These Fragmented Parts

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

ADAM

I JUST CLOSED MY EYES and let myself feel as I held her cheek, with my lips on hers; I couldn’t fathom why her vulnerability tugs me in a way that I want to give her all the understanding she needs right now even when I have to go through my turbulences too. It wasn’t because I pity her, it wasn’t because of sympathy but it was because of the feeling that was unknown, yet familiar and it cannot ever be justified because I just recently met her. In the back of my mind, I felt how much I don’t want this to end in as much as I feel so far away from everything that haunts me wherein I feel like I’m closer to what I want. I hate myself for giving her the cue to be vulnerable to me knowing that I won’t be here for long. I just couldn’t help myself.

The moment I pulled away, she immediately looked at the floor, trembling subtly and I just wanted to hold her but fear crept into me for such reasons I didn’t want to know. I tried to think of the words I should tell her but even up to know I was wordless upon how much I felt when I kissed her as if I was alive for the first time. I wonder, how could this even happen? I certainly have no idea about the entirety of her, but I am dragged and I want to know her story. “I’m sorry,” I broke the silence. I might have caused her to be flustered more. She breathed out avoiding to look at me at all costs.

“You don’t have to be sorry for anything, Adam.” I looked at her, and the nakedness of her glare was evident; agitated and in pain. I just waited for her words and didn’t say anything, I wanted to listen to her.  “I just-.” She breathed out.

“I just don’t understand how I feel,” She said softly with her voice almost sounding like a whisper.  “You can tell me,” She looked at me for a moment allowing me to see her vulnerability. I wonder if anyone has even felt this way, numb for a long time but only with the presence of someone, there goes everything.  

“I don’t know if it’s even right to feel this way,” She confessed, her gaze lingering on me.  “Is there even a right time for certain feelings?” I said, which made her pause and become tugged through contemplation. I found myself thinking of temporality, and the right timing of certain things. Are we really given the chance to have the right time for everything? And when do we know that it is right? I wish I could’ve met her earlier in my life, then maybe, in that way, I can fully assure her that I won’t go anywhere and really mean it.

“I don’t trust how I feel, this comfort I feel when I’m with you- I’m sure as hell I am not falling in love, but your presence- I don’t even know why it makes me feel less than alone,”

“Sometimes it’s best not to think through things so much, Charlie.” I told her, not because it was the best thing to do, but it was the only option left right now. Even me, I don’t understand how I feel and the way I’m dragged towards her is something I never experienced before. I was in control with everything, with my job and my transactions with other people but even when I knew within me that having this connection with her is not right, I became oblivious about my boundaries.

“You’re already going through so much and I’m not searching for anything, or want to make something out of this, but I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m scared of these feelings, I’m scared that- that what if I’ll never be really okay and if ever I do, what if this comes back,” She confessed.

“Everything is so blurry,” I said quietly, thinking about her situation and mine. “But I just want you to think that all of these may not matter someday anymore, as much as it crushes you right now.” She gave me a hopeful glare as my heart sank. I wish I can make this moment last forever.

-

Charlie was already placated when I told her I had to go, although I didn’t want to. But I was quite relieved to see that she was already calm because I don’t want to leave her when she’s not okay. I left my number on her bedside table in case she wants to talk to me and in case I won’t be able to show up again. I hope she doesn’t think of anything else, but that would be impossible.   It was already 2AM and my father called me to meet him at Nomad Tavern; I did not want to, but I have to so I found myself waiting for him at a booth. The diner was twenty-four hours open, but it was almost empty at this hour, less people, subtle rock music. From the distance I could hear the soft chatters of two men in the counter sitting on a high stool, seemingly having a debate about the existence of God, and religion. I listened for a bit, but I lost track of their conversation due to my thoughts fogging my brain that soon disappeared once I saw my father. He was tall- even taller than me, and his hair was having a faint shade of grey, same eye color as mine and even having the same glare. I hate how I look like him so much.

I folded my hands, and placed them on the table and avoided looking at him. I didn’t want him to see how fragile I am. He slit on the booth as I sensed the patience through his presence. If this is going to be a long conversation, I don’t want it then.

“I remember when you were younger,” “You liked it here a lot… I couldn’t remember if you were six, or seven during that time.” Then there it was, the manipulation; pretending that he was the best father of all time through trying to tug my emotions with his anecdotes. I am so full of this. When I was younger, I surely appreciated them on a shallow level but never in a way that stirred my insides and to go for what I want. All I ever wanted was to please them and make them proud- which never happened because all I ever thought is that I had to repay all the good things they gave for me until I grew older and saw how things became so unbearably mundane as if I was being enslaved by what I had to do.

 “You liked their salted caramel milkshake, and I used to be so fond of taking you here… I miss those old times,” I felt my fury creeping within me knowingly he wasn’t being genuine at all, I hate how he thinks that I am this easy, and even though I feel the strength of being deviant within me, I still know that I am powerless over this man. 

“Why did you want to see me?” I cut his drama off, to avoid prolonging the conversation.

“I just want to let you know that you are making the situation worse. And I thought you’d get soft for this,” Just like what I predicted. He looked at me with his cold glare as I avoided it since I didn’t want him to see through me. After all he knows me more than anybody else. He knows what makes me tick, and what makes me forcibly agree and he uses that whenever he wants something from me. I’m sick of this f*****g pattern. “And also, I was hoping that maybe we can have some father and son talk like the olden times,”

“I am old enough to make decisions for myself and I don’t need that.” I told him calmly, although in my head I was already seeing how I’d hit him if I had the chance. I just hate him this much, for not allowing me to decide just because I owe him something; If my life veered in another direction, maybe I wouldn’t be this aimless, despite my degree and the unlimited opportunities I have. What would I even do with all of those if I couldn’t even feel myself.

“Can’t you see that I did not press charges when I could have had,” His voice was toned down although I could hear the threat. My heart pounded upon his statement and I wasn’t sure if it was because of the intimidation or because of the pulsating anger I can feel within me.  “I didn’t do it without a sole purpose.” I told him, but it wouldn’t even save me.

“Let me remind you, Adam. You slammed your brother on a table at a conference, you choked him. And you beat him up and he’s still in the hospital right now, and all I am asking you is to just make amends.” I suddenly felt as though I was choked but I tried so hard for him to be completely unaware of my discomfort.

“You fired me, isn’t that over?” I said. He scoffed and pressed his gaze on me further. “You know, I just did that as a warning, Adam,” I felt my anger boiling within me but I tried breathing steadily so that it wouldn’t explode all over the place once again and do something out of impulse.

“You could have done the same if you were me, remember what you did to mom?” Suddenly, images flashed inside my head bringing me to that day he beat my mother after finding out that she cheated on him, I can hear inside my head the way my mother begged for him to stop but he kept on hurting her, because it seemed as though the world is unfair for him after my mother’s workmates defended her from her funny business. My remark was a complete attack to him but he will never let me win.

 “It is you that we are talking about here Adam. Don’t you f*****g mention that to me.” He slammed the table which caught the attention of the people in here. “Make amends or I’ll press charges.”