Pregnant with the Bad Boy

28

This time it was dark outside, and I sighed, why hadn't Dylan woken me up? now I had officially turned the clock back. I tiredly pulled myself up and fetched the phone from the kitchen to find he wasn't here, I quickly looked at where I had put the car keys, that snake! He had been up for a day, and he was already out driving. I sighed and quickly looked at the phone, he had written I read moody that he had gone to the stables quickly but would be back soon. I put the phone back down. sure. If I understood him correctly then he was already back at work even though he could barely walk.

I opened the fridge where there was a carton of eggs and three beers. Perfect. I quickly fried three eggs and threw them in, they were the tastiest I had ever eaten in my life as I was still standing and eating when I happened to look at the table where the test was still lying and my stomach sank again from the feeling I had had before I fell asleep. I quickly put the plate down, I had finished it all but now it felt like it was all stuck in my throat and threatening to come back up as I awkwardly put my hand to my mouth.

Please don't make me vomit again. I held the cross as I thought and finally overcame the cramping feeling that made me want to vomit.

I quickly took the test and threw it away without looking at it as little as possible, it still felt confusing that I was relieved and sad at the same time.

I quickly cleaned the kitchen. s**t. I didn't want to be sad. I wanted to be happy that I didn't have to be my own mother, I stood still with the cloth, I wondered what she had been thinking when she found out she was expecting me, I continued, I wouldn't ask her either if I was honest, but she would probably have been as panicked as I had been and still been able to handle it.

Mom was strong, I realized, stronger than Dad who had just given up and left. I had a new respect for her.

I cleaned up the last of the mess and decided to write to her, I didn't want to talk as I was most likely going to tell her everything that had happened today, and I don't think mum was ready for that conversation on the long way.

I sat down on the couch and threw my feet up on the other side, I froze and pulled Dylan's thick sweater quickly over my head, I had my own clothes of course but I loved being in his as they made me feel safe and his scent made everything better when he wasn't around.

I wrote with mom quickly back and forth she wanted us to come over for the end of the week, Sunday specifically. I sighed and texted that I would tell Dylan, she was probably bubbling over with joy on the other side, it was just as well to bull by the horns, if Mandy hadn't gossiped by then I would have revealed that we were engaged, I quickly looked down at my hand, that had been the least of my problems today.

I put the phone down, where was Dylan. I looked at the clock, he had written around seven and it was nearly nine thirty at night, not that I cared, I was wide awake, but I was worried that he had had to go into hospital again because he had overworked his feet.

I quickly typed for him and stared at the screen, no response. I threw the phone down, I was going to strangle him when he came back, I was stuck here alone, and he was God knows where and didn't hear from me.

I turned on the TV, it didn't amuse me in the slightest as I just looked at the phone, he hadn't answered yet as I frustratedly turned off the TV and went to the bedroom, I might as well lie down comfortably if I was going to wait for him, that was the worst thing. I had always buried myself in studies and school, so I had ignored friends, it felt stupid now that I didn't even have that to distract me with.

I closed my eyes as the phone vibrated and I opened the short message from him.

Coming soon. I looked at it sceptically, coming soon, was that all? Nothing more? Not even a heart? I looked angrily at the stupid message. Had he gone nuts since this morning, had the whole pregnancy thing freaked him out so much he couldn't even get in touch? I opened my eyes, no he had said he was disappointed too, and I believed him.

I was disappointed, I had begun to realise, I wanted so much to give him everything and what could I give him more that I loved him than to have his child? I smiled stupidly at the thought, I really was ridiculous now, not a bit better than my romantic sister it seemed.

I must have closed my eyes when I woke up to the pounding in the hallway and I pulled the covers up in fright, was that Dylan? Why hadn't he called out?

“Dylan?” I even sounded scared, perfect.

“yeah it's me...” he sounded different and I got out of bed and stood in the doorframe of the bedroom, he was leaning against the wall by the front door and had thrown one shoe towards the kitchen, that's what I had heard.

“are you okay? Is it your feets?” I tried to walk up to his bent body when he looked up at me and I stopped short. His eyes were cloudy, red-rimmed and unfocused.

He stank of booze and cigarette smoke for miles around, burning my nose.

“No, I'm not okay, Jen.” His speech was tired and he had a sharp tone in his voice that I didn't like to hear from him.

I remained uncertain, I had not seen him drunk, not even the time I had been, but of course then he had been working.

