Making a move.
1301 Words
I pasted a big smile on my face as I called to them both.
" Breakfast." but it came out kind of scratchy and weak to my own ears.
I had a huge lump in my stomach. I was completely ruined by that comment about 'the bet'. I had to leave them for a bit, even just a minute.
I had no appetite now.
Throwing on my coat and boots, I headed to the back door off the kitchen.
They both dug into their food greedily.
Neither seemed to even notice that I left.
Why can't you just play along, then you will at least know the truth. I mean Thomas was not pretending to be anything that he wasn't.
This is your opportunity to find out.
If I am a virgin still, then the monster didn't steal everything from me...and, I can let myself go. I can be a woman. Maybe I can be confident and sexy.
I never knew exactly what HE did to me, I just blacked out once I got past the initial fear of him in my bed with me.
My therapist Sarah, told me my mind was protecting me. It wasn't important for me to know the details. I just needed to give myself some grace.
Give myself permission to love being a woman.
But...it was always that lingering feeling that I did something to cause HIM to want me. What the hell did I do?
I was a little girl.
Gathering firewood in my arms, I had cooled off enough to face the boys now.
You are worthy.
That was a strange voice. One I never heard before.
I am. I am worthy of love. I am going to be brave. I mean Eivan is obviously off limits, but yes...I think Thomas will win that bet.
Infact, I'm going to lean into it now. I'm going to let him teach me. He's right, I need him to show me how to have s*x. How to be touched.
*******
" Why do you do that?" Eivan asked me once I had returned to drop off the wood and start to clean up the kitchen.
Thomas had gone to shower.
" Do what?" I shrugged.
" You leave and get all moody, and you don't eat. I hate it when girls don't eat!"
He seemed mad at me now for some reason.
I grabbed a left over pancake and shoved it into my mouth, making a face at him as I chewed.
He lowered his head and smiled.
His hands were busy drying the dishes as I washed them.
I wanted to be a dish right now.
" Sorry...it's just my girlfriend Diana. She doesn't eat. Like hardly ever. She says she has to keep her weight low for the dancing and s**t, but she's definitely skinny.
Too skinny and we fight about it all of the time. That's...that's why I left New York."
" Oh, I'm sorry. I guess it's hard for her to be perfect with so much competition there?" I offered.
He bit his lip.
" But don't just leave when you are upset, stay and tell at me if you are mad ok? I mean talk to me please."
I nodded. "Ok. I know all about the bet."
I turned to avoid his look of horror.
He put the dry dishes in the cupboard, then pulled me over to the back door shoving me outside.
" You don't have to do anything he tells you to do. He wants to use you and doesn't care if you get hurt. I've seen him with girls. January, I promise I will protect you."
His hands were gripping my upper arms and he loomed over me, just like Adam used to do to me. But...when Eivan did it, I wanted him to.
He was looking at me like I was a little kid.
I moved up onto my tip toes and kissed him.
He groaned and pulled me into his embrace and kissed me back. It was magical. I felt like I could just melt into him and give him everything in this moment.
I think I surprised him, because he pushed me away and shook his head as he collected his thoughts.
" I want you." I said, then lowered my lashes.
He groaned again and kissed me again. This time he crashed down hard and bit my lip.
I felt blood trickle on my bottom lip.
His hands roamed around my back as he cupped my butt with his palms and pressed his bulging erection to me.
The sound of Thomas yelling in the house brought us both back to earth.
"Hey! Where did everyone go?" he cried.
Eivan walked away, going to the wood pile and throwing logs into a pile to take inside. He didn't look back at me.
I turned and slid back inside the warm kitchen.
" Hey, s**t your bleeding." Thomas said as he found me at the sink.
He wiped my lip with his thumb.
" What happened?"
I motioned to the cupboards.
" I hit my lip. It's nothing." I don't think he believed me, because I was way to short to reach the cupboard door.
" Where'd coach go?"
I just shrugged.
I felt foggy, my mind was reeling from that kiss.
I went to the bathroom and turned on the water. I needed to shut this down, now.
I couldn't be the one to cause Eivan to cheat on his girlfriend.
I felt terrible now. I was no better than Adam and April.
**********
I avoided Eivan all the rest of the day. He spent time close to Thomas going over some football strategies.
I started to clean and found a journal in the upper room closet.
It looked very old, like from the 30's or something.
I sat on the bed and thumbed through the journal.
Dear diary, I saw him again. He was with his mother today.
We made eye contact, but I looked away first because I was still hurt that he enlisted in the army yesterday.
He never even consulted me. I was heart broken and angry. But, he doesn't owe me anything. I am far beneath his status. I am just an employee of his mother's.
Wow, I closed the journal and held it to my chest.
This was my new obsession, reading this old journal. I must have been in there a long time, I started to shiver from the cold.
I walked back out to the living room and froze.
Thomas was lying on Eivan with his arm around his neck. He had him pinned to the floor.
Eivan pushed up in one fluid movement and knocked Thomas' arm off of him.
" That's good, but put a little more effort in your speed." He said.
" Coach used to wrestle, he's showing me some moves." Thomas said.
I just nodded.
My mind was filled with erotic thoughts. Seeing these two men, these very sexy, beautiful men with their lean, muscles around eachother...oh my.
I was thinking about them making love to eachother, then to me. My underwear felt wet now and I was breathing a little deeper.
" You ok Jan?" Eivan asked.
I just nodded.
" Thomas can I see you for a moment, alone?" I asked as I turned to go back into the bedroom.
He hopped up and winked at his coach.
" January, wait...I want to talk to you a moment first." Eivan yelled, as he stood up and pushed me into the room closing the door behind us.
" What?" I asked him as he stood with his back against the door and stared at my swollen lip.
" Don't do anything with him. He's just a player." he bit out.
- Writer
