THE FEELING FELT FAMILIAR BUT I doubted if it was real; some place in my head knew this very well, I just couldn't tell how and squeeze all the words inside my head to describe it. Adam's arms were wrapped around me as I try so hard not to collapse to a greater extent with this plethora of emotions swarming within me. I tried so hard not to look at him. I tried. But even when remorse was creeping on my skin already, I found myself looking at him, and his indescribable glare at me but it made me feel how much he feels this pain, how much he understands this pain undeterred by the thought of me not knowing how. To some extent it was consoling that there was at least someone who still sees me as a human, although I find it dangerous to engage in this kind of situation. Why do I feel like he knows me in a way I don't have to explain why I was sinking; he heard Chloe clearly and her convictions about me but it didn't even sway him. He opened the door for me and led me inside as he shut the door. It was quieter, peaceful and safer inside but I was beginning to feel afraid that he would see how vulnerable I am. I don't have any plans for him to love me or to embark something out of this, but vulnerability to me is so ugly that it broke me so hard when my family saw it, and even with Trevor. I freed myself from his arms and wiped my tears away but I couldn't even stop them from spilling all over again. I feel so ashamed of myself.
"I'm sorry if was watching you from the distance," Adam spoke and he was evidently worried. I hate myself, I hate that he had to see all of these. “I just didn’t want to leave you, I know you wouldn’t be okay,” He said as I felt the need to ask him, why is he like this to me and why is he investing his mental energy with me when he can have an easier life. “You deserve better, Charlie.” He soothed, making my emotions capsize again but he didn’t recoil. I was getting more and more flustered.
“Adam,” I looked up to him, with his height towering over me. “Why are you like this to me?” He averted his gaze, hesitant to answer but it only took him a couple of seconds before he looked back again at me. “Because in this way, I feel alive and I haven’t felt alive longer than I can remember,” Hearing those words made my heart pause. How could someone feel so alive with this?
“Just let me. It’s alright,” He assured and with that I just let him hold me as we both leaned on a close door where everything felt so sealed as if nothing from the outside world can make its way in. I quietly allowed how I feel burn down on me and for a moment it felt alright because I wasn’t collapsing alone. “I haven’t felt anything for a long time,” He said, almost sounding like a whisper. “I tried, but the only feeling I know was fury, aggression and revulsion towards everyone, it had always been like that and when I wasn’t feeling that way, I mostly pretended that there was something,”
“And when I saw how happy you were when I brought you those fortune cookies, I felt something else,” He said. “I felt human again,” Although I was pouring my heart out, I paid attention to every word he said to me and let the moment pass with him, holding me, running his palm on my hair and feeling whatever the both of us feel at the current minute wherein the world feels so grave, so raw, so naked but not even one of us recoiled with what stirred us within. I wasn’t in a good place to try and comprehend all of these, and to state what is right and what should be for me. After all, I’m just a human in need for some company. After Adam let go of me, we found ourselves sitting on the floor with our backs rested on the door and legs stretched on the floor. There wasn’t any loud sound, just the faint noise of the city that is alive up to this hour and our erratic breathing that indicated pure emptiness, yet agony. I didn’t torment myself with thinking of what I should say, the silence was oddly comforting.
“Are you alright?” He asked me softly. I didn’t look at him this time as I just breathed and felt the heaviness in my chest. “I’ve gotten pretty used to this,” I told him.
“Has it always been like that?” He glanced at me.
“Yeah, as if I’m in some kind of battleground, but I’m defenseless. I hate it because I feel like I’m born to be weak,” Thinking about it was even more painful even when I have found myself in this situation more than I can even remember and I no longer want to bask in these thoughts but what else do I have?
“You are not weak, you are just different, Charlie.” I want to trust what he was telling me but I just can’t. “It’s easy for you to say, but you don’t know how everything about me is so horrendous,” He didn’t reply and I didn’t look at him either. I’m afraid.
“We are all made like that, some people are just really good at concealing, and some people cheat their way to make themselves look better but everyone’s just damaged,”
“I don’t even know if I can still be fixed,” There was misery behind those words even when he sounded monotonous and nonchalant about it as if it’s an arbitrary remark.
“I want to know… tell me,” Because I wanted to. I want to know what lies underneath that kindness, the story behind that incident when he punched the wall and the darkness I saw in his eyes.
“I don’t know myself, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I’m capable of besides exploding and you don’t know that because you haven’t seen me lash out and just like everyone else, once you see that you’ll back away and hate me as much as everyone pretty much feels for me.” He spoke quite swiftly as I noticed him ball his fist that was resting on his knee.
“It had always been like this, as if my life is already pre-made for me before I was born and I needed to exist to activate that kind of life… it’s sick, like I f*****g have a GPS, I never went for anything on my own. It always has to be what looks impressive, what looks good for other people, what’s pleasant for my father, and I wish I just screwed up my life, they could have disowned me and I could have been somewhere else,” He said it with so much hate and I can see it in his eyes that seemingly stared at a great distance once again; furious, frustrated, unable to change anything.
“Maybe I did screw up just now, but it wasn’t my fault. And now the only condition is that I make amends, that’s it. Nothing else. No other choices to escape or get free without everyone going haywire.” He breathed out.
“I’m sorry,” I said because I didn’t know what to say although I know how hard it is for him. The moment was ambivalent but we are still here.
“I know you just recently came from a separation and you’re carrying way more than you think you do with all your grievances, but I don’t intend to cause any harm on you, you can allow yourself be vulnerable.” Upon hearing those words my chest screamed for the feeling of safety but at the same time it feels like a tug of war between needing for company and the fear of trusting with me on the middle. At this time, he was looking at me with longing and sadness in his eyes and it was excessively raw that it tugged me to stare at him too.
“I just feel whatever you feel,”
“You do?” I asked even when the answer is vivid by the way he understood me for a short span of time, by the way he listened and by the way he processes things and how peculiar life is.
“I know you know it.” He said with both of our eyes still locked with each other. Together, our fragmented parts collided but the world wasn’t ending and we’re still here, breathing. I couldn’t bring myself to understand why I feel like I know this feeling all along.; as if somewhere I felt this.
To be alone with someone is so majestic amidst the turbulence; the understanding and the genuineness is indeed comforting but this is daunting and I don’t want it. I want to resist. But I was more f****d than ever, because he kissed me.