These Fragmented Parts

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

AS SOON AS I WAS ABLE TO CALM myself down, I decided to leave my apartment since the silence was already killing me. I hate how I was seeking company at this moment, seeking for someone to tell what’s genuinely running inside my head even though I know I can’t fully strip myself if ever someone decides to listen. It’s just a thought. Somehow, I find it effective over my years of existence where I keep all my stirred storms untold and apparently, it did me well like a switch that temporarily turned my emotions off impeding me to overspill as I try to go through my life. However, I wasn’t knowledgeable that it would backfire so terribly, I’d become hated due to my outbursts despite their hate being understandable. I completely shut down my right to feel so I shouldn’t expect them to re­­­spect how I feel about things and how I perceive things outside of the workplace.

I took the stairs once again, but each step felt like hell and the longer I went, the more I felt how exhausted I am with this life notwithstanding the thought that I clearly have no idea how I should be living my life. Upon my years of existence, it just revolved around my family’s company and the urge to be formal at all times to protect the stupid thing called reputation till I eventually lost my sense of self.

When I reached the rooftop, I was instinctively refreshed by the great height of it and the pressure of the air hitting my face as if nothing else mattered. The rooftop wasn’t embellished, it was just an empty space with some extra chairs that came from the café downstairs, as far I as I know James is still planning how to embellish this- the reason why it looks so unfinished but I was relieved that this place is still accessible despite it being undone.

My heart suddenly pounded rapidly when I saw Charlie leaning by the ledge, staring at the moon that was full by now, her hair was tied in a loose ponytail which prevented the wind to blow her hair as her forearm rested on the ledge. She was just quietly staring at the sky seemingly to be in deep contemplation with her longing eyes. From my vantage point where the staggering sky looked really vivid, I could tell that the moon was indeed captivating as if I was being tugged towards it but I couldn’t stop staring at her even though I shouldn’t be.

“I didn’t expect to find you here,” I broke the silence, and it was the third time I reappeared after telling her I have to go. I wonder what she thinks of me. She turned her head, and tried to pull a smile but it only showed how tired she was.

“Well, surprise,” Charlie said as I walked towards her and leaned by the ledge as well. “And here I am eventually, reappearing for the third time.”

“It’s okay,” She said, barely audible. Her eyes were locked once again to the moon and apparently, I was getting drawn by it too like how she was. She expelled a deep breath; the one that sounded as though it came from the deepest caverns of her chest. “Why does existing hurt so much?” I could feel pain trailing on her voice.  I contemplated deeply upon her inquiry. What makes existing so painful? I wanted to answer her too but even me, I don’t know what comprises a painful existence.

“Maybe we’re not supposed to be here,” I somberly spoke. Melancholy embraced her gaze as if all that she has been hiding was now getting stripped in front of me. Not feigning anything, just genuineness. I had always been quite unbothered by the way people feel although I tried to be emphatic most of the time but the way she bleeds right in front of me, it hits different in a way that I can feel how hurt she was and I want to know why and I want for it to stop although the certainty of its impossibility is merely evident.

 “If we’re not, then where are we supposed to be?” She asked me softly and it didn’t take me long before I came up with an answer yet I was uncertain if my answer would suffice and give her clarity. It just happened that I was having the same dire longing to be somewhere else I don’t know.

 “Somewhere where we feel alive, perhaps.” She looked at me with desperation evident in her eyes as if she was dying for some clarity, for some light along her path. Her gaze lingered momentarily, before she stared again at the sky where every sigh trailed her weariness about so many things I don’t know about. I can still picture her in my head, the way those fortune cookies made her laugh as if she wasn’t devoured by any tribulation, and now she’s here looking so lost in her sadness that she doesn’t notice how evident it is to make me feel how much it really hurts.

We never stop bleeding. We just get oblivious. And sometimes we need someone to be there when the oblivion vanishes but most of the time we just witness how it drifts, how it passes and how it disappears that even when we call for the temporary unawareness to return to us, eventually we’ll just find ourselves stuck with the abhorrence of our reality. Nowhere to run to.

 “I have so many questions in my head, I don’t even know if it’s right to have them and to ask them,” She said.  “It’s alright to do so, no one is stopping you right now. Sometimes, all we really need is someone who wouldn’t oppose or give harsh judgements to what our chests are trying to say,” I told her. Although I was looking at the sky, I couldn’t stop but glance at her, overwhelmed by the nakedness of her emotions at the current moment.

“Maybe that’s what I really need,”

“If you can be anywhere in this world right now, where would it be?” She asked me with her gaze lingering on me. The moonlight was touching her face making her featured slightly visible and yet again a wave of nostalgia and familiarity hit me and deep down, I know shouldn’t be thinking of this. I tried contemplating about where I should really be if I had a chance and somehow, I couldn’t name a specific place.

“I guess some place far from here wherein I can at least feel something… or see that there’s more to life than this,”

“You?” I asked her.

 “Me?” She glanced at me before looking at her forearm resting on the ledge. A couple of seconds drifted away before she spoke once again. “I don’t know why the first thing I thought of is the one with so much complexities.” I didn’t reply, I just allowed her to speak even when she seemed to be processing her thoughts.

“But I’d like to go back to the day before my mother died, she would have been alive now and my life wouldn’t be this complicated, maybe they wouldn’t hate me this much, maybe my father won’t be-“she rushed the words as she struggled to finish what she was saying. I was taken aback, but I still allowed her to finish even when I just want to tell her to stop, if speaking about those things is hurting her so much.

“Maybe….” She trailed off as she ended up in tears, trembling in pain.  I wish I could just stop this for her. Nobody deserves this kind of agony. Her chest heaved as she cried and I was mustering up my strength to touch her back to ease how she’s feeling but I was afraid that I might scare her away.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” I soothed, and touched her back softly. She was sobbing uncontrollably as if it has been bottled for a long time. “It just hurts so much,” She mumbled as I just allowed myself to wrap my arms around her out of the feeling of need to comfort another bleeding human being. It doesn’t necessarily have to be something like falling in love, I just couldn’t stand her pain. Silence embraced the moment with her holding tightly onto me, for a moment I closed my eyes while her tears soaked my sweater and listened to her faint sobs, and the indistinct sound of the vehicles on the road at this vantage point.

I know deep down; this is something that I need although she doesn’t know that I’m on the verge of losing myself too.

I just need someone to anchor up to but I never knew being needed like this would give the same comfort as having someone to placate our necessity.

“I just want to be loved, not by any man…I just want a home,” and I understood it clearly, even with very few words.

“I just want some place to belong to, some place where… it’s okay to make mistakes, because I’m sick and tired of it all. “I let her words absorb me and as soon as it hit her realization that I was holding her, she wiped her tears down. I let go of her.

“I’m sorry,” She breathed out.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Charlie. It’s okay.” I assured. Her eyebrows were still furrowed, flustered as she bit her lip, avoiding my gaze. I took a deep breath. “I just can’t stand being alone,”

I do too but I know I’m better off alone.