Pregnant with the Bad Boy

31

I was finally home again, they'd had me in hospital for nearly a month and every day had been pure f*****g hell as I'd gained enough weight for them to send me home, I sat gratefully at home in the yard with mum on one side and Clark on the other and I chewed slowly on a piece of bread, I hadn't told them that Dylan had come to visit, my chest tingled when I thought of him, it was still hard some days to breathe but it was getting easier with every passing minute, Dylan had quit the stables Mandy hadn't been able to stop gossiping, I had listened even though I didn't want to hear it. I looked at the phone, Dad had texted again, and I answered him quickly, I was going to stay with him until the beginning of the fall when school started again, I longed with all my heart to leave Perryville even if Mom and Mandy were here, even Clark was okay nowadays.

Mum looked at me approvingly as I took another piece of bread and spread jam on it and pushed it into my mouth, I had improved and if I hadn’t, I had three watchful eyes on me as Clark was more or less living here with us now.

“So, what do you want to do today Jennifer?” I shrugged my shoulders at my mother's encouraging comment, I guess I should do what I always did, lie in bed and cry when I felt like it.

“she's coming with me! and I want to borrow the car!” Mandy's voice was heard as I looked up wearily at her spunky face and sighed loudly, no I didn't want to whatever it was.

“But it can be fun, can't it, honey? Or you could help me and Clark at church.” She looked at me sweetly and I immediately stood up, never intending to do any boring church work.

“Yeah, I'm coming with you...” Clark just looked at me quickly before looking down at the magazine again, he knew when to shut up anyway.

“Great! Go and change! No sweatpants, please!” Mandy continued to walk up to her mother, who gave her the keys to her Mercedes with a determined look.

“a scratch and I'll deduct it from your inheritance, so you know.” Mandy rolled her eyes and laughed I laughed a little too as I walked slowly up to my bedroom, I didn't have that many things left here, maybe it was just as well I went with Mandy, maybe we could burn through Dad's credit card for once and buy more clothes.

“Hurry up!” My little sister's voice was sharp and impatient as I found a black top with a pair of patterned tights with flowers on it, I might look like someone's grandmother, but I didn't care, I took what suited the moment as everything was too big or too small at the same time, I didn't even understand it myself, my body was not what I was used to after everything that had happened.

I looked at myself in the mirror, I think all my regular eating had paid off as I had got my ass back a bit and breasts, even my stomach had put on a bit. I was pleased about that as I would be spared the scrutiny of family, even my dad in Oklahoma was watching me every so often, it was incredibly annoying.

“Jen!” I hurried downstairs where my sister was swinging the keys impatiently and quickly looked at me from head to toe.

“you'll do.” She turned and left, and I looked at my mother who was dramatically rolling her eyes at my sister's behaviour.

We got in the car; I couldn't believe my mother let Mandy drive her Mercedes.

“She must be pretty desperate to get us out if she lets you drive.” I laughed at her sullen face as she slyly started the engine and turned all too quickly around the yard and drove quickly out onto the dirt road toward town.

I leaned against the window, I hadn't been in town for a long time, not since I last lived with Dylan... I cleared my throat and pushed the thought away as I wanted to be happy, not ruin the whole day by sitting and being sad as Mandy tried to cheer me up.

“so where are we going?” I looked nervously at her secretive gaze as she drove out onto the public road and switched up the speed dial.

“you'll see.” She laughed as we were going way too fast to be legal and she quickly turned onto a side street and stopped. I got out and looked incredulously at where she had taken me.

“a beauty salon? For real?” I stared at the sign incredulously as she grabbed my hand and dragged me inside.

“I never said it was something you wanted to do, but now that you're here, you might as well accept your fate.” She laughed out loud as I let myself be pulled along and went in, there were only two customers in there apart from the two of us, I saw Mandy walk up and talk to one of the women who worked there as they showed us to two stations, and I put my hands in the water. This was more for her sake than mine as the girl in front of me was doing my nails, she was talking and I was answering occasionally, it felt good as she painted them a light pink colour that wasn't too garish.

Mandy's nails on the other hand were shockingly pink, I wasn't the least bit surprised.

We sat on a couple of highchairs and two women scrubbing our feet, it felt weird but good at the same time as I looked at my sister's small feet that looked like a fairy in comparison to mine.

“Mads, you're the best.” I smiled at her as I closed my eyes and leaned back, and she laughed out loud.

