Pregnant with the Bad Boy

30

I had spent every day in bed, unable to get up more than drag myself to the toilet if even that, I didn't look at the old food my mother had put out for dinner, it was the middle of the night and I lay awake staring out my window, I had seen every leaf on the tree in front of me and cried every time I happened to think of him.

I was in my pink soft dress from my teenage years, one of the things I had left behind when I had taken my things to Dylan, what a stupid b***h I was. I had been trying to escape from the same thing that was right in front of me, a man with darkness in him.

“Jennifer?” Mom looked in, she smiled weakly at me as she knew I was awake and I looked up at her tiredly, she was really worried, I could see it on her face that had lines across that beautiful face, and it was me that had made them on her, I sank down with my eyes guilt ridden over it.

“I'm still here.” my voice was worn out, I didn't even sound like myself anymore, hell he had even taken it away from me.

“Do you want to come down to the living room? -I've made tea.” She looked hopeful as I shook my head, I didn't want any tea. I didn't want any at all.

“please Jennifer.” she begged me now as I turned my head away from her plea, I wanted to be here and be left alone.

She was going to say something but stopped, she had been trying all week, I wouldn't have wanted to then either. She closed the door briefly behind her as she left and I heard her angry voice as she talked to Clark, he was here almost all the time nowadays.

“I'm going to kill him Clark, God forgive me but I'm going to strangle him when I see that boy, he's ruined my daughter...” she was crying now and I pulled my knees up higher and put my hands over my ears, I didn't want to hear any more, I didn't even want to hear a hint about him or what he was or said or did. I just wanted him to disappear out of my life.

They continued to talk low about me and him as Mom was still crying and Clark comforted her and they walked downstairs.

I was ashamed of everything, that I had put myself in this position and that I was a burden to them all, how they had to tiptoe around me as I felt like a piece of glass that if you touched me I would crack and break.

I stared out of the window again, it was dark outside but warm as I lay where I was, frozen, I hadn't even said what had happened, hadn't uttered a word about the horrible scene that had unfolded in front of me as I did everything in my power to push it away.

Mandy had found out about it all anyway for sure and told my mom but neither of them had said a word about it to me as I wouldn't have wanted to hear anyway.

I closed my eyes and prayed to God that I would die where I lay so I wouldn't be a burden to my family, and without me he could move on too.  I didn't even want to think his name as I would start crying again.

I had been awake for a couple of hours before sleep had finally set in and I woke up to find it was light, I had only been asleep for a couple of hours probably.

Mom had changed the tray and it now had breakfast on it, toast with cereal, my stomach churned when I saw the cereal, I looked at it in disgust and pushed the tray further away from me.

I sat up and stared down at the bed, I was hungry, I knew it, but I didn't just feel it, I was staring at the bread on the tray. If I took one of them, my mom wouldn't have to suffer because I didn't eat, and I wouldn't have to suffer her nagging for the next few hours.

I tremblingly took one of the pieces and put a small piece in my mouth, it tasted nothing, just dry and bland.

I took another bite as I saw my mother's face in front of me, how she had cried last night. I swallowed the piece of bread hard and drank some of the water I had been given.

I took one piece at a time until the whole slice of bread was gone. That was enough. I lay back down and closed my eyes.

It wasn't long before I was tossing and turning in bed, and I quickly pulled myself up to the door and crawled to the toilet, throwing up everything I'd eaten.

I was left unwilling to move, I had eaten too much, I hadn't touched food for days and I had stuffed myself with everything at once.

“Jen?” Mandy's voice was heard as I flushed the toilet before she came in so she wouldn't see me as she came in and looked at me worriedly where I was hanging over the toilet.

“How are you?” Her pretty face was really worried when I looked up at her, I was pale and sweaty, but I wanted to laugh at her question as she didn't know that I was more or less just an empty vessel.

“Im fine.” I lied right to her face and she didn't believe me as she helped me up to the sink, I looked at us in the mirror, she was so young and beautiful, so pretty with her pink hair and I was lifeless with my black hair hanging heavily over my face.

