Freeing Katie

Ch. 21 What to Do?

KATIE POV

I…. am an idiot

Every time I even think about that night, the embarrassment washes through me as if I was standing there sober, watching my stupid self give away my darkest secret, not only to Chase, but a whole crowd of people.  I groan loudly, shoving the pillow over my head, hoping to block out the mental images of Chase’s face when I yelled at him.

God, kill me…

“Your mom called again,” Becca says jumping on top of me.  “You need to go home…”

“Why can’t I just live here with you?” I mumble into the mattress.

“Because one, my roommate is coming back and will have issues sharing the bathroom, and for two, you need to face your boyfriend….”

He’s not my boyfriend anymore, I say to myself. 

He can’t be.  I’m too humiliated with myself, and if he does stay with me, it’s because he feels obligated to.  No one wants to be the bad guy to break up with the girl that basically had a mental breakdown, stating she was r***d.

“It’ll all work out, Katie.  If he’s as good as you say he is, then there shouldn’t be a problem…”  That’s what she’s been saying to me these past two weeks. 

I basically ran away from home- with mom’s blessing, of course- to get my head straight, but no one knows how I feel.  I like Chase so damn much, but I can’t give him what he deserves in a relationship.  And she’s right, he is a great guy, but I’ll feel guilty not being able to be that girl for him.

Becca watches me pack up while my phone charges.  I turned it off a week ago after the influx of calls and texts- Taylor, Brenna, J.R…. Chase, of course.  Josh and Nate sent me texts, telling me not to worry about the other people, that they had ‘words’ with them.  Hell, even Nikki left me a long ass voicemail crying and apologizing.  It was just overwhelming and I didn’t want to be reminded of what I did.  And I am not looking forward to school tomorrow.  Even if the guys talked to them, it’s still high school, and rumors spread fast.

Becca treats me to lunch before I head out, and tries her best to put me in a good mood.  Despite everything, I’m glad she was as available to help me through my crisis.  Being at home would have made it harder to process everything with him being next door.  Yes, I took the coward’s way out, but no one ever told me how hard this would be.

* 

The whole drive home, my thoughts keep spinning to that night, starting right before the party.  I tried so damn hard to not think of his body on mine…. Tried to rid the negative thoughts, but it turned into him getting mad at me.  I hated myself for not giving him what he wanted, for what I wanted too, and decided alcohol was the best medicine. 

As I ranted my hatred for myself in the kitchen, I didn’t miss the concerned looks on Brenna and Taylor’s faces.  I was borderline manic, convincing myself that my faults will never be fixed, which would lead to losing Chase.  I began to drink more, and tried to make myself smile and have fun, but I was digging myself into a hole of hatred. 

Then I saw him with Nikki.

Brenna says he didn’t do anything wrong, but the stab of pain in my chest when I saw him smiling at her was real.  I felt ugly and stupid for even trying a relationship with him.  Then, after Nikki said those personal things--- I just blew up.  Sober me realized that anyone could have overheard my conversation in the kitchen while I was venting, but drunk me felt betrayed, so I let Chase have it.  I gutted him with the truth.

“Stop it, Katie.”  I scold myself as tears burn my eyes.  I’m so sick of crying over the same s**t, over something I can’t go back and change.  Tomorrow school starts back up and I just have to face the facts that people know about my past… that Chase knows.  I’m going to have to face him at some point, but hopefully I can put it off as long as possible….

*

The next day

*

Throwing my backpack into my car, I just want to spit.  Not only has been avoiding Chase’s gaze all day at school a difficult task in itself, but giving everyone that assuring fake smile with their pity looks is exhausting. 

His car wasn’t home yesterday, so I mustered up some courage and sent him a text that I was home, but still didn’t want to talk about what happened.  He said he understood, but seeing him in the hallways almost broke me.  I didn’t realize how exhausted I was until I saw him.  All I wanted to do was take him home and have him hold me, to tell me I didn’t mess us up.

The girls were supportive as always, talking about anything but Chase and my fall out.  Nikki looked at me with regret, but I just rolled my eyes at her.   I can’t fully blame her, but I’m not going to be all nice with her just because she’s sorry.  What she did was bitchy, even if I didn’t have a basket case full of problems and trauma.

I pull up at home and Chase is already here, waiting on top of his car.  I take a breath, despite my beating heart and get out of the car.  Instead of walking to him, I go towards my house, but once I put my key in the door, something catches my eye on top of the porch swing.  A single daisy rests there, and my heart jumps into my throat.  Even with the winter’s cold and the greying sky, the white flower petals stick out so beautifully.

“Katie….. please talk to me.”

I didn’t even hear his footsteps, and the desperation in his voice kills me.  I let go of the door without facing him.  I can’t look at him.  All I feel is rejection, even though I know in my heart he wouldn’t do that.

“What do you want?” I whisper out.

I hear him take two steps closer to me.  “I want my friend back,” he pleas.  “I want what we had, Katie.”  He touches my shoulder and I slightly turn with tears threatening to give way.  He has that face- the one that knows what I went through… the sadness, the pity.  But there’s also love and determination set in, and that makes me fall for him even more.  “You could have told me…  I would have understood.”

“I tried,” I wobble out softly as the first tear lets free.  “I’m f****d up Chase, and intimacy scares the hell out of me.  What am I supposed to think you-“

“You were supposed to trust in me enough that I wouldn’t pressure you into anything- that you had my support from the beginning.”  Both of his hands are on my shoulders, rubbing them in comfort while I see the truth in his eyes.  I rush my body to his, and he immediately puts his arms around me, holding me tightly as I cry softly into his shirt.  “I got you, Katie,” he whispers into my hair.

“I’m so s-sorry.”   I truly don’t deserve him.  How can someone be this perfect, this understanding, and still want to be with me?  And why do I feel guilty for still wanting him?  He holds me tightly and lets me cry until I’ve turned into sniffles- hardly able to breathe.  Being in his arms feels so right and so heartbreaking at the same time.  “Chase?”

“Yea?”  I sniff and take a step back so I can look at him.  He looks into both of my eyes with tucking my hair behind my ear and cups my face. 

“I’ll try to move past this, but… I don’t know if we can go back to how we were...”

A frown mars his face.  “What are you trying to say?”

I close my eyes briefly while taking a breath.  When I open them back up, my heart breaks.  “I think…. I think we should start over… as friends.”

He takes a swallow before he answers.  “You want to break up?” he asks, sounding devastated.

I nod slightly.  “I want us to start fresh… with no secrets.”  And to work on myself.  “If you still want me, then-“

“I do still want you, Katie.”

My heartrate picks up and I give him a saddened smile.  “I don’t know how long it’ll take, Chase.  I want to be with you, but I don’t know if I can,” I say softly.

His hands trail my arms and hold my hands together, rubbing them softly to create warmth.  “I’ll do anything to be with you Katie.  If you want to be friends first, then we will.  You call the shots.  Just be honest with me and I’ll help you any way I can…. Just… don’t push me away, please.”

He walks over to the swing and picks up the daisy, then kisses me on the cheek while handing it to me.  He gives me his gorgeous smile and walks off my porch, and I watch him until he’s back inside his house.  Lifting up my hand, I study the simple pretty flower that I know has a meaning more than just a sweet gesture from Chase. 

To new beginnings.

“I will try, Chase.  I promise.”