“You know it.” She giggled again and I enjoyed being happy, not once since I came in here had I thought about him, and it was a nice break from mourning our relationship every second, every minute of my waking time.

“It will get better.” It was like she knew what I was thinking as I stretched and looked at my pink toenails with satisfaction, they looked amazing.

“I know, but it will take time...” I sighed but not as deeply as before when she took my hand and we walked out after she paid.

“Now let's see what Dad's card is made of.” She smiled slyly again and we drove on, she pulled me into every shop that was inside the mall and I was wearing a white dress that was stuck to my body, every shape of my body showing in the bone white creation that made me look sophisticated with a pair of black high heels that I had reluctantly put on when she nagged them on me and I felt good, for the first time in a long time, I saw several of the men looking at us and I blushed when one of the cashiers had asked for my number, Mandy had pushed me but I had been too shy simply to say yes, I was not at all my old self anymore doing what I wanted, I was reserved, against everyone and everything.

“Next stop.” She pointed towards the same salon where I cut my hair last time and I immediately became unsure, what if Lorraine was there? I couldn't bear to see her; I didn't want her to even breathe the same air as me.

“Relax sis, I'm here.” Mandy smiled confidently and I nodded, I got this, it was just hair when it came down to it.

We went in and I stood a little behind Mandy, it must have looked funny as I was taller and older, and I was almost hiding behind my little sister who was acting like the world was her playground.

I sat down and immediately felt calmer as I didn't have to stand up and someone could see me, I smiled gratefully at the hairdresser who chatted with me a bit and asked what I wanted before she suggested a bangs and cutting my hair up a bit to my ears, I shrugged, and she smiled understandingly and started cutting. I glanced towards Mandy who was of course going to dye her pink hair. I rolled my eyes, so it would take time in other words.

I watched in amazement as the hairdresser expertly shaped my hair to her own liking and I ended up with a wider bangs and hair that ended just below my ears, looking like a sophisticated version of myself as she smiled in satisfaction at my amazement and admired how good I looked in the short haircut, I thanked her and stood up, Mandy was of course not finished and I paid for it myself, I was going to save Dad the trouble after all he had spent on all the clothes that were now in the trunk of the Mercedes.

I took a quick look at myself in one of the big mirrors, I looked good, I hardly recognised myself as I had been dragging myself around in sweatpants for the past few months.

I quickly picked up the phone and decided to look around myself, I felt brave that I didn't look like myself anymore and I didn't want to sit and watch them wash my sister's hair.

I quickly texted her that I was going for a walk, and I put the phone down firmly and quickly walked out through the now quite crowded mall, I saw people looking at me and I laughed joyless on the inside, they would just know that I was just a shell really, that everything I was wearing could never heal me, but it helped cover up the worst of the wounds that had s***h me deeper than anything else in my short life.

I strolled around until I discovered I had ended up at the electronics store that the guy I had kissed once worked at, I don't know why but I walked in, curious if he was there and looked around worriedly, no I was just being silly, of course he wasn't here and I walked around looking for him, God I was so lame thinking he might be here.

“You again.” I spun around and there he was, the handsome, brown-eyed man from the bar, I stuttered as I spoke.

“Me again...” I could have hit myself for how stupid I sounded but he just laughed at me as I had made a joke and stood idly with his arms folded and quickly weighed his feet.

“Were you looking for something special or do you just want another kiss?” I laughed in surprise at his suggestion and blushed as he laughed at my embarrassment in amusement.

“I don't know...” I had no idea what to say, the only man I had been with was Dylan and he always said what he thought and made me answer it.

“Yeah, I know, it can be hard to know, there's a lot to choose from...” his eyes sparkled, and I didn't know what we were talking about, but I was embarrassed.

“I'm sorry... I shouldn't have bothered you...” I was just about to walk away when he stopped me gently with his hand.

“So that's another kiss then?” His eyes were playful, and I put my hand over my mouth as if he had said something forbidden.

“I don't know what I want honestly...” I looked stupidly at his thoughtful face as he gazed at me trying to decide if I was worth the trouble or not, I hoped he would think so.

“How about we meet sometime if you want to review the proposal?” I actually chuckled at the way he talked, it wasn't at all like Dylan, he was more soft-spoken and gentler even though he seemed used to getting what he wanted.

“May I see your phone?” He held out his hand and I gave it willingly as he quickly tapped it and handed it back, I looked fascinated at his face that looked like he had it all figured out and I had absolutely nothing figured out at all.