She said nothing more, just studied me as I rinsed my mouth and looked up at her scrutinizing gaze in irritation.

“He was here again.” She wouldn't say his name either and I was scratching my head on the china in front of me that she even brought him up.

“So?” I tried to play it cool as she just folded her arms and looked at me unhappily with her big blue eyes.

“I sent him away, he went willingly this time.” She was giggling now, leaning against the sink with her back to the mirror as I swayed from her picking him up.

“he should be damn glad that mom or Clark wasn't here, they would have called the police on him again, or mom would have killed him.” She looked down at the floor as she spoke and I blinked to fight the dizziness that had come over me when she didn't notice me grabbing the sink for dear life.

I didn't answer now but just felt everything slowly go black and Mandy's hysterical screams in the background before I disappeared.

I heard voices and crying from far away as I woke up, my nose burning from disinfectant, and I was lying down in a hospital bed with IVs stuck in my arm while my mom cried outside the door and Mandy sat quietly at one side of the bed looking down at the phone.

I moved, my shoulder hurt, and my arm hurt too, the one I had hurt once before. I pushed that thought away quickly and looked at my family who were in the room when I saw a familiar figure, I had almost thought it was him when I realised it was Dad standing in front of Mom listening intently to everything she said and his face was getting darker by the minute, he was starting to look like he had done before, it hurt me, another thing that was my fault.

I coughed as my mouth was dry from the air here and they all twitched as if they were waiting for me to move.

“My baby!” My mother threw herself to my side and I smiled faintly as she took my hand and kissed it several times, afraid I would fall asleep again.

“Hey Jenni... “Dad’s voice was so sad it made me want to cry myself, I probably would have if I could by now.

“Hey...” I took his other hand shakily and looked longingly at his face which looked at me so sadly as if he had the whole world on his shoulders.

“it's about time, you scared the s**t out of me!” Mandy looked relieved but I could see she had been crying, I was just a worry to them.

“Sorry.” I whispered the word out to them all and no one said anything, mom cried quietly and dad squirmed uncomfortably about what to do, I looked around at them all, I was glad they were all here.

“You fainted.” Mother's voice was so worried and worn out, I was ashamed again to have to be a burden to them.

“And scared the hell out of me.” Mandy was smiling now, trying to make me happy, I smiled weakly at her attempt.

“Because you don't eat.” Dad's voice was harsh, he was furious, and I could understand that he was, but I didn't want to hear it.

“Dad please...” I whispered the words and looked defeatedly down into the duvet as I saw that he had started to get really angry now, the only way he could handle all this.

“No! What the hell! I knew he was trouble when I saw him, the son of a b***h! I should have left him to rot where he was!” I took a breath and held it, I didn't want to hear about him, I really didn't.

“Calm down Ed...” Mom's voice was pleading which he ignored, I felt like I was ten years old again listening to their bickering from my room.

“Calm down!?! Grace I can see what she looks like! she's more or less a walking skeleton by now, and if I'd said something when I last saw her...” he fell silent and I opened my eyes to his defeated form bending down towards mom who took his hand and squeezed it tightly, it was a beautiful moment, there was tenderness left between them, over me and Mandy.

“It wouldn’t had helped me.” I said the words out loud as his dark green eyes looked up at me in surprise making me more uncomfortable seeing the sheer pain in them.

“I've always had these problems, it's not him who made me like this, on the contrary he made me want to get better...” I stopped as the tears welled up in me, I didn't even want to say his name as they looked at me with guilt in their eyes.

“I know...” mom pulled away the tears and looked at me tenderly as she had taken my hand and I was enjoying her warmth.

“But he sure hell didn’t make it better.” Dad's eyes were vindictive, like he hadn't become a good person who lived a good normal life with his family happily.

“No... he didn't...” I tightened my hand and rubbed my face, I wanted to be better for them, but it wasn't going to be easy.

