These Fragmented Parts

CHAPTER NINETEEN

THE SOUND WAS MUFFLED the moment we left the café although the set wasn’t finished yet. I can still feel the rush of the zeal their performance brought even when Adam and I were just leaning on the wall near the stairs. It was empty. I looked at him, with his arms crossed seemingly in deep thought once again even when he was just staring at a blank space as I didn’t say a word thinking I might interrupt his thoughts or something as I just basked in the memory of the moment earlier that I still try hard to absorb up to now. Apparently, the remainder of the night consisted of the both of us singing out loud to most of the songs from the eighties and it was thrilling; his presence and the convivial atmosphere and how enthralling it is to have the company of someone whose interests quite align with yours.

“I feel like human again,” There was a hint of relief when those words deserted his mouth but I felt the indifference in the tone of his voice. Eagerness crept in me together with the curiosity of what’s really behind that remark. “Aren’t you real? I wouldn’t be surprised if you are not human. I haven’t met someone that kind like you are,” I said. Adam smirked upon hearing me as he motioned to face me with the side of his arm leaning on the wall.

“If you met me in another way, maybe you would know why I haven’t felt like a human for a long time,” He confessed. The moment was quite ambivalent but it was surprising me how he sounds so different this time, just raw emotions approaching. “This is not really my true nature.”

“You do it so naturally,”

“I do? That’s a fascinating thought,” Adam chuckled softly, but his mind was surely floating somewhere; I could tell by the way his eyes looked cold, uninterested and floating somewhere else but despite its ambiguity, I wanted to know about the sudden overturn of his feelings and I couldn’t explain as to why I feel this curiosity. “But I don’t know what you would think of me, if you met me in a different way,”

“What kind of person do you think you are?”

“Well, cold… dead, temperamental. Disclosed, corporate. You wouldn’t think of me as someone who knows every word of Joy Division’s love will tear us apart,” He softly laughed as I suddenly remembered the moment a while ago; the way we both sang out loud, knowing every word correctly like it was the time of our lives. Even thinking about it was fascinating. “You know, every time I hear that band it feels like I’m starring in a young adult film,” I said because it indeed feels like that each time I get lost to their music and I wasn’t that gifted with experiences as well during high school, it always seemed like I stared from afar with those kids having the time of their lives.

“That’s embarrassing thought,” I said, while covering my face after realizing how dumb it sounded. But he was smiling. “It’s not, it actually makes a good movie soundtrack though… But yeah, their music makes me feel some kind of way, as if I’m far from what’s conventional, far from conforming.” He said. I glanced at him and fortunately, he didn’t notice it. His thoughts are just strange, as if they were somewhat jailed and the way he spills them from time to time is just so beautiful.

“It’s been a long time since I experienced this,” He smiled, but it seems like the kind of smile that longed. I kept my ears open for whatever he is going to say.

“Experienced what exactly?”

“This,” He paused and looked directly on my eyes. I don’t know what I felt when he suddenly did. “Watching a show, being oblivious to everything like what a real human would do,” It took me a few seconds before I was able to reply to him, I got consumed with my thoughts for a while.

“Yeah, I do feel that too.” I smiled softly to myself although some part of me wished for this not to end but eventually I have to fulfill whatever I need to.

“Did you have a great time?” He asked.

“Absolutely.”

“I had a great time with you too,” He smiled. He didn’t ask me if I wanted to go, we eventually just knew it ourselves, se we did. After a few moments of silence.  I learned that Adam likes taking the stairs which is something that I did not mind as he suggested it to me a while ago. Apparently, he seemed to be in deep thought, that’s why I chose not to say something at all to avoid bothering him more. It was all fine, until we reached the tenth floor where I saw Chloe from a distance, already leaning on my door, with her arms crossed looking infuriated. Of course. Like always.