“Thanks...” I took it again and brushed his fingers lightly and he looked at me with a big, charming smile before he turned and walked away. I stood there looking after him for longer then was needed before looking down at what he had written.

GRANT.

I smiled and pulled the phone closer to me as I turned and walked back to the salon with quick steps where Mandy was waiting for me, she must have just finished as her hair was glowing a bright bubble-gum pink.

She looked at my goofy face where I had slowed down and walked the next few steps up to her sceptical face.

“What is it?” she smiled in amusement at my joy as I was still holding the phone after he gave it back to me, it was strange, but I had enjoyed talking to him, or at least the little bit I had dared.

“I got a number.” I bit my lip nevrous as she broke into a scream and clapped her hands and I followed her movement and we stood and giggled so people around were rolling their eyes at us, but I didn't care, I felt happy right now, I don't know what I wanted with this guy other than that he made me forget to be sad when I talked to him and that he made me smile. But that had to be enough for now.

“So… who was it? We walked through the mall, and I was still holding the phone as she looked at me scrutinizing until I put it down.

“Remember that guy I kissed at the bar, before everything with ...him...” I didn't want to ruin my day as her eyes got as big as saucers.

“Wait, you mean the salesman who hit on you?” I nodded, technically I'd bumped into him first, but it wasn't something Mandy knew about.

“Wow...” she fell silent, unsure of what to say, before looking up at me brightly with confident eyes.

“As long as you're happy, I'm happy.” I laughed and crossed arms with her as we walked back to the car.

“we better get home before mom puts us on the FBI’s most wanted.” I laughed and she looked pleased, I could tell she was trying to make me happy, and I was so grateful for that.

“Not me, I don't have a schedule to follow.” She playfully stuck out her tongue as I pulled her out into the parking lot.

“I want to drive this time.” I put my hand out and she looked at me with her big blue innocent eyes as if that would help.

“But... but...” she put them out and dramatically put her hand over her forehead like she was in a Shakespeare play as I quickly took them before she had time to change her mind.

“Ha!” I dangled them victoriously as she pouted and walked with clumsy steps to the other side and sat down.

I got in, it was bigger than I thought, it wasn't a truck, but I could get used to driving it.

“Just drive already.” Mandy's voice was sour now as I laughed and backed out carefully from the absolute tightest parking space she could find.

“I'm happy for you, that you are brave to meet someone else.” I looked at her quickly as we drove out of the parking lot and I smiled faintly at her encouragement.

“We'll see, for now I'm content not to be sad all the time...” she looked at my sad face and probably regretted having said anything.

“you really loved him? Didn't you?” I swallowed hard and drove up the highway home as I nodded sadly at her questions.

“more than anyone will understand.” It didn't feel the same when I thought of him, I still missed him but the pain had become a little duller with time.

“I hope I meet someone I love so much someday.” I wanted to laugh at her innocence, but I remained silent because I knew she only wanted well but I didn't wish what I felt on anyone else, it was a horrible feeling when the one you loved most in the world betrayed you.

“me too Mads.” I smiled at her as she sighed romantically and I drove off the motorway towards the Thompson farm, I just hoped she didn't meet someone like Dylan Hopper.

I shook myself and thought of Grant, from the store instead, I smiled now, I would probably write to him and ask if he wanted to see, then we'd see how it went.

I stopped softly in the yard and we went outside, I was actually laughing now and Mandy opened the trunk and grabbed all the bags she didn't have to buy given her wardrobe then I grabbed my bags and we went in together, mom and Clark were gone and I quickly went up and put the bags in my room, it felt good, I would write thanks to dad later no matter what Mandy did or didn't do, I suspected she used it a lot more than was needed.

I opened the closet doors and threw out everything old, I saved nothing and put it in a garbage bag, no old Dylan t-shirts or cut-off jeans, that era of my life was over.

I looked pleased at the categorised wardrobe with everything Mandy had splurged on me, I had even bought lingerie and a couple of dresses that hung and looked beautiful on the hangers, maybe I could wear them if I met Grant? I smiled secretly to myself and ran my hand over the new clothes before closing the doors and sitting down on the bed and picking up the phone, was it too desperate if I typed right away? Probably. I put it back down, God this was so hard. If only I knew what to do when I liked someone, not just move in with them right away and get married... my smile turned sad as I thought about everything that had happened in a short time.