“Just leave him alone dad.” I looked seriously into his eyes from which my own came. He clenched his jaws tightly and didn't answer me as I had already seen that what he was planning in his head.

“he's been here too...” Mandy's voice made us all turn towards her, and she looked questioningly at my parents who both looked at her admonishingly as if she'd said the last thing, they wanted me to hear.

“He can burn in hell.” I said the words dryly at her revelation, of course he had been here, Lorraine had probably dumped him for a new guy, and he was expecting me to come crawling back the minute he was alone again, never again.

They were silent about what I had said, Mandy looked tearful, as if she had given up all hope of love when I had been completely serious.

“that’s right sweetheart, there are more fish in the sea. Dad looked pleased now as if I had said it for him, I just looked at him quickly with my blank stare and stared ahead which made him uncomfortable, or I was making anyone uncomfortable at the moment.

I have your phone here... Mandy put it on my side table but I didn't look at it, I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to see what he said, how he was going to excuse himself like.

“I want to sleep now.” I didn't look at any of them and they bolted, mom didn't want to go but I quickly looked at her as dad pulled her along and Mandy went out first, they all looked sadly at me as they left and I closed my eyes.

They had me on several drips I had seen as the needle in my hand testified to how bad I really was, I had thought I was okay, that I could survive this without help, nothing could have been further from the truth.

I woke up again, I didn't know what time it was just that a nurse who was talking to me was changing the IV and I didn't care about her honestly, I just wanted to get well enough to get home and then we'd see.

I didn't even have my things left. He could do what he wanted with them, he could burn them if he wanted, I was going to buy new, I could probably ask Dad to sponsor me, he wouldn't say no.

I blinked at the bright tubes in the ceiling that blinked back, I hated everything here, it was the worst place on earth.

I wished he was here. I allowed myself that thought, I didn't want to think any further than that, just that he was here. And that he was holding me. That was all.

I tossed and turned unsteadily in bed, needed to pee but I didn't have the energy to get out of bed, I made a move and got up, I was a bit dizzy, but I was fine and I put my bare feet down on the cold floor, I shivered and took a tentative step as I stood up, I wasn't dying, I could walk.

“Why are you not lying down?!” I turned around and saw my father standing there, leaning wearily against the opening, and I smiled faintly at him.

“Bathroom.” He immediately came to my side and helped me in and closed the door after I had looked at him like he was crazy as he had intended to wait with the door open.

I got up again and pulled the door open, it already felt better to walk around, I could do this.

“Are you okay baby girl?” Dad's voice was worried, and I smiled at myself in the mirror, I understood what my family had meant now, I was thin, too thin for it to look normal.

“Im fine.” I shook off my hands as the paper was too far away and opened the door where he immediately let me lean on him, it felt good that he was here, I had missed him more than I had thought I would.

He put me down on the bed and sat opposite me on the chair, his broad profile looking ridiculous on the small hospital chair, and I laughed for the first time since it all happened.

“You look ridiculously big on that.” I pointed to the chair he was sitting on as he looked up at me and smiled at the laughter, it made him more relieved to see me like this.

“it's because they are mad for toddlers.” he laughed out loud his warm laughter, I had really missed him.

“I heard you got engaged...” he looked up at me and my heart sank, that silly bit of my life. Right.

“yes, it's true.” I hadn't even thought of telling Dad, I was ashamed of it too.

“but it's over now right? you don't want to go back to him?” His voice got angrier now and I quickly shook my head, it was a lie, but it was a lie I needed to tell myself too.

“not since he made out with Lorraine Masters in the parking lot.” I was completely falling apart now, I hadn't talked at all about what had happened with anyone and it felt weird that it would be Dad that I was opening up to.

“Lorraine Masters?” He searched his memory before a picture popped into his head and I smiled at his nostalgia.

“You mean Joey's daughter, the little blonde girl who screamed at everyone, Scrawny kid.” I laughed softly at his memory.

“She doesn't look like that now, more like every man's dream...” I fell silent again and he bit his lip hard, neither of us was good at this.