“can I do anything?” I stood with my arms around myself, looking at him anxiously, not knowing what else to do but try to get him to the bed.

He stood up now, became his full height and for the first time since I met him he looked more frightening than reassuring in my eyes like I couldn't trust him which killed me without me even realizing it myself.

“what the hell are you going to do?” He snorted hard and threw the other shoe into the kitchen with a thud so I flinched, this wasn't him, or was it them? Maybe he was a pig when he was drunk, what did I know? But I felt like I should have seen it on him before in that case.

“something.” I said the word quietly and he turned completely towards me and I backed off without thinking, he looked angry again and I didn't want to make him more annoyed.

“You can't do anything, the only thing you can do is cry about how life is unfair to you and that I will comfort you.” He looked coldly into my eyes. What did he just say to me. Every hair on my body stood up, how dare he speak against me like that of all people!

He sat down heavily on the couch in front of me as I followed him every step of the way and I strained against his throat that was constricting so tightly I couldn't breathe, why was he so f*****g mean to me all of a sudden?

-be f*****g careful Dylan Hopper! I stuck my finger in his face as he rolled his eyes at my anger and I was even more pissed off at his nonchalance as he ignored me and put his feet up on the table, they were bloody again but he didn't care as I stared angrily at his stupid face towards me.

“How dare you say that to me?!” I had put my hands on my sides now and was staring defiantly at his large figure who just groaned at my anger as it was just annoying.

“Put it down babe, we both know you'll just end up saying sorry and crying, then you'll want me to f**k you when you're done crying.”

I lost all colour from my face, was that how he looked at me?I looked away and he said nothing more as I felt more angry than ever at him right now.

“so what's wrong!?” I looked angrily at his slumped body, swaying off and on so slightly that it was hard to perceive.

“I don't know, but I feel like everything is just crap right now.” His voice was angry and I dropped to my knees in front of him, I wasn't going to give in yet, he was only like this when he was angry or sad about something.

“so, everything is s**t right now, it will get better.” I tried to touch his hand, but he pulled it away, I looked sad at his de-icing, I understood he was upset but he wouldn't say what.

“How? How will it get better?” he looked at me now with his big sad eyes and I reached out until I touched his arm, this time letting me do it.

“Dylan, just tell me what it is, I can't do anything if you don't talk to me.” I looked into the misty eyes that were trying to focus on me, I was more or less pleading.

“I wanted you to be pregnant Jen! Okay!” He snorted and angrily wiped away a tear that had fallen down his cheek.

“Why?” I was disappointed too, but he thought I didn't care it seemed.

“Because if you were, you could never leave me, we could be a family.” His voice was sad and I understood that this was so much bigger than him being sad about a child who never existed.

“I will never leave you, whether we have children or not Dylan.” I grabbed his hands and made him look at me.

He didn't respond to that but just grunted and looked angrily at me again as I let go of his hands, I didn't understand why he was angry with me, I had been as disappointed and sad as he was.

“You think it's my fault?” I twisted my cross nervously as he threw his head back and groaned loudly at my question.

“No!” How could it be your fault!?” He was staring up at the ceiling now and I bit my lip before answering.

“because you think I was just happy I wasn't pregnant.” I stopped and mumbled into the darkness; it was hard to say out loud, but it was the truth.

He was still stretched out on the couch with his legs on my side where I squatted in front of him.

“I know you were sad too, but you don't understand what it's like to be all alone Jen, since my mum died I haven't had a family at all, it felt good that maybe I could have one again...” his confession hurt me, I understood why he was so angry but I had hoped he could say it without getting drunk.

“I was sad too Dylan, more than you think...” I sat down on my backside instead as he looked my way like he didn't believe me which made me angrier.

“But you got scared too.” His words were like a slap in the face, f**k him. I pursed my lips at his apt truths.

“you too.” I blinked blankly into the darkness as he muttered something I couldn't hear.

“Dylan just says what you want to say...” I sighed, it was too late to sit and pretend like nothing at this point.

“I said I want you to take that thing in your arm out.” His voice was hard and firm. I gasped for air as I sat on the floor and clutched my chest, had he gone completely mad!? My mouth was dry, and it sucked hard in my stomach from the cold that spread around my body and made me freeze to where I sat.

I sat quietly but noises came from me as I stared in shock at where he hung his head over the edge of the sofa, still staring up at the ceiling.