I tried to feign nonchalance but my heart began pounding, not because I was fearing her convictions, and the conversation I will have with her but it was for the reason that she could have come another day, just not today and I don’t want Adam to see how uptight. Not exactly at the time where I felt as though I have a slightly clear view of how I can manage my life. But just as I thought, I can't really run away from it. It took us a couple of seconds of tension before Chloe spoke, with her eyes seemingly as though it was shooting balls of fire inflicted by fury and hate towards me. I can understand the damage it caused— losing our mother and me being the weakling out of us four but I still couldn't decipher why she hates me this much. And apparently, her gaze wasn't pressed on me. It was pressed on Adam with prejudice spilling all over the place.

Adam was undisturbed, but I was.

There isn't any room left for me to wonder about her thoughts, I already know what's going in her head. "Guess, I'll see you whenever," Adam broke the silence but before he could turn his heel Chloe stopped her. I was afraid of what's going to happen, I don't want Adam to see this. "Are you screwing her?" I was surprised with her audacity. Adam looked at her directly on her eyes and spoke with full certainty, "No, I am not screwing her."

“Look, whatever plans you have with this girl right here, leave it. This girl just broke up with her ex, and she even planned to screw my boyfriend.” Chloe accused which drained all my ability to decipher her convictions about me.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, but if you’re talking about Charlie she is far from what you think she is,” Adam pressed as he looked at me momentarily before he left until the sound of steps became indistinct as he went farther. I hate how he’s dragged into this, but my heart skipped a beat when he said those words. I wish I could make them believe that even when I fail most times, I am far from how Chloe sees me.

“How dare you f*****g humiliate me and have the guts to block my number,” Chloe spat.

“I humiliated you? In what way Chloe? You weren’t the one who was harassed, you weren’t the one who was humiliated in front of many people after being blamed for something you didn’t do which is all your psychotic boyfriend’s fault. Of course you wouldn’t believe me, you’re stuck with the thought of him being dreamy but the truth is you are dating a f*****g pig.” I allowed those words leave my mouth as my chest heaved vehemently. I don’t know where this would take me and how much this would cause the fire to burn with more intensity, but at this relentless moment I didn’t care. It cuts deep.

Her eyes widened upon my words but she rapidly hid the hint of vulnerability that was almost revealed. “I gave you a f*****g opportunity to earn and that’s how you repay me?” She didn’t give me an opportunity to earn, she just wanted to feed her flaming ego to prove that she’s so much better than me. I surrender with that already.

“You know, you f*****g sound like mom,” I blurted out where regret washing over me instinctively. I could see in her eyes how overwhelmed she got just by me saying those words, I can feel her revulsion, and how hurt she was. I know how much she loves mom, I saw how much she cried on her funeral, I know how much she looks up to her and glorifies her in any way she can but she never knew the damage it caused me, to live with those standards and never be able to meet it, to suffer with all the negative reinforcements, the blatant comparisons and each time I felt as though my free will is robbed from me each time my decision is swayed. And now I’m here, lost with everything yet still seen as the culprit. If I had better people in my life, I wouldn’t be as apathetic as this. As much as I want to step back and pay respect for her grievances, I wasn’t able to because aside from grieving from my mother, I also grieve for my own death.

“Life could be so much better if you were the one who died, instead of mom.” I always thought how it’s so much better if it were me, but hearing it from my very own sister was not so far from being stabbed multiple times. I was surprised how she didn’t fight further, but she walked away with her hand tightly gripping the handle of her bag. I didn’t try to process all the words I heard, it instantly swallowed me whole as I found myself with tears streaming down my face once again.  Maybe, it was indeed better if I were the one who died. Maybe my father won’t be suffering depression, maybe they would continue living their lives happily, sure they would grieve over me but the damage won’t last and won’t impede them from living their live to the fullest because I’m not someone important anyway. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life but right now, with the way my chest heaved due to all the pain from all the agonizing events that ran inside my head I became unquestioned with one thing.

I don’t want to live anymore. But right exactly at the moment I melted, Adam was already rushing towards me.