“I'm sorry Jenni, for everything.” He looked up at me and I knew he didn't mean Dylan, or Lorraine, he meant everything in between when he had pulled away from us.

“I know dad.” My voice wasn't harsh or hateful anymore, I think I'd even forgiven him.

“I'm not angry anymore.” He was smiling now, I was happy for him, I really hoped that one day I wouldn't be either, even if it didn't feel like that at the moment.

“I'm happy for you dad... “I put my hand on his arm where he was sitting and leaned on his fists under him against his knees.

“I know I've been a total failure as a father to you and Mandy, and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life...” his voice was sad now as I smiled at his suffering face.

“Be a better one then.” I said the words as he would have said them as he started laughing at my answer.

“Absolutely, I will do everything I can for you. He meant me, Mandy and Levi.” I hadn't forgotten about my half-brother.

“I'd like to see them sometime, when I'm better...” I was still smiling as he shown up now as if his whole world had been sunny.

“Of course, you will, I want Levi to meet his sisters, and you'll like Linda, she's a tough chick but she'll keep an eye on me.” I laughed at his speech, and it felt good.

“Can I see a picture of them?” He nodded eagerly and pulled out his phone and showed a picture of a woman with brown curly hair and a crooked smile and freckles, she had a boy in front of her with big green eyes and brown curly hair, he was laughing at the picture with a spade. I smiled with tears in my eyes, he was wonderful.

“He is verry cute, they both are...” I ran my hand over his arm, and he proudly pulled the phone down, I was happy that he had a new life, that they both had it where they didn't have to be unhappy, neither mom nor him.

“You can stay with me if you want, we have room if you feel Perryville is too crowded.” I laughed, maybe, it would be nice to get away and maybe being back in Oklahoma would make me feel better.

“I'll be in touch...” looked shyly at his offer as he nodded again.

“You and Mandy, of course.” He quickly looked out towards the waiting room where they were probably still sitting.

“Go home now, everyone.” I said the words sternly as he rolled his eyes at my order.

“I'm going to the hotel; I'm not going to be around that Reverend Clark all the time...” he chuckled, and I leaned over and hugged the big man he was tight as his arms held me tight like I was a child again.

“Call me, about anything, and if that son of a b***h shows up, you let me know, Okay?!” His voice was getting darker by the second as I just smiled at his concern.

“Its fine dad, I don't want to see him at all.” I waved my hand, hoping Mom would be dragged along by Dad so I didn't have to worry about them, I heard Mom's protests as Dad pushed her out and Mandy laughed in the background as they left, it felt good to have them here, but nice to be left alone too.

I lay down again, I was exhausted by everything again, there was ridiculously little I could do, I assumed that's what fasting for a whole week would do. I stared up at the ceiling. One day at a time Jennifer, I repeated the words until I fell back asleep.

I woke up to someone being there, in the room with me, I thought it was some nurse and was just about to close my eyes again when I heard his voice.

“Hey babe.” I opened my eyes in horror and sat up quickly, too quickly my head was spinning before I could focus fully on his figure standing in the corner with his cap in hand, for a few seconds I had forgotten everything and smiled happily at his presence before it all came crashing down on me, Lorraine. He had kissed her.

“Dylan...” I suffered from saying his name as he came closer into the light of the hospital bed and I gasped, he looked just like when I met him, like a god with his beautiful face and broad handsome body approaching me with cautious steps.

“How did you get in here?” I looked around for the alarm button as he held up his hands to show he wasn't here to start a fight before sitting down next to me.

“The truth, I told them I am your fiancé.” His eyes were mysterious as I laughed at his answer, it tasted as bitter as it felt.

“Not anymore.” I looked angrily at his sad face; he was ashamed. Good! I wanted him to die if I was honest, but at the same time I just wanted him to be close to me again, like we had been before….before that f*****g skank ha laid her hands on him.

“that's why you still have the ring?” He looked at my hand and I looked down at it in a panic and started to twist it off and put it angrily on the table next to him and he dropped his head, he thought I would forgive him, I would never forgive him.