Fuck him. I picked up the phone and texted Grant, asking if he wanted to meet up sometime. I was sweating as I hit the send button and immediately regretted having done so.

It's okay, he'll answer, right? I looked nervously at the phone; he hadn't answered yet.

I stood up and paced nervously back and forth before I remembered that I was going to eat again. I sighed and took my phone down to the kitchen, there was stew in the fridge and I grabbed a big bowl and filled it up.

I looked at the phone, no answer. He probably wouldn't answer.

I took out the plate and sat down at the kitchen island, hungrily eating the meat that was in it when the phone finally vibrated.

I looked quickly but there were just some ads about something I didn't care about.

I ate more and gave up, he must have thought I was too crazy, and he had seen what Dylan had done to the first man who came on to me at the bar.

I slumped down and looked at the food sadly before I put another piece of meat in and chewed slowly, well I had tried anyway. I was about to rinse the plate and put it in the counter when it vibrated again, and I jumped with my heart in my throat.

It was him! I screamed out loud and jumped up and down with the joy that was coursing through me.

He politely replied that we could meet up for the weekend, I grinned and quickly replied that he could choose when, I didn't care if it was desperate. It was what I wanted.

Mandy came in just as I was standing looking into the phone looking silly and she smiled at my lame behaviour and sat down at the island where I was standing.

I guess the salesguy answered? She looked up at me from under her pink bangs and I nodded stupidly, I don't know why I was so happy, part of me still loved Dylan but I also knew that he had let me down, thrown away what we had, and I had to move on.

“He wants to meet up soon.” I smiled happily as I looked at her as she smiled back weakly, I know she was waiting for me to go back to Dylan, but that was never going to happen.

“Mads... I know Dylan meant a lot to you too...” I stopped and looked pleadingly into her eyes as I continued.

“I’m sorry… For taking him away from you. I swallowed, I knew Mandy had had her own relationship with him, he had supported her when things were at their most difficult and I know that bond was hard to cut.

Her smile widened a little as she watched with her understanding big baby blue eyes.

“It's okay, it's not like I'm putting him in front of you, you're my sister and there are other stable hands you know…” I put my hand on her shoulder and hugged it, God I loved her.

“Mandy, you really are the best, you'll be a good president someday.” She laughed outright at what I'd said before glancing at the phone where my conversation with Grant lay open.

“So, where is he going to take you then?” She tried to see as much as she could as I shrugged.

“I don't know, it doesn't matter.” I laughed as she rolled her eyes at my playfulness, but she was glad I wasn't crying anymore, and so was I.

 I went up to the room again, but I didn't lie down this time but sat on the bed and watched our short conversation, God I was really desperate. I put the phone away and quickly felt around my neck out of habit to find there was nothing there.

I swallowed the lump in my throat until I had just figured out what I had done, the cross that Dylan had given me used to be there, and now it was gone, just as he was.

I lay down on the bed and closed my eyes, no it was fine, it was going to be fine, I had had a good day today, I wasn't going to cry as I quickly sat back up determined not to be sad again.

“Get a grip of yourself.” I walked over to the computer and turned it on, I sat for a while and looked around, Mandy had said something about finding instructions on how to do make-up, I looked in amazement at all the thousands of videos out there. I quickly looked through one, it looked simple, but I doubted my hands wouldn't work as habitually as the person on the video, my own still trembled from time to time, it was nothing medical just that I was nervous all the time, Dylan had left his mark hard on me whether I wanted him to or not.

I quickly went and borrowed one of Mandy's many bags of makeup and tested myself out until I looked reasonable, it wasn't perfect, and far from how they looked on the video, but it would have to do for now, I would get better, I was going to get better at it.

I watched until I heard Mom's voice from down the hall and of course Clark. I rolled my eyes, why he didn't just move in here was a mystery to me since he basically already did.

I switched off and went downstairs as I felt the matzo coming up, it smelled amazing as usual, it even curled in me as I walked casually down the stairs and into the kitchen where Mum and Clark were, they both stopped when they saw me and I looked shyly at them where they had stopped what they were doing.

“Does It look that bad?” I sat down on one of the bar stools next to Clark as my mother smiled at me and shook her head at my uncertainty.

“No, honey, you're so beautiful, I just wasn't ready to see you....” She paused looking for the word as Clark filled in.

“Living.” He smiled kindly at me as I nodded gratefully, I felt more alive, even if it was only the outside of me that was different it helped to make me a little more confident.

yeah, I was finally feeling like i was living again.