. Just don’t go f*****g crazy again because I said no. You have to accept that. I care about you, I told you that, but me and you, we are not happening. I don’t see you like that, Andrea.” There it was.

The hard cold truth. Just like that, he told me it was nothing, and man, it hurt like hell; the shame in my body and heart was indescribable.

I forced myself to look at him, standing there looking like he was hurting too, and I just sniffled again before smiling the fakest I could. Sure, he was right, and I had to accept it. He didn’t care for me like that. He thought I looked good enough to stare at sometimes, but that was it. He already had prettier and younger girls, and I wouldn’t have picked me either.

“Friends?” I smiled more when he seemed to relax the slightest, the tension in his broad shoulders going down when I was still smiling, the pain was awful, and I just kept pressing down the tears that were pushing up. I just wanted him to leave so that I could cry in peace. But he just stood there and looked at me like he didn’t know what to say, I closed my eyes for too long, making the first tears roll over my face, and I wiped them away, embarrassed, knowing that he knew that he was going to hear me cry on the other side of the wall, or he would if that f*****g music hadn’t been blasting all over us.

“Friends.” He just repeated the word cold, and I nodded again and just looked at my door, and he followed my eyes and gave me a small, sad smile before he turned around and started to walk towards it.

I held my breath when he opened it, and the music became louder. He turned around, this time looking like he really was sorry. I wanted to shake my head. No more f*****g pity. I couldn’t take it, not after today, not after Ryan. I knew I was worthless, to him, to everyone. What was the use of his trying to make it better?

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry….” He closed the door before I could answer, and I really didn’t do anything before I walked over and locked it behind him…so much for me, believing that he would want to spend time with me.

I couldn’t hear if he was still standing on the other side of the door when I let my air go, exhaling, and started to cry the second I did. God, I hated my life; first, Ryan told me that he had found his soulmate, and Jonah told me that I was just a friend, at the bare minimum, just a friendly neighbor that he helped out because she couldn’t even afford to eat. Fantastic.

I walked over to the bedroom at stared at the bed. What the hell was I expecting, that he would just, from nowhere, start to like me? When he had made it perfectly clear that he didn’t, God, I was so stupid! I threw myself on it. I never thought that I would miss the ugly couch, it wasn’t good for my back over even long enough for me to sleep in, but at least it was mine or came along with this place when I rented it. Now, everything in here was a reminder of how stupid I was.

I finally came up for air when I cried into the bedsheets for what felt like forever, leaving a big black spot from my makeup. I made some more sniffles when I saw it, f**k I hated being here!

I wanted to leave, like right now, but the reality was I had nowhere to go. I was stuck with the hot young guy who didn’t want me and the furniture he had bought me, like the charity case I was in.

I got up, washed my face, not looking at myself, and brushed my teeth before crawling in under the cover, feeling like the worst woman in the world, the world's most pathetic creature, having to succumb to the mercy of a guy that still was in school.

I listened to the music for some time before giving up. I still hated it when I leaned underneath the bed and pulled out the box, making me gasp again, f**k. These were expensive, wireless, and cost more than I made in one month! He didn’t need to worry about money like me; it seemed they were black when I took them out and linked them to my phone. How did he know that I wanted that color?

I leaned back into the bed and just played my own music, the sounds of metal filling my ears, and smiled without being able to help it. Finally, no more f*****g house and modern hip hop, no offense to them, but I really didn’t like it, not one bit.

I woke up the next morning, and the headphones were scattered around me and the pillows when I made a small curse and looked at my phone; at least I wasn’t late, but I didn’t want to go back and work. I really didn’t when I groaned and dragged myself up into the shower, brushed my teeth simultaneously, and got dressed in leggings and a big sweater reaching my knees. I had my hair up in a bun and just walked out and stared at my phone when I ate.

So

Everything was great.

Yapp.

Completely fine.

Like I felt like I didn’t want to die when I just scrolled over the feed, finding nothing to make even a small smile at. It was hard to smile when you were dead inside. James would have my head on a platter if I didn’t smile later. I might as well save the fake ones to work when I just washed the plate and got my coat and boots, praying to God that I didn’t see him when I got outside with my new headphones in my ears and just walked out, the music filling every step I took when I already had my keys out and locked quickly without looking to the left, I really, really didn’t want him standing there, letting another girl out when I almost ran to the stairs and slamming the door behind me.

I took the bus to work and cursed, and I knew that I probably had to pay my fines for leaving it so long at Kayla’s place and then cursed some more that she just had disappeared on me. She really could be a b***h when she wanted to be one. She was lucky I loved her; otherwise, I would have dumped her ass long ago.

James was already checking the time on his watch when I walked inside, and I rolled my eyes when I was out of sight. I was five minutes earlier, and he knew it when I changed quickly and walked out to the warehouse. I was in the back today, and I was actually glad. That meant no customers taking up my time with stupid questions and not having a stupid smile on my face. I really didn’t want to smile at all.