“There. it's gone.” I bit my lip hard, the image of how he looked at her had already burned itself onto my retina and I wanted to vomit from seeing it every time I closed my eyes.

“I know I ruined everything...” he looked down as I chuckled again, he ruined everything? was all he had to say.

“I never want to see you again. Do you understand that?" I hissed the words as he looked up at me angrily as if I had been the one cheating.

“I forgave you, the time you made out with that guy at the bar in front of me, can't you do the same?” His eyes were scared but he hid it with anger like he always did.

“We weren't even together then! Are you seriously comparing that guy at the bar to Lorraine? Who you've been together with!?” I hissed the words, if I screamed, I knew he'd won, that's how he worked.

“it was a kiss! Just one! I don't want her, Jennifer. I just want you.” He wasn't angry anymore when he shut up and I looked at him sadly, he hadn't understood anything at all.

“I saw the way you looked at her...” I was fighting so hard against the tears now, he always made me cry that bastard.

He just looked at me confusedly like he didn't know what I meant, and I sighed loudly at his stupidity.

“I might have been able to forgive you for a kiss but not the way you looked at her when she came forward, like you forgot I existed...” I quickly whipped away one of the tears that had come up and he looked ashamed now that he understood what I was talking about.

“You still love her Dylan.” I said the words trembling and let the tears that came up my throat break out and I put my head down on my drawn-up knees and cried loudly. He just looked at me with his big grey eyes like he didn't know what to say, but I had told him the truth.

“That's probably the worst part, that I was just her backup, until she got free, and you could have her again...” I didn't even look up now and he didn't say anything to me for a while.

“Yes, I still love her...” his voice was weak now and I remained lying, I didn't want to hear their love story.

“But not like I love you...” I looked up at his face, he was looking at me with tears in his eyes now with his hands over his mouth as I screamed in frustration into the covers.

“No! No! You can't say that to me! You chose her, Dylan! YOU!” I shrieked and he shook his head several times.

“No that's not true, I would never choose her over you, you are my life Jen!” His voice was shaky, and I cried louder, now someone had probably heard us, I hoped they wouldn't call my parents because I could only handle one crisis at a time.

“So why the f**k did you kiss her!?” I angrily kicked my feet in the duvet like a child as he answered honestly.

“I don't know, we have a lot of history together and I don't know what happened... I stopped in my outburst.” There it was. There was the truth.

“Which you and I don't have, we're just strangers when it comes down to it, aren't we?!” I looked at him urgently, wanting him to admit it.

“We are not strangers Jen.” His eyes were red, I guess he had cried too, I hoped it hurt as much if not more in him as it did in me.

“Aren’t we? Like you said in the beginning, I'm just another girl you f****d for what? Money? Is that what you wanted? Did you think I could give you everything you didn't have before?!”  I looked coldly at his suffering face that got darker with every question I spat at his face until he was bright red and black in the eyes.

“Don’t you dare f*****g say that again! I have never asked you for a penny! Never!” His voice was threatening, and I laughed at his anger, it felt good to get even.

“Just admit it, you saw me, you know you're good looking and knew I'd be stupid enough to be fooled by you, that's why you wanted to get married so fast, get me pregnant so you could have a nice life knowing that my dad would support us?!” I fumed as he slammed his fist into the next table so the ring flew off across the floor and I watched his anger amused, he wasn't scaring me, I had already lost everything, he could do what he wanted with me.

“I wanted to marry you because I love you!” He roared now and I grabbed his shirt and pulled him to me before kissing him deeply, he quickly responded by letting his tongue slide into my mouth and I let him do it so my body screamed for him before I had pushed him away again.

“that's the last thing you got from me, Dylan Hopper.” I took off his mother's cross and threw it at his confused look as I closed my eyes and turned away from his devastated expression, now he knew what it felt like to be abandoned by the one you loved.

“Goodbye Jennifer Thompson.” I screamed as he made his way into the pillow, and I knew it was over.