“Say that again when you're not drunk.” I managed to get a few words out at last as he laughed, sounding mockingly as if I had said something insulting.

“I'm not so drunk that I don't know what I'm saying.” He sat up now and there was a dangerous glint in his eyes as I sat transfixed by his beautiful face.

“Do you understand what you're saying, if I do that, I'll get pregnant for real...” I sat languidly with my head in my hands, his face softening as he looked at me casually as if it wasn't the most demanding thing, he'd ever asked of me so far.

“That would be the plan, Jen.” His face brightened at the fact that I hadn't argued back, maybe he thought I was going to go along with it.

“We don’t have our s**t together, I'm still in school, I'm a f*****g mess Dylan and you want us to have kids!?” I had looked up from my hands now and felt the anger start to grip me hard now, like I had never felt it before at his request of me.

“Why not? I see no reason to wait?” his voice was so confident, and I didn't understand how he could just sit there and say such things to me when he knew how damn fragile, I really was.

“you're out of your f*****g mind.” I stood up and he just looked at me like it didn't matter what I said about it, that it was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not.

“If you say so.” he shrugged and pulled out a packet of cigarettes and lit one of them quickly in front of me, I clenched my fists, now he just wanted to make me angry.

“What the hell are you doing?!” I didn't scream yet but it felt like that when he was such a f*****g asshole, like he was never the man I loved with all my heart.

“Whatever I f*****g want.” He drew in the smoke and blew it out on my face. That was the last straw. He'd gone f*****g crazy. I turned around and went into the bedroom, he was just a f*****g asshole who thought I would do anything for him, I had wanted to give him everything but all I got in return was just a bunch of f*****g demands and bullshit. enough.

“You know you'll come crawling back to me. he sneered at me with his dark voice and cold eyes as I pulled on one of my jackets and grabbed the bag, he had to be here thinking about what the hell was going on without me.

“Maybe, but I'm not going to stay here and listen to your f*****g bullshit.” I took aim at the door as he grabbed my arm before I had reacted and I scrunched my head angrily as fear entered his eyes, I sneered back at his face, so much for his talking.

“Where the f**k do you think you’re going?!” I didn't answer but just looked defiantly into his eyes and said coldly.

I shrugged my arm as he hesitantly let go of me and I started to take quick steps towards the door, I didn't know where I was going but I wasn't going to stay here like he was right now.

I slammed the door hard behind me and walked quickly forward down the loft corridor as I heard him moving inside, I was shitting in him right now, who the hell was he to demand that I give up my life because he was afraid of being abandoned? f*****g bastard he was.

I was frustrated, damn it. I wanted to turn back already. I paused for a few seconds as I heard his voice behind me in the night air that made me freeze up as I already knew he would come after me the minute I had walked out the door.

“Jennifer...” his voice was so full of sadness it cut me deep, I closed my eyes tight, I didn't know what to do, go back to him or just walk my way out into the night where I had no idea where I was going. I opened my eyes again, I hated myself but I stood my ground, I didn't want to be without him no matter how much he treated me like crap. I was pathetic.

“stay with me.” he sounded like himself again and I breathed deeply a couple of times, did I want to stay?

Yes.

I pulled myself defeatedly around towards his figure at the end of the aisle and saw how his face lightened up, how all of him did. f**k him.

I walked slowly the last few steps towards him, and he held out his hand to me, I shuddered as I took it and he led me back inside.

“I’m sorry babe.” He was standing right behind me almost pleading me and I closed my eyes tightly to keep from crying, I refused to cry right now. I wanted to be strong and not end up in his arms again.

“One more time Dylan, and I'm going for real.” I opened my eyes, I hadn't succeeded as drops ran down my face and he put his arms around my waist and I let him do it right now.

“I know, I'll never do that again, Please babe forgive me.” he kissed my cheek tenderly and I was left unsure of what was going to happen now, and where we stood.

“will you still be mine even after I've been a f*****g asshole?” His voice was toneless now, ready for a no as I turned and looked into his sad grey eyes that still had intoxication in them.

“I'm here, aren't I?” I didn't smile but he pulled me closer and kissed me slowly on the mouth to which I unconsciously responded and wrapped my arms around him, I hated myself but I loved him and nothing would change that, not even him.