I ate lunch, ignoring the comments and pity stares I got from my co-workers. Everyone knew why I was at the hospital, and they thought I was pathetic. Surprise, I was.

I was just about to get back to the locker room when James walked up to me. I was surprised. He hadn’t been on my case like he usually was; in fact, now he was looking at me like he was sorry for me when I just huffed, not another one, I didn’t want it, and I didn’t need his sympathy of all people, he sucked!

“Andrea, you know, you can tell me anything. If I had known just how bad you had it, I would have helped you.” He stopped there when I raised my eyebrows at him, not being able to stop the smirk on my face, mocking him. Help me? Yeah right!

I just stared at him before turning my head. I had enough help, didn’t want it, didn’t need it, and I already had a shitload of debt to Jonah to pay back for all the stuff he got me. I wasn’t going to live off some f*****g charity.

“Yeah, I’m good, James, and it's fine, I’m better now, and my ex is sending me money for the mortgage we have; it's fine.” I started to walk again when he didn’t answer me, and I sighed inside and changed back into the same clothes I had walked in and back out to the bus with the headphones in my ears. I really needed my car back, like now. Asap.

Tomorrow, I was working a shorter shift. I was going to get it, pay whatever they wanted for the old crappy car that was mine, and then I would f*****g call Kayla and tell her that she was the worst friend in the world for bailing on me.

I was already out the door from the stairs when I saw him and the girl he was talking to, f**k! I shifted my eyes fast and looked at my door instead. I didn’t want to see him, it was too soon and too much when I took out my keys, adrenaline rushing my body when I finally got them out and slipped inside, not once looking their way and just closed the door behind me and locked it, I don’t even know why I did it, he wasn’t going to chase after me, ask me how I was doing because he knew why I didn’t want to see him, and it was still hurting like hell when I walked over to the counter and just threw off my coat and keys at it and kept the headphones in my ears, I figured, since the music would start blasting off at his side soon, might as well keep them inside. I sat on the couch, staring at my phone, pretending I was fine.

I was fine.

I was.

I was about to fall asleep when the phone vibrated in my hand. I stared at it with sleepy eyes and felt the hard stab of joy and hate simultaneously when I saw the message that had popped up on my page. What the f**k?! How did he even find me? Did he even care?

“Please don’t tell me that you are going to work every hour of the day, and I have to save you from getting arrested again this weekend?” I just stared at it, no emojis, no indication of what he meant when I put the phone down hard and closed my eyes; if he didn’t care about me, why didn’t he just let me be? He told me, just friends, if even that, and now he wanted to f*****g chat with me when I was just beyond the wall if he needed me, no. I wasn’t doing that.

I deleted it. I had no obligation to answer him when I walked over, made some quick pasta, and ate it in front of the tv, headphones still in. The phone vibrated again when I was gulping down the last of my food. What the f**k did he want now?!

I frowned when I turned it over and saw, to my surprise, that it wasn’t Jonah, it was my so-called best friend, finally coming back from her trip to the Bermuda triangle.

“Andy, I’m so f*****g sorry. I have been away with Austin, that guy at the restaurant that night you left me? he has been taking me on a trip, and I just got back, and I want to f*****g see you so I can tell you all the nasty details in person, make the wine flood bitches!” I just stared at the hundred wine glasses she had, and I sighed, well at least she was safe and not dead….and she hooked up with Austin… I swallowed the small sting of being betrayed again. He told me that he liked me more than her. Another thing the guy told me was a complete lie; go figures.

“Sure, I want to pick up my car anyway. I come by tomorrow.” I didn’t send a smiley, not nothing when she answered back that she was going to be busy until Saturday, and I made a face. Why the f**k did she tell me she was back if I couldn’t see her until Saturday?

“Let’s go out, Austin knows everyone, and he can get anything; just get your ass over to my place this weekend, and you and I are going to get you some d**k, promise!” she sent the f*****g aubergine emoji behind it. Great, just what I needed, more guys being d***s against me, no thanks.

“Yeah, Kayla…. I’m good. I just want to see you, no guy? Okay?” I sighed. She was going to ignore that. She was getting some guy for me to have s*x with, that sounded awful…. I looked over the wall without being able to realize or control it, and I held down my head when I realized what I had done. The first person coming up when I thought of s*x was Jonah, f**k me. I was desperate.

“Still hung up on Ryan, are we? I don’t see the f*****g big deal over him? he is a f*****g bore, a loser dressed in a suit; I’m glad he dumped you, wasn’t any fun.” I just stared at it. Well, she wasn’t wrong, I guess, but maybe he was different now that he had met his soulmate.

I just put the phone away and made myself ready for the night, lying down in bed, ignoring that the time was only ten pm and I wouldn’t be asleep for a long time; with all the s**t going around my head, I should really move, far away.