These Fragmented Parts

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

SILENCE SEEMED TO INVADE MY PLACE the moment Adam and I settled in the living room of my apartment, seemingly like a rerun of my first day here- a dripping icepack on his bruised knuckles and him avoiding my glare. The way he looked with the vulnerability and all gave me the slightest clue of what he really is going through although I had questions running inside my head. We did not utter any single word, just this shared moment of silence together, but I’d like to know what’s on his mind. I looked at him trying to decode how he feels and upon guessing he looked so fazed and unsettled. I wish I could talk him down.  However, despite my eagerness towards this and towards him, I find it strange how I hardly experienced this with Trevor at all. He surely had his moments in which he broke down but it seemed as though he didn’t trust me enough to carry his baggage with me. After all I was an emotional mess and that is why he left me. I took a deep breath and separated the present from my lingering thoughts once again about my mother’s death and how Trevor got completely exhausted of me. I lifted the ice pack from Adam’s knuckle and let it rest for a bit.

“Funny how we’re here again,” Adam quietly said with his voice sounding soft and fragile. “If you hit a wall once again, you’ll surely break your knuckle.” I warned, but of course it didn’t faze him. He just stared at his lap silently. “I didn’t hit a wall,” He said sternly. “I hit my dad,” I softly gasped upon his remark but he did not notice.

“What happened?” I asked him, not minding the absence of explanation why he was gone for a few days and why he ended up hitting his father. I don’t know why it seemed to be a big deal to me as well. Maybe because I was just putting meanings on things I know I shouldn’t. He expelled a deep breath, still avoiding to look at me. I just waited for him to speak, but he wasn’t saying anything. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s okay,” I told him, trying to remove the pressure because I surely know how it feels and how tormenting it is from within. He looked at me, and I tried to muster up the confidence to look back at him, and not turn away. “I wish I can,”

“I said the same things before,” He said softly. I placed the icepack on the table although it would create a puddle. Something within me is just telling me to stay beside him and let the silence devour us, if it has to so I just remained where I was.” But I don’t mind it at all,” I said as I felt his head fall softly on my shoulder. I felt a sudden rush within me.

“I wish I could tell you, but I can’t.” Adam hesitated, he lingered on my shoulder for a while as I just breathed steadily. I haven’t been this close to anyone except for Trevor, as far as I can remember. “Is there any reason why?” I immediately regretted asking him, but I just shoved the thought off anyway.

“I’m sorry for pressing, Adam.” He sighed.  “You don’t have to say sorry for anything,” There was a long moment of silence after he said that and I just let my mind be quiet for a while. I don’t want to think; I just want this moment even when its ambivalence is pouring all over the place. I just suddenly realized how strange things were, ever since he came around; certainly, things did not magically change, but it feels surreal to have someone with me with all that are stirred.

“Aren’t you getting hurt with this at all?” He suddenly asked and although I knew what he meant I want to let him clarify himself. “With what?” I asked. He lifted his head on my shoulder as he faced me, with concern evident on his face.  “With me being here, like this, you met me in the strangest way and now we’re here again,”

“I just cause some kind of perplexity within you,” Adam undeniably does stir some kind of perplexity within me and I’m certain of that, but it kind of hurts to hear it from him because indeed I’m confused with how I feel and have him confirm it gives more blur to this situation we have.

“I am okay with you being here, but I don’t deny the confusion, Adam. I don’t really understand how I feel. And it scares me,” I admitted. He did not repulse. 

“Neither do I,” He said as my heart sank a little. I don’t want to be left here alone. But just a couple of seconds after feeling it, he placed his hand on top of mine that was resting on my lap. The ice pack was already creating a puddle that was dripping on the coffee table. I could feel the tension eating my insides but I tried to relax on the thought of this.

“I haven’t been comfortably vulnerable with anyone… It’s like trusting your hidden parts to someone. Parts that no one can really take in,” I knew what he meant and I do feel it too, with everyone in my life where I need to be vigilant at all times, but I feel really safe with him. Is this real?

“That’s how I feel too, as unbelievable as it sounds,” I confessed. “Didn’t you have this with him?” My mind instantly rummaged for the moments I had with Trevor and the most vulnerable ones I had with him.

“A couple of times maybe, but he didn’t like my vulnerability,” And it was the truth. Fury comes after whenever I tell him all the things that broke me before. “How did you end?” I sighed as I seemed to have another rerun of the sequent of events in my life.

“He left me, just a month after my mother died when he learned that I won’t be able to go to college,” I said, as I heard him scoff. “That’s terrible,”

“I know,”

“I’m sorry, but I hope I make you feel better at the very least, although this is blurry,” He does, way more than he thinks he does.

“Do we really have to understand this?” I asked, because I don’t want to. He looked at me and tried to pull a smile. “Maybe we do, maybe we don’t… but all I know is I just want to be with you,”

“I don’t care if this is all so sudden and if we’re both bleeding, but I just like it here.” So do I, but something within me warns me that this can be danger even when I feel the need to just melt on him.

“Will we be okay?”

“We will,” He whispered. And for a moment I believed him. After all, that’s what we are after, for everything to be okay even for a minute, and even if it won’t be as permanent as the scars that are embedded on our skin.

Our glare was pressed on each other, whereas the pain, the longing was so transparent it almost blinded me but at the same time, I felt wanted, cared for, and understood. It surely did not give me all the assurance in the world, but I like it and I want him. There is no point in denying this. Tension pulsated in the surroundings, as he inched closer to me. It was as though all the air in my lungs abandoned me. But it didn’t take long until he kissed me. I could feel the pressure on my lips as he took me in as if there was no tomorrow. He tasted like liberation. And I could feel his hunger, the way his lips moved quickly onto mine making it seem quite impossible to catch up, but I like it, I like it so much- the feeling of being needed, as if nothing else matters. My fingers made its way to his hair, touching it softly as I felt his stealthy breaths on mine. It was warm, as if all the ice in this place was now melting due to his touch.

He pulled away while he was on top of me and whispered, with his lips still close to touching mine. “Charlie, I want you,” My insides collapsed upon hearing those words yet I did not reply. I just allow him to crash his lips onto mine, but I want to tell him to stay as long as he wants to but that is too much to ask for.