These Fragmented Parts

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

EVERYTHING WAS GOING ALRIGHT in Hobbit Hall and working with Laura that seemed to take the role as my friend. For the previous days, aside from undergoing my training as the cashier, I helped her doing the inventory of the products as well as arranging a couple of stuffs. I couldn’t wait to see the writing workshop on Friday. It was indeed great to feel as though I’m quite getting my own pace as I try to trust myself once again. It was indeed a great experience as I look forward for more but I couldn’t take my mind off, Adam. It had been days and he didn’t show up. I was growing more and more confused, but at the same time I could feel a sudden pang of ache within me. He kissed me the last time we saw each other and even up to now I didn’t know what it meant.  I wasn’t that blessed with teenage experiences, and I never knew if someone can kiss you without it meaning anything at all. My head was already shoving me reasons that it might mean anything, but I didn’t want to hear whatever those reasons were. After all, he was just a mystery.

I was quite exhausted after staying longer today as I quietly walked in the hall of the tenth floor but from a distance I could already see him standing by my door. I immediately thought of how I would protect myself, and where I should be placing myself, but seeing him makes me think of myself, with him being somewhere different, somewhere farther and I just couldn’t avoid it.  My steps became slower as if it was anticipating danger, as he wasn’t noticing me yet. My heart pounded. I want to know why; I want to. But the mystery of this seemed to be so unsolved even tracing back the day where I first met him and when I was there, right in front of him, my heart seemed to skip a beat upon the sight of him and his restless and hopeless eyes. I felt as though I sank.

He wrapped his arms around me and buried his head on my neck although his height towered over me. Why am I feeling this way?

“Adam,” I whispered, feeling my heart beating so hard. Without saying anything else, I felt his tears gradually soak my shirt as his chest heaved as if it was holding onto something for too long. I could feel how he was bleeding so hard, and its transparency at the relentless moment breaks my heart. I can’t stand anyone feeling this kind of pain because I know it too. I just let him pour it all out to me where I became completely oblivious on how I should protect myself from any of these. I don’t want to resist. I just want to hold him.

“I’m so sorry,” Adam apologized, with his voice breaking. He was so fragile. I have no idea what he was apologizing for, but held him tighter. “It’s okay, you don’t have to be sorry for anything, I soothed, slowly running my hands on his back. “I’m sorry, Charlie, I shouldn’t have come back,” He sobbed. “I don’t want you to see me like this,” And I never expected him to over spill like this but whether he showed me this or not, I would never stay away from him. I wanted to ask him what happened and why all of a sudden he was like this, but I just let him feel what he feels right now. I never felt so needed like this and it surprisingly feels as though there’s a sudden depth to my existence. I closed my eyes and felt the moment. At this point, I just want to rest and stop criticizing myself from everything I do. I don’t want to care on what’s right. I just want to be here.

He held me tighter as if my existence really does matter. I wish I can stay this way with him. But there is a vast universe behind him that I still don’t know up to now.

After a while he removed his arms around me and instinctively looked on the floor ashamed of himself. The way I worry for him spilled. I noticed that his knuckle was once again bruised. I softly lifted it with my hands and looked at him, “Adam, why?” He expelled a deep breath and bit his lip. He looked as though he hasn’t slept for days. I’m not sure if I was torturing him with my question, but I just want to be here for him.

“This is why I shouldn’t have come here,” He said, holding back his tears. “I don’t want to add up, but I need you.” The way he said those words inflicted a plethora of emotions to swarm within me. “I’m just not sure if you can accept this,” I looked at him, where the desperation and exhaustion left marks on his face. I shouldn’t. I know, I shouldn’t but the next thing I knew was my hand was already on his cheek. “What do you think it is?” He locked his eyes onto mine as if we both knew each other for a long time.

“This,” He held my forearm, “Whenever I explode, it’s either I destroy things or I destroy myself.”

“It won’t make me stay away from you,” I affirmed but it seemed like he wasn’t able to absorb my words. “I don’t want you to get hurt because of me,” He pressed but I softly ran my thumb on his cheek. I wanted him to feel that I won’t go anywhere as much as he wanted to listen to me when I was the one who collapsed due to the pain.  “I know you won’t, Adam. You’re stronger than this,”

“I almost f*****g killed my brother,” His words shocked me, but what got me more surprised was the way I didn’t think of him as some kind of criminal. “But you said he did something to you right?”

“It’s not justifiable, Charlie, I might go to jail because of it.” He then collapsed once again, as I held him. I don’t know why despite those things he told me, I still didn’t feel like going somewhere else and prevent myself from being dragged to this kind of mess; I am a hundred percent certain that I should avoid any kind of linkage to finally be able to stand up by myself but having to share his pain with me, one way or another gives me a sense of depth in my being. I don’t want to overthink whether he feels the same way or not, I just want to be here.

“I just want everything to be over,” He said, with his voice almost inaudible.  I do, I do want it too but with him right now, I was thinking and going in another direction farther from things being over.  “Adam,” I whispered, but he didn’t look at me. The way he was so vulnerable right now overwhelms me but I never felt so confident in my life that I can hold someone who feels so agonized by life itself and its spectrum of punishments that we never deserved.

“Adam,” I sternly repeated and so he did look at me. Same tired eyes. But still lovely, to me. “Whatever it is, it doesn’t make the entirety of who you are,” His gaze lingered on mine for a long time but I failed to count the seconds; I was getting more lost than I ever was as if I floated in space with all the unanswered questions and every reiterated point in my head with all that should be and how much I abhor every fiber of my being and whatever I am embarking with him right now will just be messed up. But then again all of those disappeared the moment I felt our proximity slowly getting sealed. I don’t know how love should be, and I don’t clearly know what this is, but its nakedness seemed so immaculate to me.

Tell me I’m not dreaming.