“I love you Jennifer.” he looked me straight in the eyes and made me feel weak in the knees as he lifted me off the ground in one single lift without waiting and I drew in his scent drunkenly as he carried me gently to the bed and laid me down like I was the most fragile thing in the world and lay down beside me and kissed my neck so that shivers went down my body, I dragged my hand over my head as he caressed my breasts with his hands gently and kissed me slowly and made me breathless by his wonderful hands that had made their way down my pants and pulled them slowly down without stopping kissing me, I lifted myself up so they came off easier as he pulled off his own and I stopped and looked at his fanatical body, I could do anything for him right now.

He pulled my shirt off and revealed my bare breasts which he caressed with his hands before coming down to my thighs and slowly caressing the inside of them so I gasped at his touch as he smiled faintly knowing exactly how to make me swoon with desire for him.

He quickly pulled off his shirt and I stroked my hand slowly over his taut muscles that made up his stomach, he had settled between my legs now and had his arms on either side of my head caressing my cheeks that were still touched from all the crying and screaming we had gone through today, I closed my eyes for a few seconds and enjoyed feeling him on top of me, it was a feeling that made me feel safe for some reason.

We were completely naked now, it felt good to feel every inch of his skin against me, it had a calming effect on me as he kissed me lightly on the lips and paused to look at me.

“You are the most beautiful woman in the world Jen.” he ran his hand slowly across my forehead and down over my face, I smiled now, it was hard not to hold back all the love I felt for him when he was this close to me.

“May I come inside you?” His eyes were so honest now as if they had never looked at me with disgust like before and I nodded shyly, this was nothing like it had been yesterday, then it had been lust, now it was just love.

He entered me slowly and I sighed as he reached his full length inside me, it was a feeling I would never get enough of.

“Does it feel good?” He pulled hair out of my face as I smiled warmly at him now, the fool he was so damn tough on the outside but when it came down to it he was as confused as I was.

“It feels good.” I wrapped my arms around his neck as he moved slowly as if for the first time we'd had s*x, I groaned as all the tension that had been like a wall between us just existed on my skin and in me, everywhere he touched me and made me writhe pleasurably under his body as he kissed me again as he thrust in and made me shudder again each time he did so.

“I love you...” I murmured the words drunk on him, his whole existence being me as well, I was his and he was mine.

He was still moving slowly and I pressed my hips up against his and slowly choked on the lust that made me start to numb out every time he kissed my face, neck and breasts and all I could do was keep my arms around his neck as I closed my eyes and let the wave of heat wash over me and made my body shudder several times as he paused and admired my lust filled face.

“You know I love you right?” I opened my eyes and put my hand on his face and nodded as I looked tenderly at his sad eyes shining lovingly at me.

He thrust in a few more times faster now and I watched his body and face stiffen, making every muscle on his gorgeous body tense up before he lay down wearily on top of me with his arms still supporting him to look at me.

“I forgive you.” I looked honestly into his eyes, I didn't want to be angry anymore, and I knew why he was the way he was, I just hoped it wouldn't happen again.

He just smiled now and played with my hair, I could see that his sadness had lifted from his shoulders.

He pulled out and rolled to my side and I quickly lay on his chest where I knew I always found peace from the world, it had been one of our hardest days yet but we were still here, it almost made me cry again as he pulled one arm around me and had the other under his other behind his head.

-I like this. I laughed now as he smiled at me, as if he didn't already know.

-same babe. He caressed my cheek with his thumb, and I kissed his fingers one by one under my own hands before we braided them together and I held his tightly with mine.

We lay still, quiet, it felt good just to be here, no arguments about what we wanted or what others expected of us, just him and me.

“Mom wants us to come over on Sunday...” I chuckled as he rolled his eyes at my completely spontaneous comment in our silence.

“Anything for you babe” he smiled absently but contentedly up at the ceiling, and I followed his example.

“Dylan?" I pulled myself inwards against his chest and turned around to see his face whose eyes were still staring up at the ceiling.

“Yeah?” He calmly looked down at me where I lay and bit my lip about what to say, I felt shy for some reason.

“I just want to say that I love you so much because you were willing to actually take responsibility for everything if I had been pregnant.” I looked up at his pensive face, which had a worried crease in its beautiful forehead now.

“I'm not proud of the way I reacted, but I would never let you down, ever.” His voice faded into the darkness as I laid my head down on his chest.

“I want to have a kid with you one day.” I said the words comfortingly to both him and I as he ran his hand over my head down over my hair and smiled before replying.

“I will wait for you until that day.” I was warm in the chest at his understanding and fell asleep faster than I should have after sleeping all day.